Friends With Way Too Many Benefits (8 page)

"The skin on the head of the penis is very sensitive."

"Tell me about it." He asked hesitantly, "Is there going to be any permanent damage?"

"Let me—" Suddenly her phone rang, she pulled it from her white jacket and answered the call. "Doctor could you please hold for one second?" Returning her attention to Brian, she rose from her seat. "Sorry, I've been waiting for this and I'll just be one minute."

"Okay."

When she entered the hall, she found Victoria leaning against the wall, waiting. Becky rolled her eyes and moved a few steps away while speaking into the phone. When she ended the call two minutes later, the doctor headed back toward the examination room and Victoria stepped in front of her. "Is he ok? It's not serious is it?"

Becky gave her a tired look.

"Come on, I was the maid of honor at his wedding. I'm best friends with his wife. You know Jillian don't you?"

"Yes, sure. But unless he gives his consent for me to discuss this with you I can't."

"I've seen him naked," Victoria announced as if that would make some sort of difference.

Becky shot her an odd look. "That's fantastic, but—"

"More than once." Victoria widened her eyes.

"Again, the law is really clear here and unless—"

"Look." Victoria took a step closer and poked a finger at Becky as she whispered, "Unless you want your husband to find out about your activities at Ginger's bachelorette party, I think you should answer my questions. All of them."

Becky looked at her, horrified. "I will not be—"

"Oh, you will... or what happens in Vegas will not stay in Vegas. Got me?"

"You wouldn't dare."

"You know, I didn't realize a man could do a lap dance like that to a woman." Narrowing her eyes, Victoria put her finger to her lips. "I mean, I've never seen anything like that before in my—"

"All right. All right!" Becky looked around nervously then stepped into an empty hallway motioning for Victoria to follow. "But I'll only speak in generalities."

"Great. You see if anything happened to him, Jillian would be devastated."

"I understand."

"Is it anything serious?" Victoria asked.

"No, he's going to be fine."

"Thank God." Victoria breathed a sigh of relief.

"What happened?"

"He burned himself."

"Where?"

"Let's just say..." Becky rubbed her chin. "It's in a sensitive area."

"His rear end?"

She shook her head no and widened her eyes.

"His penis?"

She nodded.

"He's got such a cute one too. I mean, it's pretty big, but it's cute."

"It's not so cute anymore, but it will heal."

"That's good, because Jillian is a big fan—"

"I'm sure she is. Now if there's nothing else, I've really..." Becky's eyes widened with a realization. "Wait! Is this the same Brian who played that horrible trick on you when you were pregnant?"

"That's him." Victoria smiled.

"Oh my God! That was awful, I mean, faking a seizure in front of a woman your age and in your condition..." Becky's jaw fell wide open. "He could have really compromised your pregnancy."

"What do you mean
my
age?" Victoria gawked at her, insulted.

"I mean, you're not exactly a young woman."

"Well, no, but—"

"Look, all I'm saying is that was a horrible thing for him to do."

Victoria shrugged. "I agree, but—"

"You want to get him back?" Becky flashed her a grin.

"What do you mean?"

Doctor Conners stepped close to her and whispered in her ear.

Victoria covered her mouth to keep from laughing out loud. "But isn't that against some sort of Doctor's oath or HIPAA regulation or something?"

Becky dismissed her with a wave of her hand. "Oh, those are more just like general guidelines. So, do you wanna?"

"Well..." Victoria shrugged, unconvinced.

"He definitely has it coming."

"He sorta does." Victoria grinned and leaned in to whisper in her ear.

Becky returned to the room wearing a somber expression. "Sorry about the wait. I needed to confer with a colleague about your condition."

"Confer... why?"

Sitting on the rolling chair, she slid in close to him. "Please drop your shorts again and stand."

He stood up and displayed his parts for her. She took a close look, narrowing her eyes. "Oh my, she was right!"

"Who... what? Who was right?"

"Doctor Flannigan."

"I'm sorry, I'm just—"

"Look, Mr. Nash. I think you'd better sit down for this."

"Oh my God, really?" He carefully pulled up his shorts and slowly took a seat.

"It's a…" Pushing back away from him, she rose to her feet and turned away struggling to keep her composure. "It's a good thing that you came in when you did."

He swallowed hard and asked, breathlessly, "Why?"

"Have you heard of Necrotizing Fasciitis?"

"No." His eyes nearly popped out of their sockets. "What the hell is that?"

"You might have heard it called flesh eating bacteria?"

"What? Shit."

"Yeah, it's... yeah." She turned away, covering her mouth. After a few seconds she returned to look him in the eye. "We're starting to see more and more cases of this."

"And it's... it's on my..." He nodded his head down toward his groin.

"Yes, it's taken hold of the cap of the corpus spongiosum and is spreading at an incredibly rapid rate."

"And somehow I got all this from a simple burn? How is that even—"

"The burn opened the gateway for the infection."

"Holy shit." He dropped his head into his hands.

"There's good news."

Slowly raising his head, he gave her an uneasy smile. "What's that?"

"We caught it in time."

"Great, so what, you just prescribe some ointment and I'm all set?" He gave her a hopeful look.

"Not exactly."

"Okay, so what then?"

"I'm not sure how to tell you this, but you basically have two options. Well, I guess three."

"Option one is we remove your penis and—"

"What?" He scoffed and struggled to breathe. "Um, screw that option. What's number two?"

"Yeah, I don't like that one either." She nodded her head, grimacing. "Two... we remove just the corpora cavernosa tapering it off and reconstructing your urinary tract. Or three... you keep your corpora cavernosa, but you're in desperate need of a large skin graft. In order to do that we surgically sever the entire penis, shorten it by about three inches, reattach it and use the three-inch section we removed in order to harvest the needed skin."

"You're kidding me right?"

"No, sadly I'm not. We need to make a decision soon, the longer we wait the less penile tissue we'll have to work with if you choose option three." She shrugged. "And for that matter the longer we wait even for option two the shorter your stump will be."

"Stump?" Rubbing his hands over his face, he let out a long slow breath. "Let me get this straight, so I can either have your chop off the tip and tie it off like a sausage link or you can chop off three whole inches and reattach it?"

"I like your sausage link analogy." She nodded her head. "That's exactly what it would look like."

He stared at her horrified. "Holy fuck."

"I'll have to remember that sausage link description. Thank you for that."

"Don't mention it. Wait, so those are my only options..." He appeared like he might be on the verge of an aneurism. "…seriously?"

"I'm afraid so."

"And if you..." He swallowed hard. "Cut it off and reattach it, will it, you know, actually, um, work again?"

"I'd give it about eighteen months, but there's probably a fifty five, no maybe sixty percent chance that you'd have partial function."

"Partial function?"

Holding her arm out, she flopped her wrist up and down like a limp noddle and he stared at it unblinkingly. "Can I call my wife? I need to call my wife."

"Sure, but before you do that. I'd like to get Dr. Flannigan's opinion. She's right outside and—"

"Yeah, sure, let's get a second opinion." Brian folded his arms at stared down at the floor, shivering.

Becky opened the door and in walked a tall woman dressed in scrubs, wearing a surgical cap and mask. The doctor stood behind the new visitor, curling her lip and covering her mouth. "Dr. Flannigan would like to have a look."

"Okay." With his eyes closed, Brian rose from his seat and pulled down his shorts. The masked woman got down on her knees and studied it closely. "Geez, how the hell did you do that, Bri?"

"Huh?" He looked down at the top of the woman's head, shocked.

Making eye contact with him, Victoria pulled down her mask and flashed him a grin. "Nice penis, Bri..."

"You... you—"

"Well, it was a nice one. You've got to be more careful with that thing."

"Fuck me." He slumped down in his seat and shook his head, clutching his chest and catching his breath.

Becky burst into laughter and Brian pointed her way. "Is she even a real doctor?"

"Yes," Victoria replied.

"On what planet is this even remotely okay to do to someone?"

"Um, on this one." Victoria replied.

Becky frowned. "Don't go around faking seizures in front middle aged pregnant women and—"

"Hey, I'm not middle aged?"

"Yeah, right?" Becky scoffed.

"So this is because of that whole thing?" Brian narrowed his eyes.

"Yep."

"I thought we agreed to stop all this?"

"We did, but it was her idea?" Pointing to Becky, Victoria shrugged.

"Aren't you doctors supposed to do no harm, this feels like harm... big time!"

"Like I said, I'm very protective of pregnant women."

"That I can tell... Oh and thank you. This was really fun," he said with his eyes bugging out. "So, about my, you know..."

"You're going to be fine." Becky wrote in her pad." Just apply this cream three times a day for about a week." Tearing off the prescription, she handed it to him. "Oh and also avoid using a curling iron on your pubic hair and you should be fine."

Brian held his head and sighed as the ladies broke into a giggle.

Ten days later Jillian and Brian were sitting out by the pool sipping a glass of wine at 11:25 p.m. when her cell phone rang. Picking the phone up from the table, she saw it was from her new agent. "It's Dan. I've got to take this."

"I'm kinda tired. I'm going to go up," Brian said.

"I'll be up soon."

Brian headed for the house as she answered the call, "Hi Dan."

"I've got great news. Chance wants to do the movie."

"Wonderful."

"That's not all. The reason he wants to do the movie is even better news."

"What do you mean?"

"Who's the biggest actress in Hollywood right now? Who would be your dream pick to play you in a movie?"

"Um, I don't know... Angelina Jolie."

"No, who else?"

"Cameron Diaz."

"Noooo," He grumbled. "Give me one more name."

"Dan, just tell me," she said in a tired voice.

"Amanda Joseph," He said in a slow yet enthusiastic tone. "Turns out she's a big fan of the books and read the screenplay and she wants to do it. She wants it bad."

Jillian stared off across the moonlit pool with her eyes glazing over.

"Jillian? Jillian?"

"What."

"Did you hear me? Are we breaking up?"

"Huh, no… Really Amanda Joseph?"

"Yes, can you believe it? Fucking Amanda Jo… She actually started playing tennis after she read the novel last year and she's really into it now."

"Oh… um, I'm not sure I, uh, see her playing the role."

"You’re kidding right?"

"No, I thought we were close to getting Reese."

"The studio doesn't want her now because of that whole police incident with her husband and the DUI."

"What about Leslie Mann? Weren't they talking to her?"

"She's doing the sequel to Titanic."

"What, how could there be a sequel. The boat sunk, I mean, where can the story really go from there?"

"I have no idea, but Jillian, listen to me. One of the biggest romantic comedy stars wants to be in your movie. In fact we only got Chance on board because of Amanda. Her involvement in this film basically guarantees its success."