For Your Heart (Hill Dweller Retellings) (33 page)

    
Em reaches out and grabs my shoulders, stopping me from shaking my head.  “Look at me, Nett.”

    
I try, through the tears and runny nose, I try.

    
She takes a deep breath.  “You
do
have other options.”

    
“You mean…”  Abortion?  Horrified, I shake my head.  “I-I can’t do that.  I just.  I can’t.  No.”  I shake my head harder.  Tamrin may have left me, but it’s still his baby and that’s important because I love him even if he doesn’t love me.  Plus, it’s evil isn’t it?  I mean, killing an unborn baby?  God’s gift of life?  I’ve already sinned enough for my taste.  “No.”

    
“Okay.  Okay, if that’s your choice, I’ll respect it.   We’ll just have to work through it then.”  She pulls me close and hugs me tight.  “You’re gonna be okay, Nett.  I’m here for you.”

Jeanette

     Everything feels all wrong and stiff as I walk into Carver Hall Park.  I reach down and trace the outline of the little plastic wand in my purse. 

    
Yesterday after school, we cancelled the hot chocolate pow-wow with Celeste and Amber drove Emily and me to the drug store to get The Test instead.  With both of them cheering me on from beyond the bathroom door, I did what the instructions told me to do and waited.  It only told me what I already suspected, but I double checked at the crack of dawn this morning because I couldn’t sleep.

    
I am pregnant.

    
I tighten my grip on the wand and trudge through the cold morning mist.

    
I don’t know why Tamrin left like he did – without even taking his stuff from my house or undoing the Bend he had on Dad (so now Dad thinks he ran away), or even saying goodbye or breaking up with me…Not that we were official or anything.   All I know is he left a hole the size of Mount Everest in my life and a baby in my belly.  I touch my stomach even though the Google research I’ve done says I won’t feel anything yet. 

    
I square my jaw and keep walking.  Tamrin should at least know – that’s what Em said when, at the suggestion that I tell him, I told her I was most definitely not going to hound him like some kind of lovesick groupie.  But, she’s right.  He doesn’t have to stick around, but he does have to know.  This is our baby and we need to talk anyway.  I was holding this trip into the woods back, too scared to find out the truth of why he left me alone that day, but now…Now, the baby comes first.

    
I continue.  On and on and on.  I don’t know where the rose garden is, and most of me believes I won’t find it.  It’s protected by magic isn’t it?  Me finding it in the first place was probably a one in a billion chance.

    
As I keep going, I call for him.  “Tamrin!  Tam!  I need to talk to you!  Please Tam, I just want to talk!”  On and on, until sweat leaks through my sweater.  Until I’m panting.  Until I’m running and screaming, tearing through thorns and underbrush.  Until I trip over a root, stumble through two dense-growing pines, and fall on my face.  I don’t have the strength to get up.  I just lay there and cry and cry and call for Tamrin like a little lost child.

    
It’s then that he comes.

    
He drops from one of the branches above me, landing so close that all he has to do is reach out and I’m folded back into the warmth and strength of his arms.  I grab him, holding him closer, until his scent and breath are mine – insisting he’s not a dream and he can’t escape me again.

    
He doesn’t try.  He crouches around me, holding me, face buried in my hair.  I feel his tears and his shaking, I sense the fear in his voice.  “Jean.  My Jean.”  Steamy breath accompanies those words and he lifts his head to kiss my neck and my jaw and my cheek, melting the cold off of me.  “I love you.” Then he’s kissing my lips.  Strong, hot, sad.  He’s holding my face and kissing me and I think it’s going to be okay again.

    
But I still have to know.

    
Reluctantly, I pull away, breaking the kiss but not the embrace.  I’m hurt, but I can’t find the strength to deny him touch.  I search his eyes, they’re so full.  “Then why?” I ask.

    
He looks down, his fingers curling in my hair.  “It’s difficult to explain.”

    
I reach up and still his fingers.  “Try Tam.  I need an explanation.”

    
Tamrin’s brow creases as if he’s in pain.  “I thought you’d be cross with me because I broke my promise.”

    
A desperate laugh escapes me.  “Is that all?  Geez, Tam, of all the idiotic-”

    
“That’s not all,” he interjects, looking back up at me.  “Roxel was the one who caused it.  I was afraid she’d hurt you.  So, I left.  I took the rose and gave it to her, let her see what had become of it.”

    
I swallow, knowing full well that admitting he’d let the rose be destroyed had once terrified Tamrin.  Roxel terrified him.  “What happened?”

    
He glances over his shoulder, his expression mournful.  From beyond his shoulder I see the rose garden.  He’s torn up the other roses and they’re all lying there, dying.  So, they weren’t all magical roses after all.  “I’m bound to the garden until Halloween.”

    
“Okaaay,” I say.  That doesn’t sound so bad, but there’s a ‘but’ in his tone.

    
“And then, she’s going to sacrifice me as the next tithe to Hell.”

    
A chirping sort of noise escapes me as everything inside clenches tight, like a mass exhale after being punched in the gut.  Sacrifice?  Tithe to Hell?  Well, I guess not all the faerie stories are made up after all.

    
He stares at the ground.  “She’s not pleased with me.”

    
“No,” I gasp.  “No!”  I sit up, alarmed.  “S-she can’t do that!  I won’t let her!”  My mind and body race with acid-adrenaline, the thought of losing Tamrin making my skin feel all crawly.

    
Tam reaches out and grabs my shoulders, pulling me close.  “I don’t think there’s anything we can do.  Listen to me, Jean.  Every seven years, the Summer Court must make a blood sacrifice to Hell.  It’s meant to keep the Hunter from coming and taking us at will.  I don’t understand the whole of it.  I just know an adequate sacrifice must be made to keep the
Aos Si
out of Hell.  I think she means me to be that sacrifice.  I think I might have been that sacrifice all along.”  He shakes his head.  “Trust me, I can’t think of a way to assuage her, not after what I said to her.”

    
“What did you say?”  I demand.

    
His eyes slide sideways, finding my face.  “That I didn’t love her.”

    
I close my mouth, swallow.  His expression is intense and wonderful.

    
“I can’t go back on that, Jean.  I don’t love her.  I love
you
.  I always have and I always will.  From the moment I chased you with that stupid stick I loved you.”

    
I close my eyes.  “It was a dagger.”

    
“No,” he says.  “It was a stick.”

    
It’s true then.  It’s not just wishful thinking.  Tamrin is Timmy.  I’ve been so certain of it since that afternoon, but I’ve second guessed myself so many times in the days since.  But it’s so obvious now.  How could I have not seen it?  How could I have not recognized him from the moment I saw him?  Geez, humans are so dense.  I lift my hand and press it to my mouth, more tears coming.

    
I feel his fingers brushing the tears away.  “Please don’t cry, Jean.”

    
I continue sobbing.  “How?”  It comes out in a sort of high pitched mewl.

    
His breath escapes him in a heavy sigh.  “They abducted me that night we went into the woods.  I guess she’d been planning it for a while.  She knew my father was the grounds keeper and knew my name and stuff.  They took me to Otherworld.  Tried to make me one of them.  I tried to fight them – I swear I did, Jean.  I wanted to go home.  I wanted to go back to you.  I felt awful about leaving you in here hurt and alone.  But Roxel did something…She used her powers – bent me.  She fed me falsities.  She made me forget.  I forgot so deeply that when I saw you again I didn’t even recognize you.”

    
His fingers lace through my hair and he pulls me close, pressing my forehead against his chest.  “I almost killed you because of her.  And then this thing that she did between us?  Making me break my oath to you?  Making you forget your promise of virtue?”  I feel his head shake against mine and his body shake with rage.  “I want to kill her.”

    
I reach out and grab hold of his shirt.  He’s dressed like some kind of medieval lord again.  “But she’s killing you,” I whisper, looking up.  “We have to stop her, Tam.  I’m not letting her take you from me again.”

    
He gives me a pained expression and his lips part to retort, but I grab his hand and shove it against my stomach.  “I’m pregnant.”  And just like that, it’s out.  I had thought of so many more graceful, sensible ways to tell him.

    
Tam’s eyes pop wide.  Shock.  Wonder.  He stares at my stomach, a big dumb grin spreading across his face.  It’s beautiful.  And then his eyes turn uncertain.  “I don’t know what to say.”

    
“Say what you feel.”  Though, I already know he’s happy.

    
“This pleases me,” he admits, unable to contain his smile.  “But…What about you?  You’re young.”

    
I nod.

    
“And you want to go to school,” he adds.  “College.”

    
I bite my lip.  I haven’t gotten that far in thinking.  Adjusting my life around another one entirely is going to take some time to come to terms with.  “I’m keeping it,” I proclaim.  I look into his eyes.  “I want it.  And I still want to go to college.  And…I want you.  But if you don’t want to stick around, I understand, I-”

    
Tamrin grabs my face and pulls me close.  “Shut up, Jean.  Don’t even say stuff like that.  You know I want to be with you.  Forever.  It’s just…”

    
“Forever?”  I yelp, looking up at him again.  “Like, married?”

    
His crooked smirk tugs at his lips.  “In my heart we’re already married.”

    
I shake my head.  “Marriage has to be done legally, you know that.”

    
He shrugs noncommittally.  “The person I was knows that.  The person I am isn’t sure.  Things are done differently in Otherworld.”

    
I stick out my chin.  “Like how?”

    
His eyes tune out slightly, as if he’s seeing something in his mind.  “When
Aos Si
find their Mates, they simply complete the bond in a physical and mental way.  It’s as simple as dedicating yourself to them forever.  And
Aos Si
Mates never part.”

    
That’s actually a really lofty and sweet idea, something that humans seem almost entirely incapable of.  Much as I want to believe that marriage is sacred and divorce is wrong, I’m an American and I’m not blind.  “And that works?”

    
He smiles.  “If they are truly soul mates, then yes.”  At my uncertain expression, he adds, “But you’re right.  We’re humans; we should do things like humans do.  So,” he shifts slightly, so he’s on his knees.  From inside one of his pockets, he pulls out a green ribbon.  It’s wrinkled and faded and frayed at the ends – a sure sign it has been handled much since the day I lost it – but I still recognize it as mine.  Tamrin ties it around my wrist then, holding my hands in his, says, “Will you marry me?”

    
I blink at him, stomach in my throat.  Just like that?  Then I stare at him for a long time.  “You’re not just asking because you got me pregnant are you?  Because you feel you need to do the right thing?”  I’m terrified of the answer, and it makes my mouth run.  “Because, because I-I really love you, Tamrin and I want you to love me, too.”  And this is all nuts.  I mean, people don’t get married this young!  And certainly not after only a few weeks.  Don’t they say that it’s impulsive to do this?  But, it doesn’t feel impulsive.  It feels like the only right and certain thing there is.

    
Tamrin leans forward and kisses me in a way that’s both hard and soft, then he pulls away just enough to speak, his lips brushing mine as he does so.  “Don’t flatter yourself, Jean.  I’m doing this for entirely selfish purposes.”

    
I can’t help but hiccup a laugh at his teasing tone, closing my eyes at the truth in his words.  We’re not really strangers are we?  We’re long lost lovers.  Back then, I had been too young to know the truth of that love, but it doesn’t change the fact it was there.  I know, with crystal clear certainty, that if Timmy had remained, we’d feel for each other just as Tamrin and I do right now. 

    
And who is to say we wouldn’t already be engaged?  That I wouldn’t be pregnant just like this?  Perhaps this is fate?  Perhaps this is meant to be?  Perhaps it’s like Dad said and this is part of God’s plan?