I Had a Nice Time And Other Lies...: How to find love & sh*t like that (22 page)
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Authors: The Betches
You look at your boyfriend’s flaws and wonder,
Am I settling? Or am I merely accepting the fact that no one (besides me) is perfect?
Is it okay to settle down with a guy who doesn’t have a 401K? What about a guy not as hot as I am? Not as smart as I am? Someone who thinks a date at The
Cheesecake Factory is acceptable? Every betch has her individual standards, but where is the line between accepting someone’s flaws and settling because you don’t want to be alone?
The answer isn’t simple, but it comes down to this: If, after years of being together, you’re still excited to see your guy when he gets home, he treats you with respect, and you feel like you still have the same goals and values, and if he’s a person whom you can trust and feel safe with, then you’re probably not settling.
To be with someone for reals, you need to accept him just the way he is. If you want a puppy as a pet, don’t buy a hamster. If you think you’re going to change him, you’re fucking delusional. If your guy’s idea of affection is saving you the last pizza slice and you want someone who’s going to bring you two dozen roses every week, it’s time to move on. It doesn’t mean he isn’t a decent guy, it just means he’s not for you. Everyone’s version of settling is different, but if you’re staying with a guy because you think his habits will change and he’ll suddenly wake up one day the man you want him to be, you’re setting yourself up for disaster and a lifetime of being mis.
But, if you feel in your cold, cold heart that you two have a good time but you can do better, let this bro go. You need to feel like you are lucky to be with someone, and he needs to feel lucky to be with you. If not, cut the cord. Let him find some other girl who actually thinks “That’s What She Said” jokes are funny or who appreciates a guy who can party until six a.m. without calling.
Dealbreakers in Relationships by Head Pro
Congratulations! Against all odds, you’ve connived your way into a 100 percent organic, locally grown, free-range artisanal relationship. Here are a few (but important!) things to keep in mind to avoid destroying the budding relationship with which you have been entrusted.
Cheating:
Yeah, sorry, this is going to be a theme for the remainder of the book. You can’t have your cake and fuck it, too.
Revealing any weird/calamitous skeletons in your closet:
Okay, yes—the people whom you count among your loved ones are supposed to be the ones who accept you for who you are and support you through anything. That is true, yes, but in the context of a new, committed relationship, it would probably be best if he knew you were under investigation for tax fraud
before
he became your boyfriend. Planning a vacation to the Dominican Republic is romantic; having to change your destination to Haiti because you’re wanted in the DR for murder is decidedly less so. The point is, if it’s something life-altering, better to have revealed it earlier rather than later.
Getting up his ass about things that never bothered you before:
Now, no one’s saying that you’re not within your
rights to get pissed off if, at thirty-two, he’s still coming home shitfaced every night like a twenty-two-year-old. But if all of a sudden once you become exclusive, you just can’t fucking stand his friends, or the way he laughs, or his standing appointment with baseball every Saturday afternoon, that’s going to come out of left field and he’s probably going to be pretty hurt. You had every opportunity to air your grievances before now.
Picking fights for no reason:
See “Setting Traps” above. We know exactly what the fuck you’re doing when you do this.
Trying to make yourself a little too “at home” at his place:
In fairness, this depends on where you are in your PMP, C++, Six Sigma Green Belt–certified relationship. But all too often, women assume “no, I’m not seeing other people” also means “feel free to make my place into your second home.”
Any guy who doesn’t let you keep some toiletries, makeup, and a drawer of clothes at his place is your boyfriend in name only, but there’s a bright line between “couple” and “cohabiting.” For men, their home or apartment is their sanctuary until the two of you decide otherwise. Do yourself a favor and stop image-searching for “throw pillows” for now.
Messing with his money:
It’s perfectly reasonable for you to not want to hitch your wagon to a horse who spends all
his horse money like it’s going out of horse style. A formal relationship is an important stepping-stone to more serious things, after all, so it’s not a sign of good things to come if he’s sinking all his horse dollars into carrot futures. But at this point in time, you’re still two separate individuals, and what he does with his money is his business (and vice versa). If he can’t pay the rent on the stable, by all means get out of the relationship, but don’t give him shit for the occasional splurge. Like, have you seen your credit card statement lately?
We always say, “Tears are like lies.” The more you use them, the less they’re worth. Use your tears sparingly and only break them out when something is really, really distressing to you. Don’t be that annoying girl who cries to her boyfriend because she saw him talking to some bitch at the bar when he was actually just asking a bartender where the bathroom was. Your tears are going to mean nothing if you deploy them all the time and they will indicate more how annoying you are and less you feeling genuinely hurt. Why is it so upsetting to see dads crying? Because it rarely happens, so we know someone or something must be really fucked up. Whenever you have a breakdown, aim for Dad Tears: seldom and restrained when necessary.
As a general rule, don’t use your tears to make a guy pity you. He’s going to think you’re pathetic and this will only make him less attracted to you. You want your boyfriend to think of you as a confident, self-assured betch, not a weeping doormat. When you do use your tears, save them for a moment when something is not-overlookable to you so they make him ashamed of his behavior, not ashamed of you. For those of you who can only learn by example, here’s one:
“Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick, and pull yourself together.”
—Elizabeth Taylor
It’s not okay to cry when:
The waiter brings you yolks when you specifically asked for egg whites and your boyfriend refused to yell at him on your behalf.
It’s okay to cry when:
You’re frustrated at the end of a fight after your boyfriend has royally fucked up and refused to apologize for it.
Generally, the more calm and cool you are during your fights the more power you will command and the stronger your argument will be when you verbally school him in why he is totally 100 percent wrong. Betches don’t get sad, we get even.
“Don’t get mad. Get everything.”
—
The First Wives Club
The simple answer is: No. The more complicated answer is: Still no. Dealing with a cheater is pretty simple. If he can’t be bothered not to stick his dick into some other girl, then he can be replaced. You’re the prize, remember? Cheating is the ultimate betrayal and despite attempts at excuse or justification, there’s never any excuse or justification. It doesn’t matter if he told you immediately after. It doesn’t matter if it was just one time. It doesn’t matter if it was after you were exclusive but before he was officially your boyfriend. When it comes to cheating, don’t be a fucking idiot.
If a person agrees to be in a monogamous relationship with someone else, then the very least those people can do is uphold the one major stipulation of a monogamous relationship. If you value yourself highly, then don’t put up with people who do hurtful things to you, and cheating on someone is the most clear-cut, absolute violation of that agreement.
How could you ever trust someone who would do something that is guaranteed to cause you an immense amount of pain?
But Betches,
you might proclaim
, everyone makes mistakes! Don’t we all deserve a second chance?!
No, Carmela Soprano, we don’t. The kind of guy who would cheat, and especially the kind of guy who would cheat on YOU, doesn’t respect you enough to not inflict conscious levels of pain on you and therefore he has G2G. Maybe he’ll learn his lesson after you break up with him and maybe he won’t, but either way it won’t be your problem. The higher the regard you hold yourself in, the less disrespect you put up with from a shitty boyfriend. So no, you’re not going to meet him on the Brooklyn Bridge and decide to forgive and forget like some delusional
Sex and the City
character. You’re going to put on “Should’ve Said No,” dump his ass, and send the clear message that there are some girls too great to give out second chances like they’re Fairway coupons.
Occasionally you’ll run into a bro who will give you a rant about how “unrealistic” monogamy is. If you’re casually seeing or fucking someone with this opinion, it’s time to run. Then again, at least this guy is being up front about his decision to not want to be exclusive with you. But, at heart, every guy who claims that there’s “a biological imperative to spread his seed,” really means that he doesn’t think that you are worthy enough to be exclusive. As someone who knows she’s the prize, you’re obviously going to move on from this situation immediately for someone who is dying to lock you down, not negotiate terms and conditions to spout bullshit
“evolutionary theory” about why men “aren’t built for commitment.”
Worse is the guy who tries to use this excuse after he has cheated on you. If you believe that people aren’t meant to be monogamous, that’s fine. Hell, maybe they’re not. But if that’s your belief, then just do what the above guy did, and be up front. Don’t pretend you’re into monogamy and then make a bullshit excuse about it afterward. That’s called being a liar, and not even owning up to your shitty, weak actions, a.k.a. the worst kind of cheater.
Now that we’ve discussed what your tolerance for his cheating ways should be, let’s move on to you, you shady betch. Many people wonder how far they can go with flirting before it becomes inappropriate. Can you accept a drink from a bro in a bar if you’re in a relationship? Is it okay to even entertain a text conversation with a guy? Should you tell your back-burner bro to stop talking to you as soon as a guy locks you down? There’s a fine line between avoiding being that boring loser who immediately starts every conversation with “I have a boyfriend” when she goes out and being a shady hoe who leads a bunch of guys on for attention. We’ve developed a handy chart to see which category you fall into.
Let a Girl Live | Shady Hoe-ville |
Dancing in a group with girls and guys. | Grinding with anyone with a penis. |
Texting a male friend for his section notes. | Texting a male friend that your boyfriend is being really annoying. |
Accepting a drink from a guy at a bar. | Accepting a kiss from a guy at a bar. |
Not telling a guy you have a boyfriend while you’re casually flirting at a bar. | Not telling a guy you have a boyfriend after he asks for your number. |
At the end of the day, the best way to decide if a behavior is acceptable is to ask yourself two questions before participating in any questionable activity:
1.
If my boyfriend were here now and saw me doing this, how would he feel?
2.
If I saw my boyfriend engaging in this behavior with someone else, would I be okay with it?
Unless your guy is a possessive freak, you can get away with being a chill friend and if he is a possessive freak, prepare yourself for a lifetime of having to explain that you’re sorry that the Starbucks barista keeps asking for your number but you can’t help it that you’re like, really pretty.
Now that we’ve established the dos and don’ts of communication in a relationship, it’s time to evaluate if this is still a person you want in your life. Deciding to end a relationship that’s not working is one of the toughest things a betch must deal with, like WAY harder than picking an outfit for brunch. Pretty much every relationship you have in life will end eventually—unless you or said person die first, and even then, the relationship’s over, right?—so the art of the breakup is definitely a useful skill to master early. The ability to do it gracefully and with tact will really show what a stand-up betch you are.
“So it’s gonna be forever or it’s gonna go down in flames.”
—Taylor Swift
By breaking up with someone with whom you don’t see a future when you realize you don’t want them anymore, you’re doing both of you a favor. Why would that guy want to be with someone who doesn’t actually want to be with him? Set him free to find someone who actually likes him.