Holding On (9 page)

“
Enough!” Shame shouts at
Hem.

“
I don't know anything
about this, you don’t believe me though.  If I did know Hem, I
would have questioned Greyson and Dad.  This could be just a
matter of circumstance.”  More anger coming my way.

“
God you're either
incredibly stupid or just naive.  Either way, I don't care.
  Switch had Hood kill Doc.  We know it, everyone
fucking knows it and there’s your man and your dad sitting there
with him like long lost friends having a cup of fucking English
Goddamn Tea!  Never thought I would see the day your dear old
Dad was playing for the other team, a dirty MC.  All the years
of torment I had to endure from that man about decisions I made to
become what I am, with Doc.  Doc loved me, Mace.  Doc was
the father I searched my whole miserable fucking life for. He meant
everything to me.  He was taken all because he was defending
the right to run a clean Club and now I see your father and your
fiancé engaged in some chit chat with him.  Nothing good comes
of this.  Not a Goddamn thing.”

“
I’m sorry Hem but I can’t
explain what I don’t know.”  My eyes are welling with unshed
tears and all the spectators have left the room, thank hell.
 I can hear Gunner shuffling behind me though.  He’s
standing next to Shame now.  

Hem gets up from his seat at the bar,
walks toward me with purpose.  Shame immediately steps in
front of me and pushes Hem’s chest.

“
Brother, walk away.
 Do not do this.  You don’t know shit, only seen the
pictures and we do not know the circumstance.  Mace is right,
I believe her.  She doesn’t know anything.  Walk away and
we will talk about it later when you have cooled.”

Hem is so angry at me.  “Are you
fucking her too?  She yield some magic pussy?  Because
you of all people Shame should be just as livid about this as I am.
 This has everything to do with her!”  Hems face is now
wrinkled in anger at both Shame and I.

“
Shut the fuck up, man.
 You’re angry and you are hurting her.  Get the fuck out
of here and calm the fuck down before you say something that you
can’t take back, if you haven’t already.”  

Shame gives him a small shove in his
chest and a nod, I can see his jaw clenching in anticipation of
going head to head with Hem.  That thought really does scare
the shit of out me.

Gunner tugs on the back of Hems cut
then pats his shoulder to pull him out of his angry state.
 Gunner still scowling at me, but at least he’s calming
Hurricane Hem.  I am thankful for him right now, scowl or
not.

Hem backs away with his hands up in
disgust and surrender.  “We aren’t done talking, Sis.
 This isn’t over.  Gunner, let’s ride.”  Gunner
follows him like a puppy dog looking for his next chew toy.
 

They call him Gunner cause he insists
on riding in the back of the riding chain as the tail gunner, but
looking at him now, he not only rides behind them, he friggin’
follows them in every aspect.  Haven’t ever really had a
conversation with the man, but seeing that he hates me now I won’t
have to worry about him and I catching up later to talk about the
weather.

After Hem walks out of the
room, Shame turns to me.  Touching my face, shoulders, and
back.  Again, always checking to see that I’m alright.
“I’m okay Shame,
I’m fine.  Nothing a few hateful words from my brother to just
make my day brighter.”  The tears that I have been holding
start to fall and Shame swipes them with his thumb.

“
You can’t go back to him
now, Mace.  You know this right?”  He’s looking at me
questioning what my answer to this will be.

“
Yes, I do have to go
back.  There are things left unsaid between him and me.
 I owe him an explanation and he owes me one for these
pictures, as well as his reaction yesterday.  I can’t just
never go back there.  He’s my finance.  I love
him.”

I do, don’t I?  Even after seeing
the pictures there, scattered on the floor, I can’t convict him
without further evidence he’s dealing with the Angels.  Can I?
 I’m so confused.

“
If you’re going back, I’m
going with you.  You are not his, not after what happened last
night.  You’re not going back to belonging to him, Mace.
 It is not happening.  I can’t send my kid sister into
that place knowing the anger he has for Hem and I, he has anger for
you too Mace, a fuck of a lot of it.  You saw his face
yesterday; you know the fucking fury that was coming off of him.
 This may blow over kid, but until it does and we have a
logical explanation about these pictures you are staying here, with
me.”

“
Your kid sister” I mumble
not thinking he can hear it.

“
Your kid sister?” I
repeat in my snarky tone. Well good, now I’m finding my voice
again.

Shame whips his head
around to me, starts to speak, and then closes his mouth.
 Good option, pal.  

“
You don’t get to put your
tongue in my mouth then call me your sister a handful of days
later.  I’m either your sister or I’m not Shame.”

“
Stop, just wait.  I
didn’t mean it like that.  I was saying…I…”  He’s trying
hard compose himself and not stutter.

“
Saying
what exactly? You still view me as a child don’t you?  You
still think of me as that sad little girl from prom, poor poor
Mace. Her date cancelled last minute so you felt sorry for me and
carried me away and saved the day.  I don’t need
saving
, Shame.  I
may not know exactly what I need or who I need, but it’s not you!”
 

We are standing alone in the common
area of the compound and after Hem’s reaction to my presence this
morning I really just want to leave, not sit here with Mr. Mood
Swing and dwell on heartbreaking memories of the former sap,
teenage Mace.

“
Hem, he really didn’t
tell you did he?”  He’s smirking now and it adds to my
exasperation.  That damn lip ring staring at me
again.

“
I really thought after
all these years he would have told you about it, that night I mean.
 He was so pissed at what I had done, yet the man still kept
his word and didn’t tell you, even all these years later.
 That’s funny.  All this time, you never found out about
that night of your Junior Prom.”  He’s chuckling now and I’m
growing impatient.

“
Tell me
what?  No idea what you’re talking about now.  You’re all
over the place,
big
brother
.”  That’s right, take my jab.
 Tit for Goddamn tat big guy.

His face grows serious
after my brother comment. He’s nearly sneering at me, “Your date
cancelled, yes he sure did.  He cancelled because I scared the
little shit.  Told him he lost his date to prom and not only
had he lost his date, he wasn’t going to the dance at all.  He
was going to sit his ass at home that night, alone.  Saw him
at the corner store in town; there was an opportunity so I took it.
 Poor guy literally pissed himself in front of me but lucky
him, he got the message I was sending and being that I was not
vague about his outcome if he didn’t do exactly what I told him, it
was good damn thing he heard me.  I was your date from the
start, Sweetheart.  Sick though it may be, I was not going to
let anyone touch you, no one
but
me
.”

My head is spinning.  All my
young life I had longed to be with Shame.  Too young to
identify exactly in what way I wanted to be with him, but I just
knew I did.

“
You meant to take me to
my prom from the beginning? Why not just tell me that back then
Shame?”

“
Cause I was a 28 year old
grown man, Mace.  You were a 16 year old kid.  Bad enough
that I knew I wanted you then, but to admit it out loud in front of
God and everyone, fuck no.  Fuck no!  But no way was I
leaving you to a pimple face punk to get inside you and not even
know what the fuck he was going to do to you once he got there.
 Fuck. No.”

“
What does this mean,
Shame?  I’m still like a little sister to you, you just said
so yourself.  All of my life I have been a kid to you.
 Then you kissed me, and I thought I was confused about that,
but now I’m really confused!”  I’m baiting him, not cool, but
it is what it is as he likes to say.

“
You are mine.
 You’ve been mine since you took those training wheels off
that pink bike of yours and fell at my feet.  Never even
cried, you didn’t.  Just sat on my lap trusting that I had
you.  Well I have you now, baby.  You’re grown up, you’re
a woman, and you’re mine.  Mine.  You can take some time
to come to terms with this, but you will be wasting it.
 Greyson needs to go the fuck away.  He’s not fucking
touching you again, nothing touches what is mine and I’m telling
you right now that’s what you are.”

Both his hands fold onto my face,
grabbing me and pulling me towards his he softens at the touch,
leaning his forehead onto mine.

“
Say something,
Sweetheart.  Please say something, anything.” He’s
pleading.

Before I can muster another thought he
leans in and sucks my bottom lip gently.  He’s waiting for my
response, verbal or otherwise but I’m lost in his scent and touch.
 All the last weeks’ emotions are whirling into my head.
 My mom dying, Grayson’s laying there bloodied at the hands of
Shame, the pictures of Warren and Greyson’s betrayal, and Hem being
so angry at me.  The man I crushed on as a child, lusted after
as a teenager, and loved as an adult just told me I am his.
 It’s poetic, almost.  Some of the most beautiful poems
are about heartache though, right?

“
I need to talk to
Greyson, get this settled.  I can’t think about anything else
until it is.  I owe him that.  Two years we have been
together and I won’t treat him like he meant nothing.  I’m
sorry if this hurts you, but you’re springing this on me without
time to process, you want me to say something, I just don’t have
anything to say except Thank you.  Thank you for being a part
of my life and loving me enough to trust me with how you feel.
 I just need a few days to process and talk to Greyson, okay?
 He won’t hurt me Shame.  If for no other reason than the
threat of you and Hem, he won’t put a finger on me.”

I’m trying to soothe him but I know
Shame and delayed gratification doesn’t suit him.  If I’m
being honest with myself, I’m not sure what Grayson’s reaction will
be when he sees me again after all that happened.  I can say
that given enough anger he could hurt me, but it wouldn’t be
intentional.  I’m not trying to make excuses for him in my
head because I don’t have to, Greyson is a soft man that loves me.
 Even through all his madness yesterday, I know he still loves
me.

Instantly Shame drops his hands to his
sides and steps away from me.  I feel the loss immediately and
I whimper a bit to myself at the loss.

“
That fucking word out of
your mouth again.  Jesus woman, I show you a glimpse of how I
feel at the party weeks ago, and I get that name thrown at me.
 I pour my fucking heart out to you now, after all these years
of watching you grow up making mistake after mistake with men you
hardly know.. and all I ask is for you to say something in regard
to how I feel and all I get is that fucking name at me again.
 Fuck it, Mace.  Fuck. It. All.  I never said
anything to you.  Forget what you just heard.  Go find
Greyson. Be happy with him but stay the fuck away from me.
 You want him, good.  Maybe you two do really deserve
each other.”

Without another word, Shame turns and
strides from the room.  Every single person I love right now
no longer trusts me.  This is the loneliest feeling in the
world.  I take five minutes, standing up straight, and I cry.
 I cry for all that I’m losing and don’t know how to fix.
 I want to talk to Sadey because right now Oreos and tears
sound like a perfect way out.

*****

Few hours later, I’m gathering my
things from Greyson’s.  He wasn’t home when I pulled up.
 I have to wonder now where he is, if he is with Hood again or
my dad.  I still can’t fathom my dad and Greyson betraying all
trust that I have in them, but being that I didn’t see Shame and
his feelings for me clearly, I should be second guessing all of my
gut instincts.  

I hear the front door open,
I jump momentarily still shaking from the week’s events.
  I can hear Greyson in the foyer talking, but I can’t
hear anyone else in the room, he must be on his phone.
  
“No I told you before, I have it handled.  She will be
handled.  Sir, just give me a chance to rectify it and I will
let you know when all is clear of this mess.”  He states
quickly.

What the hell?  This doesn’t
sound like work.   Putting down my bag I walk towards the
foyer, still waiting to hear more of the conversation but when I
round the corner from the hallway all I see is Greyson’s back and I
hear the snap of his blackberry as he ends the call abruptly.
 From the back of him I can see him hang his head.  He’s
running his hands through his golden hair as if he’s upset and
frustrated.  I don’t know what to say so I just stand there.
Surely he knows I’m here because my car is parked outside in front
of the condo.  He makes a move to turn around, head still
hanging down.

When he starts to gain
momentum he looks up, and directly into my eyes.  My eyes
glance at his face then quickly I have to look away.  Oh my
god, he’s so beaten.  His left eye is swollen shut and he has
tape above the right that appears to be holding the stitches in
place. His nose is black and blue.  His hand is covered in
bandage and appears blood has bled through.  So many wounds
that it’s hard to tell when they happened.  From what I
understand in my brief and angry discussion with Hem, he had paid
him another visit the day after Shame finished with him so the
wounds could be from either.  I feel like I’m going to be
sick.  For once, I am totally ashamed of the men in my life.
 They have taken so much anger out on Greyson and beat him
severely; his only offense was that he used words to hurt me.
 Those words hurt, yes.  Emotionally though, I can
recover knowing what he said was out of anger and that anger was
born of his love for me and seeing me with Shame triggered it.
 However, what
they
have done to Greyson hurts me so much
more.