Forgive Me (21 page)

He picks up his phone, and I can hear his rushed tone. “What’s up? Everything okay? I’m at work.” Right, I forgot he was going in for a few hours today.

“Forgot you were at work, I’m just… lost.” I say the last word like I’m a child about to get scolded for eating those extra cookies out of the jar.

He doesn’t say anything for a moment, then everything in the background becomes silent. His tone evens out when he speaks again. “I can’t have this conversation right now, Lexi. I’m at work. My wedding is-“

“No, no, Zander. Not about
us.
I’m actually lost… in the woods. I’m on Faith’s horse and can’t get ahold of anyone else.” This is so embarrassing.

Especially when he starts to laugh. “How in the hell did you get lost? Jesus, Lex.”

“Stop it. I’m getting scared. It’s been almost a half hour now.”

I can hear his sigh before a long, painful pause. “I’ll call you when I get onto the trail. Give me twenty minutes to get there, and please don’t go anywhere. I don’t need you getting even more lost or for you to lose cell phone reception.”

“Okay, thank you,” I hurry up and say before it goes silent on the other end. I look around again and decide to embrace being out here alone. The fresh air, the freedom, the escape. I try to ignore the flutters happening in my stomach over the fact Zander is about to become my savior. It’s a little pathetic of me to even think about, but I’ve been a whole lot of pathetic since I arrived here two weeks ago.

My phone rings ten minutes later and I look down to see Faith’s name pop up. “Hey,” I answer. Her phone had gone straight to voicemail, so I didn’t think she’d had known I had just called her.

With a thick voice she says, “Hey, you back to the house yet?”

“Not yet, I actually-“

“Can you hurry, Lexi?” Her voice cracks and I can tell she is crying. Faith crying? This can’t be good. I thought that girl was all sunshine, unicorns, and butterflies. So that means this must be something pretty horrible.

“I will try, but it’s going to be like a half hour.”
I hope.
“What is the matter, Faith?”

She starts to sob and my heart breaks for the dear girl. “It’s your mom, Lexi, she… she’s gone.”

Everything in the world around me comes to a sudden standstill. I knew it was coming, obviously, and I was prepared for it. That is, until I visited with her yesterday and learned the truth. I finally understand my mom, I finally have respect and love for her, I finally connected to her, and she leaves. She is gone. And I’m more heartbroken than I thought I would be. And I’m alone, in the woods, lost.

“I’ll be there as soon as I can be.”

“Okay, I’ll meet you at the house,” she says with a sniffle. “We’re going to the hospital. We’re going to meet everyone there.”

“No, just go,” I tell her. “I’ll meet you all there. I got a ride.”

She pauses before she asks quietly, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, Faith. Go. I’ll see you in a bit. Please drive careful.”

“I’ll see you then,” she says before hanging up. I hold the phone to my chest as I attempt to hold back the tears. I want to keep my emotions at bay, at least for right now. This isn’t the place or time to break down. I can wait until I’m at the hospital with everyone else. Or later tonight when I’m in bed all alone.

It’s less than five minutes later when Zander calls to tell me he just got on the trail. I explain the first two paths I went on, then the third I got lost on. We stay on the phone the entire time, and with a little frustration on his part, I finally see him come into view, riding bareback on one of Clay’s horses. He looks so handsome, especially the way his cowboy hat is placed upon his head, and the look of relief on his face when he sees me.

When we meet up together, he immediately lays into me. “I cannot believe you got lost out here, Lexi. You’re lucky I answered my phone. Hell, you’re lucky I found you. What were you thinking not paying attention?” And like that, his smile is gone, my emotions come to the forefront, and the flood gates break open.

“I didn’t mean to make you cry,” he says softly, reaching his hand forward, laying it over mine.

“After I got off the phone with you, Faith called to say my mom passed away.” Wiping at my face, I look up to Zander. “I just forgave her yesterday, Zander. Yesterday! And she is gone. I didn’t get to know her. I didn’t get to have a real mom, and I’ll never have one.”

He whispers out some profanities I don’t even notice before saying, “I’m so sorry.”

I know he is saying it out of habit, but it melts my heart either way hearing him say it.

“Whatever. Just- can we go back?” I pull up the bottom part of my tank top to wipe at my face, not even caring if Zander can see the creases of my stomach.

After a couple second of nothing, he finally says, “Yeah, let’s go.”

We ride back the rest of the way in silence, and once we’re back at the horse’s pen, he helps me get them put away. Walking out of the barn, I ask him, almost embarrassed, “Can you bring me to the hospital?”

Zander’s hand rests on my lower back. “Whatever you need.” If only he knew how much everything he has done for me in the last hour means to me. More than I can ever tell him, that much is for sure.

Outside the hospital, Zander places it in park and looks over at me. “Do you need me? Because I’m sure Emerson would understand. I could-“

“It’s fine. Thanks, but no. You have a wedding tomorrow and rehearsal tonight or whatever. I’ll be fine.”

He looks at me for a few moments, his eyes roaming my face before he seems to accept what I said with the softest head nod. “Okay. I’ll see you later then.”

“Are you keep Justin overnight, or will you be dropping him off later? I believe his suit is at Clay’s.”

“Call me when you’re done here.”

“Thank you, Zander. For everything.”

My heart is actually breaking for many different reasons.

The most obvious is the fact that my mom died the day after I discovered the true her. The woman I could have loved and admired, but instead resented.

Then I sat in the waiting room, watching my dad- who will always be known as my father, biological or not- break down. No, not just break down, it was so much more. He actually curled into himself on a bench and cried. A full grown man crying is one thing, but watching my dad sob himself into an obliterated mess over the loss of his wife, it wrecked me. I felt more helpless than I ever have in my entire life.

My siblings, my Aunt Cheryl, and everyone else here all sat like me, zombified with silent tears running down our faces. The thing about death is everyone forgets the very first stage of grief. It’s not denial and isolation, its actually just the opposite. You sit there, stunned and terrified, as hundreds, maybe even thousands, of thoughts go rushing through your mind at once. Some good, some bad, some long forgotten. You relive your life with that person, even for a few moments. Then denial throws itself into the mix and those thoughts elapse as you try desperately to believe the person didn’t really pass away.

My dad, he is at the denial stage. The rest of us, we’re in the land of long forgotten.

As time went on, those of us who wanted to visit our mom could. I’m not sure what it was about the moment, but as everyone shook their heads no, I stood up and went with the nurse into the other room. Behind a closed curtain laid my mom on a metal table, completely unrecognizable, but at the same time, she looked the woman I knew when I was just a child.

I had sat on that cold stool next to her for close to twenty minutes before I was told they needed to discuss funeral arrangements. Thankfully my mom had most of that taken care of ahead of time, but with what was forgotten by her, or unable to be done by her, we finished.

After leaving the hospital, we all make it to my dad’s house. Zander drops me off, having stuck around to this point, and before I climbed out of his truck he said, “I’m going to get back to the house. I’m sure Justin is being put to work with wedding things, and I know I need to help out.”

I let him go, knowing I had my siblings to lean onto. They know what this feels like, he doesn’t.

Once we all got passed the first few moments of shock and heartache, we reminisced. It hurt not having all the memories they did, but I understood. At one point, my dad got up from the couch, not able to handle any more talk of mom and I went after him. Just as he was climbing the stairs, I called, “Dad.”

He paused and his head dropped down, but he didn’t say anything, and he certainly didn’t turn around. I decided to continue. “Mom told me yesterday.” I know I don’t need to clarify. He nods his head so softly I almost don’t see it, but aside from that, he remained still, so I continued. “You were my dad. You’ll always be my dad. I’m sorry mom did that to you, and I’m sorry I was just a reminder of what happened. But you worked hard and provided for us all, and you stuck around to be a man. I respect you a lot for that, and even though you don’t like to look at me, I want you to know I love you.”

I started turning around when his hoarse voice says. “I love you, too. Always have.” Then I listened as he climbed the stairs. After quickly wipping away the tears, I walk into the living room to re-join everyone. My Aunt Cheryl had already left, so it was my siblings and in-laws left.

Magnolia said, “Her go-to drink was a Bloody Mary. I say those of us who can actually drink all go down to the Hitter and have one in her honor.”

It didn’t take long for everyone to agree. Torin had gone upstairs to her room, and I actually felt guilty we weren’t staying at the house any longer, but when Clay asked if she wanted to join and have a virgin one, she had shook her head and said it’d be better if she didn’t.

Rease said she didn’t feel like going anywhere, but she wanted us to go. She didn’t even have the energy to go back to her apartment, and instead curled up on the couch with a movie on the TV. Looking at her before we left, she wasn’t even watching the TV, but instead was lost in what I assume to be memories of mom.

Hitter’s is a grungy little sports bar. You can be any age to enter, since they serve food for the family, however, most people that go there are in their forties or older. I never knew what it was about my mom, but she loved going there. I remember it when I was little, her packing us up and bringing us out to lunch there while dad was at work. Food was cheap, I understood that even at a young age, but it was just as cheap at any fast food joint. No, my mom loved Hitter’s, and according to my siblings, she was still going up until a few weeks back.

The five of us sat at a corner booth in the back of the place, a Bloody Mary placed in front of each of us. I never liked Bloody Marys and after the first sip, knew I never would. Out of
respect
to mom, as Clay put it, we all decided to drink just one, then we can get whatever else we want to drink afterwards.

That brings us to the now.

“Aren’t you supposed to be helping Em with her wedding stuff?” Magnolia asks Faith. We’re three drinks in and us girls seem to be feeling it. The guys have their own conversation, while us girls have ours.

Faith nods her and takes another sip of her beer. When she places it back down, she gives her a half smile. “She understands and said everything will be fine. I’m just missing rehearsal stuff, but since they’re not doing anything out of the ordinary, I should be fine tomorrow.”

I continue to sip on my apple flavored malt beverage. Its like a beer with a crisp apple taste, and I like it much more. It does the job as my body starts to feel warm all over and my head becomes lighter with each sip. With the mention of Zander and Emerson’s wedding, I become thankful for this nice little buzz I have going on.

“Oh, good,” Magnolia tells her. She is oblivious to the fact Zander is the love of my life. I think she may even be unaware to the fact that he is Justin’s father. “I still don’t see them as a couple. She is a sweetheart and all, but he has such an edge to him. Plus, he works hard and she doesn’t even have a job. They don’t even have kids. She should be putting in forty hours a week, or at least thirty.” She shakes her head, irritated by the idea as she continues sipping her margarita through a straw.

This all is news to me. I had no idea Emerson didn’t work. Doesn’t Zander know she is more than likely using him? Of course she may really love him, but she obviously doesn’t have respect for him.

Faith makes this weird snort noise. “Tell me about it. The second he proposed, she up and quits at the mini mart. God love her, but I don’t get it.”

I can feel that warmth inside of me turn into a heated mess. It shouldn’t be my business but it angers me greatly.

Magnolia waves to waitress, pausing their conversation to get a refill. I’m pretty sure she is already drunk, but I don’t say anything. I could use another at this point as well, so I tell the waitress to bring another round for us all.

When the waitress walks away, Magnolia looks back at Faith. “Didn’t you tell me she was quite the slut in college?”

Faith’s cheeks turn bright and her eyes enlarge. “Magnolia,” she hisses, “that wasn’t to be repeated.”

I can’t help the smirk that appears on my face, but I hide it behind the lip of my drink.