Get Off on the Pain (25 page)

I wrap my arm around his neck and pull him back down to me. I look into his eyes so he can see the truth in them. I want him to know that I mean this. “Everyone makes mistakes. It’s not about the mistakes that you’ve made. It’s about what you do to make sure those mistakes never happen again. What’s important is that you learned from them and have decided to change it before moving forward.”

I tilt my head up to kiss his chin. “We’re only human, Memphis. You’re human I’ve made mistakes that I’m not proud of as well. I thought my father was the only one making mistakes, but if I was any better than him I would have stopped him from making those mistakes when I had the chance.”

I lick my lips and push back my emotions. “I’m no different than you are. You think you’re no good for me . . . but I think you’re just what I need.”

He grips the back of my neck and forces me to look into his eyes as he thrusts himself inside of me, causing me to unconsciously hold my breath.

Pushing me up toward the headboard, he pulls out before slowly pushing back into me, running his lips up my neck while moaning. “I can’t stop thinking about being inside you, Lyric.” He pulls out before slowly thrusting back in. “I know I shouldn’t have you, but the thought of anyone else being inside you kills me.”

His words cause my heart to fucking explode. Grabbing his face, I force him to look at me. “I don’t want anyone else inside me. Only you . . .”

My words only cause him to go harder and deeper as he bites onto my bottom lip before gently sucking it as he grips my chin in his bloodied hand.

He continues to thrust into me a few more times before flipping me over. Pushing me flat down on my stomach, he places his body weight above me, with his left leg bent at the knee, pressed against my side. He pumps into me slow and deep, being sure that I feel every single inch of pleasure. Nothing can ever compare to having this man inside of me.

I moan out and shake under his touch as I feel his tongue run up my back, to my neck, before he sucks my earlobe into his perfect mouth and shoves back into me.

With each thrust I don’t only feel him inside me, but I feel his emotions and all the things that he’s afraid to say. Closing my eyes, I moan and grip onto his arm as tight as I can as he rocks his hips, continuing to fuck me, making me feel things I’ve never felt before.

This man cares about me and wants me just as bad as I want him. His lips press against every inch of my body and his hands touch me as if he can’t get enough. It’s enough to show me what his lips can’t say. I don’t only want this man . . . I’m lost to him.

I WAKE UP TO LYRIC sleeping on my chest. My heart fucking hurts when I realize that I messed up. This isn’t what I am here to do. I came here to tell her about my father. She needs to know before it’s too late.

After fighting for Asher last night it made it even clearer that I need to get Lyric as far away from me as possible. It’s hard enough that Alex’s safety is in my hands. I can’t do that to Lyric, I just can’t, but when she started taking care of me and telling me that I’m human just like everyone else I lost it. It gave me a bit of hope. It made me believe that I could be with her and have her the way I want her: completely and irreversibly mine. The one and only girl that I take care of, making her happy.

Lying here now I realize that was all just a stupid fantasy I let myself believe for a short while. There is no happy ending when it comes to me. I know this and she needs to know.

When she finally opens her eyes I’m sitting in the chair next to the bed, fully dressed and ready to go.

I see sadness fill her eyes as she fully takes me in. “What’s wrong? Are you leaving?”

I turn away for a second to control my emotions. I need to say this and get it all out in the open. Then she will see how much of a monster I am and do what’s good for her. She will stay away from me.

“I killed my father,” I say bluntly. There is no easy way to say it.

She looks stunned for a moment before she shakes it off and swallows. “It had to be for a reason, Memphis.” She sits straight up and gives me a dirty look. “Tell me what really happened and stop trying to prove that you’re a monster. Stop trying to push me away.”

I stand up and turn the other way. She acts as if she knows me. What makes her think that there was a reason? She thinks she knows that I’m good, that I’m better than I think.

“I don’t have to prove anything to you. I fucking know and that’s what matters. Everyone else around sees it too. Why can’t you?”

“Do they?” She jumps to her feet and forces me to look at her. “Do they really . . . or is what you let them believe?” She grips my face before her eyes fall down to my lips. “I remember the look in your eyes when I woke you up from that nightmare. The pain I saw in your eyes is not something that a monster would have. Now tell me what happened. I’m asking you to. There’s got to be a reason why you got only six years.”

I cave and explain it all to her. How my father had become a miserable drunk after my mother got sick. How he started abusing us, but stopped taking it out on me when I started fighting at the alley and took it all out on Alex, who was too small to protect himself. About how my father arrested me over and over and found any way that he could to get my ass behind bars. It was his way of showing me who was in charge.

Then I told her about that night, the night that changed everything, starting with how I saw Alex in the garage, barely breathing and scared out of his mind. I may not have meant to kill him, but I did. If I had stopped, then he would still be alive, tormenting us.

It was all in self-defense and that’s exactly what Alex explained to Bob. It didn’t matter, though, because Bob had all of my closed cases and pending cases brought up and got me the maximum time. He didn’t need to get me for murder. He made sure that I would be behind bars and away from my family. It was me that fucked up enough times to ruin my life, no one but me.

Lyric is silent for a few minutes before she wraps her arms around my waist and looks into my eyes. “You know what I see when I hear your story?”

I shake my head, lost to my own demons, drowning in the memories that have haunted me for years.

“I see a man that loves and cares for his family.” A tear falls down her cheek, but she’s quick to wipe it away. “A man that did what he had to do to ensure that his loved ones were safe. Do you know how rare that is? Your mom had to have been proud of you for that.”

She pulls away from me, and turns to face the wall. “If my father was like you . . . I’d actually let him in my life. You’re a good man.” She turns back around. “I just wish that you could see that.”

I swallow back the emotions that are rising. My chest hurts and my heart is racing out of control. I just need to get away. This is fucking with me. I can’t handle this.

“I’ve got to go.” I turn and head for the door, but stop. “You’ll stay away if you know what’s good for you. Okay?”

I wait a second, but she doesn’t answer.

“Okay, dammit?” I grip the doorframe. “Say it,” I growl out.

“Get out, Memphis. Just go then!”

I feel her hands on my back as she gives me a shove to get going. “You want me to fucking hate you? Well I can’t, but walking away like a fucking pussy brings you pretty close to getting it.” She shoves me again. “You want me to push you away? Well, you’re free to go, but I refuse to hate you and see the monster that you want me to see.”

I walk away, feeling my heart break as I do. I never expected to find her. I never expected to want anyone, especially the way I want her, but I have to do this. She deserves better, and I’d be even worse by not letting her have it.

I LEFT JACK A LONG message after leaving Lyric’s house about an hour ago. It’s five in the morning, so of course I knew his ass would be sleeping, but I still tried. He’s known my mother and father longer than anyone else has. I just needed to hear it from him what I heard from Lyric.

I pace in front of the gravestone that I promised myself I’d never go visit, feeling my blood boil from all the things I want to say to him. I’m so fucking angry with this man. It’s because of him that I missed so much of Alex’s life and wasn’t there when my mother needed me the most.

I’ve been blaming myself all this time. Six fucking years I have been blaming myself. I kept telling myself that if I hadn’t been in so much trouble prior to that night happening that I probably wouldn’t have gotten six years for defending my brother. I believed that was on me.

After thinking long and hard on Lyric’s words, I realized that it all began with Ethan—my father. If he hadn’t become a sorry ass drunk in the first place then I would’ve never developed the need to fight and let out all my anger. I was content with my guitar. It gave me a certain kind of peace that nothing else could. He ruined that for me. He made me into the monster that I couldn’t control.

“Fuck!”

I stop in front of his grave and finally force myself to look at it. I feel a mixture of pain and rage surge through me.

“You were supposed to be different. You were supposed to take care of your family. What happened to being a man and showing us that if you love someone you stick together and never give up on them? You didn’t do that! Instead, you took it out on us and treated us like shit. You made us scared and powerless.”

I grip my hair and growl out as the tears start rolling down my face. They’re tears of fucking hatred. I hate him for all the shit he made me and my family lose out on.

“I did my best to take care of Alex, to do what mother asked of me, but you had to go and make that impossible. Then, you expected me to sit back and not to fight, to not find ways to take my anger out.” I point at my chest and scream. “Well fuck you! I had anger inside just like you did. Did you think it was easy for me to watch my mother get sicker and weaker each and every fucking day?”

I lean my head back and try my best to catch my breath, but the rage has me unable to calm down.

“Hell no! It was just as hard for Alex and me as it was for you. Where the hell were you when we needed someone to comfort us and tell us that we wouldn’t be alone? Why didn’t you man up and show us that someone would still love us, even with her gone? You should have explained that we would still be a family. You were out there drinking the fucking nights away and then coming back home to push us around.”