For3ver (8 page)

  "Hey," Liam said as we walked up to him. 

  "What do you guys want?" he grumbled as he took another swig of his beer. 

  "Just want to talk, hang out," I said, sitting on the ground next to him. 

He glanced over at me, then looked at Liam, then back at me. He laughed to himself and shook his head. 

  "I should have known. It's so damn obvious." 

  "What's that, man?" Liam asked, hands in his pocket, studying Gage like he was a caged animal about to break free. 

  "You two. Puppy love. Well, have a great life," he said as he made his way to get up and leave. 

  "Gage, stop," I pleaded. I didn't want that; I didn't want him to hate us. 

  "What, so you guys can rub in my face how happy you are? No thanks. I've had enough of that my entire life. It's always been Liam and Ry. This just makes it official I guess." He shrugged at his words, like he didn't care about us at all anymore. He sounded so sad. Not even upset, not mad, just like he had given up. 

  "Gage, we aren't... together... if that's what you are thinking. We came out here to try and hang out with you. Just like we used to," I said.

Liam just stood silently watching his older brother. When Gage didn't respond to us, Liam finally spoke up. 

  "Come on. Let's grab our poles and we can see who can catch the most, just like we used to."

Gage looked over at him then back at me. We stood there in silence while Gage decided if he could stand being around us.

Finally he spoke up. "You two have never been able to beat me, but what's one more time whooping your ass, I guess?" He smiled and sat back down to cast his line. 

Liam chuckled and let out a breath I didn't know he was holding. I ran and grabbed our poles from the barn. On the walk back to the pond, I stopped to watch the boys, sitting side by side, sharing a beer, laughing about something. Carefree. At least that's what it looked like from far away. I smiled, because that was how it should have always been. 

We spent the rest of the day out there by that pond, like so many times before when we were younger. That time, though, we weren't called in for dinner, nor did my mama yell for me at dark. The signs that our childhood was gone were all around us, but I refused to accept that the boys would ever be out of my life. Gage would be close enough while I was at school, and Liam and I would stay in touch with plans to visit each other often. 

I hated to think of him finding a girlfriend, but I knew it was going to happen. He'd always been the hopeless romantic out of the three of us. He was going to go off to college and some random girl was going to swoop him off his feet and that would be the end of our friendship. The thought of that put me in a terrible mood, though, so I tried not to think about it. 

I didn't know what I would do without the Porter boys in my life. 

***

Graduation day was upon us. I felt like so much had happened since the last time I saw those people, like we were all strangers, but it had only been a week since I'd seen everyone at prom. Honestly, it would have been okay with me if I never saw some of them again. Liam, Gage, and I spent the last week doing everything together and I didn't miss not being with my classmates one bit. 

Looking around, I watched the faces that I grew up with laugh and talk as if their lives weren't about to change forever. College changed people. I'd seen it before and knew it was going to happen to those people I called my friends. 

Liam and Gram came up to me and hugged me while Gage held seats for both of our families. Gram had tears in her eyes and was wringing her handkerchief the whole time. 

  "I'm so proud of you kids." She sniffed. I started tearing up just watching her, which was weird because normally I wasn't a crier... especially at crowded events. 

Liam walked Gram to her seat then came back to line up. We were lined up alphabetically and since there was no one with a last name that started with Q in our class, Liam and I were right next to each other. I got to watch him walk across that stage and cheer him on as he got his diploma. He did the same for me. Afterwards we all had dinner out on our patio. Gram made one of her famous cakes, my dad grilled. It was perfect. 

We did it. We made it through together, and we were stronger for it. 

***

It was only a couple weeks into summer, but it had been scorching hot so far, so Jenny and I were going down to the pool to cool off. We stopped at the drug store beforehand to get sunscreen and a few other things. Walking around the isles, browsing for something stupid for the boys, Jenny rounded the corner with two massive boxes of tampons. 

  "Hey, these are on sale Ry. You need any?" 

I froze. 

I didn't need any. I hadn't needed any for.... Oh man. I stood there, doing the math in my head. 

  "Jenny, how long ago was prom?" I asked, my mouth suddenly becoming incredibly dry. 

  "About a month ago, why?" she asked as she smacked her gum. "Ry, you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost." 

  "Jenny. I don't need any of those, but there's something else I need to pick up."

Her eyes grew wide as the realization of what I needed hit her. 

  "Oh no, Ryley," she whispered as she pulled me in for a hug. 

There was no doubt about it. After multiple trips to the store and a fortune given to the makers of those wonderful white sticks, it was a done deal. I was pregnant. 

I was shaking; I think I threw up a few times. Luckily Jenny's parents weren't home to witness it. I'm sure I screamed.

Ruined. Everything was ruined. Finally, what emotions I had were gone. There were no tears anymore, there was no anger. There was just me. And I wished there wasn't even that. 

  "Ry." Jenny sat next to me on the couch and covered me with another blanket. It was the middle of summer but I couldn't stop shaking.

What was I going to do? I wasn't old enough to take care of another life; I could barely keep mine together. 

  "Ryley, I know you don't want to talk about it, but you need to. I'm right here. My parents won't be home for hours still. Talk to me. Please," she begged. 

Looking over at her, I was overcome by so much jealousy. She wasn't pregnant. She could still go to college and get her degree. She still had her life in front of her and could get out of that tiny ass town. I was stuck. 

  "It doesn't matter. Talking won't fix anything," I said blankly. 

  "Well... I mean... it's Gage's, right? He's older, has a job. You guys can figure it out. This is going to be okay, Ryley."

No, it wasn't. Nothing was ever going to be okay again. 

Jenny didn't know about prom night. The one and only time I had sex since my last period was prom night. The baby was definitely Liam's baby. Sorrow surged into my heart, shattering it into a million pieces as my body shook from the shock. 

  "I don't know what I'm going to do, Jenny."

  "You don't have to keep it, you know. This doesn't mean it's the end of your life, Ry. People do it all the time. And you are eighteen so your parents don't even have to know about it." 

She was right and the idea I could have it taken care of became a predominant thought. 

I needed Liam. He needed to know before the rest of the town knew... and it was only a matter of time before Hally at the store realized who bought all of the pregnancy tests that day and put two and two together. I didn't want everyone finding out, especially since I wasn't even certain I was going to keep the thing. 

Springing from the couch, unsure of what I was going to do when I got there, I said a quick goodbye to Jenny and ran to my car to get to the boys. Speeding down the road, I didn't even turn my headlights on. It was dark and the boys were probably working on Gage's car in the garage or watching a game downstairs. 

Pulling into their driveway I threw the car in park and headed straight to garage. Some sort of peace came over me on the drive over to their house. I knew what I was going to do. What I had to do. Gage was rolled under his car, working on something that I couldn't see. Oil stained pants stuck out from underneath the hood, and music was blaring loudly. It wasn't even good music either. Liam was leaning against the car, wiping off something and laughing at Gage's crude comment. 

  "Hey, guys," I said, trying to sound cool as I was freaking out on the inside. 

Gage rolled out from under the car and used his phone to turn the music off. 

  "Hey, Ry, what's goin' on? I thought you were staying with Jenny tonight?" he said as he was wiping his hands.

Liam hadn't said anything yet, he knew something was wrong. That was just it. Liam could always look at me and know something was wrong. It was like he was connected to me in some way. 

  "Hey, Gage, why don't you go grab us a few beers from the house," he said, his eyes not leaving mine. 

  "Good idea, I thought something was missing," Gage mumbled as he left Liam and I in the garage. Alone. 

  "What's wrong, Ryley?" Liam's voice was so low, he knew. 

  "I'm... sorry. I'm so sorry, Liam," I said, willing myself not to cry. 

Liam rushed over to me and held me, staring into my eyes with so much love I almost said 'screw it'. All I really wanted was to spend the rest of my life with him, raise a family together, grow old together. He made it perfectly clear, though, that he wouldn't do that to Gage. So there we were. 

  "What's going on, Ry?" His voice was worried, frantic almost. 

  "I'm pregnant, Liam," I whispered, and then broke down in his arms. His arms came around me tight and he hugged me tighter than ever. Holding me there, letting me cry. 

  "Shh. It'll be okay. We will figure this out, Ry. I love you, we can do this. I can get a job, we can work this out." He kept talking about a future together, but I knew that wasn't what he wanted. He and Gage finally had a good relationship again, that would ruin Gage. 

  "No, Liam. Stop. I... I'm not keeping it." 

His body tensed. 

  "What do you mean, Ryley?" 

  "I mean... we both have college to attend. I'm in no shape to raise a baby, and Gage would flip. Things are just starting to be okay between us again. I can't... we can't. Just, no." It was the right decision, right? I was eighteen, practically a kid myself still. I couldn't raise a baby! 

Liam pulled away from me and started pacing the floor, running his hands through his hair in pure frustration. Almost like he truly meant it, like he truly wouldn't mind starting a family at eighteen years old. 

  "No, Ry. Not happening. You can't fucking do that to me!" he yelled. It scared me, Liam never yelled at me. The last time he yelled at me was when we were sixteen, and I didn't want to relive that again. 

  "Stop, please listen. I can't have a baby right now. This has to happen, you know it." 

  "No, please, Ryley. We can work it out, please promise me. At least think about it. You have time, there's time, right? There's still time to think about it? Please, Ryley! That's just as much mine as it is yours. Please! Don't do this." He was pleading now, on his knees in front of me, hugging my stomach. Hugging our baby. 

  "What's going on you two?" Gage stood in the doorway, frozen in place. We didn't answer. Liam was breaking down in front of me and I couldn't stop crying hard enough to get a full sentence out. 

  "Oh, Gage," I whispered. "Oh GOD, Gage, I'm so sorry." 

  "Say it," he ground out. He knew, he knew what happened, but he was going to make me say it anyway.

I couldn't find my full voice, so in a squeak between the tears, I said it out loud. "I'm pregnant." 

  "It's not mine, is it?" Gage asked, his entire body tensed. The look in his eyes, pure hatred towards us. It made me sick to my stomach knowing what we just did to him.

Liam stood, finally collecting himself and turned to look at his brother. The pained look on Liam's face said it all. Gage threw the beer bottles across the garage, slamming into the wall and sending glass and liquid flying everywhere. 

  "Fuck you two! Go to fucking hell!" He slammed his fist through the glass in the door, shattering it, then left us to pick up the shattered pieces of our lives. 

***

I told Liam I would wait and give it some thought, but I lied. I just wanted everything to be over with; I didn't want to have to carry it any longer than I had to. So the next day I asked Jenny to drive me to Nashville. I knew it would tear us apart for good, but there was no way we could raise a baby. Not to mention what my parents would do, what his grandma would do. I didn't know how we could have been so careless, but we were just kids. We couldn't raise one ourselves. 

The lady at the Women's Center was nice. She instructed me to take a few pills on a strict schedule, and then come back in two weeks to make sure it all went as planned. When she handed me the pill bottles I couldn't stop shaking. I didn't know what I was doing anymore. I didn't even want to 'be' anymore. I just wanted to disappear and not have to make the choice to kill the baby that I created. 

I was numb. I felt like I was committing murder, but I couldn't go through with the bigger picture. I couldn't be a mom.