Finding Us (16 page)

I want to let Knox into my heart the way I’ve let Summer, and even Rex, but I’m not sure I can until he lets me in. Even if Knox and I only wind up being friends after this, there has to be a level of trust built between us. So for now, I’ll keep a wall up around my heart until he’s ready to help tear it down.

Knox’s groggy voice brings me back to Earth, “What are you thinking?”

I lift my head from his chest. I run a finger around his nipple which causes him to shiver, “You, us.”

Knox puts his free hand behind his head and stares intently into my eyes, my stomach churns with anxiety and fear that I may suddenly be reading him completely wrong.

I’m becoming more and more uncomfortable with the minutes that tick past. Finally Knox breaks the silence, “And what were you thinking?”

Biting my lip, I look away, “That I wish you would let me in.”

Knox is quiet again. Maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut but where would that get us? Whatever is going on between us needs to be addressed. It may not be easy for either of us but one of us needs to crack and I’m hoping it’s him.

“Okay.”

My head jerks back in his direction, “What?” I say, clearly surprised by his answer.

“Okay. I’ll let you in. It’s not going to be easy for me but I’ll give you what I can for now. It’s all I have to offer.” He looks so haunted but he’s giving me a little something and I’ll take what I can get.

I lie my head back down on his chest and wait for him to start. Minutes tick by and he still doesn’t say anything. When his voice finally starts its thick and distant. “Rex and I had the best parents any kids could ever dream of.” I notice he says ‘had’ right away. “They were always running Rex and me here and there for sports. Mom and Dad would sit down every night after dinner and help us with our homework. If we struggled with something they would help us work it out.” Knox is silent for a few more minutes before continuing. “Dad was always busy. He owned the business but he always managed his time right for us, to make sure he was always part of our lives. When Dad had to go away on a trip and it was just us with Mom she always made those nights fun. We’d take all the blankets and pillows in the whole house and put them in the living room and she would help Rex and I make forts to sleep in. She’d take us to the movies and let us eat junk food for dinner. She was always doing something to keep our minds occupied when Dad was away.

“Sometimes Mom had to leave to go away for business too, Mom worked with Dad. She managed the layout, design and interior of the different projects that were up and coming. Mom just had that eye for that kind of stuff and it worked out well for them. When Mom would be out of town Dad stepped up and did his best to fill both set of shoes. He’d let us stay up late and watch scary movies even though Mom always yelled at him for it.” Knox chuckles at the memory. “He would take us to baseball games, or take us to the batting cages to burn off some energy. It was always my parents taking care of the two of us, my grandparents on both sides passed away early on and both of my parents were only children. When Rex and I were a little older, I think I was around fourteen and Rex was around ten, my parents bought this house.” I imagined a teenaged Knox with light brown hair and sun kissed skin running around the house with sandy swim trunks and his mom chasing behind him, laughing and carrying on. “We spent every summer here, away from all the chaos and everyday life from back home. Things in New York, as you know, never stop; here everything is slow paced.”

Knox shifts so he’s facing me. He tucks a piece of hair behind my ear. “We met Cade and Jeremy our first summer here and they kind of stuck around ever since. Mom and Dad didn’t seem to mind, in fact a few summers Rhea and Tanner came to stay with us too. Mom and Dad were friends with their parents from high school. We used to get into some shit and Mom and Dad were always there to bail us out. So we spent all of our summers here up until a few years ago. This house holds so many memories it was hard being here for a while.” Knox’s voice breaks.

I reach out and take one of Knox’s hands in mine and kiss the back of it. I’m a glutton for punishment but I have to ask, “Rhea and I were talking Saturday night when we were getting ready for the club. I noticed all the clothes that she and Tanner had here and she said they used to stay here all the time like you said, but she mentioned a girl.” Knox’s whole body goes rigid and he yanks his hand back. I immediately feel like an idiot and should have just taken what he gave me.

Knox rolls on his back and stares up at the ceiling with his eyes squeezed tightly together. Suddenly he’s out of bed and yanking on his lounge pants. He doesn’t glance my way, doesn’t mutter a word. He walks over to sliding window, opens it and steps out onto the balcony. I sit in his bed, pull the sheets up to cover my naked body, and watch him pace. He runs both hands through his hair a few times and then takes a seat in one of the chairs.

I’m so stupid for opening my damn mouth but I need to know and obviously whoever
she
is meant a great deal to Knox. I throw myself back against the pillow and mentally beat myself up. Time passes and Knox still sits out on the balcony, legs stretched out in front of him, resting on the railing. Mother Nature calls so I climb out of bed, pick up Knox’s discarded shirt off the floor and slip it on. I button the top few buttons on the way to the bathroom. I take care of business, brush my teeth and run my fingers through my hair, trying to manage it. I wind up throwing it up in a bun of top of my head. I wash my face and then mentally prepare myself to go and face Knox.

He’s still sitting exactly where he has been for the last half hour. I step outside; the warm salty air washes over me. Knox still doesn’t look my way as I step closer to him and my stomach knots up. I’ve ruined anything we could have had.

There is a chair on the other side of Knox but he doesn’t move and let me pass so I lean my back up against the glass window, my hands hung down at my sides. I close my eyes, take a deep breath and then let it out slowly. Just as I open my eyes, with my heart steeled, I see Knox make a move for my hand. His pinky grazes mine just like at the gardens. I don’t move, I wait for him to take the lead.

Before I even have time to realize what is happening Knox has me straddled over his legs. He’s holding me to him with such force it’s slightly uncomfortable. Knox needs this and I’m going to give it to him. He has his head nuzzled into my neck and I feel him lightly kiss me.

“I’m sorry I brought it up.” I whisper against his neck.

Knox cups the back of my head and tilts my head so that he has better access to my neck. He nips, sucks and kisses his way to my collar bone. His gruff voice pierces the silence, “I’m sorry too but I can’t let you inside that part of me just yet.” He bites down on my collar bone and it sends tingles all the way down to my core, making me forget about what we were talking about.

I decide right now if I want to try and have a relationship with Knox, I need to let this go. I know he’ll tell me in time. I make the decision that I’m okay with that. Knox is giving me an out if I want it but I don’t want it.

I want this with him.

I need this with him.

There is a hidden connection between us and I’m going to do everything in my power to uncover it. It’s strong, powerful and scares the shit out of me.

I feel that Knox is someone who is supposed to be in my life. He makes me vulnerable, makes me want things I never knew I wanted. He makes me see things clearly and lets me be me. I’m my own person.

I’m jumping the wall that’s around my heart for Knox, I’m not going to sit around and wait for him to tear it down.

I’m all in. I just hope he’s there to catch me.

Jasmine ripped a painful Band-Aid off me today. I haven’t spoken about my parents since that agonizing, god-awful day. I gave her a piece of me and now I have to trust that she will hold on to it and not toss it away like a piece of trash. Opening up was one of the hardest things I’ve done. I think I’m okay about it. Maybe this is a sign I’m dealing with the shitty hand that I was dealt.

Time will tell if I’ve made the right decision but for now my heart is telling me I did. My heart hasn’t spoken a word to me since
her
and something in the pit of my stomach is making me realize things I didn’t know before. I thought I was blinded by
her
but I now see that I wasn’t because there is a spot of light coming from Jasmine.

Maybe Rex was right all along.

Our bubble of being imprisoned in Knox’s room for the day quickly comes to an end when Jeremy comes looking for us. It starts with a text to Knox which Knox decided not to read when Jeremy’s name flashed a crossed the screen. Next a phone call which Knox ignores and I start giggling at Jeremy’s neediness of his best friend. Finally, Jeremy gets tired of being ignored so he comes banging on the bedroom door.

“I know you two are in there. Open the damn door.” Jeremy says with a slight irritation in his voice. “You guys spent all day together yesterday. You know there are other people in this house that would like to spend some time with you guys.”

Knox chuckles and lifts me off of his lap. “Be right back.” He kisses me on the forehead and leaves me out on the balcony.

“What the fuck man?” Jeremy says the second Knox opens the door.

I giggle, he’s really upset. I wouldn’t expect something like this from someone like Jeremy. He seems to be the
independent type but this is a whole other side to him.

“Dude, relax. What’s going on?” Knox says in a nice calm and even voice.

“We are all going down to the beach for the day and then we are going to throw some food on the grill and wait for the fireworks to start.” Knox steps out on the balcony and quickly wraps his body around mine while I stand at the railing watching families walk down to the beach.

“Holy fuck,” Jeremy mutters under his breath.

My body shakes in silent laugher and Knox squeezes me a little tighter to his body. I still have on his dress shirt from the night before; the shirt ends right above my knees so I know everything is covered or Knox would have never brought Jeremy out here with us.

Knox warns Jeremy, “Eyes off asshole.”

Jeremy throws his head back and laughs. “It’s nice to have you somewhat back to normal dude. We miss the old you.”

Knox relaxes and sighs heavily. I tilt my head towards his in comfort, letting him know I’m here for him and I feel for him.

“I don’t think I’ll ever get past that shit that happened man. I’m trying but it ain’t easy.”

“Holy shit!” Summer yells. “What the hell have I missed?”

I turn my head in her direction and shrug my shoulder. I haven’t seen or talked much with her this whole trip so there is a lot to fill her in on, but right this second isn’t the time.

“Wow, this is a surprise.” Rex says as he steps up behind Summer.

Knox kisses the side of my head, “I guess our time has come to an end…for now.”

I shiver as his husky voice wraps around me and leaves me weak in the knees with a promise for more to come.

I take a step away from Knox as Summer reaches for my arm and drags me behind her all the way back to the room she is sharing with Rex.

She sits Indian style on the bed, “Now, what the hell was that back there?”

I pull back the covers on her bed, climb in and cover my legs up, “Where do I even start?”

“How about the beginning?” Summer says as she rolls her eyes. “And don’t you dare leave a single thing out.”

So for the next hour I fill Summer in on everything that has happened since we got here. She doesn’t let me leave a thing out, trust me I tried to leave some of our more intimate moments out but she knows me too well and doesn’t allow it. I see her emotions as I lay out each piece of this weekend and it’s exactly how I’ve felt it. The annoyance, confusion, anxiety, happiness, surprise, desire, curiosity, and the sadness. It’s been an emotional roller coaster, one crazy ride I’m not sure I can get off.

Summer sighs when I finish. “Damn girl,” She runs a hand through her sunshine blonde hair. “So much for trying to keep him at an arms distance, huh?”