Hidden in the Heart (19 page)

Time rewound in slow motion. For a moment she was nineteen again—scared and pregnant, with no place to go. No place to run and hide, everyone she loved turned against her.

She pursed her lips together and blew out a long stream of air. “You want to talk about this now, Mother, after how many years? What’s wrong, the guilt finally got to you?”

“Shelly…please…”

“No, Mother. You please…please
stop
. I don’t know what game you’re playing but I don’t want to be a part of it. I’m hanging up now.”

“Shelly, wait! Tell me, I beg you. Did you…did you have an abortion?”

Michelle opened her eyes and checked again that the door to her office was closed. She trusted Sharlene not to be listening on the other end, but there were other people around
that she didn’t trust.

Her heart thudded against her chest and she made a fist with her free hand, opening and closing it. “No. I didn’t have an abortion. I couldn’t go through with it. After I left Bethel, I went to stay with a friend’s family in Connecticut and I gave the baby up for adoption.”

Had she ever said those words out loud, to anybody?

“Do you know…did they tell you if you had a boy or girl?”

“A girl.” Michelle gulped air and blinked, tears clinging to her lashes.

Do you want to hold her, Miss Kelly?

No. Take her away…

Her mother was torturing her, probably on purpose.

“Where?” Anxiety rang through her mother’s tone. “Where did you have the baby?”

Michelle tapped her pen against the desk in sporadic rhythm, uttering a few choice words that would make Mom shudder. “Some hospital in Hartford. I don’t remember the name of it. What’s this about? Why the—why are you asking me these questions?”

“When was she born, Shelly?”

Twenty-seven years ago next week.

Michelle let out another curse and squeezed her eyes shut. “I don’t remember. July something. It was hot.”

“Try. It’s important.”

“No!” Michelle shot out of her chair and marched across the room, locking the door. “Are you out of your mind? Why would you do this to me?” Her voice rose to a shriek and she put a hand to her mouth. Please let Sharlene have already gone for lunch.

“I’m not trying to hurt you.” Mom was crying. “But there’s…there’s a chance…I think she might be here, Michelle.”

“Who?
What
are you talking about?” Michelle sank into her chair again and kicked off her black high-heels. Her racing heart forced her to take extra breaths. She’d give a lot of money for a cigarette right now and she hadn’t smoked in years.

“Your daughter. I think she’s looking for you.”

Michelle leaned over her knees.

No, no, no.

She had to make this go away.

Had to make this day, this hour, this moment, disappear.

“It was a closed adoption. No names were recorded on the papers I signed. There’s no way she’d ever be able to find me even if she wanted to.” It sounded good in theory, but Michelle was beginning to suspect it was not the truth.

“Maybe so, Shelly, but I think she’s here anyway.”

“Where? In Bethel? You’re not making any sense, Mother.”

“She’s staying here, at Tara’s Place.”

“What?” Michelle hissed. Disbelief pounded her. This was not happening. Could the DCF have given out her information without her permission? It was the only answer that made any sense. “Dear God, am I hearing this? She’s staying with you? And you think she’s looking for
me
? Mother!”

“Calm down. She doesn’t know much. She’s pretty sure you came from Bethel. And she thinks…well, I guess the name Kelly was written down by someone, maybe her father, at the time of the adoption. She’s already asked me if I thought there was a connection.”

Her heart plummeted and Michelle paused to gather her raging thoughts. “What did you tell her?”

“Nothing. I…I wasn’t sure what had happened. But now…” Her mother’s voice trailed off.

Michelle shook her head and gripped the back of her neck. This was
not
happening. “Mother, be rational.” She talked as much to herself. “I’m sure I wasn’t the only girl from Bethel to give birth that month. I think it’s highly unlikely that this person is my...her.”

“I don’t know, Shelly. I had a feeling about her from the minute I laid eyes on her. She looks more like you than Darcie does.”

Michelle pressed a hand to her forehead. She was going to throw up. She walked across the room to the bar on the far side and poured a glass of water. If she didn’t have a meeting to get to, she’d have opted for something a lot stronger.

God, please, no. Not this.

Not now.

Not ever.

“What should I do, Shelly?”

“What should you do?” Michelle’s hands began to tremble. She bit back the only reply she could think of, returned to her desk, put down the glass and let out a sigh. Perspiration slid down her spine and soaked into her blouse. There was no other way to deal with this. Only one answer to give.

The past was signed, sealed and…delivered.

Across the room, an extravagant floral arrangement sat on a wooden cabinet. The heady scent of white roses and Stargazer lilies permeated the air. Kevin’s flagrant attempts to convince her of his true feelings were wearing her down. If he were to get wind of this…

Michelle made a fist and watched her knuckles turn white. “If you ever loved me at all, Mother, just forget all about this conversation. Get rid of the girl, whoever she is, and let’s not talk about this again. Ever. Please.”

Michelle heard her mother’s reticent sigh but refused to acknowledge it.

“She has a right to know where she came from.”

The almost whispered words jarred her. Was the woman deluded? Maybe she had Alzheimer’s.

“No, she doesn’t!” This would be the catalyst to finally drive her insane. Michelle glanced at the clock on her computer screen. She had a meeting in twenty minutes and she hadn’t finished the speech. “Look, whether you think this girl is the child I gave up for adoption or not, you need to leave it alone. I
gave her up
, Mother. I want nothing to do with her. Do you understand me?”

“But…she could be my granddaughter.”

“No. She
could have been
your granddaughter. You and Dad made your position on the matter perfectly clear. Or have you conveniently forgotten that? You can’t go back and fix the past.
Please
, don’t do this. Don’t tell her anything. I need your word on that. If this got out…”

“Is that the problem?” Her mother’s voice turned cold. “You’re worried about what people will think? How it would affect your career?”

“Yes, I am.” Old bitterness rose around her and wrapped Michelle in the thick cords she believed she’d cut loose from years ago. “Sound familiar?”

The silence that ensued allowed unwanted memories to flood back. Memories she’d thought she had so carefully locked away and forgotten. Cruel words, shouted through the dead of night, broken promises, and a legacy of rebellion.

“She’s gone through a lot,” her mother said quietly. “I think it would mean the world to her if she could just talk to you.”

“We’ve all
gone through a lot
, Mother. The answer is no.” Michelle made a big dark X on her legal pad, scratching the paper so hard she made a hole. “I have a meeting to get to.”

“We made mistakes, Shelly. Surely you can give me this one thing. A chance to put things right.”

“I don’t believe in second chances.” She had to get off the phone. Another minute and she’d lose it. “I don’t suppose you’ll honor my wishes and keep your mouth shut. But don’t expect me to attend the welcome home party. She’s dead to me. You got that, Mother? Dead.”

Chapter Seventeen

After a lengthily phone conversation with her father, Claire promised she’d drive down to Connecticut and spend her birthday with him. She wasn’t sure she was ready to stay for good, but she knew she couldn’t stay away forever.

She arrived late the night before her birthday, and the next day they went to her favorite restaurant for lunch, followed by a walk through the park.

“Are you really all right?” Dad took her arm and led her to a nearby bench. Claire rubbed her palms over her jeans, met his anxious gaze and nodded.

“I am.”

His eyes grew brighter almost at once.

Claire smiled at the relief she saw flooding over him. “I’m not drinking, and I’ve stopped taking the pills. I wasn’t sure I could do it at first. But I’ve been going to A.A. and with any luck and a lot of prayer, I’ll stay on track. I…well…I guess I let it all get control of me, Dad. I’m sorry.” She pushed up the sleeves of her cardigan, the sun warm.

“Now, Claire.” He took her hand in his, patting it like he used to when she was little. “You’ve been through so much, honey. It’s only natural that you would react the way you did.”

“No.” Claire grinned. “Getting high on pills and alcohol to avoid pain isn’t natural, Dad. It’s just stupid. I’m lucky I didn’t kill myself.”

“Well, I’m just grateful you were able to get help when you did. These people you’re staying with up in Maine…can we repay them somehow? Do they need anything?”

“You mean can you write them a big check? No.” Laughter caught in her throat, but a wave of sorrow chased it away. “They wouldn’t take it. I think they took on saving me like some mission from God. They’re very religious in a non-religious kind of way. I mean, they don’t bash you over the head with the Bible or anything, but you just…feel good when you’re around them.”

“Oh boy.” Dad groaned and dragged his hands down his face. “You’re not going to turn into one of those holy-roller types are you, sweetheart?”

“You never know.” She shot him a wink. “I don’t know, Dad. I guess I’m keeping an open mind. Okay?”

“As long as you’re healthy and happy, you can become a Tibetan monk for all I care.” His laughter told her he teased but Claire knew he’d never had much of a faith.

“I think everyone needs something to believe in, Dad.” She hesitated, hoping she wouldn’t upset him.

Claire held her breath as Dad leaned back against the bench, put his hands behind his head and set an amused gaze on her. “How’s that?”

“Well, I’m not sure. I felt guilty for a long time about so much, the miscarriages, my marriage. I felt like everything was my fault. But maybe I was too hard on myself. I’m not so sure God deals in guilt. If anything, I think He deals in forgiveness.”

At least that’s what Rick kept telling her. But for all his talk, Rick Matthews had his secrets. Claire knew he harbored deep emotion over something in his past and still battled his own pain. Maybe he’d received forgiveness from his Maker, but she doubted he’d tried giving out much of it to himself.

Dad looked thoughtful. “Maybe so, Claire.” He released a sigh and pinned her with
an enquiring gaze. “So, how is that husband of yours?”

Claire balled her fists and took a breath. “I’m not sure. We haven’t talked much since I left. A couple of emails here and there.”

“I hope you’re going to work things out.” Dad raised a bushy eyebrow and Claire snorted.

“Since when are you on his side?”

“He’s a good man. He loves you very much.”

Claire folded her arms and surveyed her surroundings. She and James had taken many walks through this park. Just across the pond, under the weeping willow, he’d dropped to one knee, pulled out a black velvet box, and proposed. It had been the happiest day of her life.

“I’m going to go see him. I don’t know what will come of it, I’m not sure I’m ready to come back here. I’d like to spend the rest of the summer in Maine. But we do need to talk.”

“Good. I hope it goes well. I just want the best for you, sweetheart.”

“I know.” Claire smiled. White clouds floated across the clear blue sky. She waited for the tension that would stiffen her neck and shoulders at the thought of being back here for good. But it didn’t come.

“I hope, at the end of summer, you’ll come back home. You belong here, honey, with us.” Her put an arm around her shoulder, pulling her in tight. “Claire, I need to apologize. For two things—first of all, I shouldn’t have sprung the news about Eleanor on you like I did. She and I talked, and we’re not going to rush into anything. She’s got her own place in town and we’re…dating. So, when you’re ready, we’d like to get together with you. But only when you’re ready.”

“Oh, Dad.” Claire shook her head. She was tired of ruining people’s lives. “I probably said some stupid things. It was a shock, yes. But if you’re happy, that’s all I care about. Honest. Make some plans for the fall. I’ll look forward to meeting her. And I’m sorry for
acting like a brat.”

“Nonsense.” Dad planted a kiss on her forehead, removed his arm and swiveled so he was directly facing her. “Now, the other thing.”

“You want another case of wine?”

Dad chuckled and shook his head. “I’ll let that one slide. This time. But listen…”

Claire swallowed down nerves at the serious expression he took on. His eyes came to rest on the locket around her neck and a brief smile touched his lips. Claire reached for the gold heart by habit. He’d given it to her on her sixteenth birthday.

“About your adoption…”

Claire raised a hand. “We don’t need to talk about it. I know I upset you. I’m sorry.”

“No. It’s your birthday and I’m sure you’re thinking about it today.”

“I always do,” she admitted somewhat reluctantly, not wanting to ruin their perfect day.

“I’m sorry.” His eyes glistened, his face more serious than she’d seen it. “I wasn’t willing to see things from your side, how much it meant to you, knowing where you came from.”

“Dad, it’s okay. Really.” Claire twisted her hands together. “I’m beginning to think the whole thing was a waste of time anyway.” If only Jessie had told her something tangible, something she could use. A stricken expression was hardly proof she was related to the Kellys.

“Did it really bother you, not knowing?” Dad almost whispered the question.

One of the adoption search websites she found had a saying, “
You existed before you were adopted
.”

Claire mulled that over for a very long time, and it stuck. What bothered her the most, tugged at her very core, latched on and refused to let go, was that according to everyone else,
she didn’t. She didn’t exist. All the days after her birth, before her adoption, she was simply the baby with no name, the baby nobody wanted.