Finding the Thing Within (19 page)

***

Giorgia called him that day, all happy again, "We made peace, Federico and I have made peace. Twentyfive days, you realize, and I was going crazy! So in the end I called him with the excuse that I had to give back his presents, and he said ‘let’s talk about it, you did well to call me, because I wouldn’t have'. Can you to imagine, Rosario, what I was risking? If we had broken up not because we had stopped loving each other, but because of the bad attitude of someone else outside our relationship? Well, anyway thank goodness it’s over."

"I’m happy for you both, say hello to him from me, and welcome him back."

This October was warmer than any October he could remember, the days were sunny and the sea was splendid. It was even better than part of September had been. People were still going swimming at the beach and Lorenzo, who had another exam in November exploited the weather to go and study there between dips in the sea. Rosario, between one client and the next, would also often go to the beach and so they would swim together and do some crosswords.

"You know," said Lorenzo. "Later, I meeting Paola, she says she wants to speak, so I’d better go."
"Are you coming back?"
"I don’t think so."
"I’m going to stay for a bit, the sun’s still high."
"Ok, I’ll phone tomorrow, bye."
Rosario remained alone, and while he was taking in the last of October’s sun, saw a beautiful boy making his way across the rocks. He stopped not too far from him and lay down his things. Rosario couldn’t see the boy well from where he was, just someone else who kept buzzing around him. Perhaps bothered by him, the boy got up and moved a little closer to Rosario to where he could be far better observed. They looked at each other for some time and Rosario admired his beauty. His body wasn't huge but it was strong. He had long, black hair and white-rimmed sunglasses.
Suddenly the boy got up from his rock and said, "Excuse me, it’s uncomfortable here, would you mind if I moved down there?" Indicating a stone near his.
"Well," said Rosario, who couldn’t wait to meet him, "There’s some comfortable space right here beside me.
The boy didn't hesitate a second and came down beside him.
"My name’s Gianluca."
"I’m Rosario, how old are you?"
"Twenty-one, and you?"
"Guess?"
Gianluca looked at him carefully for a moment, from head to toe and said: "Short hair, but there’s hair and not much grey, a little fat on the stomach."
"Bastard," Rosario complained.
"Nice tight physique...uh...let’s say thirty-five, max thirty-seven."
Rosario hid his happiness and openly, and with feigned sadness, said that he was forty-seven. He was expecting 'Really? You look really great for your age!' But nothing came. Rosario noticed immediately that his accent wasn't local.
"Where are you from? Your accent doesn’t sound Palermitan."
"I am originally but I live abroad."
"Where?"
"It depends on the job."
He frowned a moment asked. "And what is your job?"
"I am a professional entertainer and work for an agency that has hotels all over the world."
"Oh! That’s interesting, you must know other languages then?"
"Yes, I speak English, French and German. I’m okay at Russian, Arabic and Chinese," he said proudly. "Wow, well done! And why are you here now?
"I came back on holiday. Last week I was working in Venice and in fifteen days I was supposed to go to Tunisia, but with what happened in New York it’ll probably be a postponed trip. If I’m not going to Tunis, I can choose between either Mexico or Malta."
"Well, I’d choose Mexico, if I were you. What does your job involve then?"
"I told you entertainment; singing, dancing, telling jokes...just keep them entertained. I’m head of a whole team that follow me."
"Aren’t you too young to already be a head entertainer at twenty-one?"
"Usually yes, but I started when I was 17 years and I’ve had a lot of experiences. And I really believe in my job, I always stayed while others, even superiors, would just do a few seasons at the most. Aside from it being unprofessional, they would automatically lose the esteem of the company bosses!"
He was cheerful and added a pun or a joke to everything he said. He had a great body and particularly beautiful feet. Rosario liked feet and always asked the shoes size of the guys he met."
"Size 43 and you?"
A little ashamed at his small feet, he answered, “40.”
"Ha, like a girl."
"What can I do? These are the feet that nature has given me. What kind do you go for?" Rosario fired back.
"Guys like you," said Gianluca without thinking. “I’m not interested at all in boys my age, they’re superficial and immature."
"And you feel mature at twenty-one?"
"Of course I can’t have the experience of an old dude like you," and he laughed.
"Hey hey, don’t go too far! You don’t even know me well enough to be talking like that with me."
"We can soon fix that," and came up close to kiss him, but Rosario drew back.

Who knows how many he’s screwed?
thought Rosario to himself.
This twenty-one year, in his travels around the world.
And although he seemed masculine at first, he

often made swift ambiguous gestures with his hands.

No!
he thought,
It is best not to betray Lorenzo.

"Hey what’s up? I thought you liked me!" "I do like you, but I’m kind of with a guy who just left half an hour ago, just before you came, and I don't feel like cheating on him."
"Okay but I wasn’t expecting this after how you were looking at me just now."
"Looking is one thing, doing, another."
His phone rang; Rosario saw Lorenzo’s number on the display and answered.
“Hello?”
“It’s over with Paola."
"How come?" He said, worried.
"I told you that it wasn’t going to last with the way she's been acting recently."
"Right, I see...we can speak tomorrow, okay ciao."
Rosario was cold and immediately tried to end the conversation, he didn’t know why but it bothered him to be speaking with Lorenzo with Gianluca next to him, what if he could hear him and got the wrong idea? It was better this way; they could talk more calmly about his argument with Paola the following day.
He looked at Gianluca and smiled, "That was him, he’s argued with his girlfriend."
"Oh, so he’s bisexual?"
"That's what he says, but as time goes on I believe it less and less."
"Why do you say that?"
"He often prefers to stay with me than with her!"
"What’s he like? Is he hot?" asked Gianluca with interest.
"At first he wasn’t, and then he got better." "He had surgery?"
"What, surgery! No, in the sense that at first I didn’t like him then I fell in love and so now he’s beautiful for me."
"Well if you’re saying that he’s beautiful only because you’re in love, then he must be really ugly."
"No, he’s not
ugly
at all, I’m just saying that I didn’t like him at the beginning because he was wearing glasses and was bald."
"So you like him now because he’s taken off his glasses and put a wig on!"
"Listen Gianluca, I know it’s your job to make people laugh, but we are not in some stupid hotel full of stupid people."
"Hey I didn’t want to offend you; I won’t touch your man. What color is it anyway?"
"What color is what?"
"The wig!" And he laughed but this time Rosario laughed as well.
"It’s impossible to be serious with you, but what should I expect from a twenty-one-year-old?"
"So why do I go for mature people, so I find people more serious than me, no?"
"It doesn’t matter anyway...have you been openly gay for long?"
But I’m not gay," and made an effeminate movement with his hands. “I’m all woman."
"I’m telling you now," said Rosario. "I can’t stand
checche."
"Silly! Sometimes we dress as women at work and have to play the part but I’m not usually such a flamer, or hadn’t you noticed?"
"So I asked you if you’ve been gay for long."
Gianluca changed tack and started speaking about his life.
"Probably always, but until I was fifteen I tried to hide it, perhaps even to myself. Then one time when I was sixteen I was studying at home, my mother, who probably already had some suspicions, was watching a movie about this gay couple. At a certain point she said, 'Well, if I were that mother, I’d prefer to have my son become a criminal rather than a gay.' I closed my book, looked her in the face and said, 'Mother, let’s talk.' and since then everyone in the house has known, my mother, my sister, my brother and father."
"And what did your father say?" asked Rosario, playing the psychologist.
"My father told me that he wanted me out of the house, then my mother and my brother both told him that he was being old-fashioned and eventually he calmed down a bit. Now, when I get back from my trips he’s the first to ask about my life and if I’ve met someone new. Since I came out, my family life has only changed for the better. I brought my boyfriends to the house."
"You were so brazen?"
"I still am! No problems! I had this thing for a while with this hot, thirty-eight-year-old policeman that fell for me, and my mother was overjoyed when I introduced him. A police officer in the house! T0hen we fought and I sent him to hell, but he still calls me occasionally. My poor mother still asks me about him from time to time, she was so disappointed, she felt like a mother-in-law to him! Even my father for his part was happy, because he thought that despite being gay I’d finally settled down. How many men have seen my house, only God knows."
"If you’ve had all these experiences at your age, just imagine by the time you reach my age!"
"I’ll write a book about it, with photos."

***

It was getting late and the days were getting shorter. Despite the clear, sunny skies, it ended early, and at five-thirty it was already slightly chilly.

"Shall we go?" asked Rosario.
"Did you come by car?"
Yes, do you want a ride?"
"Yes, I came by bus and I wouldn’t mind a ride

back."
"Where are you going?"
"To see my father at work and I’ll go home with

him."
"So where should I drop you off?"
"You can leave me near the city bypass, I’ll show

you where I mean."
And they went.

Part 25

Lorenzo had a shocking expression on his face, as if he had been slapped. He was so sad and silent when Rosario found him at the beach, and after saying hello, he attacked.

"I can’t believe you, Rosario!"
"Me? What have I done?"
"What have you done? What? After I argue with

Paola and tell you that we’re finally over you knew how much I cared about her, loved her and my world was shattered in pieces and you say 'Right, I see…' on the phone!"

"What was I supposed to say?"

"I don’t know, maybe 'How are you?', or 'Let's meet up now and talk' or
anything
."
Rosario knew that was right but couldn’t lose his nerve and tell him that he had been in Gianluca’s company.
So he said, "Look, sorry, I understand what you're saying but it seemed stupid to ask how you were feeling, it was obvious that you would be feeling terrible and it didn’t seem right to commiserate. It’s like when you go to a funeral and the friends of the deceased barely say their condolences, you can’t really go asking ‘how are feeling! Everyone knows full well how a widow is going to be feeling."
"Along with her, I’ve lost myself, she was my girl, my lover and my confidante. Everything is going to be different from now on! She understood me, cheered me up me when I was down, made me laugh. She would often make up crazy, funny stories to pick me up. She's intelligent, educated and knows when to speak and when to stay quiet. I’ve known her for years and we had so many great moments together. We went camping one time; we had so much fun even though it was just us two. She doesn’t drink but one time in a pizzeria she randomly decided that she was going to drink, even if I didn’t. She began to laugh more and got all happy, then she started speaking really loud, climbed up onto the table and started dancing to the music. She insisted that I get up and dance with her. At first I said no but then, with not only her goading, but everyone else in the restaurant, I got up and danced with her to the rhythmic clapping of the crowd surrounding us. I had so much fun that night; I was so happy carefree next to my woman. I thought it would be forever, but alas…"
"And it’s my entire fault, isn’t it?"
"Meh, maybe it’s partly yours, but she was changed recently anyway and now I’m alone."
"Alone? What about me?"
"You’re happy about this, aren’t you? You’re happy she’s gone and you’ve lost a rival, so I can be all yours."
"What are you talking about? Don’t even think it!"
Rosario wouldn’t admit it but deep down it was true, without her, he would be more his own. He tried to kiss and touch him, but he said he wasn’t in the mood and refused. Rosario could see how upset he was and didn't insist. While they were leaving, Lorenzo lowered to the ground and picked up a small heart-shaped stone and gave it to Rosario.
"What does this mean?" asked Rosario.
"Don’t say I don’t give you anything."
Rosario took the stone, looked at it with great attention, held it tightly in his hand and put it in his pocket.

***

"Rosario listen," Giorgia said.
"I’ve called Francesco to organize a trip to Catania zoo next Sunday but he can’t come but we can go just the same. You can tell Lorenzo and that’ll make four of us so we can all go in one car."
"Alright Giò, I’ll let you know."
"How’s it going with Lorenzo?
“Fine."
"What do you mean, 'fine'? A while ago you were saying 'Very well'."
"For now we’re in a crisis since he’s broken up with his girlfriend, and he’s angry even if he’s not exploding with rage."
"Okay, let’s go on this trip to take our minds off things then!"
"All right, love you!"

***

Rosario called Lorenzo straight away and told him about Giorgia’s idea.
"No, I can’t make it next Sunday, I have a basketball match and I’m really busy, it was supposed to be last Sunday but it was canceled, so I can’t miss it this time. See if you can plan it for another Sunday that I’m definitely free, ok?"
"Ok I’ll try, and we'll speak soon, bye."