How to Host a Dinner Party (22 page)

In addition to calling them a taxi, we could also invite them to sleep over. Hopefully, our friends can accept this without throwing a tantrum and forcing us to hide their car keys. If not, guess who’s never invited again?

I frequently I have leftover dessert. The next morning, rather than eating half a pie for breakfast, I earmark it for my butcher. Since he and I are on a first-name basis, it is socially acceptable for me to show up with half a pie for him and his employees.

Some guests leave all at once, as if they just heard that the cops are coming and they have to scramble down the fire escape. Others will let one couple say their goodnights, then stay another ten minutes. I like this style. It’s a more gradual wind-down. There’s nothing you can do to enforce it. A good friend may offer to stay and help clean up. By all means, say yes.

If you’ve stored coats in a closet or your room, bring them to the departing guests. Some people will perceive a social barrier about entering your bedroom to fetch their coat. Holding a coat up so that its wearer can slip into it is an old-timey gesture that I adore. It seems like an affectation, but it is a tiny effort and always appreciated by a man or woman.

KISSES, HUGS, AND HANDSHAKES

 
 There is a potential for awkwardness in our farewells. We don’t want to leave a bad taste at the end of the night by shaking someone’s hand when the person wants a hug or groping someone who was going for a high-five. Don’t let me force you into a level of social intimacy that you’re not comfortable with, but be prepared for hugs and kisses.

This all depends on who you are, who your guests are, and how well you know each other. Some people are on a hug-hello basis with everyone, while others are strictly handshakers.

The people in your life likely all have a designated physical greeting: a handshake for the boss; a kiss on the cheek for a friend’s wife; a hug for a mom. However, at the end of an evening, if it’s been wonderful, you may find that that relationship has changed.

Having strangers over every week, I usually find that by the end of the night we’ve upgraded from a handshake to a kiss on the cheek. The key to not fumbling this is to read their body language and leave yourself open. First, allow other people to take the initiative. If someone’s wife, whom you’ve never met, had a great time and wants to give you a big hug, then you return that hug. But do not touch her hair, even if that is your particular fetish.

If you let guests get to the door ahead of you, they’ll form a gridlock, as no one wants to step through the portal without their last goodbye. Try to position yourself by the door so that everyone has to proceed past you, the way that people will line up at a wedding to greet the bride and groom. To avoid the double-goodbye, do this as they’re gathering their shoes. As they file past you into the night, each one will likely move in for some type of greeting. Use your complicated animal brain to read their movements and lean into it. As I cannot keep track of which friends require single, double, or (good lord) triple kisses on the cheek, I have simplified my life by only giving out one kiss per customer.

I think the Japanese have simplified everything with a bow. Then again, the exact degree of a Japanese bow denotes how much respect is being offered by the bower to the bowee, so maybe it’s not so much simple as it is gender-neutral. Perhaps we could just be like the military and salute.

THE CLEANUP

 
 Once the last guest has left, you’re probably tired, and rightfully so. If you want to go ahead and jump into bed, leaving the dishes for the morning, no one’s judging you — no one except me.

Just know, as your head hits the pillow, that somewhere out there, another dinner party host is doing a full cleanup. That host will wake up to a tidy home, get that promotion, and be 30 percent less likely to go bald, and his or her children will get into better schools. But if you’re really tired, sure, leave the dishes for the morning.

If you’re a couple, or if one friend has stayed behind, the cleanup is fun because you get to do the post-mortem. All those things that you kept your mouth shut about during the dinner can all come tumbling out. Did you notice that Lloyd demanded I open his terrible wine? Could you believe Mark’s totally bogus last-minute allergy to Brussels sprouts? And what is going on with Colin’s racist boyfriend Ian, Mr. “Hitler had some good ideas”?

Even if I’m by myself, I like using the time to recount what went wrong and what went right, who I need to thank, and who I need to apologize to. By the time the evening has been examined, the last of the dishes are washed and the table’s been wiped down.

But I don’t clean everything. After breaking a lot of wineglasses, I have learned to leave them for the morning. Good stemware needs a washing and then a wiping. Between the thinness of the glass and the thickness of adult hands, it’s too much delicate work to be done after midnight. Just before you go to bed, do you want to be bandaging your hand or picking glass out of the sink’s drain? Since a friend convinced me to leave wineglasses for the morning, I’ve stopped breaking them.

BEANS AND GRAINS

We should all learn to cook with beans and grains for three reasons:

1. 1.
   Getting protein from non-animal sources is good for our bodies.
   
2. 2.
   Learning to cook with beans and grains makes it easier to accommodate vegetarians.
   
3. 3.
   Beans and grains are inexpensive.
   

Dried chickpeas cost about $2 a pound. Barley is half of that. A cup of barley costs me 44 cents. Cooked, it will expand to about 4 cups.

In order to take advantage of these ingredients, we must first learn the technique of cooking beans and grains. Then we must learn how to use them in a dish.

Grains such as barley and quinoa benefit from a light toasting. The only trick to cooking them is to keep the water at a low boil. If you cook barley at a rolling boil, it becomes gluey.

Dried beans need to be soaked for a couple of hours before cooking, though lentils, which are small and cook quickly, do not. Again, keep the water at a low boil when cooking, or the beans will be torn apart and mushy. Navy or black beans will take longer to cook than kidney beans or chickpeas, but in general expect about thirty to forty minutes. Once cooked, you can store them in the fridge for up to a week before using. Just remember to cool them properly by laying them out flat on a cookie sheet. If piled in a bowl, hot food will continue to steam.

The larger challenge is how to use these ingredients.

Beans and grains are very good sponges for flavour. They have lots of surface area to absorb sauces, but not so much character that they’ll overwhelm other elements in the dish. Think of them as a coat of primer paint. They provide a platform for the main ingredient and make its job easier.

Here are a few things I like to do with barley, quinoa, and chickpeas. These elements aren’t interchangeable (I’d pair dates with quinoa or barley, but not with chickpeas). Cooking them separately, then combining them with different vegetables or proteins or cheeses, should drive home how modular they are. After you make one or two of these dishes as a side, a salad, or a base for a simple roast chicken breast, you might start to consider all the flavours that can stick to the lowly bean.

Barley and Brussels Sprouts Salad

Blanch and shock the Brussels sprouts by dropping them in a pot of boiling water until soft, about three minutes, then transferring to ice water until cool. Strain and pat with paper towels to dry. Slice into strips.

Using a mortar and pestle, or a food processor on pulse, lightly crush the almonds so they are pebbles, but not quite dust.

Toss the diced apples with a squeeze of lemon juice to prevent them from oxidizing.

In a large mixing bowl, combine all ingredients. Season to taste with salt and pepper.

Serves four.

Taco Salad

In a large mixing bowl, combine the cooked chickpeas, tomatoes, tomatillos, and Spanish onion with lime juice and chili. Mix, seasoning to taste. Assemble in four bowls with tortilla chips. Drizzle with the sour cream. Sprinkle with the scallions.

Mexican sour cream is closer to crème fraîche. If you can’t find it in a Latin grocery store, you could try some crumbly feta.