I Had a Nice Time And Other Lies...: How to find love & sh*t like that (14 page)

“Don’t ever date a man that takes more selfies than you.”

—Anon

Shit Crazy Bitches Do: Confront a Nonboyfriend About His Social Media Presence

If a guy is not your boyfriend, he owes you nothing. So when you confront a guy about who his new Facebook friends are or casually ask him who else he’s sending Snapchats to, you just seem possessive and desperate. As we said, try not to look at his social media while you’re casually dating, as nothing good can come of it. Just like nothing you do is his business, he doesn’t owe you anything yet in the real world or in cyberspace. Plus, that girl you happened to see on his Instagram follower list (that you refresh daily) is probably his sister, so chill the fuck out.

Dealbreakers from a Guy’s Perspective by Head Pro

The good news is that our dealbreakers, in the grand sense, aren’t going to be much different than yours. The other good news is that “big picture” dealbreakers are more or less where we stop—there’s no minutiae concerning what you do for a living or how our last name will pair with your first, for instance. The bad news, however, is that guys can be annoyingly fickle when it comes to why a girl just isn’t doing it for us (oftentimes, we can’t even articulate why). There’s not shit you can do about that (and you’ll go nuts trying), so focus on these big items instead:

Having Like, Obviously Horrendous Opinions:
It kind of goes without saying, but if you’ve got some hot takes to give on subjects like The Blacks, The Jews, The Muslims, The Mexicans, etc., guys are gonna head for the hills. Basically, don’t be a racist.

Being Too Tall/Short:
Men have incredibly fragile egos, and unfortunately most of us directly tie our masculinity to how far we tower above our paramours. Believe it or not, I’ve heard guys complain that a girl was too short, too. No, I don’t get it, either. It might have something to do with feeling like they’re not using their height to its full advantage (i.e., not walking arm in arm with a tall, statuesque woman), maybe?
I don’t know. The good thing is that guys who don’t give a shit about things like this will have no qualms pursuing you. A good guy won’t sweat a few inches either way and will be more than willing to climb that tower. Always keep in mind that if a guy’s being shitty about your height, he’s the one with the problem.

Looking Wildly Out of Touch:
Guys may not have any clue what’s trendy or what’s stylish, but we will notice if everyone at the bar is wearing work clothes and you’re chilling in jeans and a ratty T-shirt. Not a big issue for adults, typically, but I’ve seen some college/postgrad betches fall into this kind of lull.

Being Overly Gross/Inappropriate:
It’s true (and kind of shitty) that we afford men WAY more leeway when it comes to vulgarity and off-color humor. But that doesn’t mean that you should stick it to The Man by telling Holocaust jokes and cussing like an eleven-year-old who just learned the word “fuck.” The older people get—regardless of gender—the more boorish this makes them seem. You don’t want to be that girl who giggles whenever someone says the word “butthole” (though it is pretty funny, tbh), but remember that you’re having a conversation, not auditioning to be the next Howard Stern.

Discussing Religion/Politics/Money:
I’d rather talk to the girl telling the Holocaust jokes. Note: This does not apply
if you live in DC or NYC, where not talking ENOUGH about politics and money (respectively) counts as a dealbreaker.

So yeah, in general most of this is stuff that if you don’t do it already, you don’t need to worry about it. If one or more of these things apply to you, though, not only should you consider cleaning up your act for dating purposes, but maybe reevaluate your life in general while you’re at it.

What Guys Think When You Decide to Have Sex with Them

For literally a century (and probably more), women have heard countless verses of the same shitty song: Don’t give it up too early. Why would he buy the cow when he can get the milk for free? No one wants the ice cream truck when you’re giving away the popsicles. Have sex too soon, and he won’t see you as the kind of girl he can take home to mom. No one values that which is easily gotten. And on and on and on. This is problematic for a couple of reasons: For starters, it transforms sex from an activity two people (or more, if that’s how you get down)
do
into a “thing” for men to obtain. This basically reduces you to a walking vagina, which is equal parts sad and anatomically impossible. They say in successful relationships and sports teams that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts; women are greater than the sum of their holes.

But there’s also another, often overlooked issue: As with the tired sayings in the above paragragh, are these old sayings even true?

I’m just going to lay it out there:
A guy who doesn’t text you back after you fuck wasn’t going to stick around for long anyway
. Women tend to think sex flips off some kind of “commitment” switch in our minds, assuming that since you banged someone too soon, they now have no incentive to stick around. It’s a classic case of confusing correlation with causation. I mean, think about it—if sex actually worked that way, would there
ever
be a “right” time to put out?

An old saying that
is
actually true is “sex won’t make him love you.” That is, when the guy you banged on the second date doesn’t take you on a third, it’s not because of the sex, it’s because he probably wasn’t into you enough to ask for a third date, regardless. The poor girl who can’t hang on to the dudes she fucks isn’t necessarily too slutty for her own good; she’s just like,
really
bad at picking guys.

Of course, that’s not to say that there isn’t a good reason to hold back on sex for a little while. It mostly boils down to how into a guy you are, and how personally and intimately you regard sex: Ask yourself,
how much do I like this guy?
And
how devastated would I be if things fizzled out after the fourth (or whatever) date?
Now, ask yourself if you’d feel even
worse
about it if you’d also had sex in that time period. Dating outside of sex allows the two of you to get to know and evaluate each other, and ultimately become invested if everything works out. Generally, people don’t bail on things they’re personally invested in. That’s why it’s called “dating” and not “finding people to fuck until you decide to get married.”

“Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.”

—Chelsea Handler

Inspirational Fictional Betch: Daenerys Targaryen

I will take what is mine with fire and blood.

Dani T. epitomizes the need to love yourself first before anyone else can give a shit about you. In season 1 of
Game of Thrones
she is a quiet, lame nicegirl who lets her brother and husband take advantage of her because she doesn’t think she has any worth. With a little help from Jorah and the realization that she’s a fucking queen, Dani transforms herself into a power betch who gets what she wants and manipulates everyone around her. She tells her brother to go fuck himself (i.e., has him killed), reclaims her birthright, manages to transform her husband, Drogo, from aggressive rapist into someone who is basically her errand boy, and gives birth to fucking dragon minions. By the most recent season Dani has an entire nation following her every word and pretty much every bro in the seven kingdoms wanting to fuck her. Moral of the story: By realizing that she has had the power all along within herself, Dani managed to propel her self-love into the love and admiration of everyone around her.

“Don’t put the penis on a pedestal.”

—The Betches