Fractured (The Volkov Mafia Series Book 3) (8 page)

“What’s the matter, Camilla?” I ask her, already knowing the answer as she steps closer to me, wrapping her arms around my stomach. I clench at the feel of her arms around me.

“I need you, Malc,” she says. I close my eyes at her words, knowing it is her way, that she wants a fuck, she does not want me to make love to her. She wants me to fuck her and show her what she needs to ease the pain. It’s her way of coping and I know I shouldn’t but I don’t want her pulling away from me again, running back to Scotland at the first hurdle. So I reside myself to my fate because right now I am going to show her what months of pent up emotion will do to a man.

I spin around and grasp her face in my hands, slamming my mouth down on hers. I give her no time to form a protest as I capture her mouth, taking it for my own. She gasps when my teeth nip at her bottom lip and when she opens for me I don’t hesitate, I push my tongue past her lips and entwine it with hers. The sweet taste of candy assaults my senses and I lose it. Gripping her thighs in my hands I turn her, slamming her against the shower wall. “Is this what you want, baby?” I ask, not really giving two shits about a reply.

“Yes,” she breathes, as I nip all the way down her neck to her chest, leaving little bites all over her tits. God, they are fucking beautiful tits, I want to mark them permanently. If I could get my name tattooed on each one, I would. My dick is rock hard straining to find it’s release. “Please, Malc, fuck me.” I don’t care that I should have said no, told her I was not doing this anymore, I am too far gone now. I thrust upwards finding her pussy with ease and thrusting in to the hilt. A small yelp leaves her throat as my piercing finds her g-spot, her walls clench around me as I pull back trying to keep myself inside. I thrust back in hard, pushing her up the wall of the shower. Knowing I won’t last much longer I take her weight on my thighs and one arm, bringing the other to her clit. I rub it gently at first but as my thrusts get faster and deeper I begin to rub harder.

I slam back inside of her, spurred on by her moans of pleasure. I can feel the pressure in my balls as they draw up tight ready for release, I know she is nearly there; I can feel it in her breathing and the tension in her muscles. Bending my head to her neck I continue to pump harder and faster inside of her, drawing out her orgasm. I lift my head slightly and sink my teeth into the side of her neck, I feel her tighten around me, screaming out my name as she falls off the cliff. I quickly follow in my release, coating her insides. I pull out and place her feet back on the shower floor. Turning away from her I quickly wash and get out leaving her still stood there.

I ignore her calls, dry myself and get into bed, lying on my side and trying to hide the tear that slips free. I may have given her what she needs, but now I feel shit, what’s that saying, ‘damned if you do, damned if you don’t.’

Cami

What have I done? I can’t get the thought out of my head; my life is a mess – between Malc and the argument that is bound to happen with Faith. What am I supposed to do? I came back here to be with Malc, to try and make this work. He deserves that much, I know. But as I lie in bed, not wanting to get up and face the day, I can’t help slipping back into the darkness. My skin crawls with the thought of
Jake’s
touch. Oh God, I remember the pain, the wicked glint in his eyes as I fought back, the feel of his dick as he forced his way inside, I can still hear his laugh echoing inside my mind, taunting me. I can’t shake the feeling and I never have been able to. The only time I feel normal, without haunting thoughts, is when Malc is inside of me. He makes me forget the pain. He makes me forget him. But I can’t do this to him anymore, use him for my own pleasure, and that’s what it is. I take what I want from him, what I need from him, without any regard for what he wants. In that sense I am no better than
Jake
.

I slowly crawl out of bed knowing that I have to face this, be better for him and Charlie. That is what I need to strive for, to one day be able to make love to my husband and feel complete, when he is gentle and loving, not having to have him fuck me and use me, to stop me feeling like I am not worth love, his love.

Malc is still asleep in the bed at the side of me, so I decide to leave him there. No point waking him to start another row. I think about last night and the way he stood his ground, backed me up, not once did he say to Faith that I was wrong. Even if he thought it he sided with me. Behind closed doors he can speak his mind, but at least I know he has my corner when we are in front of everyone else.

I carry Charlie downstairs with me, heading to the kitchen for my morning brew, without that tea I won’t function like a normal human. Sitting at the table with Charlie in my arms looking out to the garden, the house is grand, don’t get me wrong it is beautiful, but it holds memories I want to forget. This is the house from where I had to leave my home to stay safe, but knowing that he walked the halls of this house and slept in a room with me cripples me, it pulls at the strings of my heart, twisting them. He led us to that warehouse from this very house, having us think we were safe with him, that we would just be going shopping, not that we ever made it to any shops. The flash backs are coming thick and fast now that I am back here, I knew coming back would not help, but I have to try for Malc, I have to try.

“That’s it fight me bitch you’re not the prize but you’re a damn good consolation.” His grip tightens around my throat as the blade bites into my skin. I know that thrashing against him is making it worse, but I won’t stop fighting, I can’t, that’s not who I am. “You don’t like it do you? Just wait until I sink my cock so deep inside, you will scream for me and I will relish in every minute.” Another slice of the blade cuts my body, his grip never wavers. How am I supposed to survive this? I don’t want to.

“Cami, are you ok?” Faith’s words pull me from my flashback. Not sure what to say, the silent tears cascade down my cheeks and on to the top of Charlie’s hair.

“I will be, it’s just being back here… the pain comes flooding back,” I say to her, what more can I really say, it’s the truth.

“So now you have had your morning tea, can we talk?” It’s nice knowing that after all this time – months and months of being apart – she remembers that I am useless without my tea. I just nod my head to let her know that we can talk, not sure if anything will be resolved or if she will understand, but it would be nice to get rid of the pain of blaming Faith for all of this. I know deep down it’s not her fault but I can’t help but feel that it is. I want to move past it, I just want my friend back.

“So when did you marry, Malc?” Trust Faith to just jump straight in, not slowly lead up to the questions.

“When I was pregnant,” I say and I know my answer is not what she wants to hear. She wants details but I can’t give it all yet, she has to understand first.

“Why did you not tell me, Cami? One call just to say, hey I’m pregnant and I am marrying Malc.” I hear the hurt in her voice that she did not know.

“I did not want to burden you with it all, Faith. You would have made me stick around to try, and I couldn’t do it.” At the time I was shattered. Malc had threatened to cut me off at the time – not give me my fix if I refused to marry him. What was I supposed to do? I was in love with him but I could not face the happily every after. I did not deserve it. My body was a mess, my mind was shattered and I was carrying a part of Malc, which gave me hope, but also threatened to destroy my mind.

“You would not have burdened me, Cami, you’re my best friend. I wanted to be there for you, to help you get over everything that had happened to you.” Her words cut me deep, how can she say that to me after everything I did, I only went to her wedding because Malc made me go. He was the only one at the time that could get through the fog.

“I was angry with everyone at the time, Faith. Malc was the only one I needed to help me through it. He was my lifeline.” I don’t mean the words to hurt, but I can see it in her eyes that they have.

“I would have been there if you’d have let me, Cami. I wanted to be there.” She looks to Charlie sat on my lap, a look of pure love for him in her eyes.

“Tell my about Anya,” I say to her. “Malc told me about her. I am sorry I never came to see her, but if I did you would have seen my bump and you would have been more concerned with me than yourself.” She thinks I don’t know her, but I do. She would help out anyone, even if that meant putting herself aside.

“She is just like her dad, a demanding little thing that is spoilt rotten.” She giggles at her words, but you can see how much she means to her. The love for that little girl flows through every ounce of her body.

“Now, stop avoiding me and talk about this handsome little boy.” See now that is something that is going to be hard as he is one half of a whole, but I will try to be honest, no more secrets.

“This is Charlie. He is nearly five months old and looks like his dad. I can’t get over how alike they are, it’s uncanny,” I say to her trying to make my voice sound as upbeat as I can, it’s not that talking about Charlie is not good but it makes me sad that I can’t talk about Andrew like this.

“He is beautiful, Cami, you and Malc must be so proud of him?” I cast my eyes down; knowing what I am going to say next will break her heart.

“I am so proud, I just wish his brother was still with us,” I tell her, I notice her go still at my words and I know what question is going to come next.

“What brother? Did you miscarry recently, is that why Malc brought you here?”

“No, that’s not why he brought me here, Faith. Andrew died in his dad’s arms not long after he was born, he is Charlie’s twin.” Now I can’t stop the tears from falling freely as I look at the crestfallen look on her face.

“Oh God, Cami, I didn’t know. I am so sorry, is that why you ran away?”

“I did not run away like a coward, I went where all this shit could not follow us. I wanted to deal with the death of my son, somewhere Jake would not haunt my every waking thought, Faith. I left my husband and my dead son’s grave so that I did not have to watch this life take someone else who I loved. It already claimed you and I wouldn’t do it. I won’t be part of this life.” I start to shout at her, trying to rein my temper in as Charlie starts to get upset on my knee. I get up with him and hold him close, walk to where his pram is located at the other side of the kitchen and place him inside, pushing him back towards the table, sitting back on my seat, feeling a little better that I’m not holding little man anymore. They say that babies can pick up on your emotions and the last thing I want is to feed him my emotional distress.

“You think this life has taken me, but you are wrong, Cami. I stay because I love my man and would not be without him. I did not give up at the first hurdle and that’s where we differ. I stay and fight for what I want, I don’t run and hide with my tail between my legs like you. Camilla, you are a coward. Yes, you had a shit time and that is partially my fault, you have friends and family here that would have helped you through it.” The words she utters break my heart, I am not a coward I did what I thought was right, didn’t I? I can’t keep questioning myself, how was I supposed to stay and fight when I could hardly fight for myself. The only person who got me through everything was Charlie, without having him depending on me I would still be reeling from everything going on. The black hole in my heart started to heal the second I looked into my boy’s eyes, and I dealt with the loss of Andrew. I kept waking up every morning and looking into Charlie’s eyes knowing he needed me. He needed me to fight, he needed my love, he needed my strength, and so every morning for months I pushed myself to get up and feed him, change him, love him, even though my heart was numb for the loss of Andrew. I can’t say I’m over the loss of my son, I don’t think any mother that loses their child ever recovers from having their heart fractured, but time will help to numb it, so that you can think about them, relive the precious moments that you spent with them. You have to live for them, honour their memory, and love them until you meet again. I am under no illusions that when my time on earth is done, I will get my time with Andrew.

“It is not as easy as you make out, Faith. You don’t have a constant reminder painted all across your body, I do. I hate that he has been in this house, slept in a bed here, under everyone’s noses and we were none the wiser to his plans. I can’t risk anyone ever getting to us like that again. I won’t be used as a pawn again, and my child will not be a pawn to power trip games or revenge.”

“It’s not like that and you know it. Do you think we would let it happen again? I have my own child to think about now and Anya’s safety is paramount to me and Damien; we have the best guards surrounding her. Anton now vets everybody that comes into this house, we won’t risk anyone again.” She seems so sure it won’t happen again, but how can she be sure, as long as she is in this life, she will be in danger. She may have chosen this but Anya sure as hell hasn’t.

“You can’t stop everyone, Faith, as long as you’re in this life the dark will always find its way.” I need to stop this conversation now before it pisses me off completely, I need to get Charlie ready, I want out of this place.

“You may be right, but Damien won’t let anything happen to us again.” With her words I see that she loves him completely and trusts him implicitly. I just hope that if that day ever comes it will be enough. Time to try and fix this mess – we are never going to see eye to eye on this topic.

“Look let’s just move past this, I don’t want to fight anymore, Faith. I want to get to know Anya and I want you to know Charlie,” I say, hoping that it’s enough for her to drop it; my eyes plead with her to let it rest.

“You’re right, let’s go and spend some time getting to know the kids, and take them to the park or something?” Faith freely offering to go outside with no hesitation, damn I have missed a lot. At one point I had to drag her out and even then it was only to see a therapist, even then it was straight home, Damien has at least brought her back to life. I just hope someone can help me.

“That sounds great. Let’s get them ready and then we can go.” The sooner I get out of this house the better, I don’t care if it’s to the park or a hotel, I want out.

I take Charlie upstairs to get him washed and dressed. Opening the door, I see that the bed is empty and I feel a pang of disappointment hit me when I see that he has gone, but after all the shouting, I’m not surprised that he was woken up. I don’t hear the shower running so he is definitely not in the bathroom or bedroom. I grab some clothes for little man out of his bags and lay him down on the bed, making quick work of changing and dressing him. I place him back in the cot so that I can grab a quick shower and a change of clothes.

The hallway is empty when I make my way downstairs; I get the baby strapped into his pram, all ready to leave for the park.

“Where are you going, Camilla?” I hear the deep tones of Malc’s voice and whip my head around. He looks stunning, stood there in a navy suit with a crisp white shirt on and the top buttons slightly undone, teasing me with a glimpse of his defined chest.

“Faith and I are going to take the children to the park and have a catch up.” There is no point telling him about our words this morning, I don’t want to cause friction between anyone.