From The Dead (28 page)

Blake shrugged in a resigned manner. “Neither do I. I
wish I did, but I don’t know what to say or where to begin.”

“If I could come to terms with those questions, I
think I could move on with my life.”

Jesse paused.

“If God could speak,” Jesse murmured.

* * *

That evening, after Jesse, Eden and Blake had eaten
dinner at Blake’s house, Jesse drove home alone.

As he reflected on his conversation with Blake a few
hours before, his eyes watered. Weary from the emotional cleansing
of the last several months, he tried to smother the thoughts and
hold back the tears. Successful at first, his mind soon wandered
back and those tears welled up once again. Vision blurred, he
pulled over to the shoulder of the road, put the car in park, and
shut off the engine. Then a dam broke loose inside him.

Anger. That’s what he felt.

Anger toward the past. Anger toward God. Anger
because he cried like a defeated soul.

His face crimson, he pounded the dashboard with ball
of his palm.

Pound!

Anger released.

And again:
Pound!

Pound, pound, pound!

Jesse screamed with fury and fire. Hot tears darted
down his cheeks; their saline stung as they settled upon his lower
lip.

“I don’t understand this, God!” Jesse screamed. “I
just need an answer!” He waited, then screamed again. “
Are You
listening to me?!
”

Then he sank back in the seat, went limp, his hand at
rest on his forehead. He rubbed his eyes dry.

He looked up but found his view of heaven blocked by
the fuzzy beige interior of his car.

Vulnerable, Jesse settled down. His voice softened to
a plea.

“If You can answer me, I think I’ll be okay.”

Jesse listened. He heard nothing. With its windows
rolled up, the car felt muggy; Jesse’s warm breath enhanced its
temperature.

“Can You hear me?” Jesse whispered in
desperation.

He waited. Then he asked again.

“Can You hear me?” Jesse craved a reply, a
sign—
something.

But nothing came.

“Where are You, God …”

CHAPTER 44

In Jesse’s opinion, Brandywine Falls, a natural
waterfall in Cuyahoga Valley National Park, was well worth the
short drive required to get there. He craved the ambience of water
today.

The walkway, made of wooden planks and railings,
wound beside the Falls in a gradual descent. Though Jesse and Drew
could hear the rush of water, its source was not yet within view.
Surrounded by the lush foliage of the shallow woods, they strolled
down the walkway, side by side, Jesse’s camera in Drew’s grip.

As they passed a grandmother who tried to control her
brood of grandkids, Jesse turned to Drew. “Have you been here
before, buddy?”

“No,” Drew replied. The Falls represented one of
those nearby natural attractions that falls victim to
taken-for-granted status: If you’re not careful, you might not get
around to a visit until your latter years. As a father, Jesse
determined to bring value to his son’s life, even if it started
with new experiences that other kids might consider ordinary.

“They have a bed and breakfast here,” Jesse said.
“That’s sorta like a hotel, but more like a house.”

Drew clucked his tongue, appeared content with
Jesse’s attention regardless of what they talked about.

The rush of water amplified, its sound akin to a
hundred bathtubs filling with maximum gusto. Its echo bounced among
the leaves in nature’s version of a relay race. Unseen birds
chirped from camouflaged branches. Jesse picked up the strong scent
of foliage around him.

“So, you told me there’s a girl you kinda like,”
Jesse said with a poke to Drew’s ribs. The kid smelled like
cookies. “Does she have a name?”

His face in a blush, Drew tried to hide his laughter.
“No.”

“She doesn’t have a name?”

“Her name is No.”

“Clever.”

“Maggie.”

“Maggie. Hmm …” Jesse rubbed his chin and feigned
contemplation. “Yeah, Maggie. I like the name Maggie.”

“Good, ‘cause I’d need to beat you up if you didn’t,”
Drew joked. “Do you like the name Caitlyn?”

“Of course.”

Three observation points, located at different
heights, provided views of the Falls from different angles. As they
reached the first point—the uppermost, from which you can look down
upon the Falls—Drew raced toward the railing and snapped a
wide-angle picture of the water as it poured forth in a forceful
flow. After that, the kid leaned over the railing, took note of the
distance to the bottom of the gorge, then spat down into it and
counted the seconds until contact. Regardless of the decade, some
aspects of childhood remain the same, Jesse mused.

Jesse considered this observation point his favorite.
From this height, the waterfall’s strength seemed muted, something
you could harness. He imagined God hovering over a world where
nothing escapes His view, where looming circumstances appear
miniscule in the grand scheme of life. Jesse leaned over the
railing beside his son, closed his eyes, and listened to the
rolling water—much more contained than the Pacific, but more active
than Lake Erie.

When a retired couple approached the railing, Drew
held the camera out to the lady. “Excuse me, ma’am. Could you take
a picture of us, please?”

The lady, in her early eighties by Jesse’s
estimation, appeared as though a face lift had made a cameo
appearance in a past life. Jesse grimaced at the impression that
this couple still enjoyed an active sex life. Horrified, he shook
the thought from his head and swallowed the bile in his mouth.

With proud satisfaction, Jesse humored the scene
before him, in which Drew explained to Sexy Grandma how to use the
camera and mimicked Jesse’s tutorial on shutter speed. She would
shoot two people who stood still, Drew pointed out, so he’d go with
a low speed if he were her.

The lady backed up into position. Then Drew bounded
over to Jesse and wrapped his arm around his older buddy’s waist,
their backs to the railing and the Falls in the background.

One photo snap and Sexy Grandma returned the camera
to Drew. “Are you brothers?” she asked.

Jesse swallowed. Eighteen years apart—and both young
through this lady’s eyes—he could understand how she might have
drawn the conclusion.

Drew told her Jesse was a friend of his mom’s, which
elicited an aw-how-nice reply. Jesse and Drew thanked Sexy Grandma
again before she and her boyfriend waved and sauntered off, hand in
hand, in search of the next observation point and a fountain of
youth. The image of the couple’s love life re-emerged in Jesse’s
head.

“Geez, I hate to think of those two in the bedroom,”
Jesse muttered to no one in particular.

Drew glanced up. “Huh?”

Jesse gritted his teeth. He’d slipped with that
comment, accustomed to former days when he joked with Gavin. In an
attempt to recover, Jesse replied, “They probably hang posters of
black-and-white movies. Can you imagine?” Relieved that Drew bought
his explanation, Jesse hoped he hadn’t caused long-term damage for
the kid. He made a mental note to guard his future comments.

Before they headed further down the walkway, Jesse
rested his arms against the railing. He took a last glimpse of the
waterfall. From the corner of his eye, he noticed Drew lean closer
toward him. Drew focused on Jesse’s face as though he searched for
clues.

Jesse chuckled and asked, “What are you doing,
bud?”

“Looking for something,” Drew replied, half
absent.

“Looking for what?”

“You have eyes like mine.”

Taken aback, Jesse said, “What? What do you
mean?”

Drew shrugged. “When I was, like, four years old, I
asked my mom what my dad looks like, and she said he has eyes like
mine. So sometimes I look at people’s eyes. Did you know both of us
have green eyes?”

“Oh. Yeah, that’s cool, huh?”

“Kinda cool.” And that was all.

Jesse’s heart started to beat again now that he
realized Drew hadn’t put two and two together. Had Drew drawn a
conclusion, Caitlyn would have freaked out.

How do I measure up with this fatherhood
thing?
Jesse wondered.

They strolled further down the walkway, further into
the gorge. As they walked, the rubber soles of their sneakers
clomped on the wooden planks.

When they reached the second observation point, which
unveiled the Falls once again, Drew hopped over to the banister to
absorb the beauty at mid level. Much closer to them now, this same
waterfall seemed larger, more ominous and intimidating than before.
It reminded Jesse of his own finite vulnerability.

Drew snapped more pictures. “This one’s my favorite
so far,” he said. “I want to take a good one for my mom.”

“Seems more intense from this angle, doesn’t it?”

Drew developed a glint in his eye, a hint of dominion
as he stared at the rush of water. “I’d like to ride down it in a
jet ski.”

The things you can learn from an innocent kid,
Jesse thought. What one sees as a formidable foe, another sees as
an opportunity to conquer.

With his eyes still glued to the Falls, Drew’s
wistful smile faded. “What’s it like to have a dad?” he asked.

Jesse bumped his knee against the railing, caught by
surprise at the question. “Kind of like having a mom, I suppose.
Except your dad is a guy.” While Jesse had taken the concept for
granted, how foreign it seemed to Drew. The kid truly wanted to
know; Jesse had forgotten Drew’s limited knowledge consisted of an
outsider’s observation and the kid’s own imagination.

“What’s
your
dad like?” Drew pressed. “Does he
remember your birthday?”

“I’m sure he does. But we didn’t talk to each other
on my birthday. Didn’t speak to him often. For a while, I didn’t
even visit him.”

Drew looked up at Jesse. “How long?”

“Lots of years.”

Nonchalant, Drew puffed his cheeks. “If I had a dad,
I’d make sure I talked to him every day,” he said. Jesse nodded.
Maybe his son’s emotions had dried up at some point in the
past—when Drew discovered he needed to grow up before his time.
“Does your dad love you?” asked Drew.

“Yes, he does.” The things Jesse deemed commonplace,
for which Drew seemed to have radar. “We didn’t always understand
each other, though.”

“Are you interested in different things? He likes
football and you like baseball?”

“I guess you could say we were interested in
different things. Better to say we didn’t see eye to eye on
much.”

“But he still wants to be your friend anyway?”

Jesse chuckled. “Yeah, he does.” He scruffed the top
of Drew’s head. “He’ll love me no matter what stupid choices I’ve
made.”

Drew scratched at a splinter on the railing, then
said, “If I could pick a dad, I’d want him to be like you.”

In that instant, Jesse’s heart ached, a soaked towel
wrenched by large hands. His joy motivated him to hug his son, but
Jesse knew he couldn’t. “What makes you say that?” Jesse asked
instead.

“It’s fun to hang out with you. When you take me
places, it makes me feel good. No one else did that for me before,”
Drew said. “That’s how I’d want my dad to treat me. And also you
listen to me.”

Of course; you’re my son,
Jesse thought. “Of
course; you’re my buddy.”

“Plus you’re nice to my mom. That makes her feel
good.”

“Your mom approves of me?”

“I think she likes you okay. Lately she’s acted a lot
happier than I’ve seen her in, well, I can’t remember how long.”
Shoulders loose, Drew grew more relaxed as he spoke. He crossed his
arms on the railing and rested his chin on them.

Jesse felt a bittersweet pang in his gut as he
watched his son. “Takes some of the pressure off you when your
mom’s happy, huh?”

“Yeah.” Drew pressed his lips together.

“Your mom loves you so much.”

Drew furrowed his brow. He gave Jesse a fleeting
glance. “Sometimes if I feel like I need my dad, I pretend you’re
my dad and it makes me feel better,” Drew said. He looked up with
innocent eyes. “Is that okay?”

Words couldn’t express how impacted Jesse felt. He
leaned down and gave his son a side hug. “That’s fine, buddy,”
Jesse said. “You pretend all you want.”

Jesse nudged Drew and, in unison, they pushed away
from the railing.

Without another word, they continued down the walkway
to the final observation point.

Father and son.

CHAPTER 45

On the ride home, Jesse drove out of his way to
further stretch his one-on-one time with Drew. They stopped at a
gas station along Route 91 in Twinsburg, just north of Hudson,
where Jesse pumped gas while Drew waited in the car.

“Jesse?”

From around the side of the pump peered Sanders, one
of the high school pals with whom Jesse had reunited a few months
back. Sanders had stopped by the Saturday Jesse and Blake had
played their pickup basketball game. Jesse hadn’t seen the guy
since.

Arms crossed, dressed in worn jeans and a printed
T-shirt, Sanders walked around the pump to make casual
conversation. “Where are you coming from?” he asked.

“Brandywine Falls. First time since I came back
home.” Jesse wondered at this old pal. Married, kids and divorced
so young? Jesse still found it hard to believe.

Over Jesse’s shoulder, Sanders caught sight of Drew,
who scrolled through previews of that afternoon’s shots in the
front passenger seat. Sanders nodded toward the car. “Who’s
that?”

Jesse pivoted on his heels, his adrenaline in a
spike—he’d forgotten about Drew. To Jesse’s relief, he found the
boy occupied and out of earshot. Only Eden and Blake knew of Drew
and of Jesse’s reunion with Caitlyn. Jesse didn’t want to offer
details to anyone else; not even Drew knew the story yet. “Oh,
that—I’m babysitting for someone’s kid. Just for today,” he
said.