Holding On (35 page)

“
Mace, I’m going to do as
you asked me to do. Yes baby, I will help you forget everything.
 We aren’t going to talk about anything right now, except that
I want you to know when we are done we will have to talk.  I
can’t do this knowing we won’t, outcome good or bad I just know
there are things unsaid and I can’t go weeks again without talking
them through with you.  If you agree to that, then I’m going
to carry you to your bedroom and do to you exactly what you’ve
asked.”

I nod in response.  I
don’t want to agree to a discussion with him but he’s giving me no
choice.  I can listen to what he has to say and I guess I have
things to say as well.  More than anything though, I just want
him to take me with him to our place.  That place we built
where we would get so wrapped up in each other that there are no
outsiders and the world is ours, forever.

He pushes me forward with
his body a bit, asking me without words to lead him to my bedroom.
 He wants me to take initiative on this because in fairness,
this was my idea.  He is letting me have control because
knowing me so well, he knows I feel I no longer have control over
anything.  

We are in my room, he goes
for my bedside lamp and tries to turn it on but I get there with
him first, “No.  No light.  No distractions.”  I’m
pleading with my eyes to just let me have this in darkness without
thought or possible remorse.

He pushes my hand away
from his as it sits on the lamps switch. “Sorry but I’m not giving
you that.  If you want me to fuck you, I get it.  But
Mace, I want you to see who it is that is fucking you.  I’m
not going to be a nameless face to you, ever.  If you wanted
that then you should have asked someone else.  I don’t fuck
you without emotion so either light stays on or this doesn’t
happen.”  

His face is tight and I’m
realizing too late that he’s dead serious.  His eyes are hard
and his jaw is working and I know it’s because he had just
suggested I have sex with another man, I can tell that thought is
as unbearable to him as it is to me.

“
Okay, Shame.  Just
you and I.  It’s just us.”  After I say this I can see
his face immediately relax.

“
Take
your clothes off, I’m going to run you a shower and make you
something to eat.  You haven’t eaten and I can see the
exhaustion running through you.  I’m not going to be with you
the way I
want
to be with you if I’m worried about that.”

I’m not about to argue
because he’s right. I’m exhausted. “Okay.”

I could use a shower and
something to eat.  It was a long day and when the doctor told
Sadey she wasn’t going home today her hysterics went off the chart
even for Sadey, so I couldn’t leave her room, not once to even grab
a shower.

Forty five minutes later,
I feel almost new.  I’m showered and I’ve eaten.  Shame
made me eat a bit of each food from my plate of cheese, grapes, and
crackers.  Looking at him now, as we sit here in my room on my
bed, I know he’s going to be such a good dad someday.
 Thinking about Sadey and her reaction to her news made me sad
for Hem. I think he’s going to be overjoyed, wish he didn’t have to
wait to find out.  It isn’t fair to him and she needs to tell
him sooner than later.

“
Where are you,
Sweetheart?  You’re a million miles away from me.  If you
have changed your mind about us tonight, it’s okay.  I can go,
or I can stay and just hold you.  Whatever you need, I’m right
here.” As he moves the hair off my forehead and to the side he
keeps talking.  “There’s never any pressure for us to be
anything you don’t want us to be.  I’m so sorry I wasn’t here
when that happened with Sadey and that you went through that with
her alone.”

I roll my eyes in comfort.  His
touch gives me relief and I’m so tired after my shower and meal.
 He must sense that because he stands up, takes off his
clothes except for his boxers then lifts me and pulls on the
strings of my robe, pushes it off my shoulders and he lets it fall
to the floor.  I’m exposed completely but don’t have time to
contemplate that. Scooping me up, he carries me to my side of the
bed and tucks me in.  Then he gets in on the other side and
lays down, reaching his arm out to pull me into him.  Almost
instantly I’m so relaxed I fall asleep.

I wake some time later
feeling rested.  I slept soundly in his arms last night, we
didn’t change position once in the night.  I feel him behind
me, his breathing isn’t steady so I know he’s awake.  I get up
without looking at him and he releases me.  I need to use the
bathroom, sleeping for 10 hours has caused the urgency that I won’t
ignore.  I also need to brush my teeth.  I’m that girl,
that one girl everyone knows that won’t let anyone see her in the
morning with bed head or smell her nasty morning breath.
 

Coming back into the room
I see he hasn’t moved a muscle.  He’s comfortable here in my
house and in my bed.  It is fluent and feels emblematic to
both of us, even though right now we both know we are anything but
ordinary.  I crawl back to my spot that I left and is no
longer warm.  The chill in the air gives me an excuse to
burrow closer into this chest with my back.

“
Shame?”

“
No, we aren’t talking
yet.  I’m going to enjoy this for just a while longer so
shhh.” I take a breath and try to get his attention again but he
grips my hip and keeps talking, “I’m happy here and I haven’t been
happy since before the night Hem fucked everything up for me with
his ego attack on Ace so stop talking cause I am taking this.
 I don’t know how long I have to wait until I feel this way
again.”  Even though he’s clinging to me here, he sounds so
sad and alone.  

“
Well I was going to ask
you what your favorite ice cream is, because I don’t know.”
 I’m smiling but he doesn’t know and I said it like I was
seriously inquiring.

“
Woman, do you know how to
shhh?  What it means to shhh?  I told you the truth and
now I am telling you again already, I’m happy right here so let me
bottle all this happy because when I’m not with you, I’m so not
happy.”

I hesitate because I still
hear his sadness but I continue.  “So then I’m guessing your
favorite has got to be strawberry cause its pink, isn’t it?
 Or cherry?  Oh god it is cherry!  You are a sick
man Shame.”  I giggle at the idea of him liking ‘cherry’ and
know he’s thinking the same thing about the insinuation of who
‘Cherry’ is. I also accuse him of something ludicrous because he’s
given me no reply and I’m relieved that I can feel his smile on the
crown of my head and then I hear him inhale my scent.  I
didn’t think this through.  When I wanted to get lost last
night I didn’t think how crippling this would be for us.

“
No Mace.  It isn’t
cherry.  Get your head out of the gutter.”  He is coming
back to me now, the playful and easy Shame.

“
Then, what’s your
favorite ice cream?”  I’m pressing because now I’m just
curious.

“
Do you really want to
talk about ice cream?” He pauses as he lifts his head to look at my
alarm clock.  “At 7:30 a.m.? “  

“
Yes, I do.  I want
to know.  I’ve known you for 17 years and I don’t know this
about you.  Just indulge me, you big tree!”  Name
calling, how sexy.

“
Vanilla.”  He says
straight out like he’s discussing the weather.  I can’t help
but laugh.  The thought of this big, tattooed and beautifully
exotic man liking just plain old vanilla ice cream, literally has
me wanting to roll over laughing.  

“
You’re laughing at me.
 That’s really not nice.”  He sounds soft and serious but
I can hear his smile through his words.

“
Then who is your favorite
band?  Vanilla Ice?” I bust out in humor. I may as well keep
this little ‘get to know’ meet going.

“
Are you done laughing at
me?  Because now it’s my turn lady.” Again he grips my hips
and I can’t see him because he’s behind me. He lets out a sigh that
I feel into my neck.  “Let me see.  What do I want to
know about my Mace?”  He pauses in thought again, then
continues.  “I have one, what’s your favorite position?”
 

“
WHAT?  That’s hardly
appropriate for a ‘get to know you’ question and I won’t answer.
 Keep these questions a bit more ‘vanilla’ please.” I laugh
out loud now and it isn’t a pretty or girly laugh, I think I even
just heard myself snort.  He should have made up some type of
ice cream flavor because I am going to have some fun with this for
some time to come.  

I’m still laughing when
all of a sudden I’m yanked and seems I didn’t even see this coming,
Shame has flipped me to my back and is on top of me.  He’s
hard and I can tell because he’s pressing his hips into me. I can
feel his piercing at my opening through the thin material of his
boxers.  Unsure why my body just reacts this way to him but he
met no resistance in getting his large frame in between my legs.
 I’ve stopped laughing and now I’m looking up at him, face to
face, into this beautiful blue eyes.

“
Nothing
funny now is there babe?  You have any more quips, jokes, or
teases right now?  Cause in about one minute beautiful, I’m
not going to be in any mood to laugh.”
 
Oh my god
I’m so done talking.

“
Give me a minute, I will
think of something… Hold on...  Be still.  Let me
get it all out now.”  He is staring at me as I’m saying this
and he looks hungry, for me.

I’m stalling and I have no
idea why.  I know he’s about to have me because I’ve seen that
predatory look before so me talking isn’t going to divert his
intentions at all. Let’s be honest, I have no intentions in getting
in his way of having me either.

“
You done?”  His head
tilted with a smirk on his face and he’s still planted right at my
core and I can feel him twitching in anticipation.

“
Yep, I think I’m do...”
Before I get the last word out, he’s already entering me and he’s
pushing in me hard.  I’m filled.  All distractions from
this horrible month has faded because I’m here with him and we are
sharing ourselves again.  

“
Fuck I miss you, Mace.
 I miss your face, baby.  Can you feel me?  God you
feel so fucking good right now.”  His breathing has increased
and it just spurs me on so I move my hips to meet his and the
combination is sending us both into the abyss.  I’m clinging
to his back so tight that he’s moving us both off the bed as he
continues to move inside me, in and out.  

“
I miss you Shame, so
much.  Please give me all of you. Everything, right here.”
 

He stops.  Literally stops moving
and nudges me off him to move me back down to the bed under him.
 “You have all of me, Mace.  There is nothing else for me
to give you.  My heart is yours, always.”  

He moves his hands to my face and
squeezes gently around my jaw trying to keep my attention on him
and doesn’t allow me to turn my head away.  He starts to move
again, slower this time.  

“
Do you want me, Mace?
 Or are you better without me?  Did you think of me as
much as I thought of you when we were apart?  It nearly kills
me when I’m not near you.  God, I miss you so so
much.”

His rhythm is staggering now and I can
see he’s close to climax.  I’m ready to feel him explode in me
so I close my eyes and shake my head out of his grasp and push him
up a bit so I get a view of his chest.  Then lifting my head a
bit, I take his nipple into my mouth and bite down, marking him
mine again.  As always though, Shame knows what I’m doing and
he gives it to me without question then he moves his hands under
me, tilts up and drives us home.  

Colors change, words are screamed
incoherently, and our bodies are slamming together.
 Everything around us is so blurry all I can see clearly is
him. He’s stopped inside me and he puts his face in my neck and
keeps steady breaths in time with mine.

“
Yes Shame.  I love
you, I miss you.  Maybe we should get cleaned up and dressed
before we finish this conversation.”

“
Why?  You planning
on going somewhere?  No.  We talk like this, wide-open.
 Finish your negotiation.”  God he’s right.  I’m
about to make a negotiation and he called me on it.

“
I can’t do this again
with us, so we are either all in or pull your ante off the table
now.  You’re not going to hurt me again.  If you do, if
you hurt me intentionally again, you will never see my face or hear
my voice again, ever.”  

My voice is cracking because I can’t
imagine never seeing him again but the mind is there to protect the
body and my heart couldn’t survive this with him again.

“
Then ante the fuck up,
beautiful.  I’m not going anywhere and neither are you.
 We’re in.”

“
Okay”

“
Okay and
Mace?”

“
Yeah?”

“
I’m sorry I hurt you. I
will always be sorry for that mistake. I know you can’t forgive me,
I would be suspicious of you if you did but you should know that
I’m so fucking sorry. You are everything to me,
Sweetheart.”

I don’t say anything to
that but overall that was easier than I had thought it would be.
 Maybe today will be a better day, I haven’t had a good day in
what feels like a long damn time.