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“He would be here if he could,” Catherine
whispered.

Julie didn’t acknowledge Catherine. She took
a seat and reached for her dad’s hand. Sea crawled up in Julie’s
lap and nudged her tiny head in Julie’s neck. Julie heard the choir
singing. It was beautiful, but she couldn’t concern herself with
any of it. She was there to say good-bye to her mom.

Julie got up to speak. Tiffany and Tori told
her it would be too hard on her. But that was the last thing she
could do for her mom. She wanted to let the world know what an
amazing lady she was. Plus with bottled up emotions, a girl could
do just about anything. So, she started.

“Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, I should be home
getting ready to suffer through momma’s usual Christmas dinner of
soggy potatoes and crunchy green beans. Yes, my mom was no gourmet
cook. She was, however, this ray of sunshine that brighten
everything or anybody she was around. She built a home for my dad
and me that overflowed with love.”

Dan had his head tucked in his hands, sobbing
uncontrollably. Julie took a deep breath and continued.

“I didn’t worry about the future because I
believed she would always be here to guide me through this crazy
ride called life. I feel like I have finally fallen off the
slippery, precarious cliff I’ve been balancing on. I don’t know how
I will get through the next twenty years without her, much less the
next twenty days. I will never be as beautiful as she was, as
elegant, or even as carefree as she was. But I will spend every day
of the rest of my life trying to make the right decisions, trying
to do what is right. I pray I’m half the woman she was. Because if
I am? I will be great, because she was the best.”

Julie caught a glimpse of the front door.
Trucker stood on the outside looking in, his stare penetrated
through her heart. He was too still. A statue of Erebus in the
flesh. She counted to twenty, trying to retain her composure. He
might have appeared human, but his chilling eyes told her which
side was alive and well.

“Yes, today I am supposed to be home rattling
and guessing at my presents that are already neatly wrapped under
the tree. Instead, I am here with you, unable to say goodbye.”

Her eyes never left Trucker’s as she ending
by reciting
I will wait for you
by
Stephen
O’Brien.

“I will wait for you... Though we never had a
chance to say goodbye, remember me... When winter snows are falling
through a quiet sky, I'll remember you, When, in our darkest hour,
You held my hand and prayed I wouldn't go, But a silent voice
called out to me; My time had come, and I had to travel Home...
Since then, I know your life has never been the same, For I visit
you each day: So many times I've felt your pain: I've watched you
cry: And I've heard you call my name... But now, further along
life's road I stand, In a timeless world, just beyond your sight,
Waiting for the day when I can take your hand and bring you across
to this land of Golden Light... Till then, remember me, you
understand and try not to cry. But if you do: Let your tears fall,
for the happiness and joy we knew, And for the special love we
shared, for love can never die.”

That was all she could say. The tears were
there and the crack in her heart grew bigger. She stepped down,
walked straight toward her dad, kissing him on the forehead. She
glanced one more time at the front door before taking her seat;
Trucker was gone.

Catherine had arranged for Ellen’s friends
and co-workers to tell stories about Ellen’s life. Julie never
heard a word.

When the service ended, the whole town
emptied out in Julie’s living room. After nibbling on a few bites
of food and exchanging some small talk, she went upstairs and
slammed her door. She collapsed on her bed when she saw the
familiar flash of her cell phone.

You told me I will never be good.

You are right.

All I want is a life with you.

I live to see you smile and

know I was the one who put

that smile on your face.

My body craves your touch.

My soul leaps when you return that touch.

My soul blackens to have you flinch at my
touch.

As you did all day.

My life is a living hell without you.

I guess that’s the price I pay for being
me.

After all, how can you rain down hell on
earth

when you hold an angel?

I’ll leave you alone.

But I will always be around.

I will keep you safe and love you

always and from a distance.

Yours, Truck

The few emotions that had managed to escape
the cage that Trucker had put her feelings in were dried up. Julie
was empty again. She wanted to cry, but none were there. She
flipped off her light and went to sleep.

Chapter 25

Julie had laid in bed for hours listening to
Dan cry. In all her life she had never seen him shed a tear. She
didn’t realize he was saving them up for such a tragedy. It was
Christmas Eve morning, and Julie was no fool. She wasn’t getting
her Christmas wish that year. Her wishes and happiness died in that
wreck. Not only did her mom perish that day, but she was finally
able to take off her rose-colored glasses and see Trucker for the
monster he was. She sat up in bed, not knowing how to comfort her
dad. She couldn’t even drum up the appropriate state of mind. She
waited on a breakthrough in the wall blocking her emotions, but it
never came.

She picked up her phone to text Trucker to
get his opinion. He wasn’t there for her anymore. He had told her
his good-bye. She chucked her phone across the room out of
aggravation. He told her good-bye, but he still had her feelings.
The phone shattered into a million pieces. She heard her dad
outside her room. Everything in her life was broken. It was broken
because she loved
him.

“Baby girl,” Dan whispered and pulled her
into his arms. “I don’t know what to do anymore.”

The tears slowly came. Dan’s voice cracking
from the strain of crying, the quivering of his arms was her
undoing.

“Daddy, I wish I could turn back time.”

“Me too, but we can’t. We have to learn to
live our new life.”

A few moments ago Julie laid there trying to
figure out how to comfort Dan, but as always he was comforting
her.

“Daddy, momma wouldn’t want us to wail in our
own misery. Can we go do something fun, just you and me?” She wiped
her face with the back of her hand and tried to smile.

“I would like that, baby girl.”

Julie and Dan spent the day trying to have
fun. They took in three movies at the Cineplex, where they were
running a Christmas marathon. They saw
A Christmas Story
,
It’s a Wonderful Life
, and Julie’s favorite,
Chevy
Chase’s Christmas Vacation.
They had their Christmas Eve supper
at The Diner in town and even voted on making it a new
tradition.

Julie was exhausted when they got back home.
When she went to bed that night, she prayed for her dad’s heart to
heal, for breaks in her feelings, and the silliest of request was
for God to watch over Trucker. She also prayed he would one day
find the girl who would complete him and it wasn’t Emily. That was
the hardest thing she ever prayed for, because she wanted to be
that girl, but it was too late for them.

The week between Christmas and New Year’s was
a constant state of limbo. Ellen and Trucker’s gifts were left
unopened under the unlit Christmas tree. Dan replaced Julie’s
broken cell phone with a new one. She was adamant she kept the same
number, in case Trucker called. He didn’t. She heard not a peep,
saw not a mere glance of him. It was if he had vanished into the
unknown. He was mythical after all. The next day would be New
Year’s Day the start of a New Year, a new life. She didn’t stay up
that night to ring in the New Year. Sleep was her only peace.

*******

His angel sleeping was a breathtaking sight.
He didn’t know how he would go on without her. The feel of her hand
in his, her lips running over his, her curls wrapped around his
fingers. He came to give her the rest of her feelings back and
leave her one last gift. How can he say goodbye to his mate? He
didn’t know the answer, but he did know he would become a vessel of
good for her.

“Happy New Year, my love,” he whispered and
with one last bittersweet feel of her lips on his, he flew out of
her house and never let up on his pace until he was in his
room.

*******

Julie woke up that morning with a horrendous
ache in her chest. It was the first day of a new year. A year
without her mom, a year without
him
. If she could have any
New Year’s wish it would be to spend it with Trucker. That was
impossible, she had to let him go and move on with her normal life.
Plus, it was Sunday she was going to church. That was the one place
he could never go.

Something caught her eye. On the side of the
bed was the green pillow with Trucker’s name on it. She went over
to touch it and saw a small box with a note.

My love,

Happy New Year, Angel!!!

I came to give you the rest of your feelings
back and to leave you one last gift. I will try to leave you alone.
I won’t promise because I might break it, but I will try. My heart
still beats for you and always will. Take care of yourself and do
me one favor. I noticed you took off your charm bracelet. Angel, I
have to protect you, so I made you a smaller one without the other
symbols of our love. Please wear it!!

I will always love you,

Trucker

PS I left you my pillow, holding yours
brings me solace. I guess I was hoping one day you can hold mine
and find some comfort too. I tried to be crafty, and sowed some
buttons in the corner. It will give you something to twist when you
get nervous.

She pulled the pillow over in her lap, gave
all four buttons a tug, and opened the tiny box to find a dainty
and beautiful bracelet. It had a minuscule charm, the symbol of the
mighty brotherhood. That was not what got her attention. It was the
clasp. The clasp was his symbol, a crown. She could almost stomach
the idea of wearing that detestable symbol, but her heart couldn’t
handle wearing his symbol. She wasn’t his and part of her knew she
never was. She put the bracelet back in the box and shoved it under
her mattress with the other one.

She pulled the pillow up to her face. It
still lingered with his scent. The pain smacked her in the gut. It
was indescribable. She finally cried for herself, Trucker, her mom,
and her dad, but most of all for the life that should’ve been
theirs. This was grief and it was worse than anything she could
experience under the hands of Larry Castleman.

“Hey, baby girl, why are you crying?” Dan
asked, sliding down beside her.

She laid her head over on his shoulder when
he started tracing the outline of her ear with his finger as he had
done numerous times before. She was hurting. She had never known
pain like that. It ached to her very core. When she was thrust into
Trucker’s world she asked what she was left with. Now she knew, she
was left with nothing. She wiped the tears with the back of her
hand. She felt a hundred percent responsible for her dad’s pain and
didn’t want to add her own to it. She held her chin up and let the
last of the tears fall down her cheeks.

“A new year without mom,” she said the
thought that laid so heavily between them.

“She would want you to be happy.” Dan tugged
her closely under his arm.

“I will be. We need to get ready if we plan
on making it to church.”

“Are you sure you want to go?”

“There is nowhere else I would rather go.”
She put on a fake smile and kissed his cheek.

******

It had been weeks since she sat foot inside
the church door, but she instantly felt at home. Her mind
continually drifted to Trucker, but luckily not one person asked
about him. The message that day was what she needed to hear. The
pastor preached on forgiveness both on forgiving others and most of
all, forgiving yourself. She was going to try to forgive herself
for the last few months and all the mistakes she made. The last few
months were riddle with mistakes except for loving Trucker. She
would never believe that was a mistake. After getting kissed and
hugged by every old lady there, she collected her stuff.

“Happy New Year!” Tori jumped on her
back.

“Auld Lang sine, Julie-bug!” Tiffany handed
her a small wrapped package. “Late Christmas present.”

“Thanks.” Julie saw Dan on the church
doorsteps. “I’ve got to go, guys. Love you, miss you.”

As Julie bounced off to get her dad, Tori
noticed a pretty red sports car parked in the cemetery. Trucker was
there to get a glimpse of his angel, coming out of the church
building, glowing in all her glory. ‘
Happy New Year, my
beautiful Angel,’
silently slipped from his lip. He promised
himself that one day soon, he was going to go inside those church’s
doors with her.

******

The Diner was almost empty, but Julie and Dan
still sat at the same table as always. They sat in their customary
and safe quietness. Julie knew her dad was picturing Ellen and how
she looked on Sundays after church. Julie was remembering her times
with Trucker as well. How he made her feel and how those feelings
have only grown. They heard the bell on the door jingle and she
looked up, halfway hoping it would be Trucker.

“Jake!” It was the next best thing. Jake
walked in and straight to her table. She didn’t realize it, but she
had been on his radar long before she ever laid eyes on
Trucker.