Hanchart Land (18 page)

"Why?" he demanded again.

"I couldn't," she started. "You preferred to marry Shane rather than come to me with the truth?" he ground out angrily.

"It wasn't like that," she tried to explain, but he cut her off.     

“It seems pretty clear cut to me," he snarled." You thought you were martyring yourself for your brother, but all you were doing was falling in with Shane's plans. Maybe it’s just an excuse and you wanted to marry him all along."

"That's not true!" Susan exclaimed. "I never felt anything but contempt for Shane. Our marriage was nothing but a farce, a deliberate, calculated farce!"

"It seemed damned real to the rest of the world," he growled. "Maybe you were in on it, too. Maybe you're the sort of woman who gets her kicks out of playing games with people's lives."

"That's totally unfair!" she snapped, jumping to her feet and glaring at him angrily. "You're twisting everything into lies, just like Shane did!"

Luke was off the desk in a flash and grabbing her tightly by the arms. "Don't ever compare me to him," he warned darkly.

"Then don't ever call me a liar!" she shot back, her eyes sparkling with temper. "I told you why I married him and it's the whole truth, whether you like it or not. I was never in love with him or remotely attracted to him!"

"Then why the hell did you marry him without even trying to get to the truth?"

"Until this morning, I thought I knew the whole ugly truth. How could any normal human being suspect such an evil scheme?" she asked, and then continued. "I panicked. I admit it. I made a stupid, hasty decision I'll pay for the rest of my life. But at the time I didn't see any other way to protect Butch or avoid Shane's blackmail attempts."

They were both breathing harshly, their chests rising and falling with exertion, even though they didn't move an inch. Susan had never seen his eyes so dark and dangerous.

"Do you have any idea what it did to me to watch that film and know what you must have gone through to protect Butch?" he demanded roughly.

In the face of his anger, she didn't remind him of how tenuous their relationship had been back then. Their romance had still been so fragile, so pure and sweet she hadn't wanted to soil it with a confession on her brother's behalf.

"You could have come to me," he declared flatly. "I thought we had something special going," he continued, allowing her a tiny glimpse at his vulnerability. Then he released her, turned away and covered the emotion with anger.

"But you decided to let Shane get away with it all. You gave him the weapon he wanted. Now you expect me to believe you love me when you had so damned little faith in me back then."

Susan had no argument or defense against the truth. She hadn't realized Shane would use their marriage as a weapon against Luke. It had been purely selfish of her not to tell him the truth as soon as she'd learned it. Having that pointed out to her made her physically ill.

He had every reason to hate and mistrust her, and he certainly had reason to worry about making her the mother of his children. As desperately as she wanted a child, she knew she was the worst possible role model. Her experience as a responsible guardian was so sadly lacking. She’d never be able to trust her own judgment again.

"If it's any consolation, I hate myself more than you could ever hate me," she admitted, dropping her gaze to where her trembling fingers worried her wedding band. "I let everyone down; you, Butch, my parents. If there was a way to change the past, I'd gladly do it, but I can't." And he wasn't likely to forgive her anytime soon.

Luke's expression was a reflection of bitter anger and frustration. When he spoke, his voice was harder than she'd ever heard it. "None of us can change what's already done. We'll just have to live with the consequences."

Susan dared a glance at his features. Was one of the consequences his inability to accept her love? Would he never be able to trust her as completely as she trusted him?
Or
worse, would the truth destroy any budding feelings he had for her? The physical desire? The marital commitment?

She had to know. "Do you want me to pack and leave?" she forced herself to ask.

He swung around, scowling fiercely. "What the hell do you mean?"

Sobs climbed from her chest, and Susan couldn't force another word past her tightly constricted throat. Her eyes searched his for direction. Was he ready to give up on their marriage? She wouldn’t blame him.

"This doesn't change anything between you and me," he said when understanding dawned. "We married for better or worse, remember? I meant it when I said I'd never let you go."

Relief flooded over her. If he thought she wanted to leave him, he was badly mistaken. Despite his disgust, she wasn't ready to give up on their relationship. He might not want her love, but that wouldn't lessen it. She desperately needed a chance to redeem herself. She needed to earn his love and trust, and maybe repair some of the damage to her own self-esteem in the process.

The knowledge of the long, hard battle ahead of them made her incredibly weary. Too much tension and too little sleep added an edge of unreality to the situation. She felt weepy and distraught.

Without another word, she turned and left the room.

He didn't follow.

Chapter Ten

The next few weeks passed in a haze of worry for Susan. Luke worked from daylight to dusk and sometimes around the clock. She knew he had a lot of work to be done and was short of help, but she also knew he wanted to avoid spending time with her. Watching him exhaust himself broke her heart, but not as much as knowing he could barely stand the sight of her.

She spent nearly as much time with the mares until all the new foals were born. She exercised the horses and rode daily, trying to wear herself out so she could get some sleep at night. In high school, she’d loved riding and had competed in horse shows as well as the annual rodeo. With so much time on her hands, she spent it training Luke’s horses for pleasure and show riding.

At night, when they fell into bed together, Luke pulled her into his arms, but she knew the sex was more of a physical release for him than the pleasure it should be. He kept himself under such rigid control she sometimes wondered why he bothered.

Gone were the hours of sensual exploration. Gone to be replaced by very carefully controlled sex. He was an experienced lover, so his loving never left her body unsatisfied, yet her heart bled each time he took her into his arms.

It wasn't hard to keep her days filled with work and activity, but sleep never came easily, even when she was physically exhausted. She didn't want to suffer another collapse so she did her best to eat right and rest when possible.

She spent endless hours wondering what, if anything, she could do to earn his trust, to break through the barriers he'd erected around his heart. She never criticized him and made no demands. She kept telling herself to be patient, but nothing seemed to work. It was torture to be so close to him, close enough to reach out and touch him, yet know he wouldn't welcome any overtures from her. His attitude didn't invite intimacy of any kind.

Sometimes she ached for kisses that expressed a deeper hunger than the physical. She longed to snuggle closer to his big, warm body, yet dared not make a move lest she invite another rejection.

She walked on eggshells and slept restlessly at night, wondering how long she'd have to continue to pay for her past mistakes. How long was a long enough sentence for crimes of the heart? For not having enough faith in Luke when it had meant the most? How long would it take to renew his faith in her? In them? In their relationship?

Did he want out of their marriage? Was he already regretting his vows of ‘til death? He’d sworn he didn’t want to end their marriage, but had he changed his mind? Did every day bring them closer to the end? Susan didn’t know how she could bare losing him, but she didn’t know how much longer she could bare his indifference.

She braced herself daily in case he decided to throw her off the ranch. She didn’t know how she would handle a separation, let alone a divorce, but she never wanted to be destitute again. She called a lawyer for advice and tried to make some plans for a future without Luke or the Hanchart name. She had a lot of restitution to make for past mistakes, but no money to do it, so she had to find another way.

Day after day, her nerves got more frayed, and she found herself growing weepy at the slightest provocation. Luke lost weight, and Rosa fussed over both of them. Neither had much of an appetite, and it was obvious they weren't sleeping well.

On one occasion, John commented that they both looked like hell. They shrugged it off as part of the busy season on the ranch. That much was true. Since the firing of Rod Matthews, they’d been shorthanded and it was a hard time of year to hire extra help.

To make matters worse, the work was hindered by more than the usual problems with livestock and equipment. Gates were unaccountably left open and equipment developed mechanical failures.

Before long, it became evident someone was trying to sabotage their efforts to keep the ranch running smoothly. Susan suspected one or both of the Matthews men was responsible, but she never voiced her opinion. She didn't know if Luke had the same suspicions or what he planned to do about it.

She heard through Rosa that gossip was rampant in Monroe about a fight between Rod and his uncle. The senior Matthews was threatening to disinherit him if he didn't make some lifestyle changes. It sounded like a repeat of what had happened between John and Shane.

Susan rarely left the ranch, so she never saw Rod and never heard the rumors herself. She was just relieved something besides her marriage had captured the community's attention. She'd never enjoyed being the object of gossip, and her relationship with Luke was too fragile to subject to more criticism or ridicule.

Her initial hope that she might be pregnant was dashed with the onset of her period. Considering the instability of their marriage, Susan decided to go on birth control. She desperately wanted a child and knew Luke did, too, but she didn’t want to bring a baby into the world without knowing he or she would have two loving parents who were in a secure, committed relationship.

Luke’s cousins kept their distance, and she was grateful. She felt guilty for not wanting any of them around, she usually enjoyed spending time with the kids, but there was just too much tension in the family. John occasionally asked her and Luke to join him on outings, but they always refused.

Six weeks passed before things started to slow down a little, and Luke started spending more time at the house. Susan wondered if he was finally coming to terms with his initial anger and frustration. She hoped he was getting it all out of his system so they could give their marriage a real chance, but she never really knew what he was thinking or feeling.

Their conversations were limited to ranch business and the care of the mares. Since handling the horses was her only asset, she felt she was repaying some of her debt to him with long hours and hard work. Her contribution might be woefully inadequate, but she was determined to do her best.

Then late one afternoon she was exercising Mariando when she heard gunshots. Luke and Juan were clearing a felled tree from a field on the east side of the property and the sounds originated from that direction. She wondered what type of trouble had erupted. Gunshots weren't a totally foreign sound on a working ranch. They were sometimes troubled by predators after livestock, but it was unusual for a weapon to be fired unless the staff was alerted to the cause before hand.

Deciding to investigate, she turned Mariando in the direction of the field where they were working. She heard additional shots and began to worry. It took her only a few minutes to reach the cluster of vehicles at the edge of the pasture where she was waved to a halt by Juan.

"What's up?" she asked, pulling Mariando to a stop as he approached.

His response was curt and rough with concern. "We've got a shooter."

Susan's eyes widened. "Someone shot at you while you were working?" she asked in amazement. It sounded like a scenario out of the old west. She’d never heard of such a thing in their quite community.

"It's a lone man with a high-powered rifle. He waited until I'd pulled the truck over here to unload some tree limbs, and then pinned Luke down behind what's left of the tree."

For an instant, when his words sunk in, she stopped breathing. Luke! Someone was using him for target practice! She couldn't draw air into her lungs. Fear lanced her. The thought of him being in danger brought a rush of sick dread.

Her gaze flew across the open field. Several of their men had congregated in a small copse of trees, but the fallen tree was nearer the center of the field, a hundred or so yards from any other protection. Two sides were wide-open pasture, but a rocky ridge bordered the other two sides and formed an arc around Luke's location. He was effectively trapped.

"Someone's on the ridge?"

"Yeah. He's been taking shots at Luke, and he's slowly moving down the ridge to circle around to where he can get a clean shot."

"You can't drive out there and get him?" she demanded, voice rising with anxiety.

"I tried, but he shot the windshield and one tire out of the truck. He’s damned good with that rifle. Luke told us to stay back. Wilcox wanted to ride out, but it’s too risky."

"Luke's armed?"

"No. His rifle's in the truck."

Her heart sank. Without a weapon, he couldn't keep the shooter at bay. "What's his plan?"

Juan's expression tightened. "We called the sheriff, and he's sending a helicopter. Luke doesn't want this guy to get away. A couple of our men are trying to circle around behind him on the ridge, but our best bet is the 'copter."

Another shot rang out and their attention shifted to the field. Bark flew from the tree trunk, so close to Luke's head that Susan’s teeth clenched in fear.

Her tone was grim. "In the meantime, he’s just going to stay out there like a sitting duck while this guy moves close enough to get a clean shot?"