For Your Heart (Hill Dweller Retellings) (32 page)

    
Emily reaches out and pulls me against her, holding me tight and letting me cry mascara all over her lovely Saitohimea décolletage.  “Shhh, shhh.  It’s okay.  It’s going to be okay.”

    
But it’s not.  Nothing is going to be okay.

Jeanette

     I wake to Amber shaking me.  “What?”

    
She shushes me, motioning at Emily asleep in the other bed then gestures for me to get out of bed.  I do as she indicates, dressing in yesterday’s jeans and tee-shirt, putting on my coat when she hands it to me, and trudging after her as she drags me out of the room.  At the elevator, I rub my eyes and mutter at her, “What’s going on?”

    
“It’s a surprise,” Amber says, but her voice isn’t the normal bubbly thing I know and love.  For once, she looks serious.

    
“Amber, I-”

    
“Just trust me, okay?” she says.  “Let me try this and
then
you can yell at me.”

    
Sighing, I follow her as she gets in the elevator.  She walks us out of the hotel and onto the quiet streets.  We walk for maybe fifteen minutes before she comes to a stop at a large church on a corner.  I’ve never been here.  It’s not my church or the chapel at school.  “What are we doing here?”

    
Amber takes a deep breath then sits on the steps.  She pats the granite beside her and I sit, letting the cold seep into my butt.

    
For a long moment, she’s quiet, staring across the street at a pawn shop that is closed in these early morning hours.  Despite being cold, it’s nice just sitting with Amber.  It’s been so long since we hung out, just her and me.  “I’m glad you came,” I say.

    
“Me, too.  Though, I wish Celeste had wanted to come.”

    
I wrinkle my nose.  “I don’t.”

    
She tips her head.  “What’s going on with you two anyway?”

    
I shrug.  “Dunno.  It’s like she can only be negative with me.”

    
Amber bobs her head.  “She’s jealous of you.”

    
I snort.

    
“You don’t believe me?”

    
“There’s nothing to be jealous of,” I reason.

    
Smirking, she shakes her head.  “See, that’s just one of the many reasons I love you.”

    
I squint at her, confused.

    
She explains.  “You’re so humble.  You don’t realize all the wonderful things about you and your life.”  She taps her jaw.  “I don’t know, maybe that’s why Celeste is being such a brat lately.  Because you’re perfect and she’s not.”

    
“I am
not
perfect.”

    
“To her you are.”  She lifts her chin and meets my eyes.  “You’re pretty, smart, funny.  Your dad cares about you.  Your friends care about you.  You’re not afraid to be who you are, to believe what you do despite what others think, and you’re confident.  Celeste has none of that and, trust me, when I say she wishes she does and she gets mad at you because you don’t acknowledge that you’ve got it.”

    
I frown.  “I didn’t know she felt that way.”

    
She narrows an eye.  “She’s not exactly good at expressing how she feels.  It took me a while to figure her out.  But really?  She just needs a friend.  She needs someone who makes her feel important – so she can have that little bit of confidence she craves.”

    
I stare at my knees.  “I’m guessing I’m not that person.”

    
“No,” she says.  “Probably not right now.  Maybe one day she’ll be able to deal with having someone she feels is better than her as a friend, but right now not so much.”

    
I hug my knees.  “I understand.”  But still…To leave her alone?  When she’s feeling like that?  I don’t think I can.

    
“And I know what you’re thinking,” Amber says.  “And don’t worry about it.  I’ll be there for her when she needs someone.  Just as long as you understand that I’ll always be your friend – no matter what.”

    
Smiling, I shake my head.  “It’s amazing how you do that.  I swear you’re telepathic.”

    
“Not telepathic, empathic,” she corrects.  “Which brings me to why I brought you out here.”

    
I cock my head, waiting as she stares at me for a long moment.

    
“Tell me about Christ,” she eventually says.

    
“What?” I say, laughing.  “Way to change the subject.”

    
She turns her head and fixes me with those hazel eyes of hers, she’s serious again.  “Tell me about Christ.”

    
Confused, I shake my head.  “Why?  You only go to Mary Magda because your parents make you. You’ve said you’re not religious.”

    
“But you are,” she says pointedly.  “You have faith, don’t you?”

    
“Yeah.”  I don’t understand what she’s getting at.  “There’s nothing wrong with that, is there?  I mean, people who don’t believe the same things can be friends right?”

    
“Of course, silly.”  She looks away again.  “That’s not what I mean.  I mean…your faith.  That’s something
I
envy you for.  That you can believe so strongly in something that science can’t prove.”

    
I bite the inside of my lip.  She shouldn’t envy me.  I’m a terrible Catholic.

    
“I think you’re very brave to believe like you do.  I can’t do it.  So, it upsets me to see you in this kind of crisis of faith, Nett.”

    
Crisis of faith?  Is that what I’m having?  “I’m not sure if that’s what’s really going on…there are other things I haven’t told you.”

    
She nods.  “I know.”

    
I’m not sure if she means that Emily told her about what I did with Tamrin or if she’s aware that there are simply other things at play.  “Then…”

    
“Then tell me about Christ,” she prompts for a third time.

    
This is a strange conversation for any set of teenaged girls who don’t really have the same faith.  I still don’t get why she’s asking.  Sighing, I say, “What about Christ do you want to know?”

    
“Who is he?”

    
What a weird question.  Doesn’t everyone know this?  People who aren’t even Christians?  “The son of God.”

    
She nods.  “And what happened to him?”

    
I give her a strange look.  “He was crucified.”

    
She bobs her head.  “Why?”

    
“Well, according to Christian faith, Jesus died for our sins.”  And then it hits me, that thing I’ve been overlooking, and I blink at her.  “Oh.”

    
Amber glances sideways at me and her lips quirk, her good humor returning.  “There you go.  I may not believe in any of this stuff, but I do know it.  You kind of
have
to learn it in a Catholic school.  So, seems to me that someone with faith shouldn’t forget that little tid-bit of information.”

    
She’s right.  I had let my guilt and fear swallow me and I lost sight of the basis of my faith.  In Catholicism, we are taught Jesus died for our sins, that God is forgiving, that I need only repent and live a good life and salvation is available to me.  I’d forgotten that.  So, yeah, I guess I was having a crisis of faith.

    
Amber’s voice is quiet as she says.  “I don’t know why Tamrin left you, Nett, and I can’t do anything about it.  You’ll have to deal with that heartache on your own.  But this?  This is something I knew I could do for you, even without really being a believer myself.”

    
Smiling, I lean over and drag her into a hug.  “Thanks.”

    
She pats my back and pulls me away, her eyes bright.  “So, I hear the minister here keeps really wacky hours.  Maybe the confessional is open?”

    
Nodding, I get to my feet.  Confession, communion, repentance, redemption.  In this way, I cannot heal my broken heart, but I can deal with what I’ve done.

Jeanette

    
I lean close to the bathroom mirror and poke at the bags under my eyes.  I haven’t been sleeping well in the almost month and a half since Tamrin left.  While I’ve come to terms with my sin, I can’t get Tam off of my mind.  Even at AniCon, all I could do was think of him and wish that he could see it…Or at least be there when I got home so I could tell him how awesome it was and thank him for getting Dad to let me go.

    
“So he said, ‘I will if you do!’” Celeste screeches.  She and Amber break into giggles.

    
“So you did it, right?”  Amber asks, gasping.

    
Celeste rolls her eyes.  “Obviously.”

    
Amber grips my arm.  “Isn’t that scandalous!”

    
I shrug, pulling away from her as I do so.  “Yeah, whatever…I guess.”  Celeste hooking up with someone else’s boyfriend at a party isn’t exactly praise-worthy.

    
“Yeah, whatever?”  Celeste repeats with disgusts.  “Geez, Netti, just because your boyfriend screwed you and dumped you is no reason to get all PMSy on the rest of us.”  With a disgusted sigh she turns and starts leaving the bathroom.  “C’mon, Amber.”

    
Face hot, I dig for my cell in my purse.  I don’t even realize Amber’s still in the bathroom until she grips my shoulder.  I glance up at her, distracted.    

    
“She’s just jealous, Nett.” 

    
I force a smile, though I think it’s more of a grimace.

    
“So…I was trying to convince her to meet up with you and me for hot chocolate after school.  I think you two should maybe talk about some stuff…She told me something that I think you’ll want to hear.”

    
Distracted, I nod, just trying to end the conversation so I can go back to rummaging through my purse for my phone.

    
She smiles, though it’s sad.  “Kay.”  She pulls me into a big bear hug.  “I’m glad we’re finally going to work this all out.”  Then she slips out of the room.

    
The toilet flushes and Emily comes out of the stall behind me.  She glances at the door.  “Wonder what terrible confession Celeste has for you.”

    
I shrug as Em washes her hands, I don’t want to talk about Celeste’s problems right now.  I’ve got my own…Celeste telling me not to get PMSy reminded me of something.    I find the phone, pull up my calendar app and start mashing buttons, getting more and more alarmed as I go. 

    
Em eyes me as she dries her hands.  “Are you okay?”

    
I find the marked day, add up the days – no,
weeks
– since in my head, and then I drop my phone with a clatter.  “Omigod, Em,” I whisper.

    
Her voice is ominously worried.  “What?”

    
“I’m late…Like really late.” 
How do you not notice you’ve missed your period for almost a month? 
Goes to show how out of sorts I’ve been.

    
She grimaces.  “Like you need to go to class late?” she offers, trying to stave off the inevitable thing she already gets.

    
Suddenly feeling dizzy, I squat on the floor and hold my knees.  “Holy crap, what am I going to do?” I whimper.  “What am I gonna tell Dad?”

    
She squats in front of me.  “Maybe he won’t notice?”

    
I scowl at her.  “Geez, Em, I might be pregnant!  How the heck does someone miss that?”

    
“Okay,” Em says, putting her hands on my knees.  “Okay.  Let’s stay calm.”

    
I start breathing fast, taking the hundred meter dash to the hyperventilation line.  “I feel sick.”

    
“Like morning sickness?  ‘Cause this is afternoon and I’m not sure-”

    
“No, Em!” I growl.  “Like I might be pregnant and in school and my Dad’s gonna kill me and…and…Crap, Tam’s already abandoned me and he doesn’t even know I’m pregnant!”  My face goes molten lava and tears begin to fall. 

    
“It’s Tamrin’s?  You’re sure?”

    
“Of course I’m sure!” I howl.

    
“Didn’t you like, use protection or something?”

    
I cover my face, embarrassed and ashamed.  Many Catholics choose not to use protection, but I would have…For exactly this reason.  “It was so spur of the moment.  I didn’t even think about it.”  I wasn’t thinking about anything except sex that afternoon, otherwise I probably could have avoided it.  I feel like losing Tam is lesson and punishment enough.

    
But this?

    
I shake my head, disappointed in everything.  “What am I going to do?  I can’t even get married and try to fudge this to make it look halfway politically correct.  And–and,” I hiccup.  “I can’t do this.  I’m not ready.  I’ll barely be eighteen!”