From The Dead (33 page)

Caitlyn chewed on her straw and appeared to evaluate
him. “Are you sure you’re ready?”

“I’ve weighed it in my mind over and over.” Jesse
took her hand in his. “He deserves a dad. We’ve taken that away
from him long enough. I’m begging you for the chance to give it
back to him.”

Across the table, Caitlyn fidgeted as she
listened.

Jesse continued, “There’s a piece of him that aches.
I’ve been able to help fill part of that void, but there’s still a
side of him that hungers—I mean, he looks for his dad in people’s
eyes.
” Jesse caught her gaze. “He thinks his dad doesn’t
want to know him, and it hurts him inside. I don’t want him to
endure that any longer.”

As Caitlyn seemed to warm to the concept, they
pictured Drew and Jesse together. They talked about the positive
long-term development that Drew might experience with a father in
his life. Then Caitlyn laid out the unknowns and the risks that
would accompany the decision.

She looked at Jesse, her voice a tender plea but her
facial expression firm. “If we do this,” she said, “you can’t turn
back. If you leave, you’ll break his heart beyond repair. He loves
you already; you’ve established that bond. So today, things are
different than when you first came home. If you go away again
…”

Jesse clasped both of her hands in his and gave them
a squeeze, gentle yet sincere. “I promise: His needs come first.”
He squeezed tighter. “From now on.”

At first, Caitlyn didn’t respond, though her eyes
drilled into Jesse’s, as if to search for a hint of impulse or
lapse. But Jesse remained decisive. She said, “I need to know this;
I need to hear it from you:
Do you love that little
boy?
”

“More than life,” he replied. Not a trace of
hesitation.

With this, Jesse peered deep into Caitlyn’s eyes and
saw her struggle for an answer.

CHAPTER 52

“We’re going to tell him,” Jesse said. “Cait and I
are going to tell Drew I’m his dad.”

Jesse started to chew a fingernail but caught
himself. He awaited Eden’s response.

Though she remained calm, a blink of her eyes
revealed Eden’s excitement. On the tail end of a half day of
vacation, she had stopped by the church before she headed to her
office. In an empty meeting room at the church building, she and
Jesse ate an early lunch of burgers and fries, which she had
brought with her.

“How do you feel about it?” she asked.

Jesse took a deep breath and released it in a slow
exhale, the kind that comes right before you hit a button marked
“Activate.” He replied, “Thrilled. Nervous.”

“That’s understandable.”

“You’re the social worker; you unite families all the
time. What do you think of the idea?”

“What do
you
think of the idea?” she
countered.

“I believe it’s the right thing. It comes from the
deepest part of my soul,” he said. “But once we tell him,
everything will change. So the unknown is a bit frightening—not for
me, but for Drew. How will he respond when he finds out I’m the guy
who had never been around for him? Will he
want
a
relationship now? Even though, with all my heart, I want to take
this step and be a father to him—what if the shock hurts him all
over again and causes him a brand new kind of anxiety? What
then?”

Eden studied Jesse’s nonverbal indicators.

Eden brushed salt crystals from a fry before she slid
it into her mouth. She squinted as she chewed, then followed it
with a sip of diet cola. “You’ve told me lot about Drew since you
reunited with him. You’ve shared some of the details he’s told you,
many of which come from deep inside him,” she said. “And to me,
it’s obvious the one thing that little guy has wanted most is to
know his dad. He’s held out hope that his dad would return.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” he said.

“You’re following your heart. You’re doing the right
thing.”

Jesse nodded, but his demeanor remained anxious.

Eden checked the time on her watch. Then, in a hasty
move, she wrapped up their lunches. “Come on.” She got up from her
chair. “I want to take you somewhere.”

“Where?”

“You’ll see.”

Curious, Jesse wiped his hands on a napkin and
followed her out the door.

* * *

When Jesse and Eden arrived at the adoption agency
where she worked, she introduced her big brother to the staff, all
of whom offered warm greetings. Next, Eden pointed to an internal
window, a single glass pane covered by a pair of thin curtains, in
the far corner of the main office. “The room’s through there,” she
said and gave Jesse permission to observe the event that would
occur. After she left for her office, Jesse indulged the staff in
stories from Eden’s childhood, tales they would surely use as
blackmail in the future.

While in mid sentence, Jesse shifted his attention to
a married couple in their mid thirties, who walked into the agency
and spoke to the receptionist. The sandy-haired man attempted to
contain his excitement, while his wife, her hands clasped together,
radiated.

Those must be the parents,
Jesse
concluded.

Soon Eden walked down the hall to greet them and led
them to the room on the other side of Jesse’s window, where they
signed some final paperwork. Then Eden left the room.

Discreet yet respectful, Jesse took occasional
glances through the window. The small room had a living-room feel,
complete with a sofa and loveseat, table lamps and end tables. But
the couple couldn’t remain seated. No doubt caught between
nervousness and eager anticipation, the husband paced a while
before he returned to his wife’s side, where he wrapped his arm
around her shoulders. She wrung her hands.

The door to the room opened again, and in walked
Eden—with a tiny infant in her arms, wrapped in a blanket.

Their baby girl.

And here, the world halted for the new parents. For
an endless moment, the awestruck couple stared, speechless, at
their daughter. At first, Jesse noticed the couple’s hesitancy:
their date with destiny had arrived. After years of protracted
delay, while the couple’s names edged step by step to the top of an
extensive waiting list—after all the home studies, the legal
issues, the prospects and setbacks—the moment had arrived: a dream
fulfilled.

With careful steps, the couple met Eden halfway
across the room. Jesse watched as Eden laid the sleeping baby into
the new mother’s open arms. Both parents’ eyes moistened and opened
wider, as though to absorb every available detail.

Moments like this can’t be bought,
Jesse
thought to himself. Before he knew it, he’d glued his eyes to the
window pane. Although he stared straight through, no one noticed.
Transfixed on the life-changing event that unfolded before his
eyes, Jesse watched as the couple wept. He watched the wife’s
self-conscious giggle as a tear dropped from her eye onto the
baby’s forehead. Eden smiled, patted her on the arm, assured her it
wouldn’t harm the infant.

With joy Eden watched the trio. From the way Eden’s
face gleamed, you would think she had started these people’s lives
all over again.

But then again, she had.

She had just turned them into parents.

And Jesse had witnessed the transformation with his
own eyes. Blown away, hand to mouth, he tried to shake his head in
wonder but found himself immobile for the moment.

Here before him unfolded the gift of life. And Jesse,
grateful to be alive, wouldn’t throw his own life away for
anything.

CHAPTER 53

They sat together on the sofa in Caitlyn’s living
room. With Drew in the middle, Caitlyn and Jesse flanked him on
each side.

Jesse pivoted toward his son and said, “Your mom and
I have something to tell you.”

His eyes innocent, Drew peered at Jesse, while
Caitlyn turned and placed her hands on her son’s shoulders.

Jesse struggled for words as the moisture evaporated
from his tongue. This wasn’t as straightforward as he’d imagined.
His racing pulse fit for a speedway, he looked down at his own
hands and noticed they shook with tension.

Drew noticed too. “Are you okay?”

“Yes.” Jesse feigned composure but fooled no one. He
pressed his hands against his own knees for stability. “Buddy, I’ve
had a chance to get to know you for a while …” No, wrong way to
start. The minute became elastic as chewing gum, and Jesse hung
midway with nothing but air beneath his feet.

He’s waiting for you.
Say
something.

Jesse tried again. “Drew … you remember shortly after
we first met, don’t you? When your mom and I told you that she and
I knew each other long ago, spent a lot of time together as
high-school kids?”

Drew nodded. Behind Drew, Caitlyn urged Jesse forward
with a nod of her own. How could she stay so poised? Jesse
certainly didn’t share her coolness. His brow started to bead with
perspiration; he wiped it, then clenched his jaw and decided to
clutch for confidence anyway. Jesse shared a bond with Drew, after
all.

Jesse leaned closer, a few inches from the boy’s
face. He searched deep within Drew’s eyes.

A puzzled look on his face, Drew asked, “What?”

“You have eyes like mine,” Jesse replied, a reference
to Drew’s remark at Brandywine Falls.

Drew grinned. “I know.”

Jesse tried again. “No, I mean,
you have my
eyes.
”

At first Drew looked confused. He furrowed his
eyebrows at Jesse’s words—and then the words appeared to dawn on
him. Drew’s facial expression emptied; it transformed to a blank,
bewildered stare. Almost imperceptible, Drew leaned his head back
an inch.

Jesse placed his hand on Drew’s knee to reassure his
son. They stared straight into each other’s eyes; neither flinched,
neither blinked. “I’m your dad, Drew.”

Drew’s eyes fluttered with shock before he stopped
them. He didn’t say a word. Perhaps unsure how to respond, his brow
furrowed again as he looked down and stared at his knees. He raised
his head again and peered behind at his mother, who caught his
glance and nodded to confirm the truth. She squeezed his shoulders
and continued to monitor the situation.

Slowly Drew pivoted his head back toward Jesse but
wouldn’t make eye contact with his father. Instead, Drew stared
down at his feet. Jesse couldn’t blame the kid for his shock: For
so many years, Drew had hoped his dad would return, only to
discover his parents had excluded him from their critical secret.
How else could Jesse expect him to react?

Jesse laid his hands on his son’s arms in an effort
to reassure him again. At this point, the boy’s sense of security
had to have taken a nosedive. “Drew? Buddy?”

Drew jostled his arms to shake Jesse’s hands off.

Caitlyn whispered into Drew’s ear. “Drew? Honey, do
you feel okay?”

Drew shrugged as his face flushed pink. His lips
appeared tense; he himself had tightened them. Jesse could tell
Drew fought to hold back tears. And the boy still wouldn’t make eye
contact with him. Caitlyn closed her arms around Drew and kissed
him on the head.

Jesse started to get concerned. He couldn’t care less
about himself—he needed to know his son was safe. “Drew?” he said
in a near whisper. “Look in my eyes …”

Hesitant, Drew lifted his gaze and their eyes locked.
Jesse noticed the tear that Drew fought with all his might to
subdue. Jesse knew it wasn’t a tear of anger, but of fright—of a
helpless child in a desperate grab for a lifeline.

The kid was stronger than Jesse estimated. And yet,
Jesse couldn’t imagine how vulnerable Drew must have felt.

Caitlyn rubbed her son’s arms but remained quiet.

Jesse knew he needed to say something but felt so
unprepared himself. “I know this is a shock to you. And it’s not
fair for you to be put on the spot like this … this can’t be easy …
I—I didn’t know how else to tell you.”

Jesse tousled the hair on top of Drew’s head, which
failed to trigger a reaction. Drew looked back down toward his
feet, as though his parents had betrayed him and he didn’t know who
to trust. Jesse heard the sound of Drew’s teardrop hit his sneaker.
Drew wiped his eyes, and their moisture formed a sheen on his
fingers.

Jesse leaned in once again. “Drew, please say
something—even if you’re angry, please say something …”

But Drew continued to stare at the floor. The boy’s
murmur cracked as he spoke. “Why didn’t you tell me before?” he
asked. The question sounded like a plea. Jesse’s gut
constricted.

Jesse paused. At this point, he could only offer his
son transparency. “I didn’t feel I had any right to put you in that
position while I was a stranger.” No, that wasn’t the whole truth.
“And I was afraid, Drew.”

Drew looked as if he hadn’t eaten in five days but
couldn’t locate an appetite. Jesse knew that in a matter of
minutes, his son had found himself drenched with anger, love, hurt,
betrayal—a rapid influx of emotions, more than most ten-year-olds
ever needed to bear.

Caitlyn wrapped her arms tight around the boy. “We
don’t expect anything from you,” she whispered. She veered around
to meet his eyes with hers. “Do you want some time to let this sink
in? Maybe a few days with just you and me?”

Drew mouthed agreement as his eyes glossed over
again. His mother laid a kiss on his cheek, from which a tear clung
to her lip.

Drew got up and padded to his bedroom without another
word. Jesse and Caitlyn listened as the door clicked shut.

In the stillness, Jesse stared at a random spot on
the living-room window, one hand over his mouth. “What a horrible
idea; I don’t know what I was thinking. How’s he
supposed
to
react?”