Holding Onto You (Never Letting Go) (4 page)

“Bye,” Sarah and I both said.

Sarah put her arm around my shoulders. “So, Sophia know you’re back?”

A shiver went down my body. How would I tell her? I let out a sigh, “I don’t know. Maybe I’ll see her on campus, you know? I just don’t want to freak her out or anything.”

“Ugh, you’re such a dork! I don’t know why you two are so freaking stubborn.”

I looked away. She was right. How could Sophia and I
let everything go? Oh yes, I knew. I was the idiot who didn’t go after her.

“Come on. You can buy me drinks tonight.”

Sarah grabbed my hand and we walked to
Oscar’s.

We got to the bar and sat in a booth. One of the girls I went to high school with came over and greeted us. “Oh
my gosh! Adam! Hi!” She smiled at me and looked happy to see me.

“Hey Julie.
What’s up?” I looked at Sarah and then back at her.

“Oh nothing, just working.”
She looked at Sarah and her eye brows rose. “So,” she pointed at the both of us. “Are you two together now?”

“No!” We both said.

“Oh okay. I was wondering because I figured you’d be with Sophia and married by now since you guys were like always together.”

I ran my hand through my hair. “I um haven’t talked to her in a few years.”

“Oh.” Her voice went up a notch and she smiled again. “Well, if you’re still in town give me a call or something.” She reached over and touched my arm. “It’ll be so fun hearing about what you’ve been up to.” She winked and let me go. “So what can I get ya’ll?”

“Two beers please.”
Sarah quickly answered.

“Alright, be right back.” She turned around and it looked like she was skipping away.

I leaned my head back against the booth. “Why me?”

Sarah touched my arm. “Oh
my gosh Adam! Let’s get together.” She joked.

“Funny.”
Julie came and brought us our drinks and smiled again at me. After she walked away, I turned and looked at Sarah again. “Do me a favor?”

“What’s up?” She picked up her glass and drank her beer.

“Whatever you do, don’t tell Soph I’m back. Not yet.” I picked up my glass and drank my beer. The cold brew tasted good and I needed a drink or two. “Leave it up to me.”

“Alright, deal.”

             
Mission: try to come back to Sophia’s life without freaking her out. This should be fun.

Back in my room, I laid on my bed and thought about Sophia. I wondered what she was doing and how she was doing. Sarah told me more about Sophia and it ate away at me. She was still hurting and felt alone. I wanted to drive to school to find her and let her know I was back but was that what she wanted? I wasn’t sure if going to the same college as Sophia would be a good thing but Sarah smiled and told me to stop worrying. Since I told Sarah not to tell Sophia I was back, I couldn’t figure out another way to let her know.

While hanging out with Sarah, she
helped me heal and made me forget about some of the pain. The drinking was a plus but I wanted to be careful. After a few beers, we left the bar and walked back. It was good to catch up with her and see how she was doing. If only I came home sooner than I would have seen Sophia. I bit the inside of my mouth and punched my pillows. I was pissed and once the realization hit that I missed my chance again, anger rushed all through my body. I squeezed my eyes shut and laid back down on my bed. When was I going to get my chance? All these years I could’ve told her I loved her but I never did. I never thought I would’ve met my soul mate when I was a baby. No other girl mattered except for her. A lump lodged in my throat and I fought back the tears. My body was on fire but I felt numb.

Mother came back home after being with Father in the hospital and made us dinner. While we were helping her with the cooking, she told me more about Sophia. She didn’t stay long over vacation here because it was hard for her. Mother said Sophia always had a sad look in her eyes when they talked. She never asked about me, but Mother would let Sophia know I was okay. I took out my phone and thought about calling her, even texting her.

While Connor and I were eating dinner with Mother, she told us her plans and everything she settled while at the hospital with Father. She talked to the dean at the university and got Connor and I into the fall classes without any problems. Guess money did talk. She went on and told us that she found us an off campus apartment that was close to the university and we didn’t have to drive. Connor and I were going to be home for another week before moving into an apartment. After dinner, Mother gave us both a kiss and went back to the hospital. We cleaned up the kitchen and Connor remained quiet. I knew he was still worried and needed space so I gave it to him. I patted his shoulder and went back upstairs to my old room. I went inside and saw Sophia on my bed. She was wearing a yellow sundress and looked beautiful. She was sitting upright on my bed and had her legs out in front of her. She waved at me and smiled then she disappeared. I stood at the doorway and blinked several times. Great, now I was imagining her. I closed my door and got on my bed.

Looking out the opened window, I started feeling better.
The June air flowed through my room and it brought in something familiar and indulged me to feel relaxed. I got my laptop and turned it on. I opened up FaceNet and typed in Sophia’s name but didn’t press enter. This was the furthest I came to looking her profile up. I scrolled through my friends’ status but got bored and set my laptop aside. I laid on my side and there was a picture of us on my nightstand. I picked up the frame and stared into her stunning blue eyes. Those eyes always made me smile. She was my safe place. Whenever I looked into her eyes, there was a sense of security and feeling loved. I knew she wanted me the way I wanted her but neither of us did anything about it. Maybe now that I was back there was a chance for us again.

I exhaled a difficult breath and closed my eyes. Sophia played in my head.
Her smile. Her laugh. How she touched my face and made a face when she smelled or ate something bad.

“Fuck,” I mumbled. Was it too late?

Connor came into my room and told me to get ready. “Come on let’s get out. First night back and I need a drink.”

I got up from my bed. “Yeah
, let’s go.” Round two tonight.

When we got to
Oscar’s
, the whole crowd went wild. They called us double trouble because on the court we lit it up. Connor and I took the team to state and we won every year. It was good to see everyone. We met up with the group and all talked about what we’ve been up to. The owner of the bar, Oscar, announced that everything was on the house for Connor and I. The town was crazy over basketball. It’s what they all lived for.

“Man, I saw that game ya’ll
played in against Michigan. Adam your dunks were on point. Connor what’s up with your three points? Damn. Swish each time.”

We slapped up Wade and laughed. Wade was on our team throughout high school but senior year was rough for him. He ended up getting a girl pregnant and had to give up his dream to become a dad. “Best mistake I ever made boys.” He pulled out a picture of his little girl. “This is my prize. Ella Mae Parker.” We looked at her picture. Her bright hazel eyes and chubby cheeks were beautiful.

“She’s gorgeous, Wade. Congratulations,” I said. “How’s Lorraine doing?”

“She’s good. We’ve been married for three years now. She’s finishing up nursing school and my garage is all set up. Life is good
fellas.”

Connor lifted up his glass. “Here’s to the good life boys.”

We all lifted our glass and cheered.

Clink
.

After a few hours Connor and I decided it was time to head back. Steven was waiting for us when we got out. We weren’t drunk by any means but we never drove when we had drinks. It was stupid to drink and drive regardless
of how much we had.

“
Steven ,can you take us to the hospital? I just want to see how Father’s doing.”

I looked at the time. “Connor, it’s almost three in the morning.”

He looked at me with cloudy eyes. “I just want to make sure he’s alright.”

“Okay. Steven, let’s head over there.”

We got to the hospital within a few minutes and walked in. The nurses on his floor were hesitant about letting us in but when they saw how sad Connor was they agreed.

“Just be really quiet boys and only for a few minutes,” she whispered.

We sat down next to him and watched him sleep. After a little bit, Father opened his eyes. “Boys?” He sleepily said.

“Hey Father. We just wanted to make sure you were okay,” Connor said taking his hand.

Father looked at the both of us. “I have missed you two so much,” he cried, “I’m sorry this was the reason why you came back but I’m glad you’re both here. To have both my boys here means the world to me.”

I lower
ed my head. We didn’t come back to visit like we should have. Guilt took over. Why was I always making these idiot choices? We should have come back. “I’m sorry, Father. You’re right, we should have come to visit.”

“It’s okay boys. You’re here now and that is the most important thing.”

After seeing Father in the hospital, Connor and I were dropped off by Steven. Connor went to his room and I went outside on the deck with a beer bottle. I twisted the cap off and tossed the cap to the side. I leaned against the railing and drank my beer. It was a quiet and warm night. The night skies soothed me and always helped me find a better perspective of life and Sophia. Mother and Connor were sleeping and I felt alone again. I felt broken and anger. I was drowning again and needed Sophia to rescue me. My vision blurred as I thought of Sophia again. I drank more of my beer and sat back down on the chair. I let the quietness of the night take me away and hoped it would take me to Sophia where I could tell her how much I loved her and wanted her to fall asleep in my arms and hold her tight. I was still holding onto her and I never wanted to let her go even if it meant feeling this way forever.

Two weeks passed and Father was home. We went back and
helped him get adjusted, it was tough because he was being stubborn but he finally understood why he needed help. Driving back and forth from home and our new apartment wasn’t bad. We usually got there within forty-five minutes. It was good having him home and he was adjusting well but every time he tried to go to work or anything strenuous, Mother yelled at him and he stopped what he was doing. He wasn’t allowed to do too much except walk around the neighborhood and take it easy. Connor and I met with him while we went to visit and he taught us a few things about the company. It was easy to catch on and he was still going to be around if we needed him. It was an honor to take over the company but we were both scared and unsure of ourselves. Mother told us that this was their dream; for Connor and I to take over so they could retire and travel the world. We wanted to make them proud and that was what we were going to do.

Mother helped Connor and I with the move into our new apartment and it was nicely set up. It was comfortable and big enough for us both. Mother decorated the apartment and said that it needed class and elegance. She spent well over ten thousand on the crap. The furniture was new and we had a fifty-five-inch flat screen mounted on the wall with a brand new sound system from BOSE. She convinced our landlord to have the kitchen renovated, but he gave her attitude and no one gives Mother
attitude. So the kitchen got redone with state of the art stove, stink, counter, drawers, cabinets, and a steel refrigerator. An island was added in the kitchen with four chairs. The kitchen table was black and round. We insisted on only getting two chairs instead of four since it was just Connor and I, but Mother insisted four looked better and gave us a wink. She desperately wanted us to get girlfriends.

The paint was redone to
a warm beige. Our rooms were painted as well. Connor’s room was green and mine was blue. Like I said, Mother didn’t care how much she spent as long as everything was nice and perfect. The apartment looked good and it was nice to come back to it every day. Another great thing about the apartment was the balcony that looked over the park near our place. It was nice to walk out there and forget about the rest of the world.

Optimax
was twenty minutes away from our apartment and we had been spending countless hours there to set a plan in motion. Connor and I were busy meeting with Joseph, one of the CEO’s of the company, figuring out the transitions and getting caught up. During one of the meetings, I looked through the files Joseph had out in front of me and noticed a file with the university’s name. I got the file and flipped through the pages. There was an internship at the university and Sophia’s name popped up. Holy shit, this was it. This was how I would get her back in my life.

“Joseph, how is Sophia doing?” I asked looking at the list. I couldn’t take my eyes off her name.

Joseph looked up from his pile of files and looked at me. “She’s brilliant. Always on time and knows much about business. She is doing well. I think she deserves a spot on the team but only if I can break down her guard and get to open up more.” I looked at Joseph and saw him rubbing the back of his head. “She definitely has it in her to be successful but we need someone who can talk the talk and walk the walk. I don’t know if she has it in her.”

I stood up from my chair and clenched my fists. Who the fuck was this prick talking about her in that way? Sophia was
perfect
in every way. “Joseph, Sophia will get selected to work for Optimax. No questions asked. I don’t care what you have to do but
she
will be selected. I don’t care what it takes. She’s perfect for the company. We can open her up. You said it yourself, she deserves a spot on the team.” Before Joseph answered, I turned around and walked out of the conference room. I rushed out of the building and walked to a nearby park. I got away from work and kept walking. Everything was rushing through my mind. The possibilities of having Sophia back warmed my heart. I had to come up with a great plan and this had to work. I needed to clear my head so I could come up with a flawless plan. I wondered how it’d be to have Sophia working at Optimax and seeing her every day. I smiled thinking about the possibilities of being near her again. My plan had to work. I needed her back in my life. I continued walking and wasn’t paying attention to anyone.

              “Erin, come on! We have two more miles until we can walk. I told you not to get drunk last night!” That voice. I turned around and looked all over. “Erin, seriously girl!” That laugh. Suddenly I felt her near.

Sophia.

“Shit,” I muttered. I couldn’t let her see me. I hurried behind the tree and watched as she ran towards my direction. Her blonde hair was tied in a ponytail. She was wearing black shorts and a pink tank top. Her smile and her laugh. She was happy again and looked like the old Sophia before the darkness took over her body. I swear it felt as if I was dreaming but I wasn’t. Sophia was here and she was near me. I kept looking at her and couldn’t take my eyes off her fit body. Damn, she was fucking hot. Her long lean legs were toned and she looked great. Her perky ass was still tight and I thought about grabbing her ass and lifting her up so her legs wrapped around my waist. I wanted to feel her hands all over me and to hear her tell me how much she missed me too. I couldn’t take my eyes off her.

There was something about seeing her again that made everything clear.
She sparked my light and brought me back to life. I was able to breathe and I felt at home. She was my pretty girl and we were finally close to each other. I smiled and thought about what it’d be like to have her see me. Sophia was my lifeline and I needed her to keep me alive.

This was my chance to make things right again. I needed to show her I was perfect for her and she was perfect for me.
Her gorgeous body stuck with me and I imagined her in my arms and taking her away with me. She stopped by a bench with her friend and started laughing again. I watched her every move and felt her passion and fire. She was back; my Sophia that I fell in love with all those years ago. I was about to go up to her but then a hand pulled me back.

“
Pervy much?”

I turned around and Connor was standing behind me eating an apple. “Sophia.”

Connor looked over and stopped chewing. “Sophia.”

We both stood there in silence and watched our best friend, my only love, passing us by. We didn’t say anything.

*****

“What are you thinking?” Connor asked. It had been a few hours and I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I
finally got the courage and looked up her page on FaceNet. Her profile wasn’t private and I was able to look through her comments and pictures. She seemed happy and upbeat. There was one status that caught my eye.

             
Life is tricky. It does things that make you wonder. It always throws curve balls but it takes strength and love to be able to get through the disasters. The simple words and actions of others can make a difference between life and death. Sometimes it’s hard to feel love, but it’s always there. The love of a parent, a sibling or a friend is there but the darkness has a way of hiding these feelings that people yearn for.

Darkness. What a funny word that carries such evilness and fear. It takes a strong person to overcome darkness who is able to see past it and reach for the light. The light can be anyone or anything.

Walking away from my light is the one decision I regret the most. I didn’t want to walk away but leaving him behind was the best thing to do. It’s been over four years and I still think about him all the time.

My mouth dropped. She was talking about me. Sophia still thought about me and I read her status over and over again. There was the hint of hope I needed to get her back. I clicked around more on her profile and looked through her pictures. There was a lot with the girl she was running with. “She’s hot. Bet you feel stupid,” he laughed.

“Don’t remind me.” I clicked through her pictures. There were some of her out with friends and some
selfies but then I clicked on the last few pictures. “What the fuck?” Connor got off my bed and walked over to me. I pointed at the picture. It was Sophia with her douche bag looking boyfriend. I’ve seen a picture of them and knew about him but there was something about the pictures she had posted that killed me. He had his hands through hers and his body was connected with hers.  

“Oh shit.”

I slammed the laptop shut and stormed out of my room. Fuck it. Fuck this shit. I grabbed my sneakers and ran out the door.
I started running and filled my lungs with the night air. This was my escape and only time I felt something. The only time I experienced being alive was when I worked out or when I was with Sophia. I fought back the fear that Sophia wouldn’t come back to me. Was I reaching for the stars?

I turned left and ran down the street.
Everything felt distant and unfamiliar. I wasn’t sure where I was running but I knew I had to get out and clear my fucking head. That picture was glued in my head but something was wrong. Sophia looked happy, but I knew that smile. That was her polite smile. I stopped running to catch my breath. I faced the night air and closed my eyes. Sophia wasn’t happy with that fool. I slowly opened my eyes and saw Doctor Burns running my way.

              “Adam?” He asked while taking out his ear buds. “Son?”

We shook hands and he started laughing, “When did you get back? Your mother said you boys were coming but I haven’t gotten a chance to talk to her. I’ve been up with Sophia.” His voice trailed off. “So how are you?”

“I’m alright sir. What are you doing out here?”

“I just finished having dinner with Sophia.” He looked at me and it seemed he was waiting for me to say something.

“Oh, how was dinner?” I asked, putting my hands in my shorts.

“It was good. Have you gotten a chance to talk to her?”

“I haven’t talked to Sophia but I will once I start classes. Connor and I got accepted so we’ll be with her again.” A smile came across his face. “Hey, do you know Sophia’s boyfriend?”

Doctor Burns shook his head.
“Yeah. Kyle. He’s a character. I’m not a fan and I think Sophia is with him to be with him but who knows. Let’s go for a run, son. We have four years to catch up on.”

We made our way to the diner and talked about life and what was going on. He told me about his trips to Africa and Asia-taking part in doctors without borders. He and his team went to countries and helped kids with the surgeries needed to live a full life. Everything was done with donations from the hospital and throwing events, which Mother was part of. Our community was
friendly and always wanted to lend a helping hand. He went on and told me more about Sophia. When I asked him how she was doing, he paused, took a drink of his coffee, and told me that she was sad. He stated that he was glad I was back and maybe when Sophia saw me she too would be happy again.

I told him about school and Boston. It was nice to let him know how I was doing and to hear more about Sophia. Doctor Burns paid for our dinner and we walked out together. I saw two boys and a girl walking towards us. The girl was in the middle and they were laughing and smiling. The boy on her right had his arm around her, while the boy on her left walked a little bit ahead and it seemed as though he was protecting them.
Their shield for the ugly world. That was how Connor, Sophia, and I were-just like that. Doctor Burns saw what I saw and we both watched the three friends walk past us and heard their laughter as they continued walking down the sidewalk.