I Had a Nice Time And Other Lies...: How to find love & sh*t like that (10 page)
Read I Had a Nice Time And Other Lies...: How to find love & sh*t like that Online
Authors: The Betches
In an attempt by both of you to show off how clever and insightful you are, you are trying to one-up each other with sarcastic comments as varied in subject matter as the reasons why Ibiza is really overrated. Eventually the need to consistently one-up each other leads to such an intense breakdown of the conversation that you have no clue what the fuck this guy is even talking about.
Him:
Well I’d meet you at that bar but I’m pretty sure they won’t let in people with as amazing a haircut as mine.
You:
Haha well you can try giving the bouncer one of your famous hugs.
Him:
But really, should we put all our eggs in one basket?
At this point, no one knows what is going on. Is this bro coming to meet you or not? Should you answer this weird
text or hope he follows up clarifying what his actual plan is? Too much sarcasm spoils the broth.
This happens when a guy responds so awkwardly to a seemingly easy enough text that you’re not sure whether he doesn’t give a shit or he’s just making a bad joke.
You:
Kk have a good night
Him:
Haha “good”
Now you’re thinking like, what the fuck does THAT mean. Fucking asshole. This weirdness almost forces you to ask him to clarify, which under normal circumstances you’d never actually do. Or, you can play the higher card and simply ignore. We vote for the latter, obviously. Either way, wondering if a guy thinks you’re a joke does not improve your chances of living happily ever after.
As a betch, you’re one of the smartest, quickest people in the world. You have the perfect comeback in under ten seconds and your wit is on par with Tina Fey’s. Unfortunately, much of the population, including potential bros you may encounter, might not be the brightest candles on the cake.
You:
Good thing I always wake up early on Sundays after drinking.
Him:
Haha really? Usually I sleep forever!
At this point you’re not sure if you should just go with it or do the even more awkward thing and clarify what you’re talking about. One thing’s for sure, if he can’t get your snarky mean-spirited texts he’ll never get you. End it now.
This guy has been up your ass about asking how your day is going and what you got your mom for Mother’s Day for like, forty-eight hours straight. Then suddenly, after asking you what your plans are for Blackout Wednesday he drops off the face of the fucking planet. You’ve just about written this guy off as dead to you when out of nowhere you get a “Happy Friday!” text at noon two days later. Where the fuck have you been, bro? And what kind of text is
Happy Friday
? My aunt texts me that.
This one is pretty self-explanatory. The guy seemed smart enough when you met him. I mean, he said he went to Penn! Unfortunately he’s as good of a speller as Kendall Jenner after fifteen tequila shots.
Him:
hey whatr u up 2 latr?
Ugh, while some people can be desperate enough to write this one off as the guy being simply too cool to even
give a shit about the fact that his spelling and grammar are on par with those of a first semester ESL student, true betches will write this laziness off as a dealbreaker. If you can’t be bothered to write all the letters contained in the word “later” there’s no shot you’re going to put any thought into my birthday gift.
There are some guys who never really learned how to curb their enthusiasm in an effort to seem elusive or chilled out. This guy is one of them.
You:
How’s your Saturday going? Still hungover?
Him:
Nope! Just walking my dog around the park! He loves playing with the other puppies! So excited for the game later!!!!!
This guy is more enthused about his upcoming Saturday dentist appointment than a Make-A-Wish kid at Disney World. His overexcitement to see you is nothing short of uncomfortable. Chill the fuck out, bro, I can guarantee your dog taking a shit is not that exciting. If I wanted to hang out with an overeager twelve-year-old girl, I’d go to a One Direction concert.
The opposite of the Overly Friendly texter is the bro who’s too cool for school. On the one hand, you’re impressed that this bro has cooler things to do than try to see you at your earliest possible convenience, but on the other hand he might be just too lazy to be worth your time. This is the guy who asks you to hang out with two hours’ notice and treats making plans as casually as brushing his teeth. Like, put some effort in if you want to see me, asshole. This is a date with ME you’re planning, not lunch at The Cheesecake Factory; one more cancellation and you’re dunzo.
Texting is an art and if a bro sucks at it, it will be a sign of huge frustrations for months to come. Hugh Hefner had fifteen girlfriends for a reason, and that reason is probably that he’s too old to use a fucking iPhone.
A guy’s early texting style will tell you a ton about his intentions with you. The time of day, details, and frequency with which he texts are all pretty correlational to how into you he is, so pay attention.
“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”
—Maya Angelou
If you’re wondering how often you should text him in the beginning a general rule of thumb is “the less the better.” However, if you’re never going to text him first, your text responses to him should be enthusiastic
or
somewhat long (key: somewhat, leave the essays for your English professor). If you want to text him, then figure that for every two times he texts you first you can text him first, but only with something funny/interesting to say. Like, don’t ask him how his day went. Not only should you not really care yet, but this will make him think you’re thinking about him randomly and makes the chase that much less exciting.
“She who texts first loses.”
—The Betches
Don’t be offended if a guy’s texts indicate he just wants to have sex. That’s his prerogative, but it doesn’t mean you have to put up with that shit if you’re looking for something more. If you want a relationship and he wants to fuck around, you should end things immediately and not waste your time. Here’s how to tell if a bro is into you in those very early dating stages or if he’s just trying to get it in.
He’s Trying to Date vs. He’s Just Trying to Get Laid
He’s Trying to Date If He . . . | He’s Just Trying to Fuck If He . . . |
Sends you Snapchats of his dog. | Sends you Snapchats of his dick. |
He likes and comments on your Instagrams. | He likes and comments on Jen Selter’s Instagrams. |
He asks you for plans with more than twenty-four hours’ notice. | He asks you for plans with less than twenty-four minutes’ notice. |
He compliments your mom’s cooking. | He compliments your mom’s ass. |
You’re stressed out about work and he texts you to say good luck. | You’re stressed out at work and he texts you to say he might have herpes. |
Tells you he likes a girl who likes an occasional night in. | Tells you he likes a girl who likes an occasional dick in her ass. |
What Would Karen Do?
When texting, Karen texts long-as-fuck paragraphs and constantly asks questions even when none are asked of her. She overanalyzes every single thing a guy says and is always the first one to initiate a conversation and the last one to speak in it. After two dates she’ll text a guy that she misses him and can’t wait to hang out again. She is a certified stage-5 clinger. In short, she is every guy’s worst nightmare because they can’t get rid of her no matter how much they ignore her, as she will take even the slightest polite response to indicate that he is really into her and will continue to text him despite his clear lack of pursuit of her.
Flirting on social media versus IRL is very different. Here’s an easy guide to follow on the apps of our choice.
Do:
•
Accept his friend request.
•
Let him comment on your pictures.
•
Like his pictures
occasionally.
•
Put your Instagrams on Facebook if he doesn’t follow you on Insta, with geotags if you’re somewhere cool.
Don’t:
•
Chat him.
•
Friend his friends.
•
Like all of his pictures.
•
Like any of his friends’ pictures.
•
Like any picture older than one month.
Who the fuck flirts on Twitter anymore? What are you going to do, write him a haiku?
Do:
•
Add him (if he has followed or friended you already or if he told you to add him).
•
Send him pics of what you’re doing, like walking your dog, or drinking outside with your friends.
•
Send him pics of something that was very obviously a joke between you two.
•
Make your story really hot/super-fun pics of you and your friends.
Don’t:
•
Send him pics of your sweaty face right after the gym.
•
Send him pics of your boobs and/or naked body.
•
Send him a pic first more than once a week.
•
Make your story really gross/super-fun videos of you popping your pimple.
Do:
•
Follow him back.
•
Like some of his pictures.
•
Put up pics of you in a bathing suit but not looking thirsty.
Don’t:
•
Like his pictures from thirty weeks ago.
•
Comment on pictures unless he’s done so first.
•
Accidentally like his ex-girlfriend’s pic.
If a guy’s early texting or social media dynamic points to the fact that he’s just looking to fuck around, then we promise he’s just looking to fuck around. Guys will not notice
what a cool girl you are and suddenly decide they’re ready for a relationship. It might happen once in a blue moon, but looking for a relationship that way is like driving your car into walls until you find one that won’t damage it. That wall may exist, but you’re going to do a lot of damage trying to find it. You cannot change him into someone who is ready for a relationship and who wants to date you. Not everyone is going to love you, and you need to get over that because you have no control over it.
What you do have control over is the amount of nonsense you put up with and the amount of respect you command. If someone is treating you like they don’t give a shit, it’s because they don’t give a shit. Figure out what he wants (meaning: pay attention) and if you don’t want the same thing, you need to bounce faster than Rob Kardashian from a mirror. Think of it this way: You are Harvard. Some people (not many, but some) turn down Harvard, so it’s not the end of the world when a guy for some reason feels he’d rather go to Yale.
“If someone shows you who they really are, believe them.”
—Maya Angelou
Flirting: From a Bro’s Perspective by Head Pro
Men don’t do themselves a lot of favors when it comes to dating, particularly not in the instance of flirting. To understand why men are so goddamn inept at something as simple as walking up and saying “hi,” you have to understand two things:
1.
Men are under the impression that you’ve got it easy. That is, we have to do all of the asking and the woman is able to just sit back and soak it all in. Most men don’t know what it’s like to be cornered by someone who makes you uncomfortable or afraid, or even to be stuck in a conversation with someone who just won’t. Fucking. Go. Away. So, we figure the hard part is up to us, and if a person convinces himself that something’s going to be difficult, odds are he’s probably going to suck at it.
2.
Every man’s deepest fear is emasculation. Sure, the threat pales in comparison to the violence and intimidation women fear from men, but whatever, it’s real. This is why the most common flirting advice for men from women (“forget the pickup lines and just introduce yourself!”) falls on deaf ears: Being yourself means putting your actual self out there, and men are terrified of vulnerability. If he goes up
to a girl and says, “Hi, I’m Jake, what’s up?” and gets rejected, it’s devastating. Because Jake went in there with nothing to hide behind—no pickup line to scoff at, no drink to decline—all there was for her to reject was him. That is fucking
brutal
for our fragile egos.
So what can you do to ease a dude’s anxiety?
Go Out With a Game Plan
Proper planning prevents piss-poor pickup lines, as they say. If you’re going out with friends, determine beforehand who’s looking to meet guys, or is at least open to the idea. Nothing’s going to throw a guy off his game like Becky’s drunk ass waddling up and being all
[Hiccup] Who the fuck are you and why do you think you can talk to my friend?
It puts guys on the defensive and is embarrassing. Besides, just use girl magic to call in the troops if a guy’s company is unwanted.
Show That You’re Having Fun
It’s not your obligation to be the life of the party, but if you’re having fun where you are, show it—smile, laugh, dance, etc. The kind of guys you’d want to talk to (that is, guys who are chill and social and having fun) look for the same things in girls.
Make Eye Contact
Like the Betches said, easily the biggest thing you can do to ease the transition from “ooh, she’s hot” to “hey gorgeous, what’s your name,” and it costs you practically nothing. When a guy feels like you want his attention, his stress level drops about 1,000 percent, and he’s
way
less likely to hide behind lame come-ons. Throw a smile in there if you’re not sure he’s picking up what you’re laying down, and it’ll be smooth sailing (if he’s interested, that is).
Don’t Be Afraid to Break the Ice
I’m aware this borderline violates some tenet of betchiness, but I’m not talking about outright hitting on a guy. If a guy you have your eye on (and who you suspect has his eye on you) isn’t taking the bait, consider a harmless non sequitur to break that invisible barrier.