I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide (24 page)

7. Use birth control.
Yes, you can get pregnant the first time. Unless you’re absolutely positive neither of you could have an STI or HIV (for instance, you’ve both been tested, or neither of you has ever been sexually active with anyone else), you should be using condoms as birth control or in addition to another kind of birth control. Condoms plus a backup method like contraceptive film, foam, or insert—all sold near the condoms in most pharmacies and supermarkets—are a highly effective combo to prevent pregnancy.

8. Get good and turned on first.
Being aroused before you try penetration isn’t just a bonus—it’s a requirement for making intercourse comfortable. Spend plenty of time kissing, making out, enjoying each other. Oral sex can be good if you like it. Having an orgasm before you try penetration can work well, too.

I wish I had known that it’s much more enjoyable with more foreplay. I had barely any foreplay the day I lost my virginity, but that really does make a difference.

Being relaxed is the key to enjoying sex. Engage in foreplay and wait until your body signals you to move on.

9. Use lube.
Even if you’re already wet (which you should be before you start trying), and even if your partner’s wearing a lubricated condom, add more water-based lube on top of the condom. Slippery is a very good thing, as you read in the last section.

It started out passionate and slow on the couch with oral sex, then we moved to the bedroom and continued to be very sweet. He was a pretty large fellow in terms of penis size, and I was terrified. But he was really gentle and took things slowly. We used lots of lubricant and good, sturdy condoms. I didn’t hurt at all. We even got crazy with it and sort of did it all over the house: in the bathroom, the shower, the sink, the table. It sort of just spread everywhere. It was incredible.

It was hard because we were worried about getting caught, and I was too dry
—
I wish I had known about and been comfortable using lube!

10. He should definitely
not
plan to “deflower” you in one mighty, powerful thrust.
Ouch! It’s also okay if you don’t “go all the way” in one session. If it’s not feeling comfortable, get as far as you can, and try again another time.

If your partner is on top, he should insert his penis just the smallest amount, then stop, make sure that feels okay, then push in just a teeny bit further and stop again. You’ll want to kiss and
breathe along the way, and let your bodies relax together. When you say it’s okay, he can push in a little farther, or do an out-in motion where he pulls out and then pushes in just a little farther than last time. The woman should be in charge here: You decide when it’s okay to go farther, when to rest, where to stop. You should discuss this approach in advance, using phrases like, “really slow and gentle,” and “I heard it would be more comfortable for me if we . . .”
 It can also work well for you to be on top—in that position, it’s even easier for you to control the depth and speed of penetration.

Breathe! Have your partner go in slowwwly, maybe a half inch at a time, and make him wait until you tell him to go again. Basically play red light/green light until he’s in, and then wait a few minutes before he moves again, going very slowly the whole time!

For me, it wasn’t the romance you see in the movies. It was me and my boyfriend. In a dorm. Having awkward sex. And his penis didn’t fit inside me for a long time. It took us a while to figure it all out.

11. Don’t expect a female orgasm through intercourse.
While it certainly isn’t impossible, don’t be disappointed if there’s no female O the very first time. One study published in
the Journal of Sex Research
found that only seven percent of women had an orgasm their first time. Intercourse—like all sexual skills—tends to feel more pleasurable for both partners as you get better at it.

It was completely different than I expected. First of all, it didn’t hurt at all. I was always told it would hurt horribly but it didn’t at all, although I was really sore for the next few days. Second, it was a serious disappointment. People don’t tell you it takes practice. They make it seem like orgasms happen every time (even when you have no idea what you’re doing).

12. Have a sense of humor.
If you expect your first time to be flawless, you’ll probably be disappointed. But if you’re ready to enjoy each other, laugh together at unexpected glitches, and work out the fine points eventually, you’ll have a memorable, stress-free experience regardless of exactly what happens.

Sex is always full of mistakes even if you’ve been with the same person for years. Make the best out of those funny bedroom mistakes.

I thought it would be extremely painful, and it was not, but it was not necessarily pleasurable either. I remember laughing a lot.

6

G Marks the Spot:
the g-spot and female ejaculation

A flyer in
the dorm lobby caught Marshall’s eye when he returned to his room late one night in his first year of college. Printed in a basic Times New Roman font, it read simply, “How to Female Ejaculate,” with the next day’s date, a time and location, but no other information. Marshall stared at the sign to be sure he was reading it correctly. There was no question: The topic was female ejaculation, and there was some kind of event taking place on campus the following night. By the time he came through the lobby on his way to breakfast the next morning, the flyer was gone.

Later that day, Marshall arrived at the lecture hall where the event was scheduled to take place, and was surprised to discover it packed with people. The lights dimmed, and a sexily dressed curly-haired blonde woman, Deborah Sundahl, stepped onto the stage. “I’m going to show you something that will
blow your mind,”
she announced. Sundahl pointed her remote at the LCD projector to start a video, and a larger-than-life image of a woman’s thighs and crotch appeared on the screen behind her. Suddenly, a clear stream of liquid shot out from between the woman’s legs. The crowd of students gasped and then erupted into amazed murmurs.

Female ejaculation, Sundahl explained, is perfectly normal. Some women already ejaculate, she said, some haven’t learned how, and some hold back to prevent
themselves from doing so. Because female ejaculate comes out of the body from the urethra, the same hole women pee out of, many women confuse ejaculating with urination.

In our own experience teaching about women’s sexuality, we’ve watched light-bulbs go on over some women’s heads as we’ve talked about female ejaculation. Many tell us afterward that this has long been part of their experience of sexuality: They were really aroused, and then all of a sudden liquid came out of their body from the same place that pee comes out. Many were horrified, assuming they’d lost control of their bladder during sex. One woman told us she was so terrified of this sensation of needing to pee that she literally leapt from the bed every time she could feel herself nearing this arousal peak and dashed down the hall to the bathroom. She described it as a highly unsatisfying way to end every sexual encounter!

In reality, this woman who thought she was about to wet the bed, and the others who did let loose, weren’t peeing. It was the urge to ejaculate they were feeling, and the liquid that came out was its own unique fluid, female ejaculate, not urine. Most importantly, female ejaculation isn’t a sign of something going wrong, like wetting the bed, but rather a sign of sexual pleasure and release. Once it’s understood, it’s an experience that many women and their partners celebrate rather than fear.

I actually discovered female ejaculation when I was a teenager. I was talking on the phone with this boy that I had been attracted to for years. One thing led to another and we both began talking dirty to each other. I will never forget it. I had my first female ejaculation in a tie-dye beanbag! And I remember freaking out and telling him I had to get off the phone because I had no idea what had just happened! I thought I had peed everywhere! But then it happened after that
—
a lot. I found out that I’m a regular “squirter” and that I can do it over and over again. While I was really insecure about it at first, I actually came to enjoy it a lot because it really turned my partners on. Now I absolutely love it. It’s like I get this really hot sensation all over my body. My legs start to tingle, my toes curl, my back arches, and then it just bursts out and I shake all over. Sounds almost like a seizure, huh? But then afterwards is the best part: I’m so incredibly relaxed and I feel weightless. AMAZING.

first things first: the g-spot

TO UNDERSTAND FEMALE ejaculation, you need a working knowledge of the G-spot, because G-spot stimulation is the most likely to produce female ejaculation. Plus, G-spot stroking feels great to some women regardless of whether they ejaculate.

Unlike the sensitive parts of the clitoris on the outside of a woman’s body, the G-spot is entirely inside her vagina. It’s about two to three inches inside, toward the front wall of the vagina, and it feels like ridgy tissue.

A woman can insert her own finger to feel her own G-spot, or she may like using a sex toy designed for “G-spotting.” Many women find their lover’s fingers to be just the ticket to G-spot bliss. G-spots tend to swell up and get more sensitive as a woman gets aroused, so she may want to try feeling it when she’s turned on.

G-spots usually respond most to firm, massaging pressure, which is why it was long believed that vaginas lacked nerve endings. In the 1950s, when pioneering sex researcher Alfred Kinsey and his colleagues tested the sensitivity of different areas of women’s genitals, they used an instrument similar to a Q-tip to touch gently. Not surprisingly, they found women’s vaginas, including their G-spots, generally not responsive to such gentle touch. If they’d tried deeper pressure, many women likely would have responded quite differently.

Most women who enjoy having their G-spot touched say the sensation is quite different than clitoral stimulation. For the person touching it, what the G-spot feels like varies tremendously from woman to woman, and this is probably a major source of the confusion about whether or not it really exists. For some women, the G-spot feels like a little bump: a raised part of their vaginal wall that’s very pleasurable to the touch. For other women, it’s more of an
area that they find sensitive, particularly when pressed, and some say the sensitive area seems to be in somewhat different places on different days. Others spend hours or weeks poking around inside their own vaginas, finally concluding, “If G-spots exist, then I don’t have one!” All of these reactions are perfectly normal: It’s normal to have a G-spot that’s really sensitive, equally normal to have one that doesn’t really
feel like anything, and everywhere in between. Researchers find that the number of nerve endings and amound of arousal tissue in this part of the body varies tremendously from woman to woman.

what’s your relationship with your g-spot?

MOST RESEARCH STUDIES have found that about two-thirds of women find the G-spot area to be sexually sensitive for them. We asked our female survey respondents how they felt about their G-spot. Here’s the breakdown of their answers.

who put the g in g-spot?

IN THE LATE 1970s, sex researchers Beverly Whipple and John Perry learned of a sensitive area inside the vagina that could induce female ejaculation if stimulated. Researching further, Whipple and Perry discovered that German gynecologist Ernst Gräfenberg, an immigrant living in New York City, had written about this area and about female ejaculation in a journal article in 1950, but that this anatomical fact had mostly been forgotten during the intervening years. Although the area had also been written about centuries earlier, Whipple and Perry decided to name what they were studying the “Gräfenberg spot,” or the G-spot, in honor of the first modern doctor to describe it. The 1982 book
The G Spot
by Perry, Whipple, and their colleague Alice Kahn Ladas, sold over a million copies, turning “G-spot” into a household word.