I Didn't Come Here to Make Friends (17 page)

Fortunately for me, I got the chance to totally redeem myself on
Bachelor Pad 3.
If nothing else,
BPAD3
proved just how fickle the Bachelor Nation and
Bachelor
fans can be. One second I’m being tarred and feathered for calling Emily’s daughter “baggage,” and then poof, I became America’s sweetheart’s rebound romance. I mean if Lindzi Cox liked me, I can’t be that bad—right?

The more dates Ben had the more connections he was making. The tension between everyone was palpable. Kacie B, who was now rooming with Lindzi, was the ringleader of the girls who didn’t like me. They had a big dance party listening to their clock radio, jumping up and down on the bed. When I saw them after, I asked, “Where was my invite?” I was met with crickets.

To kill time and keep the peace I started taking long naps. The other women all complained that I slept all day, but they didn’t know that Rachel’s buzz saw snoring kept me up all night.

The next day I wasn’t on the group date, “skiing” down one of San Fran’s steepest streets on fake snow wearing bikinis, which was okay because it terrified me. The downside was that it alienated me even more from the rest of the women. The upside was that Emily and I actually bonded a little in the suite together. She was a lot nicer to me when nobody else was around. She told funny stories about being a nurse, and how people always came into the ER with things stuck in their butts. I confided to her that when Chris and I broke up, it felt like a piece of me died. She then confided in me about the humiliating reason her last serious relationship blew up. Her longtime boyfriend was cheating on her the whole time and proposed to another girl while they were still dating. Ouch.

Besides a few fleeting moments, it absolutely stunk being trapped in the hotel room
again
while eleven of the other women, including my BFF’s Casey and Rachel, went on the group date. The only thing that made me feel better about it was that I heard later that Kacie B fell down more than the other girls.

Sure, I had mild cabin fever, but Brittney was totally freaking out. She couldn’t handle the show and wanted to go home as soon as possible. I sensed that the producers wanted to let her go too, but that they couldn’t let her just waltz out the door with no explanation about why she suddenly disappeared. But Brittney didn’t want to waste any more time. She packed her shit up in the free purple swag bag, rolled it right into the night portion of the group date (Rachel got the rose that night, yay!), and told Ben she was outta there. And that was that. She was gone.

Because Brittney bailed, Lindzi got the next one-on-one date by default. It was strange. I don’t think anyone ever felt threatened by Lindzi because she was just so goofy, neutral, and corny, always talking about her “shenanigans.” As she got ready, Lindzi announced she was going to bring fake plastic poop on her date and prank Ben by putting it on the seat next to him.
Great idea, Lindz,
we all lied.
We’re sure he’ll love it
. I’m not sure if she ever did it, but their date was pretty Mayberry: they took a trolley tour, ate ice cream, and slow danced at city hall as one of Ben’s favorite singers, Matt Nathanson, serenaded them.

Finally, day four in San Francisco arrived. I never thought I’d be so happy to go to a Rose Ceremony. I was bored stiff and restless, on the verge of completely flipping out if I didn’t see Ben again soon. I wasn’t the only one losing my mind. When we got to the cocktail party, I made a toast to all the girls hoping for a positive, drama-free night, even though I was about to go postal myself. Shortly after my phony Kumbaya moment, I got into a little tiff with Switzerland (Lindzi), calling her out for making one of her classic stinkfaces at Elyse. When I got up to walk away, Emily called me “weird” and said I had a “personality disorder” behind my back.

In the meantime, Ben had been making out with Jennifer within sight of all of us. Sensing I was about to go ballistic, he pulled me away for a private talk. He took me to the most special place in the hotel. We walked through a secret bookshelf in the library to the roof, where JFK had once brought Marilyn Monroe. We kissed in the misty rain and he told me he couldn’t stop thinking about me. I told him he was worth this process and I promised I could carry the weight of all the BS going on around us. Then I said we’d make cute babies.

I felt amazing for about four minutes. Then the shit hit the fan. The producers sprung a surprise on us—they invited Shawntel Newton, a reject from Brad Womack’s season—to come back on
our
show to try to win Ben’s heart. The timing couldn’t be worse. We were all already so filled with anxiety, stress, and Cheez-Its. As soon as the foxy funeral director walked into the party, she walked over to talk to Ben and interrupted his chat with Elyse. Incredulous, we all watched and tried to eavesdrop on their conversation, but we couldn’t hear what they were saying. When we figured out who she was, everyone completely fell apart. We’re talking, crying, cursing, criticizing her thighs. It was ugly.

I was apoplectic—primarily because Shawntel looked like the kind of girl Ben would be into. As soon as I confirmed that they’d known each other before we started taping, I stormed out, declaring that I was leaving the show because I did
not
need to find love like this. I made it down to the front of the hotel, with one of the producers trailing me and asking me to come back.

“We actually have a connection and you just blew it!” I screamed at him with tears rolling down my face.

Eventually I agreed to go back upstairs, but I told the producer that I wanted to call my sister Rachel at the next stop on the trip.

When I returned to the suite, I looked like a wet rat and the other women looked like the walking wounded. Nicki had mascara stains running down her face (ever heard of waterproof?). Erika, the law student who had barely even talked to Ben, was on the verge of collapsing. Jaclyn was screaming that Shawntel was “Dumpster trash.” We were emotionally drained and I was devastated for all of us (except for Swiss Family Cox—Lindzi, bless her heart, said she was being “open-minded” about Shawntel).

Yes, for a few short hours, I loved my crazy roommates. They were my temporary dysfunctional family and nobody messes with my temporary dysfunctional family. Vendettas were put on the back burner, for we had a new common enemy. When the producers brought us to the U-shaped couch to hash it out, we all banded together to make Shawntel’s life a living hell.

“Why are you here?” Elyse yelled at her. “You don’t even know Ben!”

“So now you’re a part of us?” Jaclyn taunted.

“Why do you think you deserve to be here more than the girls who already went home?” Rachel implored.

“I think she’s uglier in person,” Nicki sniffed.

When the Rose Ceremony finally started, the tension was off the charts. A lot of girls were still crying, terrified that Shawntel would steal away a rose that should have been theirs. I refused to look at Ben. If he gave Shawntel a rose, I was done.

Lucky for him, he called my name first.

“Courtney, will you accept this rose?” he asked with a little fear in his eyes.

“I will,” I said, shaking. “But tonight was a lot, and I just want you to know that. It was heavy for me. I saw you talking to what’s-her-butt and it was not easy.”

Ben was stunned that I called him out on-camera, but I was as serious as a heart attack (luckily Emily would know how to treat that). As he rattled off a few other names, it was obvious he was going to intentionally leave the Shawntel decision until the very last rose for full dramatic effect. I refused to look at him again and prepared myself to walk out if she got the last rose.

“I think I’m getting dumped for a girl he’s known for three minutes!” Jaclyn yelled.

Then Erika fainted. Twice.

After a couple breaks, Ben decided to send the last three girls—Erika, Jaclyn, and Shawntel—home. I was so busy yelling “sayonara” and cackling at Shawntel that I missed Erika fainting again and Jaclyn locking herself in the bathroom.

The Rose Ceremony was such a circus the next day Ben sent sushi to the hotel room. “Aww, how sweet, he sent me a gift!” Emily beamed, trying to make it seem like it was just for her.

Everyone shot her dirty looks.

“He knows I like raw food,” I taunted, then got up and walked away.

And just like that, because of a few pieces of tuna, we were all back to being enemies again.

6

FLY-FISHING & FIGHTING

K
acie B was the first one who figured out how to poo.

But it wouldn’t happen until we got to Utah, the next stop on our journey to find love with Ben. The lucky thirteen of us left traipsed through San Francisco International Airport like sister wives. Before our flight, I had to go to the bathroom. When I came out, I spotted Ben sitting in a restaurant, again with his baseball cap pulled down low. We locked eyes and I waved, trying to play it cool.

When we arrived at the ritzy Waldorf Astoria in Park City, I was tipped off to the exact location of the best suite. It was huge, and had a beautiful view and private bathroom with a double shower. I told Casey and Rachel to run there with me to stake our claim as soon as we got to the hotel.

I also cashed in on my call with my sister. I went out on my balcony where nobody could hear.

When I heard my sister’s and my dad’s voices for the first time in two weeks I got a lump in my throat. I didn’t want them to know I was crying, so I told them I was okay and that I really liked Ben, but was having a hard time with the girls. My sister gave me a pep talk and said she read on the spoiler website RealitySteve.com that I’d be going to Puerto Rico, Panama, and Belize next. She said she knew what cities I’d been to so far because I’d charged incidentals on my credit card and she was paying my bills. I promised after that to charge a gift in every airport so they’d always know where I was.

My dad was pretty quiet. I could tell he was trying not to cry.

Before I knew it, the call was over. It wasn’t as fulfilling as I’d hoped it would be because I felt bad that I’d worried them. My dad can always hear in my voice how down I am.

A lot of the girls were down, even though we were in a gorgeous mountain town and got to see the city’s first beautiful snowfall of the year. Jennifer was sick and kind of being snatchy. Samantha was openly bad-mouthing Ben, saying she knew a mutual friend of his and that Ben was just here to promote his winery. It alarmed me, but I thought maybe she was just being sour grapes because he wasn’t that into her.

Even Kacie B was starting to lose it. Her normally indefatigable sunny disposition turned dark as soon as Ben whisked Rachel away in a helicopter for the first one-on-one date in Park City. Her mood improved a tiny bit after she came up with the brilliant idea to take a suppository. Inspired by Kacie B, I put in a request for laxatives, stat, plus earplugs to block out Rachel’s foghorn snoring, which was
killing
me. Knowing help was on the way for my stomach issues, I gleefully stuffed my face again with all the locally grown vegan food they’d stocked in our new kitchen.

Producers knew we were on edge so they arranged for us to watch a movie and also took us on a field trip to get our nails done. In the lobby. Desperate for someone new to converse with, I tried to chat up my manicurist, but she shot me down.

As expected, I didn’t get another one-on-one date in Utah, but I was thrown into the group date with Nicki, Kacie B, Casey, Lindzi, Blakeley, Jamie, and Samantha. Ben rode up to us on a horse and expert equestrian Lindzi just about creamed herself. I picked Romeo, the slowest, oldest horse. Unfortunately for Lindzi, she got stuck behind me on the trail so she couldn’t show off her snazzy riding skills to Ben up ahead. Sorry!

We stopped to go fly-fishing in a river. The rest of the girls tried to catch a trout to impress Ben, but I knew my goal wasn’t to catch a fish. My goal was to hook a man. While the other girls socialized with each other, I waded over to Ben to get a private lesson.

I’m sorry to sound like a hater, but the reality is most of the other girls just didn’t try hard enough. They could have waded over to Ben, too, flirted and fondled his long rod. But they just rolled over and let me monopolize him. I refuse to apologize for taking advantage of their weak game play.

The only other girl who was super aggressive was Blakeley. Like me, she was punished with cruel insults and cold shoulders by the other women. But Ben rewarded her. During the group date’s night session, he made out with her in the pool. (There is always a pool on the group date. Always.) I have to give Blakeley an A for effort, even though it made me physically ill to see Ben putting the same mouth he kissed me with on her mouth. After seeing it firsthand, I did question whether I could ever put my lips on his again.

Grossed out by Blakeley, and then pissed that Kacie B had disappeared with Ben, I sat by myself and sulked while the other girls soaked in the hot tub together. At some point during the night, Ben sent Samantha home. He’d apparently heard about her insults. Plus everyone including him suspected that she had a crush on one of the crew members.