Gone By (19 page)

His eyes turned very reminiscing. His face appeared to be nostalgic.

“Back in my days...I never feared to confess” he added his voice.

I smiled looking at his face. He seemed very energized with his words. It felt like he desperately wanted me to confess my love before her. But the case after that wouldn’t be the same.

“I know it’s difficult to regulate but one day or the other you have to tell...else you’ll keep regretting your whole life” he said.

“I understand your concern sir but the thing is not in my hand right now. It may happen I may lose her”.

“No, Son..we don’t lose anyone by loving. It’s the destiny that decides your life. It’s the faith and trust that we must keep our hope on it”.

“What if she rejects me back” I added my voice.

“Doesn’t matter. Behind every rejection there’s a reason. Rejection does not mean she will never love you. It’s the state of the heart that speaks at that moment”.

“What if her state of heart never changes for me”.

“That can’t never happen. Someday she will think of you again. And that time she will be very desperate to see you” said the guard.

Our conversation kept lasting for hours. The programme was yet to get over.

“Take your time and make her feel the awareness that you care for her” the guard said politely.

I just nodded my head sitting beside him on that bench. I looked at the time, it was about 12:30pm. The place where we were seated had a wonderful shades of tress that stood tough along a series of line.

“Where do she stay” he asked.

“Somewhere..near that super market area” with sort of unsure tone.

“Since when you have been in love with Anannya”.

“From the first day I saw her walking through a long stretched corridor” with my gentle tone. “So, it’s love at first sight”.

“I don’t know” my voice giggled. The guard stared at me for a while. And I could figure out that he had some sort of sentimental memories that flashed in his mind.

“You know Son I fell in love only once. But I loved her so much that even if she tended to forget me she won’t be able. That’s the strong force of love that I had for her”.

“ I can see that in your eyes” said I.

“I still love her a lot. I still have her photograph in my wallet”.

“So your wife knows about it. You carry a picture of her still”.

“Yeah! She knows everything about her”.

“That’s lovely” I said softly. I kept waiting there unleashing my strong force of emotions accompanied by our school guard. Both of us in moody to take our term of conversation little more.

“I can exactly know how much you love her” said the guard.

My lips pressed hard and the palm of my left hand ran through my left cheek. I shrugged “Yes! I do love her a lot”.

“I loved the guard” Isha interrupted.

“What was there in him” I shrugged.

I took a glance at my diary where Isha was penning all my narration. I could finally see my dream approaching closer to me. All my lost words refilling back in my life. The forever love words being engraved into pages and volumes for lifetime. All my memories will no more be a memory but a set of life experience for the upcoming days I would be spending.

“That guard had the courage to confess his love and you were like an Idiot” Isha giggled.

“Oh! C’mon now Isha..stop kidding. You know Anannya had a boyfriend how could I interfere myself in their intimacy” said I.

“Ok! I was just kidding. Don’t be serious” she said.

“Sometime you make me really go fussy” I grinned.

She laughed and looked at my face. She tended to imitate me.

“You know you’re a great fool” she said.

“I know, I’m a fool for saying I’m in love with Anannya”.

She made face at me. And gave a light cruel look at me. But she tended to make a fun out of me. She broke out into laugh again.

“Why are you laughing so much”.

“You should have a look at mirror once” she said.

“Why that so”.

“You face turned really foolish and brutal. It turned dull and the gleam faded away” Isha squinted.

“So that made you laugh”.

“Not that exactly..I was recalling the time we had in Mumbai along that arc of Marine drive” her voice softly whispered.

She finally dragged herself into that scene of nostalgic scenario. Her face completely drown into some fractured memories we had.

“Remember we got wet” she jerked her voice.

“Yeah! The roars of waves finally attacked us with that huge wave and we were wet”.

She peeked her eyes  and gazed very softly at me. I couldn’t control her rays that fell on me. I began to stare at her. For the moment I stopped narrating my story. Her eyes began to fill with charm that could be seen flying away from her eye lashes. She slowly lowered her eyes directing towards the open diary that laid open on her lap.

I managed to look away from her captivated spell. The breeze came in and flew away shimmering our souls. We felt the evening got deeper and deeper. We thought of returning back to hotel. We began to follow our steps. She handed me the diary. She walked by my side and we added our steps together.

“ Can you ever forget Anannya?” Isha hissed softly.

“No..it’s not possible at all”.

“I know it’s completely printed in your heart. Moreover it’s a love” her voice slightly got depressed.

“What’s wrong Isha”.

“Nothing..I’m good being alone” with slight harsh tone.

“I understand your family problem, but I can’t come up to fix it”.

“It’s not about my family”.

“Then what it’s about” with my raised tone.

“It’s about me and you”.

I halted suddenly on the spot. I stood dazzled momentarily with my nerves circulating blood hard. She stopped some steps ahead of me.

“What did you just say” my voice demanded hard.

She pretended to be unheard. I slowly marched closer to her.

“What did you just say” I repeated again standing before her with firm and steady look at her face.

Passersby gazed at us, some went with sort of confused look at us. Some went with no head of attention on us. We were straight in the middle of subway. I could sense some thought us as Boyfriend and Girlfriend at the hitch of break up.

“I’m in love with you” said Isha without halting a second thought of it.

“Isha you’re out of your mind. You need to take rest. Lets walk on. We shall talk about it tomorrow” I said softly.

We geared to make our moves again. I could see the dejected appearance on Isha’s face. She was unwilling to make any sort of gesture. The silence walked along with us. She walked a distance away from me and I followed her steps. In fact she was not willing to talk to me. We needed to cross the road onto the other side. I never knew Why she felt this intimacy so serious. This was not at all so call love. The compassionate curiosity took birth within her heart. But my heart would never feel it’s comfort to accept such passions of curiosity from her. We walked on with no voice of words between us. Finally, we reached the entrance of our hotel. She didn’t even bother to look back at me. She just collected her room key and walked off leaving me deserted alone. Was my behaviour so rude to her, I began to think and perceive what was wrong. It’s the same thing now she will go through just like me. I can’t fall in love again. Just because I had been here to help her she can’t exercise such emotive involvement between us. I collected my room key. She slid up by the other elevator few seconds earlier. And I pressed the button of my floor. The elevator slid higher and stopped at directed floor. The door opened sliding side wards. I firmly took my step and marched forward. I propelled my legs towards her room. My voice masked for the moment and stood calmly before her door. I connected a knock at her. My fist slowly knocked again at her door.

“Isha open up...look I can explain the thing” my voice shrilled.

I had been knocking for more than a number of times.

“Give me a chance to explain the thing” I begged once again.

But she denied to open up. “Just go away... I don’t want to talk about it” she screamed.

I stood quiet and silent with my nerves running with heated blood. I headed back to my room just adjacent to her. I stood in storm of hearty attributes with highly raised waves that were thrashing me from all sides. Completely parted away from all sides I almost felt I was lost in deep ocean. Now that I had no option leaving back to my institution rather than teaming up with Isha. How could I let myself fall into one more trap which would finally bring my soul out of my body. It’s not about love, it’s my heart ache which I had been suffering after falling in love. And now she feels pity on me that’s doesn’t make any sense to me. Moreover she said it’s between me and you, I can’t just join my heart with no truth in it. I could love only one girl and that’s Anannya and now just I have my life to live until I get married to someone unknown. I sat on my bed. My head faced towards the ground. Suddenly it turned dark before eyes and everything went off. My head rested on my hands which were folded on my thighs. My eyes closed and the only thought that rendered me was Anannya not her. I opened my eyes and stood upright. I undressed myself and sat again to explore my diary. As I opened the diary the first page that flipped was the handwriting of Isha that floated before my eyes. For a while I closed my eyes, gathered the strength to look at it. I turned the next blank page and settled my pen on it. No clear cut thought for the moment where I would let my heart go. Is it the tremendous love of Isha for me or the immense addictive love of Anannya.

“Why such awkward situation acted on me” my inner subconscious troubled a question before me. I accumulated the power to redirect myself and began to write again from where it was stopped.

I was still waiting for the event to get over. The guard accompanied me the whole hour. Finally I could see students coming out of the gate. My face gleamed with joy.

“Go..you can see her now” said the guard.

“No..I‘ll wait for her here”.

“It’s your choice” said the guard and walked off for his duty.

I kept waiting for her. But this time I was all alone sitting on that bench. Finally I could take a sight of her. She looked very happy. Moreover from my distance she was looking extremely gorgeous. Her serene face and calm nature added to her simplicity. I was completely seduced by her looks at that very moment. I stood up on my legs as she came closer and nearer towards my side. I gathered some decisive and charming thoughts in my mind. As she approached near “Hey! Anannya”.

“Hey! You were not there. Where were you?” she inquired.

“I thought of not attending the show. Just spent time somewhere in a restaurant”.

“It was awesome”.

“I know.. it would be and yes of course your dance was fantastic”.

“Was it so..but how come...you were not there” she said.

“I saw the early morning”.

“Yeah...yeah! I forgot about that”.

“I was lucky enough at least I got to see your dance” I shrugged.

“You’re such an Idiot. You should have enjoyed the show” her tone got louder.

“Yeah! I thought but then I felt like walking off out”.

“So, you coming tomorrow” she asked.

“Where”.

“I mean school”.

“Oh! Surely..why not”.

“You know..he performed today” with an inquisitive tone she said.

“Who”.

“My boyfriend Avick”.

“Oh! Yeah! Yeah!..he’s excellent singer..I appreciate him”.

“I too” she smiled.

“Hey! I don’t know should I say this or not but..I just want to say it”.

“What” she waited.

“You’re looking beautiful today”.

“Oh! Gush!!!!!! Why are you hesitating to say. ..and thanks”.

I nodded my head and stood stable before her.

“Hey! My dad is waiting for me. I shall have to go now. See you tomorrow” she waved her hand and walked away towards her car.

I raised my hand and waved her back. I stood watching there. She clunk the door and got inside the car. The car accelerated and swept away in front of my eyes. She gave a last glance of the day. I smiled back which went unnoticed by her. I thought of walking back to my home now. That day it was different from the rest for the days. I could grabbed some of my friends heading back home. I joined and accompanied them. On my way there were lots of gossips between our pals. But I was completely lost into different world. A world where I started dreaming of love and affection. A world between me and Anannya, I imagined on my mind and I continued to walked along with the others. Every single steps I put on the ground it stood hard and stiff and the rush of blood line began to flow with no lame within my heart. One of my friend asked me “What’s wrong with you today. You seemed to be very happy”.

I thought of concealing it from others until I become sure of what I was for. I had to hide the inner truth of my heart.