Fractured (The Volkov Mafia Series Book 3) (5 page)

Cami.

Bang, bang, bang.

Who the fuck is banging on my door at this time of the night? I rush out of the living room to answer and give whoever is stood on that side a piece of my mind, I have got a baby upstairs trying to sleep.

I throw open the door and stand there gaping at the man who is standing before me. “Malc,” I whisper and the shock suddenly fades. What? How? Why? Then I realise I need to speak those questions not just think them. “What are you doing here?” I demand.

“I’m here for you both, especially after that call, it ripped out the last piece of my soul, Camilla.” His words are like a knife straight in my heart, to the point and blunt as ever. That is one of the things I love about my moody husband, no matter what he feels he tells you straight, no bullshit.

“I don’t want you here, Malc, please go home.” I know my words die in the air between us as he just pushes past me into the house. The thought of him being here inside my home sends heat straight to my core and I realise no matter the fantasies he still takes my breath away. Real life is so much better.

“You don’t have a fucking choice, Camilla. You took four months away from me.” His voice thunders through the open space of the hallway.

“Keep your voice down, Malcolm. Charlie is asleep, I don’t want him waking,” I say in my sternest voice, knowing that when I call him Malcolm he listens, most of the time anyway.

Before I know what’s happening, I am pushed up against the nearest solid wall and his mouth drops to mine, his hands fist into my hair and he tilts my head making me gasp so that I open for him. My anger recedes just that little bit, while I relish in the fact that his mouth is on mine again. Oh God, his tongue dances with mine in one of the rawest and most passionate kisses I have ever had. I relax, my body melting into him, and I can feel the outline of his cock pressing into my tummy. The thought of him pinning me against the wall should annoy me and make me feel powerless but it never has with Malc – whatever he does to me I accept willingly. He breaks the kiss and I whimper at the loss, looking into his eyes I see it all, the need, want, heartbreak, anger and loss. I can see he is on the edge of pulling away from me, regaining his composure. “Please, Malc,” I say to him, making sure to let him hear the desire in my voice.

“We shouldn’t, Camilla, it’s not right. We need to talk.” His words still my desire for a fraction of a second. But I cling myself tighter to him not wanting him to pull away from me again, I need this, I need him.

“Please, Malc, I need this.” I suddenly feel him pull completely away from me, the hard look in his eyes tells me that what I have said has pissed him off. But before I can speak again to try and soothe him…

“You need this? So that’s all you want is it, the sex? It always boils down to sex, Camilla. No, I won’t do it again, we need to talk.” He releases me and walks off further into the house. To see him in my home is like a settling of peace over my soul, but it can’t stay as he won’t be here long. I can almost see right here and now that whatever he wants to talk about we both are definitely not going to agree on. The thought saddens me that he is going to leave us again. I stand at the living room door acting as a block between Malc and the upstairs to where Charlie sleeps.

“So what do you want to talk about?” There is nothing I want more than to jump into his arms and wrap my legs around his truly sculpted waist, but I speak to calm these racing thoughts inside my mind. He wants to talk, fine, we will talk. Although I am not so sure he will like what I have to say.

“You and Charlie are coming back home,” he says matter-of-factly.

“You know we can’t. I won’t go back, Malc, and you can’t fucking make me.” I try so hard not to raise my voice but when he is saying things like this to me I can’t help but get worked up quickly. I won’t go back, I can’t be in that life he leads. It is wrong on so many levels and I won’t risk mine or Charlie’s lives. I have been through hell with what that life entails and I won’t go back. I have more important things to think about now.

“You will. I don’t care that you don’t want to, Camilla. You took my only living son from me for four months, you won’t do it again, he comes home with me.” I drop down to the floor and the tears start to fall now as I am thrust back into the nightmare that was my life. No matter how much I know that Jake is dead and he can’t hurt me anymore, I just can’t face it. My scars burn and itch at the memories alone, there will always be somebody else that wants to hurt us, wants to use us to get at Malc or Damien. My mind is racing at the memories. My panic is consuming me and I try to back pedal on my bum out of that room, shuffling away from the pain. I feel a hand clamp onto my arm and I scream. No, not again I keep thinking, not again, please no, I can’t survive this again it broke me last time. I try to pull away from the hand that is holding onto me, I kick my legs and thrash anything to try and escape, I won’t be caught, not again.

“Camilla, stop!” I know that voice, as I try to place where I am, and who I’m with, the fog starts to clear a little and I realise I am at home. I am safe nothing can hurt me again.

“Malc,” I whisper, coming back from the brink of my meltdown. “I can’t, Malc, don’t make me, please.” That last comment causes my chest to heave again and then, as my mind clears more, I hear the crying from upstairs and I know that I have woken Charlie up. My mind was lost, not even aware of anyone with me but him
‘Jake’
. I try to get myself up so that I can go to Charlie to comfort him.

“I want to go,” I hear Malc say to me, so I just nod. What else can I do? I can’t say no, Malc, you can’t have your son. I hear his footsteps on the staircase so I try to bring myself back in control taking deep breaths. I make myself stand up and walk into the kitchen, the sudden dizzy spell I get has me reaching out to grab onto the wall for support until it passes. It is always the same after I have had a meltdown and try to move past it too quickly, the drain on my mind and body is torture. That’s why I use my distractions; they stop me remembering everything and now that Malc is here I want to have that distraction again, I need it, to numb the pain. I feel the cold of the tiled floor as I walk into the kitchen. I wander slowly over to the stove to put the kettle on; I need a cup of tea and to warm up some milk for Charlie. I don’t think I could manage to feed right now, especially being so emotional, but that’s not the only reason, I don’t think I could manage to have Malc see me feed him, that’s just for me and Charlie. I take out one of the expressed milks that I made earlier for him, my body does not seem to understand that I only have one baby to feed as it makes enough to feed more. My breasts are full all of the time so I express to feel relief, that is until they fill up again. Every time I hear his laugh or cry or cuddle him close to me, they weep. But I won’t stop feeding him, it’s the only time I feel close to them both. The pain of only having one to feed guts me every time I do.

I reach up to take the jug from the cupboard, turning the whistling kettle off just after I place the jug on the side. I fill it with water and place the bottle of milk inside, knowing that Charlie won’t settle back down without a feed.

Grabbing two cups I drop the teabags inside pouring the water onto them. I turn back around to get the milk from the fridge and I stop in my tracks. There stood just inside the doorway is Malc, cuddling Charlie close in his arms, and I feel guilt rip through me, looking over at them together. I see the love in his eyes as he looks at his son and I want to run and hide, burrow in my shame of keeping them apart. What right do I have really? I try to get my feet to work and stop gaping at the sight before me, but it’s hard. It is like my mind wants to capture this moment and put it away for a rainy day. I quickly get on with it shutting down my thoughts; no I don’t need this now, I need him to leave so I can get on with my life. I place the two cups of tea on the pine table in the kitchen and take my seat. Waiting, for what I don’t know.

“Look how beautiful he is, Cami.” I almost reply instantly then I realise that he called me Cami. That is the first time he has ever called me that, it has always been Camilla. I think he used to do it because he knew how much I hated the use of my full name, so he used to say it all the time. But when I asked him about it months ago he told me it was because it was beautiful, just like me.

“He looks so much like you. It kills me most days and I have a constant reminder that I don’t have you,” I say to him. “Why did you call me Cami?” I ask him, I can’t help but wonder why. He looks up at me when I have asked and I can see the confusion in his eyes.

“I hadn’t realised I had called you Cami.” And with his words I know them to be true, that is one thing that Malc does not do, he won’t lie to anyone, even to save face, it’s just not him.

“Ok,” is all I say in reply because there does not need to be a longer answer. He takes the bottle from the jug, checking the temperature on the inside of his wrist, and proceeds to feed Charlie and I hear the little sucking noises that are coming from him. That’s how we are when we are together; there does not need to be conversation to make us comfortable, we can just sit in a silence and know that we don’t need to pacify each other with meaningless words.

Watching him look after his son I notice that he seems really at ease with what he is doing, like he has had practice at feeding and winding, and even how to hold a four month old. I get another stab of guilt realising that he might have done all of this with Faith and Damien’s baby, Anya. So I decide to ask.

“You seem to know what you’re doing with Charlie.” I make the statement and that’s what it is, a statement. It should have been us doing this together, learning as a couple how to care for our baby, but that’s all on me not him. I ran, but he never came after me before now, he never chased or begged to be with us. No, we aren’t good enough, and that’s the crux of the problem here, he can’t leave that life and we are not enough for him. “Here let me take him back up to bed,” I say to Malc, reaching out to take the sleeping baby from his arms.

I place Charlie down in his cot and tuck him in, he does not even wake. I stand for a few minutes watching him, he looks so peaceful and I wonder if he ever misses his brother. They say twins have a special bond and there it is again, the worry that I have failed them both, and Malc. My useless body could not look after the two children and only gave enough strength to have one of our boys. I wipe the tears from my cheeks and lean over placing a gentle kiss onto Charlie’s forehead. Right, time to go face the music. I turn to leave the bedroom and come face to face with Malc’s chest. I slowly lift my eyes to meet his and I am lost in the beautiful depths, they hold so much emotion, I feel like I am a sinking ship when looking into them. His hands meet my waist to steady me and I don’t want to fight, I want to feel anything but this guilt.

“Please, Malc, just this last time for me,” I say to him. He knows what I want and what I need from him right now; I need him to fuck me hard and fast, make me hurt. He leans his head down to my ear and I think he is going to place kisses all the way down my neck but he doesn’t, he whispers in my ear.

“I won’t fuck you but I will make love to my wife. If you want that then I am here, but you won’t goad me, Camilla.” I sag against him knowing that he has won. I don’t need a fuck that is quick and emotionless just to get off, right now I need him.

“Make love to me, Malc,” I say to him, hoping that I don’t piss him off this time. I soon get my answer when he scoops me up in his arms. I automatically wrap my legs around his waist, clinging on and kissing his neck, using my tongue to trace the line where my kisses have been.

“I need to love you, Camilla, not fuck you. I need to wake up in the morning and feel you in my arms, baby.” His words soothe my broken heart a little, knowing that he wants me still after all this time. He swore the last time we were together that he would never fuck me when I wanted to use him as a distraction again.

He places me on the bed and peels my top from my body; the cool air of the bedroom hits my skin and I feel my nipples react to his eyes and his hands. Oh God, no it’s not, my body just reacts to him. He traces a path down my body, kisses every scar and tears spring to my eyes again, not because I don’t want him to but because after what I went through he still finds my body perfect. He says that my scars are a part of me and that I should own them because they don’t mean I was weak. I have them because I was strong and I fought to find my way back. His eyes linger on my tummy and I look down to find him looking at my stretch marks. I try to cover my tummy with my hands but he bats them away.               “I want to look at the ones that you have from bringing both of my sons into the world.” I nod and rest my head back as I feel him kiss each stretch mark, his hands go to the waist band of my shorts and he gently tugs them down over my hips and lower until he pulls them off completely. He stands up off the bed to rid himself of his clothes, taking each item off and just throwing them wherever they fall. He leans back down and I spread my legs wider so that he can nestle in between them where he belongs. He gently kisses back up my body until he comes face to face with me. I look into his eyes to try and see what he is feeling, to see weather he really wants this or if he is just doing it for me. I can feel myself getting wetter with every passing moment, the need to rub and get some sort of friction from his body is driving me insane. He places his mouth around my nipple and gently sucks it into his mouth, I hear him hum as he sucks and the sensation is crazy. It tingles all the way to my core setting off a need so great I don’t think I can wait much longer, but I know he needs this need to savour every inch of me. I look down as he lets go of my nipple and makes his way to the other one. I can feel the large pierced head of his cock at my entrance and I am dying to tilt my hips to try and sway him to enter, but I hold off the urge, letting him decide when.