Forgive Me (9 page)

When Zander pulls away, I’m left panting in desire, wanting more. Needing more.

He takes a step back, making me stand back in place with a wobble and he shakes his head. “That was a mistake.”

Ouch.

“Yeah,” I nod my head, agreeing, even though my body is screaming bullshit. I know he felt the heated passion, his erection is evidence of that. But a mistake- yeah, it was a mistake. He is about to be married, we haven’t seen each other since a different lifetime, and we have so much baggage between us.

“I um.” He takes a step back, towards the door, away from me. “I need to get back outside.”

“Wait,” I call out as he reaches the door. He faces me again, his demeanor shot. “He knows about you. He wants to meet you, get to know you, as a father.”

Zander’s eyes fall to the ground, unsure of the situation. “I’m not sure if I can do that.” Then he is gone.

I stare at the spot where he was just occupying, and my heart takes its final break. He doesn’t want to get to know
our
son.
His
son. Justin, my world, my everything. His own blood related father denies getting to know him. Out of everything, that was my biggest fear. Out of everything, that was the last thing I ever actually expected from Zander.

There is a time for silence.

A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves

Into their own destiny.

And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over.

-Gloria Naylor

             I give Justin a hug when I walk back outdoors and look around over his shoulders. Its as if no one even knew I was gone for twenty minutes, while I gathered myself from the aftereffects of Zander. Thinking of Zander, he isn’t even out here.

              Once I pull away from our hug, I ask Justin how his time with his aunt was. The look on his face when he explains about their late night- well, early morning- warms me up inside. I feel bad that he never had this before but the fact he is having it right now, its pleasing. I want him to be connected to all his aunts and uncles, even my parents, but I don’t see the latter happening. At least, not right now. Not while we’re here. But now that my dad knows about him, maybe he will eventually make an effort in getting to know his only grandchild.

              I take a seat with Justin at the bench table, sitting between him and Magnolia. Everyone seems to be caught up in their own conversation, including Justin who is talking to Rease about sports some more. Its pretty amusing seeing them connect the most. Then again, they’re much closer in age than he is with my brothers.

              I mostly stare off into space, listening to surrounding topics but not involving myself in the conversations. I pick at the hamburger and pasta salad on my plate, but don’t dig in. My stomach has too much going on with it to fill it with food. I should, with all the beers I threw back, but all I can think about is that damn kiss, and what it meant. If it meant anything at all.

              And where the hell is Zander anyways?

              His lovely fiancé is at the table, talking about the wedding. He should be around.

              But, I’m going to be selfish and say, I’m sure glad he isn’t. I don’t think I could handle seeing the two of them touching or talking right now, especially kissing, not after that.

              I need to stop thinking about it too. I need to stop thinking in general. I hate him and I love him all in one. I’m so angry at him, but I’m understanding. And my body, well that is craving the hell out of him. Its nearly humming with desire, wanting more.

              Once lunch is finished, all us girls clean up while the guys start in a round of horseshoes. This includes Justin, but it excludes Zander. He still hasn’t showed his face yet his pickup is outside, so I know he is still around here somewhere. Oddly enough, Emerson hasn’t said anything. Maybe she knows where he is. I want to ask, but I don’t.

              I also want to ask if she knows Zander is Justin’s dad or not. He knew right off the bat, but it more or less could have done with his age.

              I hear laughter down the hall and immediately recognize that it’s Faiths. She yells out, “Lexi, did you uh, have an accident or something?”

              Scratching my head with wonder, I start heading that way with Rease and Magnolia following behind. When I get to the room I’m occupying, I immediately understand why she would ask. The bed is still covered in about four towels, with two more thrown by the door, the wet clothes adding to the pile. She looks over at me and laughs even more. “I didn’t even realized you changed until now.”

              My face beams red with embarrassment. Really, I shouldn’t be embarrassed, but for some odd reason I am. Maybe because I immediately think about what took place for me to be soaked with water, as well as the bed.

              I laugh it off though, alongside them. “No, no. I uh-“ In walks Emerson, great. I can’t tell the truth, not without her yelling and screaming in rampage. Okay, maybe not so much, but she would be pissed nonetheless. “I had an anxiety attack, I guess.” I shrug my shoulders looking at Faith.

              She lifts an eyebrow a quick moment before her eyes widen in understanding. “Oh, right, yeah. Well, um.” She looks over at Magnolia, Rease and Emerson. “Can you ladies give us a moment, please?”

              They end up shutting the door with soft laughter, leaving me alone with Faith. I feel as though I can trust her, but I’m not sure quite how much I should tell her, with Emerson being her best friend.

              “Spill.”

              I take a deep breath as she sits down on vanity chair in the room. She crosses her legs and tilts her head, giving me all her undivided attention. “He figured it out on his own. He started questioning me and I panicked. Next thing I know, I’m having water dumped over my head, then we talk for a minute, and he leaves.”
After a very passionate kiss,
I think but don’t say.

              Her lips purse together while she thinks on it, then slowly starts to nod her head. “Makes sense. He walked out of the house all pissed off about something. It didn’t quite click, but he said he had an emergency at ‘Ol Man Jones’ place and took off using Clay’s truck. I assumed that was the truth, I guess Emerson did too.” She looks over at the door, and my gaze immediately follows, hoping that she isn’t on the other side listening.

              “So,” Faith continues and my attention is back on her. “I take it that it didn’t go so well?”

              “Um, it went horribly. I don’t know what to do.” I exhale my built-up tension. “He doesn’t think he wants to get to know Justin. At least, that is how he made it sound, but he left before I could really ask more.”

              “He just got whiplashed into finding out he has a child, a nine year old child at that, with a girl he thought was murdered.” She lifts a brow with a semi-amused smirk. “Please. Of course he isn’t sure about things right now. I know you’re not here long, but you are here for a few weeks, so give him time. You got almost ten years, give him a few hours at least.”

              I look down to where my hands are wringing together and nod my head at her. “Yeah, you’re right. I just wish I had a way to erase all this time and make things right.”

              “Well, you can’t erase time, but you’re in the process of making things right.”

              I shrug my shoulders and look back up to her. “Kind of.”

              “What is that supposed to mean?”

              “I uh-“ The door opens and in walks Bray with her arms crossed, just as I’m about to tell Faith that Zander and I kissed. I wonder how much she just heard.

              “Go on,” she states as the door closes behind her. “Keep talking. What happened in here between you two, now that he knows you got yourself knocked up with his kid then took off?”

              I close my eyes and will myself to faint. Something. I want to get out here. This is my karma. This is what I get for waiting all these years to make amends with everyone. Since I can’t disappear and this situation isn’t going to fix itself, I do the only thing I can do- I use honesty. “We kissed for a brief moment.”

              Faith gasps while Bray chuckles. Neither of them say anything, so I open my eyes to look at them. Faith is chewing the side of her thumb nail, shaking her head back and forth. Bray is smiling with all her teeth, looking highly amused and content.

              “No offense to you Faith,” she points her stare at her before looking at me again, “but thank fucking god!”

              “Why would I take offense?” I hear Faith ask as I’m thinking the same damn thing.

              Bray continues to smile. “Because I hate Emerson, and the second I heard that Lexi was back in town, I was immediately routing for them.”

              I roll my eyes. “Thanks but no thanks.” Although, I too am routing for us, not that that’ll ever happen. I’ve already crossed a line and as much as I crave more, I know it won’t happen. It can’t happen.

              Faith startles us both when she starts to giggle. “Well,” she stands and starts walking towards the door, “we have a barbeque to get back to.” And that is that. Apparently, she has a secret or two she is keeping hidden.

              Bray pulls on my arm as I start to walk after Faith, so I turn to face her, feeling as beat down as humanly possible. One day, everything will hopefully be back in order, and life can go on. No more stress or secrets or frustration. I mumble a, “I’m sorry Bray.” Not meeting her eyes.

              “Shut up. I’m just glad your back. I knew you were okay, only because I’ve talked to your brothers more than once to know you were indeed in Ohio with your grandmother. I also knew there was more to it than that, and I knew there would be a time I’d find out. The thought of you having a child crossed my mind more than once, we were the best of friends after all. I just wish you would have gotten a hold of me at some point.”

              “I know, I was young and stupid and as I got older, I may have matured but continued to remain naïve.”

              She grins at me, basically agreeing with me just using her expression. “How true that statement is. I, too, am very naïve.”

              Without a seconds notice, she pulls me in and hugs me close to her. The years we missed out on, the conversations we could have had, the moments we could have shared, the pain we had without one another, it all slips away in this moment. Bray was always more than a friend, she was a sister that I didn’t get a chance to have. She was a solid in my life. A rock. A hero. A savior. We may never be back to what we once were, but maybe one day, we can be more than that.

              Once we head back towards the kitchen, she asks, “so do you have plans tonight?”

              “I’m a mom, that is my plan.” I turn to look over my shoulder at her and give her a small smile. It’s true. Being a young, single mom, you don’t have much of a social life unless it includes reality television or a romance novel behind closed doors.

              She starts to open her mouth when I hear Magnolia speak up. “Actually, your brother and I wanted to see if we could take him to our house tonight. Gunner works in the morning on the farm and wanted to bring Justin with him. Show him the ropes, get him used to the animals and all that. We all want our fair share of him while he is around.”

              “Oh, well I’ll see what he thinks, but I’m sure that would be wonderful.”

              Bray claps with excitement. “Perfect. I have somewhere I want to bring you.”

              Before I know it, I’m sliding my newly manicured feet into a tall pair of black heels, which so happens to match the strapless dress Bray had me put on. Its very tight in the chest area then falls into a silk mass until my upper-mid thigh. When she saw the blue and white stripped full butt, cotton panties I had on, she made me take them off and put on a pair of boyshorts she had in her closet, with the tags still on them. They’re black, too, and I actually feel like I’m covering more up now.