Forgive Me (17 page)

              His hand stops again, just as the tip of his finger lands at the ‘v’ between my legs. He keeps in there, heating everything inside of me, starting at my core. The zings of jubilation and the acceleration of my heart have me sweating. Without much though, I just whimper out his name. “Za-Zander.”

              I can feel his body tense and I close my eyes. His breath warms my ear when he speaks, making it known his mouth is close. “What?” How can one single word turn me into dust, especially the word
what
. That is right, because its coming out of Zander’s mouth.

              I stutter, sounding like an idiot. “You um- your um- your hand.”

              “Does it bother you?” his mouth gets closer to my ear and I almost moan in pleasure. I’m being a little neurotic, but shit, I can’t even help it. I’ve craved just hearing his voice all this time.

              I shake my head no, closing my eyes.

              His lips come to my ear, slowly kissing it. I whimper out a small moan as my body naturally arches, wanting his hand to travel completely between my legs. He pauses but the second my body feels limp again, he starts kissing me again.

              I’m lost in a state of euphoric bliss. Everything about this moment, as simple as it is, is all I’ve ever dreamed of. Something I never thought to be possible again. I turn my head to face Zander and without any hesitation from either of us, our lips glide together.

              His hand goes up and gets tangled in the back of my hair. Our kiss deepens and I can’t help myself from grabbing at his hand and placing it between my legs. He rubs his fingers back and forth, wetting me under my cotton panties. I end up adjusting myself to straddle his legs, but when I do, I open my eyes to see Justin sleeping next to us.

              Every little feeling of pleasure comes crashing down around me and I’m face planted into actuality. One, Zander is not mine. Two, Zander is about to get married. Three, we’re in a very public place, and although its dark out, anyone could see us. Four, our son is next to us and could wake at any moment. This is not okay.

              I completely pull away from Zander and cover my face with my hands, groaning into the palms. “Shit, I’m sorry,” Zander says from next to me.

              I tilt my head and peek over at him. “Please don’t be sorry. I don’t know if I can handle you being sorry over that.”

              He looks over at me and I want to re kiss those puffy lips so bad, but I don’t allow myself that guilty pleasure. “I’m not sorry I kissed you, I’m sorry I was about to bring it to the next level.”

              “What about Emerson?” I blurt out. I recover my face with my hands and wait for this conversation to continue, but it doesn’t. After a few moments of silence, I look back over at Zander. He has his head tilted back and he is pinching the bridge of his nose. “Zander?” I squeak out.

              He looks at me and smiles softly. “I love her, I do. And from the moment I picked out the engagement ring until the day I saw you in the store, I’ve been anxious for her to have my last name. But… but you’re you. You’re the one that got away. And you’re here. I don’t know what to do, Lexi. I really don’t.”

              As much as this pains me to say, it’s the truth, so I speak it anyways. “I’m not your forever Zander, even as much as I wish I were. You’re going to marry Emerson next week, and you’ll live happily ever after with her. Justin will come visit you whenever you want, any and all school vacations if that is as you please. And you’ll be happy, Zander. And I’ll miss you every day.”

              His face turns into something fierce. “What do you mean he’ll come visit?”

              “You know we live in Ohio, Zander,” I whisper.

              “So you’re just going to up and take my son away from me again?”

              Tears immediately well in my eyes and I’m pretty sure my heart just stopped. “Well, no. I just- we don’t live here.” So many emotions are invading my insides, I’m honestly not sure how to speak, or even think at that matter. I’m at a total loss of words.

              “I won’t let you take him away again, Lexi.”

              “I’m not leaving without him!” I whisper-shout at him, not wanting to make a scene.

              He scoffs at me and I can see his jaw working back and forth. “This was a mistake. All of it. You especially.” He slides forward until he is at the end of the truck, then he jumps down, walking away from the truck. As I watch him go I feel that magnet inside of me lose its connection to Zander. Maybe even forever.

              And it’s all my fault. It’ll always be my fault.

              Zander didn’t come back to the truck for over an hour. Justin continued sleeping, and thankfully it was pretty comfortable with all the pillows and blankets. I kept him covered and once the movie was done, I climb out from the truck so I could walk around a little.

              While stretching my legs, all I did was think. Think hard. About it all. About how I made some huge mistakes that are hurting people just as much now as they did all those years ago. About how I could make them right by staying here, but how it seems too much to leave the life I have back at my real home in Ohio. How Nan has become my mother, and I couldn’t leave her like that. But also how Justin and Zander have connected so much, I know it’d kill them both being separated.

              I wanted Zander when I had him. I wanted Zaner when I left. I’ve wanted Zander for a decade. And even though I can’t have him to love and cherish forever, I can have him in my life. Justin can have him in his life.

              Then I think about the fact that Zander and Emerson are about to get married. You know they’ll want children, Emerson even said so. Then Zander’s attention will be on the child he actually knows, the child he can have all those firsts with, the child he can hold in his arms at three a.m. with a bottle, cooing and rocking the child to sleep. Justin will be put on the back burner, and he doesn’t need that.

              But he deserves a chance.

              And I know Justin loves being back home in Ohio. He has a great school, great friends, is doing so well on his sports teams. Its not going to be like that here. What was I thinking coming back for this long? I should have kept away. I should have flown down for a weekend to see my mom myself, flew back, and let that be that. But I wanted to do the right thing for once- and that right thing ruined everything even more than it was already ruined.

              And now I’m going senseless!

              Once Zander got back to the truck, I was met with evil glares and barked orders. We got Justin into the truck, the blankets and pillows put away, and headed back to Arlington. We both remained completely silent the entire ride back to Clay’s. Thankfully Justin remained asleep, so he didn’t have to put in the middle of the tension war.

              The second he put the truck into park, I looked over at Zander wanting to hold him close. “I’m sorry, Zander. I just keep messing up!”

              He doesn’t look at me when he speaks. His voice sounding distant and hurt. “Then stop.”
Like its that simple!
Maybe it is that simple. I don’t know! I don’t have the clarity I need.

              “I have some decisions to make,” I tell him honestly.

              “Me too.”

              I know I don’t have a right to ask, and I’ll probably sound egotistical, but I can’t help myself. “About you and Emerson?”

              This catches his attention. His head whips around to face me and his eyes dart back and forth between mine. “I said everything between you and I was a mistake.”

              Talk about a punch in the gut.

              “Zander, I-“

              “I was confused, okay?” he interrupts. “I was confused. But I’m fine. You clarified everything. I love Emerson and I’m going to marry her next weekend. Then I’m going to fight to have
my
son in
my
life… finally.”

              I guess I deserve that. All of that. Even as my heart shrivels into obliteration.

              “I
was
trying to make things right. But I see I’ll always be the bad guy.” I open the door and jump out of the truck, opening the back door. Justin doesn’t take too long to wake up, and just as I’m about to shut his back door, I chance a glance in Zander’s direction.

              His grip on the steering wheel is so tight I can see his knuckles turning white. His eyes are closed, and he is trying like hell to breathe correctly. I feel even worse. I really am a horrible person. It doesn’t matter if everyone says they forgive me or not, I’ll never forgive myself.

              “Bye,” I whisper before closing the door.

              Zander’s truck peels out before Justin and I even make it back to the door. Thankfully he is too exhausted to notice any tension or the squealing of tires, and goes straight into his room with no questions asked.

              Faith is up and sitting in the living room, so I take a seat in the recliner and start to watch whatever sappy Hallmark made for TV movie that is on. She looks over at me and smiles, but it quickly fades. Apparently my sour mood is channeling off from me.

              “I figured with y’all gone all day you’d come home like a love sick child.”

              I roll my eyes. “You’d think.” With a sigh, I resituate myself in the chair and face towards Faith, who now has the television on pause. “It started out completely amazing. Those two have such a strong connection and already love each other so much. Then Justin fell asleep and I got talking with Zander, and I mentioned going back home, and now he is all pissed at me. Basically said if I left, he’d do everything to make Justin stay. I honestly am so clueless at what to do.”

              She bites down on her lip, thinking for a moment before shrugging her shoulders. “I wish I could be more helpful. I understand your reasoning for wanting to leave, but I think you need to weigh your pros and cons. Don’t you think your son’s happiness is more important than a great job and good school? You know, the things you can replace.

              She doesn’t say it with attitude, just with general concern and honesty. I respect her for that. For not judging me, but instead giving me a clearer mindset about the situation. “In other words, I should have Justin decide?”

              “Maybe not necessarily decide, but at least get his input.”

              I nod my head for a second and tell her my original plan. “I was going to head back and allow Justin back here to stay with his father during vacations and the bigger holidays. Even come down with him on his birthday so we can all celebrate together.”

              “It could work. But would it be worth it?” I watch her chew on her lip, maybe a little nervous about being so forward with me. Its not like we really know each other, but I feel like she is my sister already. I like Faith, I like her a lot. I’m glad I got to finally meet her.

              “I don’t know,” I finally say. “I went through hell, Faith. I hated this place when I lived here, and I hated my life when I left. I got stronger because I was weak, and I made a life for not only for myself but for Justin. And even though Nan wasn’t the biggest help, she was the only help I had, and she has become a mother to me. I love and respect her more than both my parent’s combined. I have friends, Justin has friends, he has a guaranteed spot on all the sports teams. My job is one I worked my butt off for, and I’m great at it. I get excellent pay and benefits. To just leave all that- it kind of baffles me.”

              She sit and blinks in my direction for a moment before she finally says, “So leave. But know that you have all of us here that love not just you, but Justin too. But Lexi, also remember, you don’t have to make this decision now, and you certainly don’t need to be influenced in making your decision. It is yours, and Justin’s, and no one else’s. We’ll have our input, but we can’t make the choice. Both choices, they’re going to be hard to make.”

              “Thank you,” I tell her. Everything she says is correct. It helped clear my throught process as well, but even so, I’m still at a loss.

              She mumbles out a, “don’t worry about it,” and un-pauses the television. We both sit together and watch the movie in silence. A few moments later, Faith gets up and when she comes back out, she hands me a wine cooler with a wink before taking her seat again. I have to giggle that she bought this just for me. And honestly, the idea she thought of me when it came to making a decision- as simple as it was- makes my heart grow just a little more in size.