Give Me a Reason (5 page)

“Glad to see you found us!” Kris called out over the chatter
and the music.

“Yeah. This is quite a place!” Laura shouted back.

“What are you drinking?”

“Red wine. Something dry.”

Giving Laura a thumbs-up, Krista grabbed a bottle and two
glasses, and walked to the end of the bar. Waiting for Laura to emerge from the
crowd, she led her down a hallway and into a small office. Kris motioned toward
a loveseat placed along one wall, and as they sat down, she said, “I thought it
would be easier to talk in here. Less noise.”

“That’s fine,” Laura said, glancing around the room.

“Here you go.”

Taking the offered glass, Laura said, “Won’t your boss mind
you drinking while on duty?”

“No,
I
don’t mind at all.”

“Wait. This is your club?”

“Actually, it belongs to Toni and me.”

“Excuse me?”

Amused by Laura’s bug-eyed expression, Kris said, “It was
always my dream to own a club and Toni knew it. When this place became
available, I told her about it and she offered to loan me the money to buy it.”

“Wait a minute. Are you saying that Toni’s rich?”

“Well, not stinking rich, but she inherited quite a tidy sum
when her grandfather died. Between that and the money she made from her books,
along with a few wise investments early on, she’s fairly well off.” Prepared
for Laura’s look of confusion, Kris said, “Let me guess. You want to know why
she dresses the way she does, don’t you?”

“I was kind of wondering about that. I mean, I know she’s
withdrawn—”

“
Withdrawn
doesn’t even
begin to describe her,” Krista said. Taking a sip of wine, she said, “Toni
doesn’t trust anyone but me and to a certain extent, Canfield. And she’s got
this phobia about crowds and strangers that makes it impossible for her to go
out, which is why I do all of her shopping and errands.”

“So why not get her some new clothes or a new car? It sounds
like she can afford it.”

“I’ve tried, but she doesn’t
want
anything new because she doesn’t want to leave behind anything…unnecessary.”

“What do you mean?”

Kris lit a cigarette, drawing the smoke into her lungs as she
leaned back into the cushions. “When Toni got out of that place, I brought her
home with me. The next morning, I thought I’d treat her to her favorite
breakfast, so I went to a bakery and picked up some pastries. When I got back,
I found her in the bathroom...trying to cut her wrists.”

“What!” Laura shouted, jumping to her feet. “Oh, Jesus
Christ, Krista! Are you
completely
mad? You
asked me to go back into her classroom, knowing that if she gets angry—”

“Relax, Laura.”

“
Relax
? How the fuck am I
supposed to relax? I can’t bloody believe you!”

“Look, I know how it sounds, but you need to trust me. I’ve
spent the last two years taking care of her, and even though I know she
thinks
she wants to die, she truly doesn’t.”

In an attempt to slow her heart rate, Laura took several deep
breaths as she paced around the room. After a few minutes of mumbling to
herself, she returned to the couch and drank what was left of her wine.
Glowering at the woman sitting next to her, she placed the empty glass on the
table. “You had better start explaining yourself, and I mean now!”

It had been a long time since she had really thought about
that day, and even though she could feel her emotions beginning to stir, Kris
struggled to get the words out. “Well, like I...like I said, she tried,
but...but she didn’t get very far. When I found her, there were only a few
hesitation cuts, but nothing deep enough to do...to do...to do any real
damage.”

Seeing that the woman was on the verge of tears, Laura
reached out and took her hand. “Kris, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked for an
explanation. I know you’re her friend, and I’m sure that you think you know her
better than anyone, but I can’t risk—”

“I found her huddled in the corner of the shower,” Kris said,
snatching her hand away. Determined to get Laura to help, Kris angrily wiped
the tears from her face. “The water was absolutely freezing, and she was just
sitting under the spray, shivering. She didn’t even realize I was there until I
reached over and took the razor blade away from her.”

“Did she try to stop you?”

“Not at all,” Kris said, shaking her head. “It was as if she
was in a trance. It didn’t seem like she even knew she was hurt. I managed to
get her out of the shower and wrap her in a towel. I was worried about her
wrists and getting her warm, so I wasn’t paying attention to anything else. It
wasn’t until I was helping her get dressed when I saw the scars.”

“Scars? On her wrists?”

“No, on her back...they’re all over her back,” Kris said in a
whisper. “And when she realized that I had seen them, she started to cry.”

Remembering what John had told her about Thornbridge, Laura
paled. “Oh, God.”

“I held her for hours that day. I honestly can’t remember how
long she cried, but as each tear fell, a part of her disappeared,” Kris said,
hanging her head. “She dissolved in my arms and there wasn’t anything I could
do to stop it. By the next morning, she became the person you know now.
Lifeless and detached...lost.”

“Then how in the world did she ever manage to find a job?”

“I saw an advertisement for a teaching position at Calloway
in the newspaper. I hadn’t left her alone for a single minute after she had
tried to...tried to kill herself, so over coffee one morning, I mentioned it.
It took me days to convince her to apply. Christ, she was so scared, changing
her mind every other minute, but she somehow found the nerve to do it. I don’t
know which one of us was more surprised when she got the job, but after a few
weeks, she seemed better, like she was more at ease with living now that she
had something to do. Eventually, she asked me to find her a flat, something
cheap and small, and I did...and since then, nothing’s really changed.”

“So she never tried it again?”

“Suicide? No, but I know she still thinks about it.”

“Why do you say that?”

“When she was in holding, before she was set free, the
doctors there noticed that she had problems sleeping, so they prescribed some
pills. After what she tried in the shower, I took them away from her...just to
make sure she wouldn’t get any ideas.”

“Good plan.”

“Thanks,” Kris said, managing a thin grin. “Anyway, when she
got her own place, she asked for them, but I refused. I still didn’t trust her
not to do something stupid; so instead, I stopped by every day to give her one
to use that night. It seemed like a good idea at the time.”

“It wasn’t?”

“No,” Kris said as she picked up her wine. Taking a sip, she
let out a slow breath as she returned the glass to the table. “One day I went
over like I always did. It was one of those shit days, you know? Everything was
going wrong. I had just sacked a bartender, the sound system at the club had
broken, and the weather was crap, so when I got to her place, I decided to have
a drink. I knew she had vodka, so I poured myself some, but then I...I noticed
that it looked odd. It was cloudy...almost dirty, and as I was standing in the
kitchen, deciding on whether to drink it, she walked in. As soon as I saw the
panic in her eyes, I knew what she had done. Here I was slogging over there
every day for almost a year, thinking I was doing the right thing, and all
along she was lying to me. She wasn’t taking the pills. She was putting them in
the bottle so she could have an easy way out if she wanted one.”

Closing her eyes for a moment, Laura said, “Please tell me
you took the bottle.”

“I thought about it, but then I remembered I was the only
person Toni trusted. I was the only one allowed in her flat, the only one
bringing her food...taking care of her. If I had taken the vodka...if I had
destroyed it, it would have destroyed the trust she has in me, and I wasn’t
willing to take that risk. So I left it there, along with the bottle of pills I
had in my handbag. I told her that I loved her, but since she already had
enough to do the job, there wasn’t any point in me rationing them any longer.”

“You’re playing a very dangerous game, Kris.”

“Don’t you think I know that?” Kris shouted. “But, Jesus
Christ, what else could I have done? If I took the vodka, she would have cut me
out of her life. Without me, she doesn’t eat. If she doesn’t eat, she dies. So
instead, I showed her that she could trust me. I showed her that I wouldn’t do
anything…
anything
to destroy her faith in me,
and I go home every night, every
fucking
night
and pray to God that I haven’t made a mistake.”

Burying her head in her hands, Kris began to weep, and
feeling her own emotions starting to get the better of her, Laura went to the
desk and grabbed a box of tissues. Taking one for herself, she handed the rest
to Krista and then stepped away to give the woman some space. Drying her eyes,
Laura walked over to look at some pictures hanging on the wall, and a grin
slowly formed when she recognized both Toni and Kris in various poses of
playfulness. It was obvious that all the photos were taken years before, but as
she stared at the captured memories, a thought popped into her head. Thinking
back to the amount of women in the club, she turned around and cocked her head
to one side.

“I’m sorry,” Kris said, sniffling back a tear. “It’s just
that I love her so much.”

“Kris, are you and Toni...I mean, were you...were you
partners?”

“No, we shagged a bit in school, but we realized that we were
much better at being friends than being lovers.”

Startled by the woman’s honesty, Laura paused for a second.
“You’re...I mean, Toni’s...Toni’s gay?”

“Sorry, I guess there’s really no reason why you would have
known that, huh?

“No, but that explains all the women I saw when I walked in
here tonight. This is a gay club, isn’t it?”

Straightening her backbone, Kris said, “Is that a problem?
Should I have
warned
you?”

Returning to the sofa, Laura poured a splash of wine in both
glasses and handed one to Kris. “No, it doesn’t bother me, Kris. I just wasn’t
expecting it. But honestly, it sounds to me like you’re in love with Toni, and
if that’s the case, you should be the one working on getting her out of her
shell, not me. I certainly don’t want to give her the wrong idea. I mean...I’m
not into women.”

Smiling, Kris got up, grabbed a photo from her desk and
handed it to Laura. “Her name’s Robin and she’s my wife. I’m in love with her,
not Toni, but Toni and I have been through a lot, and I owe her my life.”

“
You
were the one she saved
that night?”

“How did you know about that?”

“I’m sorry. John let me read her file and then filled in some
blanks. Being the way she is, he thought it wise.”

“Smart man.”

“John also said drugs were involved. That’s why the copper
was here that night.”

Rolling her eyes, Kris let out a laugh. “When we first opened
we had some issues with people bringing that shit into the club, but we always
handled it ourselves. We made them leave and that was the end of it, but I
guess the word got out on the street so the police started coming around every
now and then. We didn’t care. We weren’t doing anything wrong, so when the copper
came in that night, I didn’t pay him any mind, but when I tried to lock up, he
wouldn’t leave. A few minutes later, I was fighting for my life, and that’s
when Toni walked in...” Kris stopped for a moment and drew in a ragged breath.
“She tried so hard to stop the bleeding. She was pressing her hands on the
guy’s neck, trying...trying to make it stop all the while screaming at me to
call the medics. It was all just a mistake, an accident...a stupid,
fucking
accident, and she paid for it with four
years of her life in that hole...and she’s still paying for it.”

Leaning back on the sofa, Laura sighed. “Oh, Kris, I don’t
know what to do. I certainly don’t want to push her over the edge—”

“Laura, she’s not suicidal! Yes, she still has the fucking
bottle in her fridge, but it’s just a crutch. It gives her an option, but you
have to trust me, Laura. She doesn’t want to die! She’s just stuck in this...in
this prison she’s made for herself, and she doesn’t know how to get out. And as
for Toni getting the wrong idea, as you put it, I’m her best friend and she
won’t even touch me, so I think you’re safe.”

“I don’t know...”

“I’m not asking you to shag her, for God’s sake. All I’m
asking is that you be a friend and visit her class a few times a week. Just
make yourself known. Please, Laura, I’m running out of options.”

“I still don’t know what makes you think that I—”

“Because you got to her! When you wouldn’t give up and kept
going to her class…well, I think she’s met her match in you, and she knows it.”

“Krista, if anyone has shown that they can be stubborn, it’s
you. You’ve spent two years by her side, and you said it yourself, she hasn’t
opened up to you at all. What makes you think I have the magic key?”

“That’s simple,” Kris said with a knowing grin. “I’m her
friend, and I proved over the years that she can trust me. You, on the other
hand, are a total stranger, and in five days you were able to get her to show
an emotion. You got her angry, and that’s something that no one, including me,
has been able to do.”

Laura stood and returned to the wall where images of a woman
once alive and vital filled the frames. Her eyes went from one picture to the
next, studying the Toni Vaughn who existed before Thornbridge. There wasn’t a
photograph where she wasn’t smiling, and in her eyes Laura could see youthful
confidence with just a hint of mischief. Laura’s eyes darted back and forth
across the photos as she chewed on her lip, and drawing in a slow breath, she
said, “I’ll still have to think about it, Kris. I’ve heard what you said, and
some of it makes sense, but I don’t want to do anything to upset her.”