For Your Heart (Hill Dweller Retellings) (31 page)

Tamrin

     Of all the prisons in the world, the garden is perhaps the most fitting for me.  It has, after all, been my prison all these years anyway.  I suppose Roxel finds it satisfying to return me here – like sending me to my room for foul behavior.  But the garden, with its endless summer enchantment and secretive evergreen walls, is not where I belong.  I belong with Jean.

    
Of course, that’s not to be.  Roxel will not have it.  I am bound here, held in by invisible walls so I cannot go to my lover and soon, I will be folded into death – forever unable to see her.

    
No matter.

    
Jean will come in search of me.  I will see her one last time.

    
At least, that’s what I tell myself.  But truly?  I’m uncertain.  She could hate me.  She could have woken to find me gone, to discover what we’d done, and vowed to scratch out my eyes if I ever came near again.

    
But still.  I hope.  I pray.  And I pine for the girl who owns my heart.

Jeanette

    
Dad pulls up to the convention center and puts the car in park.  Then he glances at me and smiles.  It’s a forced smile, one of those smiles that people paste on for you when they’re trying to be as upbeat and happy as they can in the hopes that it’s catching and suddenly you’ll be grinning like an idiot.  It’s not working.  It’s been a week since Tamrin left me and it feels like I’ll never smile again.

    
“Do you have everything?” he asks.

    
I shrug.  AniCon should be something I care about.  But I can’t seem to muster the kind of excitement I normally feel.  Honestly, I didn’t even want to come.  If it weren’t for the fact that Dad practically dragged me out of bed, I probably wouldn’t have.

    
I stand on the curb, waiting for him to get my bag out of the trunk.  When he sets it down beside me, he straightens and stares at me.  “It’s gonna be okay, honey.”

    
I look away from him so I don’t start crying.  So far, I’ve managed to hold off the sobbing breakdown.

    
Dad seems a little uneasy as he says, “I know it must feel like this is some kind of punishment – losing all the people we care about.  But He has a plan.”

    
I bite the inside of my lip.  I know God’s plan.  My losing Tamrin is punishment for my sin.  I deserve it.  I’m horrible.  Horrible because I did it and horrible because – except for knowing I sinned and hating that – I don’t regret it. 

    
Dad’s hand on my arm draws my attention back to him.  He rubs it, as if I’m cold to the touch.  “Try and have some fun?”

    
I nod.

    
Smiling again, this time less forcefully, he leans forward and kisses me on the forehead.  “I love you, kiddo.”

    
“I love you too, Dad.”

    
He pulls away and gets back in the minivan.  I wait for him to disappear before pulling out my cell and checking the text that Emily sent me earlier.

    
MOM GOT US ALL CHECKED IN.  WE’RE IN 3031!

    
Sighing, I drag my bag into the hotel adjacent to the convention center.  I wriggle into an elevator filled with a bunch of Trolls from
Homestuck
and stare at myself in the mirrored wall as the elevator pings up.  I look like ass. 

    
Is this what Bella Swan from
Twilight
looked like after Edward left her?  Ugh, I do
not
want to end up living the next few months as fading diary entries.  But how?  How do you not end up like Bella when it literally feels like your heart has been torn out of your body?  When you’ve lost the love of your life not once but twice and managed to commit a mortal sin in the process?  At least Bella and Edward never had sex until they were married.

    
I slam my forehead against the side of the elevator.

    
“Um,” a girl – cosplaying as Kanaya, if the Virgo sign on her shirt is any indication – leans in close, “are you okay?”

    
I force a smile.  “Super duper.”  Then, to change the subject: “Hey do you have a program?”

    
Kanaya riffles through a messenger bag with a Cthulhu patch on the front, then hands me a pocket program.  “Keep it.”  The elevator opens and all six grey-skinned, candy-corn-horned Trolls file out, leaving me to skim over the contents of the program for the next three floors and my walk down what feels like an inter-dimensional corridor.

    
When I knock on the door, a half naked, half made up Emily opens the door.  “Omigod, I’m so glad you’re here!”  She leaps at me, choke hugging me and practically suffocating me with her wig.  Then she drags me into the room, still talking.  “I wasn’t sure you were gonna make it since you’ve been out sick for the past few days.  I called, but you never called me back.”

    
I look away, ashamed of myself.  “Sorry.”

    
Em pulls her lip-sticked bottom lip into her mouth and sucks on it for a minute, her eyes big and intent.  Worried.  I hate to make her worry.  I give myself a mental kick in the ass and find something else to talk about.  “This costume came out great!”

    
Her worried expression dissolves and she does a little spin, showing off her Saitohimea cosplay.  “I know!  I told you this tulle would work.”

    
“And I did the dye job on the wig.”

    
I whip around to find Amber sitting on the bed, brushing a blond wig.  “Amber?” I gasp.  “I thought you had a meet?”

    
She smiles.  “I skipped it.”

    
“But-”

    
Her broad shoulders hike up and she cants her head to the side.  “I thought this was more important.  Besides,” she lifts up the end of her skirt – she’s wearing Emily’s
Le Portrait de Petit Cosette
costume from last year, “this is majorly adorable.”

    
I glance back and forth between them for a second and then it clicks.  This is an intervention.  I haven’t told them about Tamrin disappearing, but I’m willing to bet one or both of them tag-teamed my Dad after I didn’t return their calls.  Why was I worried about being Bella when I have friends like these two?  They’d never let me waste away.  And I’ve been such a jerk, ignoring them all this last week.  The tears prickle my eyes, threatening to fall again.  I wipe at them with my fist.  “Thanks guys.”

    
Em’s fingers slide under mine, pulling my bag away from me.  “Let’s get you dressed.”

Two hours later I’m battling crooked panty hose and uncooperative fake eyelashes as we walk down the bustling aisles of the merch room.  To both sides of me vendors from across the United States have set up their wares.  Art, manga and video booths, tee shirts, banners and figurines, Japanese snacks and drinks, a sushi booth, someone selling creature-shaped hats.  Em and I stop to buy Ramune while Amber picks over the selection in a used book stall.

    
As we lean against the wall, Em takes a swig of her lychee flavored drink, making the marble clatter in the neck.  “You think we should buy fangs?”  She points to a custom fang guy across the way.

    
I point up to the Arda booth ahead of us.  “I still need hair for my Moka costume.”

    
“You don’t need pink hair.  Yours is red, it’s good enough.”

    
I shake my head.  “That’s not cannon.  It’s wig or no
Rosario +Vampire
at all.”

    
She giggles at me.  “Okay, okay. As soon as the book worm is done we can go.”

    
“Hey!”  Amber says, popping up from beyond a stack of milk crates.  “I heard that.”

    
“Good,” Em says over her shoulder.  She scratches her head.  “God, this thing is heavy and sweaty.”

    
I give her a sympathetic look.  I know how heavy wigs can be.  Thankfully I’ve just got a crap load of jell in my hair because I’m the red-headed Keena Soga from
Demon King Daimao
today.  Which, come to think of it, isn’t a very appropriate costume for me to be wearing.  Some anime was made entirely for male viewers.  But I guess I didn’t really notice how bad fan service was until I committed carnal sin and became hyperaware of my own sexuality.

    
Em turns around and addresses Amber.  “We’re gonna sit down.”

    
“Okay,” Amber responds, voice muffled from behind the crates.

    
“C’mon.”  Em leads me toward the food court.  We get stopped twice for pictures, once for a hug from a fellow fan, and three more times by other people guessing who Em is – hers is the more flashy costume.  Finally, we plop down near a group of boys playing Cards Against Humanity and Em pulls her wig off.  She looks funny with the skull cap and that pretty dress.

    
“Ug, I’m exhausted already,” she moans.  “Do I have bags?” She pulls at the skin under her eyes.  “I can’t have bags.  Jason Hollens is doing a signing in less than an hour.”

    
I roll my eyes.  Jason Hollens is the voice actor for at least half of the uber hot sexy guys on Em’s imaginary men to-do list. “You look fine.”

    
“Do you think if I ask him to say, ‘Emily, you’re the moon to my stars,’ he’ll do it for me?”

    
I smirk at her.  “Only if he’s Khal Drogo.”

    
She giggles and then gets distracted by a steampunk version of Naruto walking hand in hand with a girl in a Mokona hat.  Eyes still on the couple, she says, “Hey, Nett?”

    
“Uh huh?”

    
“Are you okay?” 

    
I give her a sideways glance, which prompts her into continuing.  “You didn’t come to church on Sunday, which isn’t like you.  You haven’t been in school all week.  And when I called your dad, well, he said that Tamrin had disappeared.”

    
I stare at my shoes, wishing I could be like Keena Soga and turn invisible at will.  It’s only fair that I explain myself.  But, I don’t know how much to explain.  I press my hands together and clamp them between my knees.  “Em, I have something to tell you…”

    
“Okay,” she says, eyes intent on me.

    
I wait for a long moment, long enough for Em to feel like she needs to take a sip of her Ramune.  I close my eyes and just say it.  “I slept with Tam.”

    
She chokes and then spits Ramune soda across the table.  I pat her back as she wheezes, but she grabs my hand, her eyes huge.  “You what?” she practically screams.

    
The heat of my blush makes me feel like I’m going to melt.  The Adventure Time people across the way are staring at us.  I avoid their gazes by looking down at the pink and blue wig in her lap, at the tiny pearl and gemstone halo that I helped her make during our lunches.  It had been Tamrin’s idea to use the wire, after seeing a picture. 

    
Tamrin…

    
“Nett.” Em’s hand squeezes mine.  “Netti.”

    
“Yeah.” I look up at her.  Her eyes are big and concerned again.  It’s weird seeing her with those red colored contacts. 

    
“Are you serious?”

    
I frown at her.  “Why would I lie about something like that?”

    
“I don’t know,” she says, pulling her hand away.  “It’s just.  That’s not like you.”

    
Ashamed of myself I look away.  “I know.”

    
Another moment passes.  “He didn’t, like, force you or anything?”

    
“God, no!”  I yelp.  The idea of Tamrin forcing me to do anything is laughable.  “It was…it was consensual.  Spur of the moment, but I wanted it.  I just…forgot the consequences.”

    
Emily looks confused.  “Consequences?”

    
I lift a brow, not particularly surprised because none of my friends are as devout as I am.  “Sin?”

    
“Oh, right.”  She nods.  “Is that why you didn’t come to church?”

    
I nod.  “I’m so horrible, Em.  I couldn’t go in there.  I’d probably be struck by lightning.”

    
“Whoa, whoa, back up and wait a second,” Em says.  “What are you talking about?  You wouldn’t get hit with lightning.  You’re a good person.”

    
I shake my head, the tears finally bursting free.  “I’m not.  I’m terrible.  I’m horrible.  It’s my fault we did it, Em.  It’s my fault! I convinced him to – seduced him!  And now, and now,” my voice hiccups and I break down in sobs, “he’s gone!”