Holding On (4 page)

I am waiting to hear someone else
speak before I put my hand on the handle to bathroom, where after
one very long minute I finally give in and start to open the door,
unsure what I’m walking into.

“
Hello?” I wait.  All
the talking stops and now I can only hear muffled sobs.
 Someone is trying to regain composure.  “Hello, its
Mace, can I help?”  

The feral sound of a sob so loud hits
me when the door is yanked fully open and I find Sadey standing
there in her torn jeans, Peril Tee, and her signature orange flip
flops. “I hate him!”  She grabs my arm and pulls me in before
slamming her back against the door and sinking to the floor in
sobs.

“
Honey, who is him? Please
for fucks sake wipe that shit off your nose or I will”.  Sadey
knows when I curse, I have to be past the point of pissed off.
 She’s upset and seeing my free spirited friend this upset
just tears me apart and Mama Bear makes her entrance.

She stares at me with those green eyes
and sniffs. I grab some toilet paper off the roll and give it to
her to clean herself up.  I can’t have this conversation with
all this bodily fluid staring back at me.  Yuck.

“
Your BROTHER!
 PATRICK FRIGGEN COLLINS DUMBASS EXTRAORDINAIRE, that’s the
WHO I HATE!”  Well, alright then, maybe she’s a little
upset.

Although my brother tends
to forget the unimportant people in his life he loves Sadey, I know
this.  He just has this brotherly way of showing her that and
she never appreciates it. Even as kids Hem was constantly reminding
her of her age the way he was always rubbing the top of her hair
and messing it up or tickling her to tears. She has always been
known to him as his ‘Sadey Girl’ or ‘Sugar’.

One day she had just had
enough. Sadey tried to put on makeup in an attempt to look more
mature, we had just turned 13 and Sadey had just started her period
so she thought she was already a woman and being that she just
started her period for the first time we did not recognize what
hormones raged inside and the emotional mood swings we were capable
of now. Hem would have been 23, so you can imagine his surprise
when she wore the brightest red lipstick into the Club, puckered
her lips in his direction and when he let out a hoot of laughter
directed at her, she took off one of those stiletto heels that she
stole from my mom’s closet and threw it at Hem.  Unfortunately
though she missed him, which only just made him laugh harder and
she ran from there all the way home.  Her ego took a hit that
day, and it looks like tonight was a replay sans lipstick and
heels.  Thank God.

“
Breathe, again and again,
in and out Sade.  Tell me what happened so I can understand
more of what’s going on behind those green eyed beauties, honey.”
 I’m trying to distract her with compliments.  Not a
proud moment, but when you compliment the woman, she does turn to
goo.  Sad sap.

“
He
asked me Wednesday if I were coming to the party this weekend.
 I was so surprised, Mace, shocked even.  You and I both
know he isn’t always open to me being here with all
the
festivities
going on, so I jumped at the chance just to be invited.
 I spent all day mentally preparing for the reason he had
finally asked me to be here, ya know?  I mean, if he’s
inviting me here knowing that it will be the same as all the other
parties he never wanted me at, then that must mean he sees that
I’ve grown up, right?  I wanted to come here and be among the
people too, Mace.  
His
people
.  I wanted to show him that
maybe I can fit in here, ya know?  Maybe I’m not as innocent
as he believes.  I can see how he looks at me still, Mace.
 He looks at me like I’m going to ask him for ice cream truck
money like I used to when we were five!”  

She’s appearing to be a bit more
stable.  Getting this off her chest may save Hem’s private
parts, for now.  Any anger he gets from Sadey while she’s in
this state would be life changing to his portions.  She’s a
free spirit and when she’s as wounded as she is now, she won’t be
held back.

“
How did we go from you
accepting your invitation to… this?” I motion with my hand to her
appearance.

“
I was
having a beer with Ace at the bar while I was waiting for Hem to
come back from Oceana, they had that charity ride down there today,
ya remember?  He and Shame were late getting here and Hem
looked exhausted.  Shame of course didn’t hesitate to grab
Cherry on his way to
his
room though.  Hem barely glanced at me when
he came inside, Mace. I thought maybe it was because he was tired
or stressed or whatever. I didn’t think he was mad at me or
anything.  So Ace had asked me what I was looking at and then
he saw Hem, with a smirk on his face he put his arms around my
shoulders and whispered in my ear.”  I know where this is
going now, but I wait for her to continue through the wreck of
hiccups that are coming on again.

“
What did Ace whisper?”
 I ask her just knowing that this will piss me the hell
off.

“
He just asked if I needed
another beer, when I smiled and nodded he just turned and went to
get me another. No big deal, right?  I’m legally allowed to
drink and I was still nursing my first beer as I waited for Hem. I
was even sitting at the bar all night, away from the action on the
floor. So after Ace left to get me another, I looked around to find
Hem again but he was gone.”

“
Well,
okay Sade, so here you are crying. Because… you can’t
find
Hem? I’m sure I can
go out there and….”  I’m cutoff with her over the top, so
Sadey, response.

“
No,
Mace
.  I’M NOT CRYING BECAUSE I COULDN’T ‘FIND’ HEM.
 I’M CRYING BECAUSE I DID ‘FIND’ HEM.  He wasn’t looking
for
me
though.
 Nope, hard to be looking for
me
when his cock was buried in that
hooch Kegs mouth.  He was sitting in his leather chair, out on
the open friggin floor, while combing his fingers through her
bleach dried hair and moaning, his mouth open while he fucked hers
hard and he was looking directly at me.  Then he smiled at me,
Mace.  Fucking smiled at me!  Her mouths around him like
that and he thought of me enough to look at me while she was
finishing him off and he smiles at
me
.”  

Oh Dammit.  I’m going to kick his
ass myself now.

“
What have I done to him
that would make this okay?  I love him and he has to know
that.  I have only ever loved Hem.  I never lied about it
or tried to hide that.  One minute he wants me around and he
touches me, smiles at me, and is so sweet from his inside.  It
is like when we were kids, remember?  Then I’m being hit the
in face with Kegs and having to watch her fucking mouth sucking his
dick!  Mace, I feel so stupid.  I could never compete
with her or even Cherry.  Hell, Shame did not even blink when
he grabbed Cherry when he came in, I mean she didn’t even have to
work for it!  I’ve been working for Hem my whole damn life.
 It isn’t fair.  I love him, how do I stop loving someone
that I know won’t ever love me back?”

Kegs is a Club lingering
whore.  Simply put, whore of whores.  She loiters around
with in her slut uniforms as I refer to them, just waiting for a
taste of one of the boys.  She’s not choosy either; it’s kind
of a first come first serve type deal for her. She’s not after
stature or trying to claim one of the men in the Club.  Nope,
just a slut whorebag.  The boys nicknamed her Keg.  I
would like to think it’s because she can drink with the boys and
hold her own in beer, however I have heard the stories about the
woman and her kegal abilities and okay, you get it.  Yuck.
 Slut.

Cherry is also a Club whore, but she
isn’t as ‘used’ as Kegs.  She’s a nice girl when the boys
aren’t around.  She’s also really quiet when the boys are
around.  She helps out with the kids when they are at the
Club, and also helps with family tasks when someone’s man is gone.
 To say I like her is probably taking it a bit far, but she’s
not a bad person.  I think maybe she just didn’t get what she
needed as a child and that’s what makes her this way.  Now I’m
guessing the way that Sadey explains Kegs and Hem tonight that
maybe Cherry doesn’t have magic oral skills.  Thinking about
Shame and Cherry upstairs right now makes my stomach
turn.

Ace however, he is a damn instigator.
 If Ace were a woman I would have already scratched his eyes
big brown eyes out.  He’s been a prospect here for over a
year.  He’s not been patched in for no other reason than his
antics.  Although loyal to Hem, he’s an ornery bastard and
starts shit within the group just for fun.  He seriously
flirts with every woman in every room, taken or not.  I’ve
been around Ace on several occasions and I have yet to see him act
like a decent human being.  As long as Hem and Shame have a
finger on him and his actions he’s most likely harmless, but I
don’t care for him. The brothers tolerate him, sighting that he
means nothing by this.  Right!  When women are like this,
we know better.

Also, it is known he wants Sadey.
 Not to love, date, or make her his old lady, no.  He has
said on many occasions that he will bag her then tag her goodbye.
 He is such a romantic. So, setting Hem up to fail with her
comes as no surprise to me.  That little shit!

My best friend, my sister
at heart, just got a view of the Club Hem.  Friggin DAMMIT.
 He knows how Sadey feels about him, whether he wants to admit
out loud and discuss or not, he knows.  She has loved him
since she was 10 and fantasized about her wedding to him since we
were five years old, playing at the lake outside our house.
 She would force me to be Hem and say “I do”.  Our dog
Scotch, Hem named him of course, would be the ring bearer.  It
was so awful for her when Scotch would take off after a bird during
this pretend ceremony.  Who gave the bride away?  Oh
yeah, a broom did.  She actually buried the damn thing in the
ground so that the proceedings wouldn’t be interrupted with the
loud thump when the broom fell hitting the ground.
 

As we got older, the more time she and
Hem spent together it was obvious her childhood fantasy never left
town.   By then she had picked out the colors of the
wedding and their first born baby room patterns!   First
comes love, then comes marriage… and all that.  I never even
asked her what she named their kids, would make it too real for me
that my friend had lost her mind.  I needed her too much so I
just overlooked a lot during those few years of immaturity.
 

“
Oh God, Sade.  I’m
sorry.”  I call her Sade when she’s upset, it has always had a
calming effect on her. “I don’t know what to say about Hem, honey.
 He does love you though.  Maybe not the way you want to
be loved but he would do anything for you.  You don’t deserve
this, I can’t stress this enough.  You really are too good for
my blockhead brother.  You’re such an open person and you will
find someone who loves you and would never hurt you like this.
 Hem does know how you feel, no one can deny this but… you
know Hem and his fear of anyone getting too close.  Although
he has loved you since we were little, you’re forcing him to face
adult feelings and we are talking about a 32 year old man whose
longest relationship has been a 5 day trip to Mexico with one of
the hookers from the Club.”
“I hear you and it’s not on you, but thank you for listening.
 I need to find a Greyson, Mace.  God, you are right.
 Hem only sees me as a child and that’s all I will ever be to
him.  It hurts.  My chest hurts, Mace.  I shouldn’t
have come here.  I knew better.  No one wants the kid
next door, not anyone here anyway.  Maybe dating Ace would
work as a distraction, huh?  He always wants to touch me, or
sit near me, or just hang out.  He’s really sweet to me.
 He offers to get my drinks, drive me home, fix things at the
house and even offers to stay the night when I know you are going
to be Greyson’s. He’s not Hem, but Hem will never see me as a woman
and I want someone to want me, Mace.  Isn’t that normal?
 I mean, I can’t sit and wait for him anymore, ya
know?”

Shit.  Can she hear herself?
 Damn Ace, he’s been baiting her all along.  Oh sure,
sleeping at my house when I’m gone will get him in the door, then
his charm into my friends bed!  Argh.

“
Sade, Ace isn’t the
answer.  Ace is a player and is only looking to steal your
quality to give him bragging rights.  Please don’t make that
decision right now.  I will support you on whatever or whoever
you decide, but do not settle for Ace.”

“
Yes, I am a living
breathing 22 year old virgin aren’t I?”  She stiffens but
laughs at herself.  

After wiping her down
literally, I take her out to find her purse then lead her
outside. Finally we hit fresh air.  I steer her towards my
car, making our way through the vast number of member bikes and
brothers standing around drinking and laughing. Kegs has removed
herself from Hem’s dick and is once again center of attention with
the boys doing body shots as she lays her body down for them to
suck drinks off of her.  I shiver as Def Leppard talks about
pouring sugar.  Damn it, I liked that song too.

I’m curious on where to start my
vicious verbal assault that my ‘family’ has coming.  All of a
sudden I miss Greyson more than I thought I could.  Our life
together may be simple and predictable, but oh it is so safe.
 Whatever was eating at him that night, I know we can talk
about it and get past it.  Tonight has reminded me of why I
don’t belong here.  These men have heartbreak written all over
them like a bad tattoo!