Holding Onto You (Never Letting Go) (2 page)

Fuck
, pretty girl-I will find my way back to you. One day.

*****

“Ugh,” I moaned. My head was on fire. I slowly opened my eyes and was in a familiar place. The soft leather chairs were cool to my skin. The large windows poured sunlight into the room. There were pictures of happy times all over. Pictures of beaches and the sunset. Family and friends. “Fuck.” I knew where I was.

“How ya doing, killer?”

I looked up and saw Sarah looking at me. Fuck. “Hey,” I say weakly.
“Where’s Sophia?” Crap. What the fuck happened? Why am I here at Sophia’s?

I hear
d Sarah sigh. “She left an hour ago, babe.” Fuck again. “She, um, was a mess but she stayed here with you all night. She wanted to make sure you were okay.”

I didn’t know how to respond. Sophia took care of me and I never got the chance to say goodbye.

Sarah nudged my arm and laughed.
“Hung over much?”

I sat up on the couch and rubbed my face.
I hesitated before answering Sarah. “What happened?”

Sarah came over and sat next to me. She pulled her legs up and tucked them under her. Her mouth pursed into a smile as
she looked at me. “I guess you got really drunk and Sophia found you in your car. You hit a tree. My dad is at the shop now getting it fixed. Don’t worry, your parents don’t know.”

Why was this shit happening? “Sophia saved me?”
Everything in me broke. She put aside her hate for me and saved my life. She was there for me when I was the one who left her in the dark. I was close to the edge and was about to go overboard. I felt myself falling into the darkness and I couldn’t breathe. Her face plagued my mind and guilt set in. I was selfish and didn’t think about how my actions would affect anyone. My chest tightened and glanced down at the floor. I winced when Sarah placed her hand on mine. I didn’t deserve any kindness or anyone helping me. I was in my own hell.

Sarah nodded. “She brought you back here and made sure you were okay.
” Sarah paused, looking at me and stroking my hand. She let out an intense sigh. “You guys are idiots! Fucking Sophia’s been crying every night and screaming your name in her sleep. Dude, get your shit together!”

I took the pillow behind my back and chucked it across the room. She was right. My pretty girl was hurting and there was nothing I could do. I dropped my arms to my side and couldn’t fight back the tears. “I can’t believe I did this.” I sobbed into my hands and Sarah took me in her arms.

“Shhh, Adam. It’s going to be okay.” She rocked me back and forth while I sobbed into her chest. All the sadness was releasing from my body but it still felt as if there were a million pounds of guilt on my shoulders.

After almost an hour of sobbing and feeling sorry for
myself, Sarah looked at me and told me that I couldn’t give up. Not only couldn’t I give up but I couldn’t let Sophia go.

Within a few minutes,
Doctor Burns pulled in with my car. I got up from the couch and gave Sarah a hug. I took in a deep breath and walked outside with my hands in my pockets.

“How are you feeling, son?” Doctor Burns shut my car door and walked towards me.

“Fine. Thank you, sir. I do appreciate your help.” I felt nothing but embarrassment. Ever since Mrs. Burns died, the happiness in his eyes died too. He was always a happy and great man, but now he looked defeated and tired.

I extended my hand out and we shook hands.
“Anytime, son. Now just be careful, ya hear?”

“Understood, sir.
How much do I owe you?” I started going for my wallet but he stopped me.

“No worries, Adam.
Consider this your graduation gift.” He patted my shoulder and walked back into the house.

I turned around and gave the house one last look. Tomorrow I
would be on a plane to Boston.

“Adam, seriously, we need to get our own place. I’m so tired of living with your brother!”

Her whiney voice i
s irritating me but damn she looks hot tonight in her tight, white sleeveless dress. We’re at dinner waiting for our food and my girlfriend keeps complaining about everything.

“We’ve been together for over two years. Don’t you want to start a life with me?”

No. I want a life with Sophia.

I look at her and tr
y to remember why I’m still with her. “Kennedy,” I rub my face. “Why do you keep saying the same shit over again? We’re not moving out. I don’t want to get a house with you. You’re being a brat.”

She’s sitting
in front of me with wide eyes and her mouth drops open. I usually never yell at her and go with the flow but tonight she’s being incredibly annoying and needy. She looks away and crosses her arms across her chest. I take a sip of my beer and lean back in my chair.

We s
it there in silence while she plays with her glass of wine, not looking at me. I struggle to say something, anything to clear the tension in the air but no words came out.

“Adam, what ar
e we doing?” She softly whispers. “You still haven’t even told me you love me, do you know that?”

I sigh, she
’s right. I can’t love her because my heart is still with my pretty girl. “Kennedy, love is a big step. I don’t know what you want me to say.”

She
stares at me with her big dark eyes. There’s sadness and I know she’s ready to break down. “Never mind, just forget it.”

Before I c
an say anything, our food comes. She orders the salmon with grilled asparagus and wild rice and I order a mushroom risotto with grilled chicken topped with grilled vegetables. We eat in silence, something that’s been common for the past few months.

“I’m going out tonight with the girls.”

“Alright.”

She drop
s her fork and spoon on her plate. “Do you even care that I’m going out?”

I ta
ke another drink of my beer and glare at her. Personally, I don’t care what she does. She’s just someone I’m with, something that makes things a little easier for me. “Go have fun tonight with the girls. I have some things to look over tonight anyways.”

“Whatever, Adam.”

“Will you stop being a fucking brat? Seriously, Kennedy. What’s your deal”? She stays quiet and continues to look at her food. I grab my beer bottle again and finish the drink. “I put up with a lot of your crap but this is too much. You complain about everything I do and everything I don’t do.”

She play
s around with her food some more. “I want to feel like I have a boyfriend, Adam. Is that so hard? I haven’t even met your parents. You won’t let me in.”

I c
an’t let her in because I don’t know how to. Sophia haunts my memories and everything about her lingers in my mind. She’s in my dreams and in my thoughts. As the years progress, my feelings for her grow. I resent myself and feel alone. “I can’t.”

“What do you mean you can’t?”

“I’m damaged Kennedy. I don’t know how to love.”

She’s
across from me and doesn’t say anything else. The rest of the night is quiet as we finish eating our dinner.

I came to a stop and tried to catch my breath. I placed my hands on my head and closed my eyes.
I thought about last night with Kennedy and tried to figure out what the best thing was to do. I saw the answer dangling in front of me and it hypnotized me but I couldn’t do it. I proceeded to tell myself this was the right thing to do; to stay with Kennedy and have her leave me. I liked having her around, well sometimes, but it wasn’t fair to have her waiting for something that would never come. I refused to commit to her because my heart belonged to someone else. Even if she didn’t want me, I still needed to keep myself opened.

Everything
around me was peaceful and I felt calm. It was the first time in months where I felt like I could breathe again. I slowly opened my eyes and looked around the park and saw nothing but nature. The trees and flowers were in full bloom, full of color and brightness. There were birds flying above me and little critters roaming the grass. The June air was crisp and the sun was out. It was nice to be out here in the early morning. I turned to my right and saw two girls running. I smiled and gave them a nod.

I deeply inhaled and took a seat on the green grass. I stared out to my surroundings while taking a gulp of my cold water. After running three miles, I was dead tired, but I needed to get out of my apartment. Too much has been on my mind lately. There were countless nights I thought about Sophia, hoping she was okay. There were times when I tried searching for her on
the internet but I never finished typing her name. Something always stopped me-getting interrupted or being too scared to see what I’d find. I heavily sighed, took out my cell phone, and opened up my text messages.

Sarah: Are you ever going to come back to NC?

Me: Probably not. What’s the point?

Sarah: You are such a fucking guy. Seriously! Sophia was home last week you know?

Me: How is she doing?

Sarah: Miserable. She’s in counseling and we think
it’s working but I know she misses you. She’s been looking through her album of you guys. Wtf Adam! The least you can do is talk to her or something!

Me: And say what? Sorry I ditched you but I was young and stupid? Please Sarah-she won’t see it my way. I can’t see her. It’s
for the best.

Sarah: Adam!
Get your head out your ass and talk to her. I know you love her so don’t sit there and lie to me or yourself.

Me: I’ll always love her.

Sarah: Then get your shit together.

Me: How can I make things right?

Sarah: You need to try and you might want to try soon because she’s dating someone.

Me:
Sophia is? Who?

Sarah: His name i
s Kyle.

Reading the text messages again brought me back to the night she texted me and told me the news. I was talking with Connor when my phone vibrated. We talked and then she popped the news.
I was blinded and felt the self-loathing burn through me. My head was spinning and my body shook with anger. I fell on the couch in my living room and kept saying no in my head. Connor rushed over and took my phone. He read the messages and looked at me. He told me that I moved on and it wasn’t fair that I felt this way. I knew he was right. I had Kennedy and Sophia had Kyle but something didn’t sit right with me.

That night I tossed uneasily in bed. I was alone and Kennedy was out with her friends. I sat up on my bed and rubbed my eyes.
I never realized how much Sophia meant to me until now. Fate was an ugly and evil bitch. Why did either of us deserve this feeling? I knew it was selfish to still hold on to the past, but I hoped every day when my phone rang or vibrated that it’d be her. There were so many time I sat in my car and thought about driving back to North Carolina. I wanted to drop everything and go back to the girl who stole my heart when we were babies. The girl that understood me and made me weak with just one look in her eyes. There was an invisible force holding me back and I couldn’t break through. I missed her everyday and hoped that our paths would cross again. She was everywhere; I felt her everywhere.

Every basketball game, I imagined her sitting on the bleachers with our friends and cheering for me like she used to when we were in high school.
Before the start of each game, I looked up at the bleachers in hopes I’d see her face but she was never there. Flashes of her smile and waving at me played through my head. I imaged her cheering for me and each shot I made was for her.

Every time I ate a bologna sandwich, I imagined her standing in the kitchen laughing and being carefree. Bologna sandwiches were our favorite. I put my head down and wondered if she thought about me the way I thought about her. I hoped she missed me and I knew I was a mess without her. I wanted to be the person she knew I could be and I tried to be a great person-someone
she would be proud of- but did it even matter?

I rubbed my face and pictured my Sophia. God if only I could just turn back time
and went after her that night. Shaking my head, I got up from the grass, stretched out my body, and started walking. I took out my iPhone and switched the music to some Luke Bryan. Country music always cleared my mind and gave me the boost I needed. The loud music drowned out my guilt and I needed to hear the music to stop hearing Sophia’s voice in my head. I breathed in and out then started my run again. I kept a steady pace and felt the sweat pouring down my face and body.

Running was my escape. It helped me and cleared my mind from all the bullshit. I was addicted to working out and staying fit. I let out all of my frustration and anger-I had a lot of it. Instead of getting wasted every night, I went to the gym and worked out. I did everything from cardio, lifting, basketball, and boxing. I was captain of the basketball team at my college. The guys were great; we were like a family. Connor was by my side-my co-captain. Being on the team with these guys for the past three years had been good. Life itself had been good, for the most part. I had a hot girlfriend, Kennedy Page, and she loved me with her whole heart, but she wasn’t my Sophia; my pretty girl.

Kennedy Page. We met in class two years ago. I took her out on a few dates and then we became official. She was pretty. Curvy body with long, jet black hair. Her eyes were nice; big and dark brown eyes. She moved in with Connor and I six months ago. Things were okay. She thought we were getting serious but I couldn’t love her. I liked her and she was a good fuck. She was sweet and funny but that was it. She hated sports and only came to my games to be the supportive girlfriend, but she still failed in that category. She was arm candy for the most part. She loved the gifts and trips we took, but everything was material to her. The blazing passion was strictly physical. Mother never met her although I mentioned her a few times. She wasn’t interested in meeting Kennedy because to Mother, Sophia was the only one who should have been in my life.

I finished up my run and went back home.
I swiped my card to get in the building and took the stairs to the fifth floor. 552 was our apartment number. It was a nice two-bedroom apartment. It had a big kitchen and living room. We had a fifty-five inch flat screen mounted to the wall with speakers mounted in the corners of the room. Mother insisted on adding her own touches to our place and whatever Mother wanted, Mother got. She ordered us a new leather couch and loveseat with a glass coffee table. The walls were painted beige but our bedrooms were left white. The walls were plastered with pictures of family and friends. There was a picture of my family and Sophia’s hanging and I loved that picture. We were smiling and in great spirits. It felt like home but something was missing-well more like
someone.

I unlocked the door
, took a deep breath, and went inside. No one was up yet. I looked at my watch, seven ten in the morning. Damn it was early. I opened the glass door and walked onto the balcony. Boston was great and we loved living here, but everything still felt foreign, as if I didn’t belong here. I took one last look at the morning sky and went back inside. I paused in the living room before going to my room. I started to feel sick and grabbed a bottle of water from the kitchen but that didn’t make me feel better. The sickness burned in my chest and I knew that familiar burn. It was guilt. Guilt that I had to spend another day with Kennedy; a girl who deserved more than what I could give her.

I went into my bedroom and saw Kennedy sleeping. I looked at her but I didn’t see her.
I saw a girl sleeping on my bed that wanted my heart and love and stayed with me in hopes I’d give her what she wanted.

I looked around the room and saw the past two years of my life.
There were pictures of us on the nightstand and the dresser. The pictures captured her happiness but there was a shadow over my face. I was hopeless and nothing was going to change. I tried looking for the girl that took my mind off Sophia but that was temporarily and now she was another girl who took up time in my life. She was my escape from reality. She made me forget about my pain and ache that I still felt in my heart.

Kennedy and I
didn’t have anything in common and I went along with whatever she wanted. At the end of the day, she was a body that kept me satisfied and I didn’t feel so alone. I shook my head and grabbed my things. I sat on the toilet seat and took out my wallet from my pocket. I kept Sophia’s senior picture and I looked at it every chance I got. Seeing her smile shook my whole body and I wondered if she was happy with her life and Kyle. It killed me knowing that he was the one holding her when it was supposed to be me who held her while she cried and who made her laugh. It wasn’t fair that I hated this guy and wished she were still single, but it broke me knowing someone else was loving her. I wondered if he treated her well, the way she deserved to be treated. I wondered if he held the door for her or made her laugh. I wondered if he dried her tears when she’d cry to Disney movies, especially
Beauty and the Beast.
I hoped and prayed she was happy and being taken care of because if she wasn’t, I’d fucking kill him.