For3ver (10 page)

We sat on her porch swing and I sat close enough that we were touching. We talked about Gage, laughing, sometimes crying, but mostly remembering all the great times. When she yawned for the third time, I knew we had to talk about the baby before she fell asleep. I was heading back to school the following night. 

  "Listen." I slid my hand across her stomach and tugged her to rest her head on my shoulder. "Don't talk until I'm done. Please." I waited for her to nod her head. "I love you, Ry, I always have. I never thought it was a mistake what happened on prom night, and the best thing has come from it. I know we're young, but we can do this. You once said we were all growing up and changing, and now we really are. There are some things that will never change though, Ry, and that's you and I belong together. If this." I rubbed her stomach and felt a smile pull at my lips. "If this isn't a sign that we've always belonged together—" 

  "Liam—"

  "Wait, just wait, let me finish. I know it's fucked up to be talking about this on the day of Gage's funeral and there may have been some things I didn't know about Gage, but I know he'd want you happy. And he wanted me happy, and dammit, Ry, you make me happy and I need that. Especially after this. I need this happiness, you, my baby, our baby. I want that happiness." 

  "Liam stop talking," she whispered. "I... it's taken care of, Liam. There's no use in trying to talk me into keeping it. What's done is done." 

There was no doubt I was misunderstanding. She couldn't have, wouldn't have without at least telling me first. She said she'd wait until and we would talk about it. 

When I looked into her face and saw the shattered look was when I knew I wasn't misunderstanding her. She killed our baby. She killed our chances. She killed my only chance at happiness.

RYLEY

In one week I lost everything that I ever wanted. Gage left us, stupidly, and I would never be able to forgive him for what he did to me. 

What Gage did made it harder for me to tell Liam the truth about the baby. His baby. The baby that I killed without telling him before I did it. We couldn't have a baby right then; he was just hurting. Liam Porter was not going to be weighed down by his small town girlfriend. Liam was going places and I couldn't hold him back. 

  "No," he said. "No!" he screamed, getting up from the swing and started pacing my porch. "You fucking said you'd wait! You fucking said we'd talk about this! How could you fucking do this to me! First my brother, now this! Fuck!" he shouted, pulling at his hair, just as Gage had nights before, as he stumbled down the porch stairs. "Fuck, Ryley! You coldhearted bitch!" 

  "Stop, Liam! Would you listen to me?!" I tried explaining. I tried reminding him we were only eighteen. I tried reminding him neither of us had stable jobs, that we both were going to college at two totally different schools. He didn't seem to understand what a baby would do to us. 

  "No! Shut up! Just shut up! You don't get to say one more fucking word to me, Ryley Reynolds. You bitch. We could have done this! We could have been happy again. But now... now just, no. You're fucking dead to me too." His eyes were so cold it made me sick to my stomach. Liam wasn't supposed to look at me with that much hate. 

I couldn't speak through the tears. The boy next door, the one I loved with my entire being, was the best at ripping my heart out and setting it on fire. By now my parents were on the porch, watching him flip a shit in our front yard. 

I cried into my dad's shoulder, wanting all of it to go away. 

  "You best be heading home, son," I heard my dad say to Liam once he stopped yelling. 

I didn't watch him walk away from me. I didn't want to see the confirmation that I had just ruined our friendship. My tears soaked through my dad's shirt for hours that night, and he just held on. I hadn't told my parents yet about the pregnancy, but they knew after that. They said nothing, though. My mom cried, my dad stroked my hair like he used to when he was trying to calm me as a child. I was hopeless. 

Two weeks passed and I hadn't spoken to Liam once. His house was quiet since Gram went to stay with her sister for a while and Liam went MIA. I didn't try too hard to contact him, just a text here and there, even though I needed Liam whether he liked it or not. I needed him to breathe. He was my best friend; the only one that knew every detail about my life. Without him, I was useless. Unfortunately he didn't feel the same about me anymore and that resulted in me losing everything. Gage was gone, selfishly, and Liam left me alone. My parents wouldn't really talk about it, and Jenny has gone on vacation so I was truly alone. The world around me lived on, while I died a little more each day. 

The time came for me to go to the clinic for the results to tell me the pills did indeed work. They had to; I'd started bleeding, which told me there was no baby. Bleeding equaled not pregnant, right? After a knock on the door a nurse walked in, smiling gently at me. I hated that place; I hated what they stood for. Ruined lives. And no amount of smiles made me feel better about what I did.

  "Ryley, can you please tell me how you took the pills we gave you?" 

I furrowed my brows at her and shrugged. I didn't want to be there. I had started my period, wasn't that enough to tell me I wasn't pregnant? 

  "Every day like the doctor told me to. Three days, three pills." It was a lie. I did take all three pills, but I didn't take them once a day. I took one the first day then the other two five days later. I had completely forgotten about the other pills I still had to take until my fight with Liam. My mind slipped, but it was modern medicine so I figured that it would still work. The doctor slipped into the room, and I knew there was a problem.

  "Every day, same time each day?" The nurse asked skeptically. I knew she knew I was lying. 

  "Yup," I said and started picking at my nail polish, not wanting to lie while looking her in the eyes. 

  "Interesting. Ryley, you do know we gave you those instructions for a reason, right? The pills only work if taken within a certain amount of time," the doctor said gently.

What was she saying to me? I'm not a stupid person, but I couldn't wrap my mind around the thought of still being pregnant after everything I'd been through those last few weeks. 

  "What are you saying?" I raised my eyes to her and saw the pity in them. 

  "Your test came back positive, Ryley. You are still pregnant," she said softly.

I shook my head in disbelief. "That's not possible. I took the pills!" 

  "I'm sure you did," the condescending bitch of a nurse spoke up. "At any rate, though, they didn't work."

The doctor flashed her a look before telling me, "It happens. So, you still have one option as far as abortion goes, if you are still interested. Do you want to proceed with aborting the baby?" Way to make me sound like a killer, lady. Lord, were those people trained to make you want to keep your baby? Did I want to continue with my plans? 

  "I... I don't know."

  "Why don't we do an ultrasound, to see just how far along you are?" 

Right, how far along. How long was pregnancy again? 

  "Right, okay. Sure," I said, still in disbelief that I was still having Liam's baby. 

She walked me down the hall and told me to sit on the exam table and lay back. I did as I was asked, sort of like a robot functioning on autopilot. She asked me to pull up my shirt and push my shorts down a bit. I did. She told me that it was going to be cold at first. I'm not sure if it was or not, I was numb from the onslaught of emotions running through me. 

When the wand moved over my stomach, I flinched at the pressure and wouldn't look at the screen. She noticed my anger and hesitation and sighed, placing the want down for a moment. 

  "Dear, you know it's not going to bite. Why don't you look? It helps accepting it," she said gently. 

  "No thanks," I grumbled as I stared at the flaking paint on the wall. 

  "Okay," she sighed loudly and went on, moving the jelly around my stomach with the wand. I heard white noise as she moved it around until she stopped moving. Then I heard it, the tiniest of thumps.

"There it is," she whispered as she clicked a few times on the keyboard. 

I let a tear escape and roll down my cheek as I peeked out the corner of my eye at the screen. I couldn't tell what anything was; it was all just a black and white jumble. 

  "Right there." She pointed to the screen. 

I smiled, seeing my baby for the first time. Seeing our baby for the first time. 

  "If I keep it... the medicine? Will it be okay?" I asked, unsure why I was considering it. I wasn't going to keep it, was I? 

  "We just needed to make sure the pills didn't hurt the fetus or do any damage."

I was silent while she made circles on my stomach, pushing harder in certain spots. "From the looks of the ultrasound, everything looks great and on track. When not taken properly, there really isn't much that the medicine does. If there is any damage, it will be easier to tell once the pregnancy gets further along, but by that point you have to understand that it's too late should you decide you don't want to keep the baby." 

I looked at the screen, the sound of the heartbeat becoming a rhythm in my head, a rhythm to the best song I'd ever heard. No. I couldn't kill the thing growing inside of me. The tiny being I was growing was a result of true love. Liam may not have wanted anything to do with me, but at least I'd have a part of him with me forever. 

  "I'm keeping it," I said, barely a whisper as I continued to stare at the screen.

She nodded and took more notes in the computer, clicking more pictures than she did before. She printed a few pictures for me to take home and gave me a prescription for prenatal pills that I needed to start taking. I took it all, still in shock that I was pregnant. How did I become a statistic? I had a plan: school local, then transfer to a bigger university. I wanted to study psychology; I wanted to be able to help kids that were in the same situation that Gage and Liam grew up in. 

I got in my car and drove, no destination in sight, listening to Liam's CD over and over again. I had no tears left to cry. What I wanted most in the world was completely unattainable, but I couldn't stop wanting it. 

I wanted Liam, I wanted Gage, I wanted my childhood back. 

Liam. Oh good God, I needed to get a hold of him! He needed to know, he deserved to know. I felt the sudden urge to apologize to him for everything. I was thinking maybe we could make it out of this, maybe we could be together, raise our family together. And oh my God! What were my parents going to think? They were already upset with me for making such a big decision on my own, but suddenly they were going to have to live with a newborn. I couldn't do that to them; they never wanted the pressure of another child. Being they were older I was certain they wouldn't appreciate having a screaming kid around all the time. I'd move out. I could pull it off if I started working full time at the coffee shop. If not there, I'd get a job somewhere else to start fresh. College would have to wait. I had a baby to take care of. 

First things, first, though. I needed to find Liam. He deserved to know the truth. I wished I knew where to start, though. His house had been sitting empty. Gage's car had been gone (which freaked me out), but I knew Liam had to have taken it. Liam would never get rid of the one thing Gage loved most in his life. I wished I knew where his grandma was, maybe she would have been able to direct me to him, but she'd been gone since the funeral and I honestly didn't know if she was ever coming back. 

He wasn't supposed to be back at school yet, so I drove through town racking my mind as to where Liam could be. I stopped by the pond, hoping to find him there, but no luck. It was one of the hardest things I'd ever done, looking at the spot where Gage took his own life just a few short weeks before. I'd called Jenny, but she wasn't home from vacation. I even went as far as calling Sara, which was stupid, but I was desperate. I couldn't let the whole town know I was pregnant with Liam's baby without telling Liam first. 

Pulling out my phone, I dialed his number and it rang three times before going to voicemail. I dialed it again and that time only got two rings before voicemail. Third time I dialed, it went straight to voicemail. That one hurt. He knew I was trying to contact him, but instead of manning up and listening to me, he ignored me. The pain in my chest was making it almost hard to move. How could he be so cold to me after a lifetime together? 

I got home and chanced knocking on his grandma's door. I knocked, then I slammed my fists, then I screamed, then I put my back against the door and slid to the ground. It couldn't be happening. I couldn't raise the baby on my own, without Liam there to help me, to support us. Tears started to roll again, and I was so tired of crying. So tired of feeling alone. It hit me then. I wasn't alone. I'd never be alone again. If Liam didn't want to be a part of my life anymore, at least I'd have a constant reminder of him. 

It was dark before I got off their porch and walked across our yards. Just doing that simple task, one that I may never do again, that put me in tears all over. I broke down in his yard, curling up and wishing everything to be over. I now understood how Gage felt right before the end. No, I'd never go as far as him, but everything hurt so much anymore, I felt so alone, so hopeless, that if I could go to sleep and never wake up, I would.