Heartbeat (3 page)
I am such an idiot!
I want to bash my head into the door of the restroom stall but think better of it. The last thing I need is to make a public spectacle of myself when I already let my nerves get the best of me.
How can I just walk by her like that? Why didn’t I stop and at least say something…anything? No matter how stupid I might have sounded, it’s better than saying nothing at all. She must think I’m an insensitive jerk.
I didn’t even realize she was sitting there the whole time I was talking to Suzanne. She must have heard every word.
Good job at showing off your mad player skills, asshole.
I’ve never wanted to redo a moment in my life more than this one. This girl is something special, and I completely blew it.
***
We’re back in the ambulance after dropping her and her grandma off at the hospital. I can tell Charlie realizes how much she affected me.
“Next call we get, we’ll go right to General, okay? Maybe she’ll still be there, and you can talk to her some more. How does that sound?” Charlie asks.
I nod, giving him a small smile of appreciation. Charlie likes to bust my balls more than anybody, but he always has my back. During the endless amount of downtime on the job, we talk about everything. We’ve known each other for not even a year, but it feels like I’ve known him my whole life. He knows what I’m looking for, but he also knows my tendency to give up and walk away. Life doesn’t give many second chances, but Charlie is going to do everything in his power to give me one with her.
“I didn’t even ask her what her name is,” I sigh.
“Well, let’s look at the paperwork. I’m sure it’s here somewhere on the chart. Yeah, here it is. Katie Turner, age eighteen, same home address as the grandmother. Seems like a real sweetheart. And look at this. It lists their home phone number,” he says.
“I can’t call her, Charlie. I’d be breaking all of those confidentiality rules, and you know it,” I mutter.
“Nothing should stand in the way of true love,” he replies.
“Love? Well, let’s not go that far…yet.”
“Boy, let me tell you, you know it when you see it, and the way you lit up while talking to that girl…I haven’t seen you act like that since…well, ever.”
“I don’t know. What if she was just being nice? Trying to humor the dopey ambulance driver as he rambled on and on.”
“Adam, I don’t think so.”
“How can you be so sure? Are you some kind of expert?”
“No, you know I’m no expert. But I’ve been happily married for over twenty years. And Sandy is the best thing that ever happened to me. You can’t go through life all alone, kid. It’s not healthy, for anybody. If you’re around someone who makes you feel good, you have to go for it. Don’t hold back.”
“All right, well let’s just answer this call Tommy’s taking, and we’ll see if we can make our way back here, and we’ll see what happens. No promises.”
“That a boy.”
We speed off into the pummeling snow and make it back in record time. Not even thirty minutes have passed as we unload our latest accident victim at the ER dock. The family doesn’t even question our decision to take the patient to General. For once, luck is on my side.
“Tommy and I will take her back. You go up front and see if she’s still here,” Charlie says, with a wink.
“Thanks, boss,” I yell as I jog down the driveway and into the hospital.
My heart is pounding.
Please let her be here…please.
I quickly scan the area when Suzanne locks eyes with me.
Shit.
I don’t want to waste time humoring her, but politeness is my middle name. Not to be rude, I give her a tense smile and try to move her quickly through our usual banter.
The door keeps opening. It’s distracting me. I look up every time, hoping it’s not her walking out. I still can’t see if she is even here. I don’t see her dad anywhere. I have to get away from Suzanne…
like now.
I end the pleasantries as best I can and decide to wander along the back wall by the computer bank.
I lose my breath. There she is. Sitting all alone behind the partition. She was there the entire time. Did she see me? Does she know I’m right behind her?
Please turn around. Meet me halfway. Give me the courage I need to make this work.
But she doesn’t. She doesn’t move at all. It’s like I’m invisible. But she must have heard me talking to Suzanne. She’s within earshot. And she has to hear my footsteps coming toward her now. Why doesn’t she look up? Is she purposely ignoring me?
I’m not expecting this reaction, this rebuff. I felt such a connection to this girl back in the ambulance. Like I can talk to her about anything. I can be myself around her. Why is she acting so cold, so distant all of a sudden? What did I do to piss her off?
My mind floods with doubt. Indecision fills every fiber of my being.
Remember what Charlie said about second chances. Don’t throw this one away, too.
But I can’t bring myself to face her, to make the first move. Frustrated and annoyed by my lack of confidence, I slam through the door leaving her as I found her. All alone…
Grandma is cleared to go home. She is sore and a little stiff. The next couple of days will be tough, but once she gets through them she’ll be fine.
She needs help changing out of her hospital gown, and I notice the cardiac leads are still stuck to her. It frightens me seeing her so frail and helpless. I don’t even want to comprehend the idea of one day losing her.
She clings to my arm as we slowly amble down the hallway to the exit. Dad has already departed the scene saying he will bring the car around so Grandma won’t have to walk too far.
“Stay here, Grandma. Let me see if I can spot him,” I say.
I move outside to the sidewalk and look up and down the street. The wind is really picking up, and I tug my hood even tighter around my head.
Where is he? Of all times to play hide-and-seek…
The streetlights flicker as another gust rattles through the trees. I decide to walk up a little higher to see if he is by the ER door. Ducking my head against the wind, I pass the unloading dock. There is an unmanned ambulance parked there.
Is it Adam’s? Is he still around somewhere?
I look down at my scuffed boots. It figures I’d meet the guy of my dreams wearing the dorkiest clothing I own. I’m still not feeling fully recovered from my bout with the flu, and going to the movies with Grandma really didn’t inspire me to try to look my best. I have on a pair of ill-fitting jeans in a wash of denim I swear no one has worn since the 1980s. Thank goodness I kept my coat on the whole time instead of showing off my black button-down shirt with the silver embossed dragon on the back.
Why did I buy this shirt? What was I thinking?
Really, my fashion sense is off the charts.
A car up ahead has its headlights on and the motor running. It’s parked on the adjacent side of the street. As I get closer, I can tell it is Dad’s.
Way to meet us out front.
He’s like a mile away from where we said we’d meet. I love how he always pays attention to what I say.
I half-heartedly trudge up to the door and pound on the window. I can hear the automatic locks open, and I jump into the backseat of the much warmer car.
“What are you doing all the way up here?” I ask.
“I was watching, but I didn’t see you come out,” he replies.
“Obviously,” I respond. “Oh no, Grandma’s outside and she’s standing in all this wind. C’mon, let’s go.”
He quickly makes the turn and pulls up alongside the curb. Grandma squints against the snow pelting her in the face as she opens the front passenger door.
“It’s getting worse. We might have a couple inches on the ground if this keeps up,” she says, getting in.
“Well, I wish you didn’t have to come out in it at all, Grandma. You should’ve waited inside,” I remark.
“But I couldn’t see where you went, Katie. We’re downtown, and it’s after dark. I wanted to keep my eye on you,” she declares.
“Oh Grandma, I don’t think there are any muggers out on a night like this,” I suggest.
“You never know,” she asserts.
I have to laugh. I must be the most overprotected eighteen-year-old on the planet…or at least in the state of Pennsylvania.
Already bored with our chatter, Dad turns up the volume of the adult contemporary radio station he always listens to. Just what we are in the mood for—another Phil Collins-Elton John-Billy Joel marathon. Perfect.
“You know our insurance is going to go up, right?” he asks.
“Dad, don’t worry about it. As long as Grandma’s okay, that’s all that matters,” I say.
“Well, you’re not going to be the one paying the bill,” he snaps back.
“I’ll take care of it, all right, Johnny?” Grandma asks.
“And where are you going to get the money, Ma? Your Social Security check only stretches so far. And you’re going to get slammed being in an accident as an elderly driver. Our rates are going to go through the roof,” he says.
I tilt my head back against the seat and close my eyes.
Are all families this caring and compassionate, or is it only mine?
Everything’s about money with him—everything. I wasn’t at the top of my class when I graduated, and I didn’t have the best S.A.T. scores, so the scholarship offers that came in were few and far between, a couple hundred dollars here and there. Maybe enough to pay for one semester’s worth of books, but certainly not enough to finance an entire four-year college career. That ship sailed before it had a chance to leave the harbor.
So as all my classmates left the confines of small town life to pursue the next step in their lives in New York, Philadelphia, and even State College, I was left behind with nowhere to go.
I tried working in the daycare center near our house, but my poor immunity made my arrival amongst germ-filled hands and constantly running noses a feeding frenzy for every virus imaginable. I was knocked off my feet within a week, and the doctor recommended that I submit my resignation effective immediately.
So without a source of employment, I lack the freedom of having my own income. Being dependent on my father for food and board is a drain on my self-esteem. And he lets me know at every opportunity what a financial burden I am. I don’t work. I don’t contribute. I’m a parasite on his household. If Grandma didn’t continually step in and defend me, I don’t know where I’d be. She claims his method of tough love is to make me into a fighter who will be strong enough to survive in the real world. But will I ever be on my own in the real world? I doubt it.
As we turn into our driveway, the house is in total darkness. Our poor dog, Shelby, must be frantic. When no one is home, she hides downstairs. She doesn’t like to be alone in the dark.
The minute the car stops, I get out and head toward the howling I can hear coming from inside the house. As soon as Shelby sees me, she starts rapidly pawing my leg.
“It’s okay, girl. I’m here. Shhhh, I’m here,” I say.
She slobbers my face with kisses.
“Yes, I’m glad to see you too, Shelbs. Let’s take you outside,” I remark.
I grab her leash and hook it to her pink harness. She is raring to go, pulling me out the door.
I pass Dad and Grandma making their way upstairs.
“What are we going to have for supper, Ma?” he asks.
“Johnny, I’m in no shape to go cooking something now. We’ll have to order a pizza. Go call it in,” she answers.
“Great, more money. You know what that’s going to cost me to have it delivered? Nearly $15. I don’t have that kinda money to be spending on a tray of pizza,” he argues.
“Well, I don’t know what to tell you. It’s either that or starve,” she states.
“I’m not paying an extra delivery fee and then having to tip the driver on top of it. If we’re getting pizza, I’m sending Katie out to pick it up.”
“But the snow is still coming down, Johnny. It’s not a night for her to be out on the road.”
“She’ll be fine. And I’m sure she won’t get into an accident like you did.”
I take in a sharp breath.
How can he be so cruel?
Not wanting to listen to any more of his ranting, I urge Shelby to follow me into the storm. At least the snow will eventually come to an end, but the tumult inside my soul feels like it will rage through eternity.
I enter my apartment and collapse on the couch. My brain wants to turn off. I’m beat. Living in what people around here call ‘the country’ doesn’t make for a fun drive home. The narrow, single-lane road over the mountain is treacherous on a good day, never mind in the dark through a blizzard. Every last ounce of mental concentration I possess evaporates the minute I hit my driveway.
And it’ll start all over again in matter of hours. Facing a 5:00 a.m. alarm on a Sunday isn’t my favorite thing in the world. But I’m a grunt starting at the bottom of the totem pole. I have to pay my dues, and it sucks.
But I can’t relax. There is a pile of laundry waiting for me, and I still have to fix something to eat. Maybe I will microwave the leftover Chinese from last night? Sounds like a plan.
I stumble over to the kitchen, taking today’s mail with me. Flicking on the light, I thumb through it quickly. A few flyers addressed to previous tenants. Some bills, of course. Nothing of significance.
Since I moved back to Pennsylvania, I’ve become quite a hermit. I didn’t go home to the Philadelphia suburbs. Instead I picked a town where nobody knew who I was. I wanted a fresh start, free from any entanglements.
But in doing so, I literally cut myself off from the world. I slept. I ate. I went to work. I went to school. That’s about it.
My social life is practically non-existent. I keep in touch with my brother, Brian, and he comes up about once a month to visit me. But he has a serious girlfriend, Kelly, and while she doesn’t mind his weekends away, of course, she’d rather keep her eye on him. What’s funny about my brother’s relationship is that Kelly is about ten years older than him. Yet, go figure, it works. He’s sarcastic, and she’s a firecracker, so I guess they balance each other out.
Brian’s text messages are my link back to humanity. Texting is the most immediate form of long distance communication. And we put it to eloquent use.
I flip open my phone…yes, I still have a flip-top phone. Between tuition and paying the rent, I’m going to use it until it dies.
Where U at?
Watching a movie @ Kelly’s. U?
Just got home from work.
Is it snowin’ there?
Yep.
Here 2. Good excuse to cuddle up and…
Spare me.
Just cuz U get no action.
Well…
WHAT?!?
I rescued a girl today.
Hmmm…a damsel in distress?
Pretty much.
You eat that shit up.
No, seriously. I like her. But I think I blew it.
U couldn’t close the deal, could U?
U know me too well.
Man, U gotta grow a pair.
But I got her #.
U did? Then what’s the problem?
Charlie pulled it from a chart.
Oh shit.
Yeah, so I can’t use it.
Why not?
I didn’t even ask her what her name is & it’s against the rules.
So you’d be the psycho stalker?
Pretty much.
But U still have her digits. Think it over.
Will do.
Later, bro.
Yeah, later.
I stare at the number scrawled on my palm. Should I call her? Is it too late for me to make my move?
My phone beeps as another text comes through from Brian.
Dude, I didn’t wanna tell you this, but don’t go on Facebook.
Why?
Just don’t.
Well, thanks for nothing, asshole.
You’re welcome, douche bag.
What does that cryptic warning mean? Brian should really know me better. Any time he ever pulls the older brother thing with me, I always do the opposite.
I go over to my laptop and boot it up. What bombshell awaits me? I log on to Facebook and start scrolling through the feed. Bitching, moaning, complaining, bragging, it’s all here. Nothing unusual. Then I see it.
Congrats, April! I am so happy for you and Josh!!!! I better be invited to your wedding :)
My heart plummets as the messages from the friends I left behind in California continue one after another.
You guys are sooooo perfect for each other.
You got engaged?!? Awesome!
Oooooo, your ring is drool worthy....
I can’t take any more. Without even a second thought, I go to my settings page and close my account. I am done with that shit…for good.