I Had a Nice Time And Other Lies...: How to find love & sh*t like that (3 page)

“Love is blind.”
People love whomever they want. Straight, homosexual, asexual, the list goes on. Of course, in that way love is blind. But when I notice my boyfriend has been eating four-too-many Shake Shack burgers lately, that’s definitely a reason to put my cute little pedicured foot down. No one is blind to the dad bod, not even love.

“Opposites attract.”
Like, they don’t really. Okay, if you’re a blonde and are really attracted to a brunet, maybe that’s the case. But a boyfriend who shares the same values as you (family, money, and other serious shit) is probably a better choice than one who cares about stuff you find unimportant.

Your boyfriend may know everything there is to know about politics and you may know everything there is to know about the Kardashians, but you still have an appreciation for spending time with your families. The politics/pop culture differences don’t make you opposites, they suggest you might have slightly different interests. But the fact that you both sincerely care about staying close with your siblings and want to spend money on traveling means that you technically are more similar than you are different.

Also, a lot of people tend to be attracted to people who share physical traits of theirs. This is probably a manifestation of a betch’s true desire to date herself, which is sort of impossible, so she dates someone who looks like her. So really what’s the correct answer? There isn’t one. Love whom you want to love, and leave us the fuck alone.

“All is fair in love and war.”
You may have heard this one from
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.
Last time we checked it’s not cool to waterboard your boyfriend for forgetting to ask for spicy mayo. Not the best example, but then again in war you can spy, kill, torture, or any of that other cray shit we saw in
Zero Dark Thirty
. That shit’s not really applicable in love. You can’t just do whatever you want, ruin as many people’s lives just so long as you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist for the sake of love. In other words, you can’t just be an asshole because you’re into someone.

“You Don’t Know You’re Beautiful, That’s What Makes You Beautiful.”
Ummm, fairly certain my bimonthly eyebrow
threading, eyelash extensions, and $100-a-tube bronzer help make me beautiful. Like, obviously we try to be humble about it, but if we’re hot, and we know we’re hot, Harry Styles would definitely be into it. Also, if you’re walking around crying that you’re not gorgeous but you look like Kendall Jenner, no one, I repeat no one will want you, you grotsky little biatch.

“All you need is love.”
Pretty sure we also need water, food, shelter, vodka, and Netflix.

“You Complete Me.”
Don’t even. Just don’t even.

Let go of the ridiculous notion of “The One.” Do it, right now. Shut your eyes, picture the words “The One” and then crush them in your mind-vise. There’s no such thing as a soul mate. Besides the fact that that term is as gag inducing as the thought of eating anything off the McDonald’s dollar menu sober, the concept of soul mates always was, is now, and will always be bullshit. Why? Because there are over seven billion people in the world, and more than just one of them is right for you.

The right guy for you is the guy who wants what you want at the same time as you. That’s called luck and some people get lucky a lot. Some people get lucky less often. Some people meet a person who’s great for them when
they’re seventeen and live happily ever after or until they’re so bored they want to shoot themselves in the face. Some people won’t meet them until they’re forty-five or eighty or never.

The one thing we’re convinced of is that there are definitely people out there who are better suited for you than others. If you want to call these people “ones” you can, but the important thing to remember is that there isn’t just one of them. The only reason the term “The One” exists is because the phrase “I’ve finally found the one of a dozen guys out there for me” somehow sounds less romantic.

The thing to remember is that it’s not just about finding the person for you. It’s about finding a person who’s right for you at the exact same time that you are right for them. Some people will meet ten guys who are compatible with them and some will meet one or even none. Some women meet a guy who’s super compatible for what she wants in the moment, but he couldn’t be less ready for a relationship. Don’t let this information discourage you. You wouldn’t want there to be a perfect prince who completes you, because, like we said, you don’t need completing. Plus, we just told you there’s no such thing as one soul mate so
your chances of finding someone just increased by like, a billion percent. Math, fucking duh.

By picking up this book you’re one step closer to not taking dating so seriously and by doing so, cultivating your love of yourself and learning more about what makes you tick and who you are. That doesn’t mean it’s ever okay to pluck your chin in front of a guy, but it does mean that you can have a great time while growing in life, and that includes relationships.

Try to have fun and find someone who supports you. Sometimes you’ll fuck that up, most people do. But who gives a shit? Happiness is not about your destination, it’s about how on point your hair looks during the ride.

So get ready, Betches, we’re about to drop some truth bombs onto your beautifully balayaged heads.

D
ating isn’t easy. If it were, you wouldn’t be reading this book. Yes, betches are inherently amazing people who look like they have their shit together, but deep down every single one of us has issues. Depending on how serious those issues are, they typically are reflected by the way each person acts, especially when that person is trying to get to know someone in a romantic sense. Enter the first date.

Unless you’re extremely rich, an Insta-celeb, a real celeb, or are a distant relative of the Hadid-Foster-Jenner family, most guys won’t have any preconceived positive notions about you and therefore will not overlook the mistakes you make on first dates. You become a drunk mess and tell your date you hate his big nose? No second date. You say you’re in
between jobs and go on an angry rant about how much of an ugly cunt your old boss was? No second date. You ask if your date wants to do a key bump under the table and proceed to do so by yourself even after he says “no thanks”? No second date. We don’t judge, but the only thing this bro will propose is a quick BJ in the taxi on the way to the club.

Sure, there are exceptions to every rule, but we’re not fucking here to tell stories about your friend’s cousin’s camp friend whose first date ended in sex in a club bathroom and now she’s engaged. We’re here to talk about you, the rule (a term that was pretty useful in
He’s Just Not That Into You
but then negated when they threw out all their valuable dating advice and dubbed Ginnifer “the exception.” Ugh.), who should not be doing any of the aforementioned things with a guy you’re just getting to know because this aforementioned girl is a straight-up mess. And the rule is that messes are not ready to date.

Good news, though: Messes only make up about 30 percent
¹
of the ill-dating-prepared population. The rest are seemingly normal people who just don’t like themselves. We
know what you’re thinking:
EW! Lame mom advice
.
If I wanted to be told to get my shit together I’d return my dad’s calls about wanting to go over his credit card statement together
. But don’t stop reading, Betch. The reason why therapists and feminists and RuPaul repeatedly ask, “How can you expect anyone to love you if you don’t love yourself?” is because it’s absolutely true. Sure it sounds like something a girl who likes PB&J–white-bread sandwiches with the crusts cut off would say, but it’s a fact.

If you don’t have your shit together enough to
genuinely
believe that you are fucking amazing and that any guy is lucky to have you, then going on dates is a complete waste of your time. I mean, one of the cornerstones of being a betch is not just
knowing
you’re the hottest thing in the room, but
believing
you are even if you’re not. Fake it till you make it, as they say. But you can only fake it for so long. There comes a point when you are living a lie and are still consistently dateless and unhappy. So what do you do? Simple. Actually get your shit together, obvs.

There are so many reasons why girls hate themselves. Too fat. Too skinny. Your nail beds suck. The list goes on. But no matter
how much money you spend at NARS, there’s no amount of makeup that will cover up your insecurities. Unless you tackle these fuckers from inside out you’ll never be as happy as you want to be and actually could be.

Are we saying that you must get rid of ALL of your insecurities in order to find love? No, but at least identify the main one. Think of it as the Ed Sheeran to your Taylor Swift. It follows you around even though it’s like, really unattractive but for some reason you can’t stop listening to everything it says. Be brave, and kick that ginger out of your head for good.

Let’s start with the most obvious and most common reason you may hate yourself: Weight. Here’s an example: Melissa McCarthy. That betch is so funny, but she’s also so overweight. We know it, she knows it, and her husband knows it. Melissa McCarthy has said that she has lost weight before but she just wasn’t as happy as she was with those pounds on. Whether that’s a bullshit excuse to continue eating mac and cheese for breakfast or not, soak its wisdom in. She’s a successful woman because she is actually happy with who looks back at her from the mirror. Of course we don’t actually know her current state of happiness, but she couldn’t have
gotten to where she is now without extreme confidence and a solid sense of humor about explosive diarrhea.

Now let’s take you as the example. Unlike Melissa, when you look in the mirror you think that if your double chin gets any bigger it will need its own Gmail account. You’re constantly upset that you can’t dress as chic as you would like. Sure you dress like Paris now, but you
could
dress like Nicole. And, you’re constantly fidgeting and adjusting your clothes like a life-threatening tic. This kind of negative energy doesn’t fly in the dating world. Guys will pick up on your insecurities faster than they’ll say “I’ll just pull out.” In order for guys to appreciate you for you, you first need to figure out how to treat and love your body like it’s a temple, or an iPhone before the new version comes out and you stop giving a shit about cracking your screen.

That said, a central tenet of being a betch is being the hottest version of yourself and always making sure your look says what you want it to say. That is, “I give a shit about how I present myself and I want people to be intimidated and envious of me.” If you think you’re fat, lose weight. If you think your nose sucks, get a nose job. If you think your style sucks, read a fucking magazine and go shopping.

Don’t bitch about how being fat means no one will love you and then order cheese fries. It’s all about identifying what it is that bothers you about yourself and then attacking that issue head on. Even excuses like “I can’t afford a gym membership” don’t work because you can always work harder, take a night shift somewhere, read your company’s health insurance policies more carefully, and finagle yourself
a monthly membership somewhere. Equinox isn’t the only one to “make you do it.” Plus, doing crunches in your apartment is like, free.

Every betch should pride herself on a few things she does really well. If you think you’re funny, by all means be the fat funny girl and people will care less about your weight. If you think you’re pretty and that’s where you get your confidence,
first we suggest getting another hobby because everyone eventually grows old and looks like shit and you need something to fall back on. If you think you’re smart, read more. Everyone is good at something (if you can’t think of anything, call your mom), and it’s about drawing confidence from the shit you’re good at and working to accept the shit you’re decent at if you can’t fix it. You can’t be ugly
and
stupid. Pick a struggle.