Gone By (16 page)

For the moment she was perplexed. Her eyes seemed narrower, whereas her lips widened to smile out slowly.

“Was I incoherent with my words?” my subconscious mumbled at me.

“Let’s go” she agreed to my offer.

We proceeded with our steps leading towards the school canteen.

“What’s your hobbies?”.

“Well, I love reading books, travelling is one of my favourite. Spend time with friends. And of course cooking” said Anannya.

“ That’s wonderful interest” my voice hissed softly.

“What about you”.

“ Nothing much unlike your choices. But, yes I love music, reading books one of my favourite pass time....also loves to write.... playing outdoor games”.

Finally, we were there at the canteen hall. We took a table that was empty at one corner. She shifted her chair to take the seat. I took the other one right before her facing oppositely at each other. I glanced at the menu card.

“ So, what do you want to have”.

“Anything you order” she said with no objections.

A cold coffee and some pancakes along with some toast of bread were the items I read out for the waiter which he was noting on a chit of paper.

“ You know I had a doubt that you were perhaps first time in this place” said Anannya.

“How could you unconcealed that”.

“It tells in your face”.

“Oh! So now you can read people’s mind. Is that so”. She laughed and her eyes shrunk.

“No..I didn’t say I can read mind” she replied.

The waiter brought our order and served us smoothly. Anannya’s face showered with glow which reflected her innocent vibes. Nothing bothered me more than her at that moment. I was thoroughly in deep connection with her. Her every words, every lines made me felt very vibrant. She spoke more through her eyes than she could words out through her sweet voice. She was a kind of girl that I would not want to miss her the rest of my life. I constantly maintained my gaze on her face. No...it’s not her beauty...not anything that physically relates but it was her heart that took me away with no strength and control on myself.

“Why are you staring at me like that” She squinted taking a sip of cold coffee.

“I don’t know” said I.

“You must be thinking about someone” Anannya added her voice.

“No..I was thinking that you are sitting before me and........”.

“And what?” she demanded.

“And nothing” in my casual notation.

“So, do you have a girl friend” she grinned.

I took a sip of my cold coffee and a smooth bite of pancakes.

“No..I’m all alone” I answered.

“Why..didn’t you find someone”.

“Love happens without knowledge. We fall randomly. We fall for the one which has the least chance to be yours”.

“ Did something happened to you earlier” Anannya said with her soft tone.

“No”.

“Who was she then?” she inquired.

“Well, I can see her reflection under this roof. Her words I can feel reaching my heart. She’s more or less somewhat like you”.

“Somewhat like me. What does that mean?” She intended to know.

“Many things resembles with you. She almost looks like you, her voice somewhat same pitch as yours”.

Anannya nodded her head which pulsated her. “You must be missing her then”.

“No..I get to see her everyday”.

“Are you being presumptuous?” she protested.

“ Not at all”.

“What’s her name?”.

“ Why are you so curious to know” I grinned.

“ Well, you can keep to yourself then” she smiled with a blink of an eye.

How could I say her that I was in love with you. My voice shuddered for a while, with no idea how should I proceed our conversation now. Indeed I shouldn’t falter at whatever I ‘m here to speak
.

Imagine how a man’s mind must be enduring the cost of such solitude within himself even though he knew the one whom he love but trembled to bow down before her with the true confession. At most she can be only a guiding light like that happens in dreams. Which was just the case with me. Even though I knew I was in Love with Anannya my decision never appealed to hurt the other person with whom she was in love. Every time I spoke within myself I thought of letting her be happy with whomever she may be, in fact she deserved better. If my love was meant to be true a small sacrifice from my part wouldn’t go in vain.

“What’s wrong.... are you thinking something” Anannya interrupted.

“I think we can move out”.

The bill was paid on the waiter’s hand before we stepped out of the canteen.

“Had wonderful time with you today”.

“Yeah! That was incredibly good” I said.

We walked back to our class room. I could realize that she hardly spoke about her boyfriend. Indeed, she generally happened to be a girl who least intend to boast about their boyfriend but she was rather conservative about her relationship status. Even I haven’t put much stress in the topic. I felt it would be wise enough to let her know about me rather knowing whom she already knew. “So, where did you do your schooling” asked Anannya.

“Somewhere far away from here. Far beyond this boundary....to say I completed my 10
th
standard from Darjeeling”.

“You seemed to be very quiet guy”.

“Yeah! A sort of thoughtful introvert I say to myself”.

“ So, You like praising yourself with your qualities”.

“Of course not but I feel” I said.

“Well, that’s not a bad thing. You should know yourself” she said casually.

I walked through the aisle of our classroom, I handed over her bag. Indeed it was time for us to depart. One can surely feel the charisma of being with the one whom you love but who knew that charisma may be temporary. The euphoria of being together would fade within moment.

“Will she remember me the next day” my inner thought fumbled.

My heart began to fear, my eyes started to trim its vision. All I knew I was in love with her.

“ So your Dad comes to pick you back” I said with soft tone.

“Yeah!...”. We walked out of the school building.

“Well, then see you tomorrow” she said and departed.

I stood waiting there for our bus to reassemble for all other students. Finally I was back home. Maybe I was thriving out of joy inside my heart. The only possible reason could be that Anannya had taken the time to spent the day with me at school. Who knew this could be the last and first forever. Yet then I was happy that day.

It’s risky falling in love. At first it brings the euphoria of complete love reforms into your heart. We begin to think about the person we fall for. And when we miss we feel like an addict to her, willing to take any sort of risk for the cause of love. What a horrible way to put it. And when the love is gone from hand, you begin to realize your inner demons,  rendering to calm down your heart with thorough grief and sufferings. Maybe this was just the case with me. I began to think about Anannya knowing the fact she has someone in  her life now. I couldn’t redirect to constrain from it and to go against myself. I had to keep my feelings secret about her from the world except for me. All I was waiting for a miracle to take place every day, a day when I would unconcealed the words from my heart to her. By now I’ve learned to live my life enduring the cost of pain in love. I began to accept for what I was. I started believing in myself. Began to learn the spirit of love and faith. Every day it was not the same I could feel. The burden of pain and sorrow gradually diminished, although the love for Anannya never went away. So strong feelings of acquaintance dwelt in my heart for her. I knew it was difficult for me to replace her from my inner core. That’s the only love with strong desperation that I could ever want in my life. Ever before I never felt like this. Who knew my heart would attached to such a beautiful soul whom I never thought in my dream. But now she was the real one. Her name whirled around on my mind, it whispered Anannya that sounded like the melody strand coming out of a nightingale bird. I had to accept myself to self satisfy my heart just by only seeing her at every hour of my school. Whereas she would be sharing her love with her boyfriend. I would tell myself not to worry about it, someday if she knows that I love her with my whole heart then there would come a change in our destiny. I just pretended to be a classmate for the years to be passed. Our interaction gap gradually began to grew wider. She started spending more time with her boyfriend. No hard feelings for that
.
If love was meant for them they have the right to share their feelings and emotions. She knew who was I now. That’s all I wanted to let her know for the moment. It’s better we should stay apart for the time than being like an unknown stranger. Someday the closeness shall wind us together. And that day I shall be waiting to see. I dreamt about her every night, every morning which gave me the rays of new hope thinking I would see her again at school. When she goes absent I run short of blood in my heart. That day would definitely go worst since the first period. Somehow, I would manage to complete my school time. When I would return back home the loneliness calls out. The land of solitude fills up with air of love. Anannya has now become a dream to me. My day began with her name and ended with her name. The first thought of my day was she and the last before I would go to sleep. I would go sleepless nights thinking about the next day where she would rise before my eyes. The only place I would get to see her was our school. That shared me the best moment I could ever nourish in my heart. I did used to smile when she enters through the classroom door. Didn’t matter to me if her boyfriend walked alongside her cause I knew I was in love with her. I could just listen to my heart not the words I spoke out. Days passed on, my innocent face began to adapt the situations every day. So within few months it was no more a new thing to me. It was a familiar scene before my eyes. In fact I considered it as an opportunity to develop myself as a better person. The faith and trust in the love I had never faded away which kept me on with the believe that someday she would be mine. I went crazy with everything about her. What would I do? No idea where I landed but these days my heart beat for her. Once it used to pump for me but now it was for Anannya. She had now become the breath and life giving support for me. I was satisfied with myself as I could see her everyday at school.

Eleven

................

The morning hour passed on. It was deep afternoon by now. I glanced at my wrist watch. The watch signalled 12:30pm. My diary laid open on my bed with my pen on hand being seated comfortably on bed. I could sense for moment there was no sign of call from Isha neither I remembered her as I had been deeply engrossed in my writing. I decide to call for her. I grabbed the landline quickly and dialled her room phone connection.

“Hello” her voice hissed out.

“Hey! Are you ok?” with lot of concern in my voice.

“Yes..I’m absolutely fine enough. What’s wrong?” She inquired.

“Nothing..I was thinking about you....”.

“What were you thinking about me” her tone gets louder.

“I just wanted to know if are you fine”.

“Oh! C’mon..you are dreaming. Are you thinking me as Anannya” she scoffed.

“What...... that’s ridiculous..why would I do that”.

“Well, we shall move out at sharp 5:00pm”.

“That’s makes a sense”.

“You’re stupid my boy” she grinned and dropped the call.

“Wow! That was not cool” as I placed the receiver back.

I thought of continuing my diary to write on. I planned once again back to my original posture holding on my pen and the diary before me. I thought for a moment with deep breath and my left hand fiddling on my chin stressing hard to recall some fractured memories about the past. I kind a got disfigured on my phase of thinking. I thought it was more appropriate to make the necessary call to Isha hence I did made the call. Finally I could collect some broken memories on my head to penned down on my diary. I began to throw out the ink from the nib which finally took shape of a paragraph with my words.

How I wished again for another day where Anannya would come to spend one more of her valuable time with me. But perhaps now it had become quiet unrealistic for us even to talk. Only my eye gestures were alive. But she began to neglect those rays of sight. Indeed it was right from her part. I shouldn’t indulge much into her as she needed to spent more time with her boyfriend rather than me desiring her love. All of the things I had inside my heart for her began to disrupt. My casual behaviour changed. In fact, frustration over shadowed me. I was completely under the influence of some heart ache that appeared very devastating in my life at that moment of my time. Neither I could have the time just like the other boys who were out of such delirium. Only my school hours gave me the best time of the day not because of any other reason I had but it was the love for Anannya. But now even though I was shattered into million pieces of broken vibes I had to disguise myself as a free living creature who in search of new glory upon his love whom he strictly cared for. Sometimes, pathetic thoughts rumbled on my head with fear.