Hidden in the Heart (16 page)

“Nothing is wrong with me.” Michelle clenched her jaw and studied her fingernails. The temptation to chew on them was strong, but she’d broken that habit years ago. Weariness dogged her. She lifted her chin and tossed Belinda a scowl. “Do you know what this would do to me if this story ever came out?”

Belinda shook her head. “I don’t think anyone would bat an eye. You made the only decision you could at the time. It’s not uncommon.”

Michelle sat on her hands to stop them from shaking. “I don’t care. I’m not about to open my private life for the public to gawk at. It’s bad enough with everything going on with Kevin. Besides that, I don’t want anything to do with her. She’ll get the point.”

“Did you just say you don’t want anything to do with her?” Belinda’s stunned expression made her feelings clear.

“Are you hard of hearing?”

“Shel…this is…”

Michelle ground her teeth and counted to ten. She would not get into a shouting match over this. “No. Just stop. You are not going to sit there and give me some guilt trip. This is my decision, Belinda, my life. I’ve worked long and hard to get where I am. I’m well respected. People trust me. Kevin trusts me. If this came out, it would all be over.”

“You’re serious.”

“Of course I’m serious,” Michelle snapped. “Don’t give me that look.”

“But…Shelly…she’s looking for you. She wants…”

“I don’t care what she wants!” Michelle shot off the couch and paced the room. Moisture formed along her hairline despite the cool air blowing through the vents in the ceiling. “I made a choice, Lin. I did the best I could at the time. I’ve got a new life now, a career to consider. When I gave her up, I closed that door. Permanently. There is no point in
opening it again. No point rehashing the past. I’m not doing it.”

“Then why are you looking at those registries?”

Michelle faced her friend, a slight twinge of regret twisting her heart at the disappointment in Belinda’s eyes. “If you must know, I’m trying to see if anyone with her birthday left their name or any contact information. I want to make sure she’s not still out there trying to track me down.”

“Trying to track you down? Michelle, listen to yourself!” Belinda hissed. “You make her sound like some deranged psychopath. That’s your daughter you’re talking about.”

“No!” Michelle shook her head, a beleaguered laugh sticking in her throat. “No, Lin. She’s somebody else’s daughter. Not mine.” She stood in front of the window and watched the traffic creep by on the street below, and for the umpteenth time that week, questioned her sanity.

“I didn’t realize you’d be so adamant about this.” Belinda’s tone softened and dripped with uncharacteristic melancholy. “Don’t you think Darcie has the right to know she has a sister out there somewhere?”

“Absolutely not.” Michelle whirled. She pressed her lips together and stared Belinda down. “She’d hold it against me for the rest of her life. Not that I think we’ll ever have a good relationship anyway, but why add fuel to that fire?”

Belinda raised an eyebrow. Michelle looked down at her bare feet and willed her pulse back to normal. It was time for Belinda to leave. Perhaps there was an auction in the area she could send her off to.

“What about her, then, this girl? Don’t you think she deserves some answers, to know where she came from and why she was given up?”

“No, I don’t!” Michelle pinned her with a glare. Aggravation gave way to anger, tension tightening in her neck. “What gives her the right to start poking around, disrupting
my life, damaging my reputation? Please. Don’t start talking to me about rights. No.
She
doesn’t need to know. Darcie doesn’t need to know. Nobody
ever needs to know
, Belinda! Ever.”

Chapter Fourteen

Claire wandered across the lawn, the little pup scampering along beside her. The summer sun kissed her face and she pulled her hair up into a ponytail as she walked. “Hey, Chance. Come on this way.” She snapped her fingers and coaxed him to follow her as she approached the fenced-in vegetable garden. She found it hard to believe it was almost the end of June.

Jessie crouched over the newly tilled soil, pulling weeds. The rich dark mulch permeated the air with promise of the crop to come. Tomatoes ripened on the vine, the large green blobs turning orange. Thick stalks bowed under the weight of the lush ripe fruit.

Claire inhaled the earthy smell and enjoyed it. She missed the long runs she and James used to take together. Missed staying up late, just talking. Missed him more than she could say. But she wasn’t ready to think about that yet.

When she got all her strength back she hoped to start running again, but for now she would just enjoy long walks around the property. She used the time to think and figure out what her next step would be.

“Hi, Jessie. The garden looks great.”

Jessie glanced up and Claire caught her smile under the wide-brimmed straw hat she had on.

“One sec, honey.” She patted down the soil with her gloved hand, rose and brushed dirt off her jeans. “Looks like you found a friend there, Miss Claire.” Her smile broadened as
she stepped over rows of sod and let herself out of the wooden gate.

Claire picked up the puppy and gave him a gentle scratch on his tiny head. “We went for a walk down by the lake. I think when he’s a bit older he’ll just jump right in.”

“Ayuh. Little scamp.” Jessie pulled off her gardening gloves and smacked them together, sending dirt flying. The puppy gave a whine and opened its small mouth in a yawn. Jessie tickled him under the chin. “Come on up to the porch. I made some lemonade this morning.”

Settled in what was now her favorite wicker rocker, Claire sipped the tart juice and watched Chance sleep in her lap. The runt of the litter, Jazz rejected the pup, she’d learned. At first, none of them thought the little guy would survive the night. But Jessie sat up with him, kept him warm and tried to feed him through a baby bottle fished out from one of her cluttered kitchen cupboards.

The puppy lived, and they named him Chance.

And now he was Claire’s. At least for as long as she was here, Rick was quick to add.

Claire leaned over and nuzzled the pup’s soft fur. When she straightened, she found Jessie staring at her.

“What?” She grinned, pushing a stray strand of hair off her face. “Do I have something on my nose?”

“Nope.” Jessie’s mouth curled in a smile. “You mind if I ask you something?”

“Go ahead.” Claire adjusted a blanket around the pup and rocked. The chair creaked back and forth. A gentle breeze filtered through the trees around the porch. Claire spied a lone sailboat out on the blue lake.

“What are you really doing here?”

The question jolted her and she turned to look at Jessie.

The older woman smiled, her face creased in a tender expression of understanding. “I
know you’re on the mend, now, praise God. But people don’t generally get themselves in a state like yours over nothing. Do you want to talk about it?”

Claire stopped rocking. She clenched her fingers over the wooden arms of the chair and stared down at the sleeping puppy in her lap. Silently she scooped him up and held him against her, seeking comfort from his warmth. Chance pushed against her, his pink tongue licking her arm.

“I don’t mean to pry,” Jessie said, looking a little contrite. “I was just curious.”

Claire rested her head back against the cushion tied to the chair. Eventually she found her voice and faced Jessie. “It’s okay. My…mother died. Last year. She had cancer. We thought…she would beat it. But she didn’t. And then…just after she died, I had a miscarriage. It was my third one.”

“I’m so sorry,” Jessie whispered. She reached out and placed her hand on Claire’s arm, her eyes glistening.

“It’s okay. I just…” Claire drew in a breath and faced the truth. “Couldn’t handle it, I guess. I went into a depression. Started drinking then. It helped. At least I thought it did. But I was really just trying to avoid dealing with everything I’d lost.”

Jessie nodded. “I never lost a baby, but we lost our son. Jacob. He was ten. Went out on the lake one winter before it was fully frozen. We couldn’t get to him in time.”

“Oh, how awful for you.” Claire swiped away her tears and shook her head. “How did you get over it?” She couldn’t imagine it. A child you’d raised and watched grow, a future ahead of him, suddenly snatched away without warning. She couldn’t fathom such a loss.

At the same time, she could.

“You know, I don’t know that we ever did.” Jessie gave a half-smile and ran a hand over her gray head. “We focused on our daughter, Darcie’s mother. Maybe too much. She always told us we were being overprotective. But she was three years older than Jacob and
she took it hard. By the time she graduated high-school she was pretty much doing her own thing.”

“Does your daughter live around here?” Tiny needles pricked the back of Claire’s neck. “You’ve never mentioned her.”

Jessie’s eyes hinted of sorrow. “No. I guess you could say we had a falling out. We haven’t seen each other for a long time.” She wound her hands in her lap and stared out across the lake.

“I’m sorry.” Claire’s heart melted at the sight of Jessie’s tears. This wasn’t the time to ask questions. “My mom and I used to argue, but most of the time we were pretty good friends.” She coughed down the lump in her throat. Claire closed her eyes and stroked the puppy’s head.

“Where’s your husband, honey?” Jessie asked in a quiet voice.

Claire opened her eyes, surprised again. It was a logical question. After all Jessie had done for her, she had a right to know. “Back home in Connecticut. He didn’t really understand what was going on with me. He thought we should just try for another baby. I couldn’t. We’re um…separated. Another of my many mistakes.” She let go a ragged sigh and managed a grin. “You didn’t bargain on such a sob story.”

Jessie swatted at a fly and sipped lemonade. “We all have problems, Claire. But I don’t believe there’s any problem bigger than what God can fix.”

Claire nodded. If she’d had it in her she would have laughed. “My best friend Melanie would like you.”

Jessie’s face cracked with a smile and Claire returned it. Yes, Mel would like her very much.

“Would it be all right if I stayed here a bit longer, maybe until the end of summer?” She’d made her decision only a moment ago. “I’ll write you another check.”

Jessie’s smile broadened and she gave Claire’s arm a squeeze. “Stay as long as you like, honey. The rate we’re going you may be the only guest we have this season.”

They sat in comfortable silence, rocking and drinking and Jessie asked no more questions. Claire glanced at her watch. She’d be going into town tonight with Rick to their A.A. meeting. She’d gone for the first time last week and been pleasantly surprised. For what she imagined would be a mortifying experience, she’d come away feeling satisfied, and humbled.

“Have you always lived in Connecticut?” Jessie’s sudden question pulled her away from her thoughts and Claire met searching brown eyes.

For weeks now, she hadn’t focused on the real reason she’d come to Bethel. She’d been too busy fighting for her life. Now that she felt more in control, Claire knew she needed to decide how to proceed with her search. Or decide if she even wanted to. Maybe if she told Jessie why she was here, she could help unravel the mystery. Maybe, if her hunch was correct, Jessie was even a part of it.

“Yes, I’ve always lived there. I know I was born in Hartford. My parents adopted me when I was a newborn.”

The older woman seemed to startle at her words. “That’s interesting.” Jessie sipped some more lemonade. “Do you know anything about your birth parents? You know they have these open adoptions nowadays. I saw something about it on one of those talk shows.”

Claire shrugged. “Mine was closed. I don’t know anything and I can’t get my non-identifying information.”

“Why is that?”

“My birth mother has to give the DCF permission. She refused.”

Jessie sat in silence, a far away look taking over her features. Claire studied her carefully and made up her mind. “Actually, I think that my birth mother came from Bethel.
That’s really why I came here, you see. I want to find her.”

“Really?” Jessie’s eyes seemed too bright all of a sudden. “But you were born in Hartford.”

“Yes. But…well, I may as well just tell you. I don’t know if it’s a coincidence, but…” Claire felt her cheeks grow warm in the moment that could redefine her life. “I kind of went snooping through my dad’s files one day and found the name
Kelly
scribbled on a piece of paper. And then…well, I found a brochure for Tara’s Place. That’s why I thought my parents might have come here. When I saw your last name was Kelly, I wondered if there was a connection. I’m not sure what to make of it all.” There. It was done. Claire breathed a sigh of relief, but the ashen look on Jessie’s face alarmed her.

“Did you ask your father about it?”

“I did.” Claire nodded, frustration bumping her again. “He wasn’t very cooperative. I’m pretty sure he’s keeping something hidden.”

Jessie pushed herself out of her chair and walked to a potted rose near the porch railing. Spring being warmer than usual this year, it had already begun to bloom in a bright display of pink buds. Claire watched Jessie pick off the deadheads and toss them far onto the lawn below.

“When were you born, Claire?”

Claire gave her the date. She was barely able to stand not knowing what Jessie was thinking.

“Your birthday is next month.” For a long moment Jessie said nothing, just picked and threw.

“Yes.” Claire needed to break the silence. “Do you…does any of this make any sense to you?”

Jessie still remained silent. A strange sense of trepidation tickled Claire’s spine. The
feeling matched what she’d felt the first time she met Darcie. It was almost as though she kept stepping in the Twilight Zone.

If this kept up she’d start drinking again.

Jessie finally turned and met Claire’s gaze, her face flushed, her eyes brighter than they had been a few moments ago. “I don’t believe in coincidences.” She smiled, then looked down at her feet, clad in well-worn soft brown mules. “Let me think on this a bit.”