Holding On (11 page)

Sadey looks away, but he grabs her
face with his hands and points her chin so she’s forced to be face
to face with him.

“
Answer
me,
now
.”
 Yep, he’s pissed.  Really pissed.

“
Y-Y-YES OKAY!  I’m a
living, breathing, walking, anomaly dammit.  I’m a virgin.
 I haven’t fucked, my cherry is intact, and I’m fresh….”
 She tries to continue but Ace roars.

“
FUCK!  What the FUCK
are you doing with me then?  DAMMIT!  I’m not taking
something from you that you still have, and apparently at your age
you mean to still have.  How could you even keep this from me?
 You knew where things were headed before Little Miss Sassy
shows up and stops our....  Dammit woman, what is wrong with
you?  FUCK!”  

Swallowing my snarky comment that I’m
about to unleash at him for his obvious insult into my intrusion I
just grab Sadey by the arm and pull her to me before stepping nose
to nose with Ace.  

“
Well
you stupid dumbass, maybe since you fuck so many women or because
you are just plain stupid, you should provide a questionnaire
before fucking anything that walks!  Let’s see, you could ask
them about STD’s, if they enjoy ass play, if they
have ever been with a man!
”  

“
DAMMIT!” is all he says
before storming off towards the Club.

“
Sade, I’m sorry.  I
didn’t mean to....”  

I’m interrupted by her fury, I’ve
earned it.  I deserve it.  The look on her face tells me
she’s not going to hold back either.  

“
Who. The. Fuck. Are. You?
 I don’t even know you anymore.  You have zero right to
tell me how to run MY LIFE when you only run from your own!
 You are a blind woman.  Seriously fucking lost.
 Let’s see, or let’s NOT see in your case, but I will help
spell this shit out for you.  Hem is pissed at you, Shame
doesn’t even acknowledge your existence anymore, Greyson calls you
a whore but yet rather than dump his sorry uptight ass, and you
just want “space”.  Are you fucking kidding me that you think
with all your shit you have time to meddle in mine?  News
flash, friend... being a raving bitch to those you love is NOT A
GOOD COLOR ON YOU!”

She spins and walks away but not
before I lose my footing and sit on the hood of her car.
 She’s right.  I know she’s right but all I have done is
to keep those that I love happy and protected and in doing so I’ve
left my heart without guard and its breaking.  I’m so busy
protecting those I care about, who is protecting me?

I still need to talk to Hem.  My
pity party for one has to wait.  I came here with a purpose
and although side tracked, I need to talk to Hem.  Adding
another name to those that I love and that are angry at me only
brings me more resolve.  I need my glue.  Talking to no
one, I sigh. “Please let him be sober and willing to listen to me,
please.”

Walking through the door I am
immediately assaulted by the familiar scent of smoke and sex.
 I chuckle out loud to myself wondering what Greyson would
think of this scene.  Although I’ve been around this life
since I was eight or so, I still need to take pause to gather
myself before looking for Hem.

I don’t see him anywhere yet.  I
do however find Ace.  He’s standing behind the bar serving
himself a line of shots.  “I didn’t peg you as a guy who
sulks, Ace”.  

“
Fuck you, Princess” he
hisses sarcastically at me knowing full well that the nickname
pisses me off and he says it while he downs another shot of
whiskey.  He doesn’t even let go of the bottle before pouring
another.  

“
Well, I did you a favor
ya know.  You would have fucked her and broken her and then
Hem would have beat your ass or put you in the ground.  You
should be thanking me you Jackass, but just carry on with the
drink, yeah?  It suits you.”

I say no more, just walk away leaving
him with his anger and regret.

Leaving Ace to wallow in his sty, and
it is not lost on me that I compare him to the pig he is, I walk
into the main common room.  Vast arrays of flesh, drugs, and
smoke come into view.  Gross.

The men I get, no decency.  The
life they lead is that of danger and at times whether I want to
acknowledge it or not, crime.  I’m not blind to the fact that
most of them do not know any different.  They live here; this
is where they call home.  They are comfortable and are
thankful to Hem and the Club that they have a place that they can
consider collectively theirs.  

The women on the other hand, no.
 Unless you are an old lady, finance, girlfriend, or relative,
you are treated like trash.  These women, they know this and
yet come to this club every week to be used, humiliated, and left
either alone or unsatisfied.  I cannot fathom what their lives
are like the other six days of the week if it’s this they look
forward to every weekend.  I will do everything in my own
power to not allow Sadey, my sweet Sadey, to become a member of
that population, even if she hates me for it.  Not that I
think Hem would allow that anyway, but being that he’s not thinking
clearly at the moment, it falls on me to ensure her future safely.
 Life would be so much easier if we would all just get our
shit together.

I haven’t found Hem.  I don’t
know where to look other than his room, but when a party is in play
its common knowledge that the warden be around to correct the
inmates if something gets out of hand, generally it’s Hem who does
this.  I look for Sadey, nothing.  At least I know she’s
not with Ace.  Thank hell for that.  

Shaking my head I start towards the
stairs.  I’m going first to check to see if Hem is okay.
 Not only have I not talked to him, I haven’t seen or heard
from him or about him in three days.  This strikes odd and
renews my goal of getting my brother back, glue and all.

Rounding the last turn towards the
hallway of rooms, that resemble a hotel floor, I see a door ajar.
 I know this room, I’ve spent time in this room enough to know
that if his door is open on a night like this it means it is also
considered an invitation.

Shame likes women, hasn’t ever been a
secret.  Also no secret is that he appreciates several at once
or in a sequence of nameless faces one after the other after
another.

Holding in my gag reflex, I pry the
door open in pretense of looking for Hem, asking Shame where Hem is
at. Generally Shame keeps tabs on Hem because under stress Hem has
a tendency to overdrink, overthink, and then overreact.  This
is never a great combination.  Rarely does my brother really
stop and think things through when he’s on a tirade.  Yet I
know that I’m lying to myself a little bit about just being here
for Hem, but to be honest the thought of Shame with other women
right now makes me sick.  He said I was his, but he never said
he was mine. I still feel that green eyed jealous monster rearing
her head as I edge the door open so I can get a full view of Shame
and Kegs.  Of course he has to be with the biggest whore of
them all.  

She’s standing above him and is in
between his knees as he sits on the edge of his bed.  His face
is buried in her chest.  All I can see from her back are his
hands on her bare ass kneading it on either side of that string
thong.  Her head is flipped back looking at the ceiling as her
bleach blond hair cascades down her back.  She moans as if
he’s already giving it to her good.  She looks as though she
is acting, probably so.  She and Ace would make a good couple,
oh never mind, I actually like Ace more than her and wouldn’t even
wish her on him.  She needs to go away, for good.  To be
flushed with the rest of the shit.  

Before I attempt my escape I hear a
pop, yuck.  I know this is his mouth coming off her chest so I
make a quick attempt to turn around and flee.  I’m stopped
immediately by the voice of anger before I can make it down the
hall and far enough away to really make a run for it.

“
MACE!”

He shouts loud enough to create an
audience of those lingering in the halls.  His voice is so
loud and booming that couples actually come out of embrace to see
what the wall of Shame is about to do to me.

I keep going though.  Then I’m
stopped by his strong arm that grips my shoulder to turn me around.
 My eyes are closed.  I’m trying not to open them, I’m
lost in another time when he was beautiful, and loved me, and when
he said I was his.

I can’t be someone else’s when just a
few days ago I was meant to marry Grey.  This doesn’t stop me
from thinking about Shame and how he makes me feel when it is just
us.  We have a special way when we are cushioned in our own
world and away from the exterior bullshit also known as reality.
 

I open my eyes finding that Shame has
now absolutely buried his gaze into me.  It is as if the man
can look at me and see me in so many different mirrors at
once, a baby, a child, a teenager, and a grown woman.
 Knowing someone your whole life creates this kind of bond.
 I don’t really know what the hell I’m doing but my hand darts
to his bottom lip, reaching to feel the piercing.  All these
years I’ve studied it, but never had the nerve to just touch him
like this.  It feels so intimate.  

Before I can even pull my hand back,
he grabs it and now he’s dragging me back to his room, yanking me
by the wrist.  I’m not even questioning this and knowing that
skank is in there I certainly should be questioning everything
right now!  The protective bubble he creates for me though has
me moving in there as quickly as he is.  I want to feel safe
with him right now; when the entire world is crumbling around me it
is him that I’m really searching for.

“
Out Kegs, now.”  He
doesn’t miss a beat as she huffs and takes a few seconds to look me
up and down like I’m the one that shouldn’t be here.  Bitch.
 He moves me by my shoulders towards a corner of his
room.

“
I said OUT KEGS, you can
go on your own feet or I can pick you up and toss you out on your
ass!”  

“
Oh you have got to be
kidding me right now, Shame!  She’s nothing.  Look at
her.  Plain, simple, delicate.  She doesn’t fuck, Shame.
 Hell I doubt she’s ever been laid, who would fuck her?”
 She’s sneering at me. Bitch!

Slap!
 

Oh shit.  Shame just backhanded
her and his fury is still coming from every pore in his body.
 She stands there, tears welling in her eyes. She is grabbing
her stuff while she is calling him every name
imaginable.

His eyes do not leave mine and I am
finding it difficult to not look away at his shirtless, shoeless,
jeans unbuttoned, gorgeous body.  I almost want him to slap
her again to get her out sooner; I just start to walk away so I can
keep his eyes off of me. I need to regroup and think for a second.
 

Finally she leaves, not without
slamming the door.  Well point made, she’s mad.  Poor
girl.  Psh!

“
What are you doing up
here, Mace?  The party is downstairs.”  His voice is soft
and patient, I recognize this Shame, and I love this part of
him.

“
Well,
you should say that the
other
party
is downstairs, appeared to me
that
your
party
was in here.”  I say sweetly gesturing around the room and to
the bed.

I’m standing near the wall and he’s
standing beside his bed.  Only about three foot of space
separate us and since slut slammed the door completely for added
props on her way out, the room feels much smaller than it ever
has.

“
Is that why you came up
here?  For an invite?  You never have to ask to be
invited into my bed, Sweetheart.”  He’s walking toward me,
like a panther circling its prey.  

Shit.

“
No, I was looking for
Hem.  I saw your door was open and thought maybe you knew
where he was.”  My voice is small.  I feel slight
standing next to this tattooed, black haired, pierced, beautiful
Adonis.

“
You’re turned on, Mace.
Tell me what you want.”

“
Why do you say things
like that to me? Do you like me to be embarrassed?  I mean, I
just walked in here and you had her boob in your mouth!”
  I look down to avoid that predatory gaze that will have
me surrendering to him without regard of what becomes of us after.
 

“
Look at me, Sweetheart.”
 I can’t.  If I look at him, he will see through me
again.

“
Now.  Right now.
 Look at me!  I’m tired of waiting for you, Mace. Dammit
woman you are frustrating the shit of out me.”  

My insides are stewing now.
 Butterflies have invaded my lower belly.  I only feel
this way with Shame and for so long I just thought it was because
of some crazy crush.  This isn’t a crush; this is something
that is so much more.  

I finally gather the courage to just
glance up quickly.  Seeing his face looking back at me, I
recognize this moment.  He has such intensity about him as he
is standing in front of me. This is what I have thought about for
years.  I used to sit in my high school classes and think
about this moment.  I would imagine what his skin would feel
like as I ran my hands down his chest and back.  I used to
wonder if he would smell of Shame while he was making love to me,
passionately.  What words would he whisper to me as we were
wrapped in each other’s bodies, souls touching and coming together?