I Didn't Come Here to Make Friends (21 page)

8

I DO’S AND DON’TS

L
anding back home in L.A. was a massive shock to the system. It was no longer normal or acceptable to wear bikinis fourteen hours a day, have catfights, or dance in the rain to tribal drums. Fortunately, producers did their best to make the transition easier. For four days I stayed at a luxury hotel right next to the 405 freeway. I ordered in bottles of wine and ate tuna tartare from room service, worked out, and lay around lazily in my robe.

A few days prior, they asked me what I wanted to do with Ben in Scottsdale on my Hometown Date. I knew I’d end up golfing or doing something sporty if I didn’t take matters into my own hands. I told them I wanted to take Ben to the Farm at South Mountain, a twelve-acre oasis of lush gardens, pecan trees, and rustic, gourmet restaurants just outside of Phoenix. Ever since I was a little girl, I’d dreamed of getting married under the Farm’s ivy-covered canopy in the grove of pecan trees. I took my ex Dylan there once on Valentine’s Day, but he didn’t think it was romantic. He was totally bored and laughed at me when I told him I wanted to have our wedding there. I cried myself to sleep that night. I’d also done several photo shoots on the property, so taking Ben there was important and sentimental to me. I prayed he wouldn’t laugh at me, too.

The producers suggested that I ask Ben to write and exchange fake vows with me at the Farm. I was really uncomfortable with that—it was
so
over the top—but I knew that the fallback might be putting on a pair of hideous plaid knickers, strapping a bag of clubs on my back, and walking eighteen holes at one of Scottsdale’s championship golf courses.

I warily agreed to the vow thing. A PA took me shopping in Los Angeles to find a white dress that would subtly resemble a wedding gown. I found it at my favorite boutique in Beverly Hills. It was gorgeous and it only cost $30. We actually ran into Lindzi strolling down Rodeo Drive, but we had to pretend we didn’t know each other. Hashtag awkward!

Besides the dress outing, I spent most of that time alone in my hotel room. Bored one day, on a whim I picked up the phone. There was a dial tone! Thrilled and paranoid, I dialed quickly.

First, I checked my voice mail, hoping for a message from Chris begging me not to get engaged. Nope. Nada.

Then I called my dad.

“Hello?” Hearing his voice made me want to weep.

“Hey, it’s Bug! I’m calling you illegally!”

“You better not be!”

I heard my mom in the background ask impatiently, “Who is it?”

“It’s Bu—” he started to say, and then abruptly stopped himself.

Then he hung up on me.

I didn’t know it, but he was riding in a car with a few producers, who were already in Scottsdale setting up my Hometown Date. They’d already taken my parents out to dinner to explain what was about to go down in their house. On October 31, they’d bring a “small” crew of fifteen to twenty people over to Casa de Niñas, for a total of about eight hours. They instructed them to tell curious neighbors that I was filming a mayonnaise commercial. They told my mom not to worry about cooking any big meals because they would buy some food and set it up (and it would just sit there untouched, but they didn’t need to know that).

My mom was not happy about this occupation of her home, but she was especially peeved that her favorite holiday would be ruined. She would have to take down her beloved Halloween decorations and the neighborhood kids wouldn’t be allowed to ring the doorbell, yell “trick or treat,” and get their handfuls of candy.

When I arrived in Scottsdale, I stayed at a boring hotel three blocks away from my parents’ house, while Ben and the crew were put up at the swinging hipster Hotel Valley Ho. It was torture not being able to see my parents and my sister, who were so close, yet so far away.

With little else to do, I focused on writing my fake vows to Ben on the hotel stationery.

I wasn’t really ready to tell Ben that I loved him. I definitely was in lust and in like with Ben, but in love? It was starting to feel that way, but it felt rushed. There was so much I still didn’t know about him. And I realized that I hadn’t really done a good job of digging. I hadn’t gotten any real reactions to real-life situations. I hadn’t asked simple questions like:

“Are you a Democrat or Republican?”

“What was the longest relationship
you
ever had?”

“In real life, what would be your ideal Saturday activity?”

Mine would be going to a movie or on a hike. I didn’t know yet that Ben would prefer to sit in a bar drinking and watching football with ten of his closest buddies.

Anyway, I wrote the vows:

I’m looking for love, real love. Passionate, consuming, can’t live without each other love. To love unconditionally. A partner and a best friend for the rest of my life. When I look at you from across the room I know that your happiness is the key to mine. My one true love. For better or for worse, in sickness and in health. To honor
not
to obey or control. To love, to hold, and to nurture. To love you faithfully and wholeheartedly. I’ll give you my hand, my heart, my body. I will trust you, respect you, and encourage you, laugh with you and cry with you. For all of my days. In the famous words of Bob Marley: Ben, I want to love you and treat you right, every day and every night. I hope you know I’m one hundred percent ready for marriage and I’m so happy I found you. I want you to know I’m in love with you.

I was so freaked out about what was about to happen, I tried to lighten it up a little with some reggae lyrics, mon, and a quote from
Sex and the City
. Then I added that I loved Ben at the very bottom of the page, the very last sentence.

Before the big day, we rented a convertible and we went to the Last Chance outlet so I could buy a dress for the next cocktail party/Rose Ceremony back in L.A. I found a gold sequin Alice and Olivia gown with a giraffe print for $24. It was too big and the zipper was broken, but I’d ask Cary, the show’s stylist, to help me fix it. That night, I went to dinner at my favorite restaurant, Hillstone.

KEEPING IT REAL

Guess Who!

On a Hometown Date, this Bachelor promised the contestant’s young brother that he would be back to teach him how to do things like throw a football. When the show ended, and he didn’t pick the contestant, the little guy burst into tears and asked if he was the reason why the Bachelor didn’t propose.

In the morning, I headed to the Farm to begin my nerve-wracking Hometown Date with Ben. When I got there, I realized they’d hired a legit licensed preacher guy to officiate the “wedding.” I was so scared that Ben would flip out and run for the hills. I wouldn’t blame him. I wanted this to be fun and lighthearted and now it felt like we were actually getting married! Gulp.

When Ben arrived, he was having a bad hair day. He looked like Francine from those
Arthur
cartoons on PBS, and yet I was still very attracted to him. We had a picnic on the grass. There was an amazing basket of goodies right under our noses, honey and apples fresh from the farm, but, of course, we didn’t eat any of it. Not that I could have eaten anyway, my stomach was in knots and I could barely concentrate. I suddenly had a newfound appreciation for how stressful it must be for the Bachelor to set up so many “perfect” dates.

After picnicking, we walked over toward the altar in the pecan tree grove, and Ben commented nervously that it looked like a wedding was being set up. I took a deep breath and mustered the courage to tell Ben the truth. I explained that I picked the Farm because it’s where I wanted to get married and that I wanted to exchange pretend vows with him. To my utter relief, he didn’t bolt like a runaway bride. He was totally into it. He could see that I was shaking with nerves, and he hugged and comforted me.

I gave him a little book to write his vows and was impressed when he wrote a beautiful message to me off the top of his head, right on the spot. I’d spent hours toiling over mine in my hotel room. Then we stood under the canopy and I declared my love for him before God, some weird preacher dude, and the crew.

Ben didn’t flinch when I said I loved him.

Then he read his vows back to me:

From the moment I saw you, you took my breath away. What I asked myself after our first date was,
Is this too good to be true?
The answer I found in Belize is no, you are incredible. I love how you make me feel when I’m in your presence. You are strong, kind, beautiful, and I find myself falling for you more and more every time I’m with you. You are real and honest and for that I am thankful. A breath of fresh air in a world of uncertainty. I firmly believe in timing and I have always felt that the timing of us has been beyond our control, a sign that I have never felt before. So thank you for believing in me and trusting that we would get to this point after an incredible journey.

Huh, guess he didn’t feel he was ready to say
he
loved
me
? Oh well. We exchanged rings made of twine, kissed like the Pecking Pirates we were, and always would be, and prayed that we hadn’t just legally tied the knot. (Now that would be the most shocking episode of
The Bachelor
ever, because my mom would kill me right on-camera if I walked in and announced that we eloped.)

After the “wedding,” which took approximately thirty minutes, the “reception” was a total bust. I quickly wolfed down a salad at Delux on the way to my parents’ house, while Ben enjoyed a gourmet lunch at the Farm.

I was so excited to show Ben my childhood home, but as soon as we walked in, I ditched him in the doorway to give giant hugs—the holding-on-for-dear-life kind—to my dad, mom, and sister.

For what happened next, I’m going to hand over the keypad for an insider’s account from a special guest. Take it away, Dad:

“When Courtney and Ben bounded into the living room like two barnyard animals in heat, we finally got to hear about all of the exciting places they’d been visiting. And we saw how happy they were together. It was immediately clear to me that Ben was very infatuated with my daughter. He had already filmed the other three Hometown Dates previously that week and I was not surprised that they saved the best one for last.”

Aww, that’s sweet!

“I did think it was kind of odd that Ben asked me if I ever went skinny-dipping in our swimming pool.”

That
is
weird.

“Then Courtney told me they had gone skinny-dipping in Puerto Rico, but not to worry because it had been shot from a great distance and you could not see much in the moonlight.”

Oops. Sorry, TMI.

“Ben and I had a one-on-one discussion in the backyard. I could see he was truly smitten with Courtney and I told him that ‘marriage is life’s greatest gamble.’ I asked him, ‘Are you ready to make that bet, Ben?’ He answered, ‘I’m ready to be in a serious, committed relationship.’”

Hang on, that doesn’t sound like marriage to me. That sounds like dating.

“He then told me, ‘Rick, I love your daughter.’ I chuckled and said, ‘You do not have to tell me that. I can see it in your eyes.’ He had been struck by the thunderbolt. There was not a doubt in my mind that he would propose to her in Switzerland.”

Very well said. Thanks, Dad!

During his visit Ben also had a private chat with my sister, who took away a good first impression after they bonded over
Anchorman
. She jokingly told him, “The jazz flute is for little fairy boys.” And he said, “Why don’t you go back to your home on Whore Island!” He also talked to my mom, who didn’t want to be on-camera but did it for me. Briefly. Because she loves me she forced herself to say, “I like him very much,” even though I could tell she wasn’t that impressed. She quit halfway through during her final interview with the producers.

She didn’t trust Ben either. “I just saw you propose to another girl on TV a few months ago,” she drilled him. “How could you be in love with my daughter so soon?”

We all went outside to the patio table. We all had an awkward conversation while Ben and I pawed at each other lovingly. An hour after we got there, it was already over and time to leave.

As we all mingled in the foyer, I tried to get a read on my family.

“Do you like him?” I whispered.

“He told me he loves you,” my dad whispered.

“I can tell he’s in love,” my sister whispered.

The date was over and I had to leave. I was so incredibly sad to leave my family. The next morning, before we left town for the Rose Ceremony in L.A, I asked my handler to drive us over to my parents’ house in the convertible. I could see my dad reading the paper through the window and wondered what it would be like to have a normal life again. I left a box of cookies in the mailbox, honked the horn, and headed back to the land of make-believe.

KEEPING IT REAL

How to Give Your Daughter Away to a Stranger

by Rick Robertson

When Ben called me from Switzerland to ask for Courtney’s hand in marriage, I’d only had two hours to get to know him. I had to deduce quickly whether or not he was a lunatic or a murderer. These clues helped:

His eyes. On the Hometown Date, I could see that he was in love with my daughter and vice versa. I guess it could have been lust, but I chose to ignore that.