I Didn't Come Here to Make Friends (22 page)

His background. I liked that he had grown up in Tucson and had a strong connection to Arizona.

His manners. I received a call from a producer asking if I’d be available to speak to Ben on the phone. I knew he wanted to ask my permission to propose to Courtney. He seemed like a good guy and I consider myself a good judge of character.

When everyone got back to L.A., the Rose Ceremony was held at the Regent Beverly Wilshire, a.k.a. the hotel where the movie
Pretty Woman
was shot and the location of a runway show I did once with Yoko Ono. It was kind of fitting that we were at the
Pretty Woman
hotel. I felt like I had a lot in common with Vivian Ward—not the hooker part, but living in a fairy-tale romance bubble. On some level, even though I hated the claustrophobia and catfights, I knew it was going to be hard to go back to reality after this incredible experience.

I hadn’t seen the other three girls in more than a week (well, besides the face-off with Lindzi on Rodeo Drive), so when we were herded into the Rose Ceremony it was jarring. I may have experienced PTSD just seeing Kacie B’s face.

We weren’t allowed to talk to each other so I had absolutely no clue what had happened on their Hometown Dates. I wouldn’t find out until months later that Lindzi opened up to Ben that she’d basically been suicidal after her last breakup. And that Ben really bonded with Nicki’s amazing family. Or that Kacie B’s ultraconservative father not only didn’t drink, but also wouldn’t approve of a devilish wine maker living in sin with his daughter before marriage.

It didn’t really matter. To be honest, I’d forgotten that they were all still on the show. Ben and I had a huge turning point in Arizona and it really felt like we were dating. It felt like he was my boyfriend. I couldn’t imagine that any of them had a better time than Ben and me.

My hunch was confirmed when Ben gave me the first rose—and then eliminated Kacie B. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to deduce that Ben, a sophisticated city boy from San Francisco and Kacie B, a country girl from Clarksville, Tennessee, were doomed after the Hometown. She proceeded to have one of the most epic, ugly-cry meltdowns in the history of
The Bachelor
during her exit interview. And her sunny Southern belle shtick went right out the limo window when she started hurling profanities.

“What the fuck
happened
?” she wailed. “What the
fuck
happened!”

I’d like to say I handled her elimination with grace and compassion, but it just wasn’t meant to be. After the Rose Ceremony, I returned to my hotel. I walked into the lobby, carrying my rose, in quite the celebratory mood. As I whooped it up with the hotel staff, who’d become my pals over the last couple weeks as I’d bounced from L.A. to Scottsdale, they subtly shushed me and nodded toward a dark corner of the room. I looked over my shoulder and saw Kacie B, alone, slumped over on a bench sobbing.

Her limo driver had accidentally dropped her off at my hotel.

9

BONING & BABS

O
kay, we’re finally at the tantalizing, titillating Fantasy Suite portion of my
Bachelor
journey, so I’m going to skip the boring details of our first day date in Switzerland and get right to the good stuff. I mean do you want to hear another story about Ben and me having yet another picnic, or how he spoke fluent German to order us a hunk of cheese in a quaint little shop? I didn’t think so.

When we arrived in Interlaken, one of the most gorgeous mountain towns in Switzerland, I was the last of the three ladies to have my overnight date with Ben. I was staying in my own hotel room in a town called Thun, hanging out and getting massages, while Nicki and Lindzi were being handed Fantasy Suite keys to Ben’s heart and pants. I honestly wasn’t worried about him hooking up with the other girls. In fact, I had encouraged it. While we were skinny-dipping, I told him I was crazy about him, but that if we were indeed going to get engaged, he should sow his oats. I had. I told him to take advantage of being a single man because once we were officially together, I’d be the last woman he’d ever make love to.

“Do
you
,” I insisted. “Explore your options.”

We made a pact to never talk about his nights with Lindzi and Nicki. But that didn’t prevent me from hearing traumatizing stories. After the show ended, one of my cast mates spilled to me that Nicki had a major meltdown because, during pillow talk, Ben informed her that after his dad died he didn’t believe in God and was an atheist.

I guess I wasn’t the only one who didn’t ask the hard questions before it was too late.

Anyway, my turn with Ben finally came about five days after we arrived in Switzerland. Producers arranged for us to stay in a charming little cottage with low ceilings, a roaring fireplace, and a barrel of popcorn. I was grateful because popcorn is my absolute favorite food and I was starving because we couldn’t really eat on the day date.

Ten minutes after we were in the cottage, the camera crews, handlers, and producers scrammed, and we were completely alone for the first time ever. We immediately ripped each other’s clothes off and had intense, passionate sex on the couch in front of the fire. Producers had left a cell phone for us in case of emergency, but they did not leave us any condoms.

After sexual interlude number two, a sweet, slow lovemaking session in the bedroom, Ben and I lay facing each other, snuggling. We fit really well together.

“I’m madly in love with you,” he confessed. “I haven’t been able to tell you.”

“I am so in love with
you
,” I whispered back googly-eyed.

When we weren’t doin’ it, we drank wine, did some naked hot tubbing, and listened to Bon Iver on his iPod. We talked about everything.

Our sex was pretty good, but pretty textbook. There was definitely room for improvement. I wanted to see if Ben had a little more adventure in him, so I disappeared into the bathroom and came out wearing another naughty lingerie outfit I remembered to pack. Seeing the sexy black lace skirt with silk ribbons, Ben’s tongue practically rolled to the floor like in a cartoon. I could tell he was blown away and worried this might be too much too soon.

He was so nervous he wasn’t really sure what to do with me. So I kind of threw him around a little bit, and I’m pretty sure he liked it. We did every position under the sun, but I believe I sealed the deal when we successfully completed the reverse cowgirl.

I’m guessing Kacie B had no clue we’d successfully completed the reverse cowgirl or she may not have flown halfway across the world to Switzerland to inform Ben, yet again, that I was a menace to society and to beg for answers about why she was dumped. When he got back to his room after our steamy night together, Kacie B was there. He was so furious. He immediately sent her back home with her tail between her legs.

KEEPING IT REAL

Banging the Bachelor

Show creator Mike Fleiss once claimed that the Bachelor has sex an average of three times per season. And the action doesn’t only go down in the Fantasy Suite. What actually happens sexually between contestants has always been as closely held a secret as the Mafia’s omertà—until now! Enjoy these naughty blind items (to protect the innocent and the prude, names have been withheld):

This Bachelor was so asexual, his extremely hot and bothered Fantasy Suite partner kept filling up his glass with more alcohol every time he tried to hide in the bathroom. The unlucky lady was just trying to loosen up the guy, but it didn’t work.

This Bachelor was so horny he couldn’t wait to get to the Fantasy Suites to get laid. On a group date, he snuck away with a contestant for an off-camera hookup. But producers busted them just seconds after they left—and she was already on her knees giving him a BJ! When the producers tried to break them up, they didn’t stop and had to be pried apart.

This
Bachelorette
contestant was such a slimeball he hooked up with an ex at his hotel right before Hometowns!

That night at the final Rose Ceremony, Nicki also got sent home. Nicki said she felt “like a fool” in her limo exit interview, and I can’t blame her for thinking that if she did indeed sleep with Ben. I don’t doubt that she felt like she had something special with him. I’m sure he told all three of us that he felt a connection. Which annoyed me. If he meant all of the things he’d said to me in the Fantasy Suite, why did he go through with his dates with Lindzi and Nicki? I’d never been a clingy-after-sex kind of person, but now my usual cool-girl demeanor was history. Even though I’d told him to sow his oats, I found myself feeling possessive and jealous; the thought of him having sex with either girl made me sick. Couldn’t he just stop this now so nobody got hurt? Other Bachelors/Bachelorettes had played with the format and sent people home earlier or spared them a public elimination out of the kindness of their hearts.