I Had a Nice Time And Other Lies...: How to find love & sh*t like that (5 page)
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Authors: The Betches
1.
Hearing the truth: You’re a virgin who can’t drive.
The true test of confidence is going out with your friends
and only having one to two drinks.
2
If your reaction to this suggestion is
Yeah fucking right, I’d rather slit my wrists than go out sober,
then we’d say you have some confidence issues. We didn’t say go out sober, we said have just a couple of drinks, which will give you enough liquid courage to talk to outer-circle people about shit like the weather or what they do for a living. Two drinks definitely won’t be enough to temporarily erase your memory that you think you have the worst skin, have just been fired, or call yourself “Fat Bastard” when you look in the mirror. If you notice general signs of a lack of self-confidence, it’s definitely time to face them. You’ll never get a second (or first) date if you can’t even fathom someone wanting to go on one with you.
Warning signs include:
Lying to your friends about the guys you’re sleeping with; not wanting to participate in social group activities; an inability to look in a mirror when trying on clothes; getting really defensive about trivial things, etc.
2.
Accepting the truth: That was way harsh, Tai.
Pinpoint the exact thing that is standing in the way of your happiness. You probably do this all day already, but take a minute and
think about yourself
. This time, don’t concentrate on what’s stressing you out or what you’re going to have for dinner. Instead, try to identify what it is that you really don’t like about yourself. It won’t be hard. If there’s a bunch of things on this list, try to address each one. The hardest one
to fix is almost always the reason why you feel shitty about the other ones.
Examples of woes include:
Too slutty, too drunk, overweight, unemployed, huge bitch, etc.
3.
Breaking it all down: It all boiled down to one conclusion, I was just totally clueless.
Once you’ve figured out what the issue is, make a plan to rid yourself of it. This advice applies to how you should act when you’re being pursued, and with a diet. Just like you wouldn’t build Chipotle Day into your Juice Cleanse, you shouldn’t accept anything less than committing fully from yourself.
Remember:
Nothing that’s worth the effort is easy.
Examples of plans include:
Vowing to stop sleeping with random guys; taking half shots instead of full shots; getting on a real diet; calming the fuck down, etc.
4.
Realization: I am totally butt-crazy in love with Josh.
At this point you see that people are positively reacting to your changes, saying things like “Hey, you haven’t cried at a party in a while!” or “Ever since you started having juices for lunch, you’ve really dropped weight.” This reinforcement will only help you continue to do what you’re doing. If you get stuck or fuck up it’s totally fine. Don’t beat yourself up and keep going. If you fall off the treadmill, do you get back on? Probably not, because that was probably really fucking embarrassing and you had to flee the gym immediately. But metaphorically speaking you should. This is your life, and it’s not casual. Take it as seriously as you take buying a new Louis
Vuitton bag or committing to summer weekends in Montauk: Super serious.
Examples of positive reinforcement include:
Not wondering if you’re pregnant; remembering things that took place after ten p.m.; getting compliments on how great you look; people coming to you for advice because they now think you give a shit about them, etc.
“Don’t let the haters stop you from doing your thang.”
—Kevin Gnapoor
What Are Men Attracted To?
by Head Pro
Fuck, that’s a dumb question to ask. We’re not starting off on a good note, you and I. It’s not that it’s a dumb thing to wonder, per se, it’s just that asking “what are guys attracted to?” is like asking “what do Dalmatians think of season two of
True Detective
?” Illogical. People ask it as though, over millions of years of human existence, we’ve somehow managed to overlook a handful of secret factors that, once unlocked, will make the opposite sex want to see us naked. People really behave this way, too—picture every Internet ad you’ve ever not clicked on promising “one weird trick to get rid of bunions,” or whatever the fuck.
If there were such a thing as a checklist for things men found universally attractive and I had it in my possession, I’d charge you 20 percent of your lifetime earnings and viewing
rights to the first bone sesh between you and the Mr. Perfect I helped you land. Instead, the few things that men do find universally attractive tend to relate to your body, over which you have very little control. For instance, recent research has demonstrated that when shown images of various female body types, men overwhelmingly preferred shapes where the butt met the lower back at an angle of precisely 45.5 degrees. Until one of the Kardashians is bold enough to popularize elective spinal realignment surgery, you’re shit out of luck. But let’s be real: It’s probably only a matter of time until Kylie capitalizes on that.
The good news is that for all the worrying you do about how your boobs look, whether anyone’s seen you in that outfit before, etc., the way men view women is shockingly predictable—for as many dumbasses who describe themselves as “boob guys,” or “ass men,” the very first thing any guy notices about a woman he’s actually interested in is . . . her face. It’s true! While obviously men have preferences, no guy can say with any honesty that the woman with the amazing body (but fugly face) is more attractive than the one with a pretty face, provided she has all her limbs and isn’t a hunchback. The point is, your face (which you can certainly improve/maximize, see the Betches’ sections on shit like makeup) is a lot more important than most of the shit you spend way more time pinching, pulling at, and fretting over in the mirror. No one’s going to give a shit about your muffin top if your face looks like God was chasing the dragon when he made you.
Beyond looks, things get murky. Humor is important to guys—it’s not as important that you be the one with the jokes so much as it is that you have a sense of humor at all. Your sense of humor is, on a larger scale, the way in which you convey your values and worldview. I’ve never had a girl write to me to say her boyfriend is perfect but unfunny, nor has a girl ever written to say she finds her boyfriend hilarious but detestable in every other way. If you’re with a guy who seems likeable enough, but you simply cannot find it within yourself to laugh at his decade-old Chuck Norris “facts” and
Old School
quotes, well, that’s probably going to put him off—which is a good thing for you. If you don’t share his sense of humor, there are likely a lot of other things you don’t see eye to eye on. Actually, if anyone you meet still responds to the question of plans on Sunday with “I don’t know, I don’t know if we’ll have enough time,” that’s a good sign to walk away slowly and call the fucking authorities.
Self-reliance is also a big thing. When guys complain about girls being “clingy,” girls hear that as wanting to spend too much time together. That’s not really the case—what guys call “clinginess” is really when a woman can’t seem to do anything alone, things that make him wonder how you survived before you met him. Can you feed yourself? Can you keep your apartment livable without a maid? Can you perform routine tasks and run errands without accompaniment? Do you have a social life, ideally one that at least tangentially intersects with his? Do you have your own hobbies
and interests? Got any friends? It’s true that guys do tend to enjoy taking on that “provider/protector” role, but there’s a bright line between “provider” and “babysitter.” No guy wants the burden of constantly being the source of your stability or your good time.
These are just the biggest, most obvious boxes that men want to check off within the first few moments/days of meeting someone—beyond that, guys’ individual quirks/preferences are as diverse as a college admissions brochure. That’s why, rather than drive yourself fucking batshit trying to be everything to everyone, you should attempt to cultivate and sell the very best version of yourself. That is, make the most of what you have physically, be true to who you are and how you see the world, and make an effort to have interests outside of work and Instagram. There’s a term for people who can’t manage those simple things—we call them “VH1 reality-show contestants.”
Shit Girls Care About (That Guys Don’t Even Notice)
Ever notice how girls will list someone like Nicole Richie or Rachel Zoe as their “girl crush,” but guys didn’t even hear what you said because they’re too busy gawking at Kate Upton’s jugs? It’s because of something called “girl cute,” or little shit that girls really care about that guys never notice. Of course, you’re free to care about whatever gets your motor running, but in a dating context it might be helpful to know what kind of shit guys will notice, and what will go right over most of our heads. Stuff like . . .
He’ll notice . . . | . . . But he absolutely won’t notice |
Hair basics—up, down, long, short, curly, straight, color. | Anything else. Whether it’s the trendiest haircut of the year, whether you got a $400 dye job, you spent twenty minutes teasing it, etc. |
Whether your clothes fit improperly, or if you’re going for something obvious (e.g., super revealing, intentionally prudish). | Trends, subtle coordination efforts, tricks to hide parts of your body you don’t like (which is actually a good thing so good job), and designer labels. |
Full-on clown makeup, maybe. | Literally anything else about your makeup. Ask any asshole who says he prefers a “natural” look without realizing that it takes a lot of makeup to look like you’re not wearing any. |
If you’re wearing shoes at all, if your shoes are COMPLETELY inappropriate for the weather (e.g., sandals in January). If you have some cool workout kicks, guys might comment on those. | If your shoes are expensive or cheap, on-trend or last season. If he does notice this shit you should ask yourself if you really want to be this guy’s beard or, worse, date someone who dresses better than you. |
You probably get the point. Apply the same rules for jewelry, accessories, etc. In general, guys have no sense of context for your appearance—we see you in a vacuum, as you stand before us. In a way, this is a good thing! While you might get annoyed that a special someone didn’t notice that the soles of your shoes matched your eye shadow or whatever, it means you should continue to dress the way you want
for you
and not for anyone else. Or at least not for the guy’s sake—whatever weird infighting girls have over this stuff is light-years beyond my understanding.
Dear Head Pro,
My girlfriends and I are noticing a lame trend: Our careers are great for our wallets, but not for boyfriends. Hear me out. I’m a successful young woman in NYC and there is a good chance I make just as much, if not more money than the guys I tend to gravitate toward, i.e., anyone with a legit stable career. I watch as much ESPN as I do Bravo and despite spilling my shit to someone I don’t know via e-mail, I consider myself to be one of the “normal ones.” I don’t by any means flaunt my money, but I do present myself nicely. I’m totes comfortable at Per Se one second and then zip-lining through the rain forest the next. . . . Basically, like many betches in a big city, I’m a size 2, I went to a great school, and I’m not a total whore, so what the fuck gives?
When men approach me, I typically have a casual yet proper interaction with them and they’re hooked! We then go on a date and dabble in career, family, and travel talk and before I can even pay for dessert (a lady always offers to pay for dessert or one round of drinks), they’re looking around for the next anorexic, airhead skank to bone and me and my Prada bag are left to hail a cab back home for a night of wine, ice cream, and
Sixteen
fucking
Candles
, before pulling my shit together and doing this all over again.
I don’t want to dumb myself down so a dude can feel more superior. I have no idea what the hell feeling it is that dudes are seeking. And as fucking lame as it sounds, the man that I am supposed to chill with for like, ever will love me the way I am, for sure. But
whatever the hell it is that I am doing right now, is proving repellent.
Is it true? Do guys only like girls who look like anorexic bitches? Is it truly unattractive when a woman has an education? Is it gross to have a sweet career? We grow up being taught that skinny, kind, educated, pretty people are the only ones who end up with love, happiness, and money. Well I am happy, I have money, but my shit gets lonely when I see couples running around all over the damn place.
Sorry for sounding like an idiot,
Betch in the City
Dear Betch in the City,
Well, you don’t sound like an idiot, so no need to beat yourself down. However, I am sensing something of a self-perception issue. You may be the most interesting girl alive, but your description of yourself reads like a parody of a terrible
Match.com
profile (ESPN/Bravo, Per Se/zip-lining, name-dropping your passé bag manufacturer). Maybe cool it with that, a little.
Anyway, in the interest of brevity, I think three things are happening:
1. You basically admitted this yourself: There’s nothing special about you. You’re just like many other “Betches in a big city,” as you say. What you’re learning is that being “skinny, kind, educated, pretty” only nets you an invite to the
dance that is “love, happiness, and money”; it doesn’t guarantee you a dance partner. Tell me more about this zip-lining, or what specifically you like to watch on Bravo or ESPN—set yourself apart in some way, however small.
2. Leading with how awesome and (un)exceptional your life is doesn’t exactly make clear how dating you would either offer him anything or offer him the opportunity to improve your life, especially when you want to date like-minded men. People want to feel needed. They want to feel like the bond they share with you creates something greater than the sum of its parts. Though you’re justified in being proud of your success, maybe stick to more subjective topics that offer room for the guys you date to offer some of their own perspective.