I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide (21 page)

3. Get the clit in on the action.
Getting enough clitoral stimulation is the secret weapon for many women to push them over the orgasmic edge during intercourse. The easiest way for most to get that stimulation? Having either the woman or her partner touch her clit with their hand or a vibrator. Rather than feeling like this is a “second best” way to come, lots of couples recognize that it’s not a big deal for a woman to need direct stimulation on the most sensitive area of her sexual parts. Some couples also make a conscious effort to seek out intercourse positions that rub against the woman’s clitoris during penetration—which works for some women but not others.

Women sometimes tell us that part of the reason they settle for not coming during intercourse is because they’re terrified their partner would be offended if they reached down to polish the pearl while they’re having sex. We needed to find out the truth. Do guys really flip out if a woman adds external finger action to his internal thrusting? Are women right to worry? We surveyed women who’ve been bold enough to give it a try, and men who’ve been with a woman who masturbated while they had sex.

What did we find? Most of the news was great: 93 percent of women who tried it got either a positive or an “I’m comfortable with that” type of reaction from their partner. Many women said their partner found it incredibly sexy to see a woman pleasure herself. It’s a turn-on for the guy, and the girl gets off. Talk about win-win sex!

During sex when I’m on top, touching my clitoris and building to an orgasm that way has been spectacular. My partner loved to watch me touch myself, especially when he could feel me clenching from inside. It also allowed us to time our climaxes together.

He’s the one who wants me to! He loves to see me orgasm, and knows that I know just what to do and he doesn’t even need to worry about that part.

My boyfriend LOVES it. It really turns him on
—
if it’s been going too long and I want him to finish, I touch myself and he’s done in a minute or less!

But not all the news is so rosy. Seven percent of women who tried this said they’d encountered partners who were threatened by women taking matters into their own hands. Some guys incorrectly think a woman touching herself is a sign that he’s a lousy lover. Others don’t want to share the fun of pleasuring a woman—they don’t want her to help bring on her own orgasms because they want the glory for themselves.

Some guys seem to be more open to it. Others think you just don’t enjoy sex with them. If a guy doesn’t like me to do it, it kind of makes me mad. I mean, I want to have an orgasm, too, dammit!

Most of the time, partners are okay with this, but my ex-husband was totally against it. He said if he couldn’t make me orgasm without me touching myself, then why was he bothering? You notice, he’s my EX-husband.

So it’s no wonder women worry. Even if the vast majority of men are supportive, women don’t know if their boyfriend or husband is one of the small minority who will get insulted or angry. You want to let your fingers do the walking while you get it on together, but you’re worried about how he’ll react? Here are some tips to get you started.

how to start: tips for women

○
Know he’ll probably be fine with it.
Boost your confidence by reminding yourself that most guys think it’s hot for a woman to touch herself. Here’s what some guys had to say:

It was pretty awesome. She came while I was having sex with her, which is an amazingly erotic experience.

Before we tried it, I had never thought it would make me uncomfortable, but it did initially. I wondered, am I useless? But it was a lot of fun and she liked it a lot. I started to like it too.

savvy sex tip

ALWAYS PEE AFTER you have intercourse to reduce the risk of urinary tract infections. The stream of urine pushes out any microscopic bacteria that could creep up your urethra.

○
Pick a good position.
The “traditional” missionary position is often the worst for reaching your own clit—if his body is lying flat on top of yours, that probably doesn’t give you space to move your hand in the way you need to. Nearly any other position will work better: woman on top, doggie style, crisscross, spooning, etc.

○
Boost his ego.
After he’s inside you but before you touch yourself, load on the positive feedback. Use words and sounds to let him know how good he feels, how hot he looks, etc. (Don’t fake or lie to him—just be honest about what’s good.) That reduces the chance he’ll feel threatened, because you’re telling him that you’re having a good time.

○
Reach down with confidence.
Act like this is totally normal, just something women do. It is!

○
Frame it as something fun and sexy.
If you feel like you need to say something as you first start touching yourself, try saying something like:
 
 “Are you one of those guys who thinks it’s hot if a woman touches herself while they_______ [fill in favorite slang for having sex]?”
 or
 
“Let’s see if we can both come.”
 or
 “I’m one of those girls who needs a little extra help to be able to come—you feel
so good,
I really want to come with you.”
 It’s unlikely he’s going to say, “No, it doesn’t turn me on to watch a woman touch herself,” or “No, I don’t want you to come.” If you say things like this, you’re giving him a positive (and accurate) way to look at what’s going on, which reduces the chance he’ll get scared and think he’s doing something wrong. It’s also fine to just reach down without saying anything at all.

My boyfriend helps me while I masturbate by fingering me and he can be a part of it. We just tried having sex while I touched myself down there and for the first time we had simultaneous orgasms.

○
Invite him to help.
You can just put his hand there and keep your hand over it to show him how you like it. Or try saying, “Does it work for you to touch my clit at the same time?” He’ll likely need a bit of direction about what feels good once his fingers are in the right place. See the box on the next page for more on this.

○
Ask him to slow down if needed.
Some women find the sensation of constant thrusting distracting; they need to be able to concentrate on their clitoral sensations to get over the edge. If this is the case for you, you can ask your guy temporarily to slow his thrusts way down, or just stay still inside you, moving just enough to keep himself hard. Then, as your orgasm begins to swell up inside you, you can whisper sweetly, “I’m ready for you,” or use one of those great porno lines like “Oh, fuck me, fuck me!” Chances are he’ll be happy to oblige.

no wonder lions have that look in their eyes

ACCORDING TO THE book Biological Exuberance, a female lion “may mate as often as four times an hour when she is in heat over a continuous period of three days and nights (without sleeping), and sometimes with up to five different males.”

his fingers or hers?

MOST COUPLES WHO combine clitoral stimulation with intercourse find it works best if the woman takes care of providing the stimulation because she knows precisely how she likes to be touched. But lots of women enjoy or even prefer having their partner’s fingers on their clit during intercourse. What works best is a matter for each pair to figure out.

She can bring herself to orgasm much better than I can usually, because she’s the most familiar with her own body. Also, I tend to get distracted when doing multiple things at once, and if it’s me rubbing the clitoris then often I get distracted and stop, or at the very least, do it haphazardly.

I touch the woman’s clitoris as much as she directs me to, which varies by partner. The easiest positions are generally ones where I enter her from behind and can reach around in front of her to stimulate her clit.

I’ve touched it, he’s touched it. This ought to be a regular part of sex if I’m going to get off! If he’s not invested in me getting off, I won’t be having sex with him again. Who’s doing it changes depending on the position. It’s easier for me to touch it spooning-style, while it’s easier for him to touch it girl-on-top style.

Of course, not all women want or need clitoral stimulation during intercourse. Some female respondents on our survey said they found it distracting. For some couples, the answer to “his fingers or hers?” may simply be “Neither.”

“but i want to come from intercourse alone!”

AFTER A TYPICAL female orgasm speaking engagement, the audience files out and a handful of people stay behind to talk with us. One question comes up without fail: “But I
really
want to come during intercourse without using my hands. Isn’t there
something
I can do?”

If you haven’t guessed by now, we think that if penetration doesn’t lead you to O-land, you’re best off enjoying penetration for itself, and pursuing orgasms in other ways. But if you insist, here are techniques that some women say have worked for them to learn how to come during intercourse without the assistance of a hand or a sex toy:

○
Get hot and bothered.
Some women find it helps to be really, really turned on already, through oral sex, masturbation, or some other type of stimulation before intercourse begins (or even earlier in the day, before they see their partner). Starting the action at a higher level of arousal means there’s less distance to travel to reach the finish line. For some, having an orgasm before intercourse makes it easier for them to come again during it.

○
Try the coital alignment technique,
described on page 120. CAT, as it’s known, has ardent fans who swear by it as the route to female orgasm during intercourse. While it takes practice and doesn’t work for everyone, it definitely holds the ticket for some couples.

○
Be creative.
Experiment with other positions to find pleasurable ways the man’s body can grind against your clit. You might rub against your partner’s pelvic bone or the shaft of his penis while he’s inside you, regardless of who’s on top. You may find the angle of penetration makes a difference in terms of how much and what kind of clitoral contact you get. For some women it helps to move their own body in a way that stimulates them, rather than relying on the man to provide all the movement.

A JOKE (At least we hope so) QUESTION: Why do women fake orgasm? ANSWER: Because men fake foreplay.

I like being on top at a slight angle above him. I practically lie on him. I can really grind on him this way and our heads don’t get in the way.

Girl on top didn’t work for me to come until I tried dangling one leg off the bed. That gives me deeper penetration and more solid clit contact.

○
Teach your body.
A woman can try to teach herself to associate the sensations of penetration with orgasm. She starts by having intercourse with clitoral stimulation from her own hand. A second before she comes, she stops the clitoral stimulation, and allows her partner’s thrusting to be the thing that pushes her over the edge to orgasm. The next time, she does the same thing, but stops the clitoral stimulation two seconds before she falls over the orgasmic edge, and lets the thrusting carry her to orgasm. Over a period of weeks or months, she continues getting herself highly aroused, most of the way to orgasm, but over time relies on intercourse to take her more and more—and maybe eventually all—of the way there. Women can also practice this using a dildo or other object for penetration.

The location of a woman’s clitoris (higher or lower on her vulva) does not affect her ability to have an orgasm during intercourse, according to research by Masters and Johnson.

○
Legs together.
Experiment with closing your legs once the man is inside. Changing leg positions, and possibly squeezing your leg muscles, can increase the sensation you get. Your partner can straddle your closed legs, rather than have his legs together inside your spread legs.

The best way for me to come during sex is in the missionary position with my legs crisscrossed.

○
Lose control.
One woman told us she was finally able to have orgasms during intercourse when she let go of the need to “control her own orgasm” and instead stayed intensely focused on the sensations she was feeling from her partner.

○
Focus on yourself.
It helps some women to stay focused on their own pleasure and not worry so much about pleasing their partner. It’s okay not to be an award-winning lover every minute. In fact, it may free you up
to stay in your own groove if you take a break from running your hands over his body, or stop worrying about moving your body the way you know he likes.

○
Find the right rhythm.
Often the pace of intercourse is controlled by the man, but most women need their own consistent, steady rhythm to be able to have an orgasm. Try positions where you can more easily control the rhythm (like woman on top or, for some, doggie style). You can give your partner feedback about what speed feels best to you, or grasp his hips or butt to help control the motion.