Finding the Thing Within (17 page)

"Don’t worry," said Lorenzo cheekily. "My state-ofthe-art TV can get other channels too," and he turned the tuner dial to a barely discernible commercial channel.

Meanwhile Rosario caressed him lovingly, touched his legs and Lorenzo did they same. Flesh is weak and they began to get excited, before going through the same ritual as in the morning. They spent the rest of the afternoon listening to the radio and playing cards and by seven o’clock Rosario was back on the road. All the way back he was thinking that if not for his mother, he could have stayed the night there with Lorenzo. He had never slept the whole night with a man, only sex, only squalid sex.

Then he thought,
Why squalid?
Maybe afterward

but in the moment he had always enjoyed the sex. Yes, he could have, would have spent the night with Lorenzo. To stay close, bodies entwined all through the night, like lovers, like with Paola. Paola! That's what was ruining everything. Why could Paola spend the night with Lorenzo and not him? In that moment he resented his mother. His beloved Rigoletto came on the stereo:

“Dei, non parlare al misero del suo perduto bene... Ella sentia, quell’angelo pietà delle mie pene... Solo, difforme, povero, per compassion mi amò. O Moria... Moria ...le zolle coprano lievi quel capo amato,
Sola or tu resti al misero.
O Dio sii ringraziato! sii ringraziato!...”

He eyes often got teary when listening to Rigoletto, and the tears were beginning to swell now. Although the road had been deserted for many kilometres, he eventually found himself amongst fairly thick traffic. A car behind him was trying to overtake at all cost, but couldn't manage. It looked like a black BMW in his rear-view mirror. It tried to pass a second and a third time, finally passed and went past so quickly that in no time it could no longer be seen. Five minutes further down the road he saw the same black BMW stopped just ahead of a police car. He smiled at justice, for once, executed.

***

The days passed calmly, without highs or lows. The city was deserted, silent as if sleeping. In the mornings he did the shopping for his mother, fortunately some shops were still open, and then went to the beach. Even at the beach there were few people spread out among the rocks, far fewer than there had been in July. Who could leave the city had left and gone on holiday! Many of his friends had, even if only for a few days, but they gone just the same. It wasn’t that he couldn’t afford it economically even though business wasn’t amazing, he had quite a bit of money saved away but what would he do with his mother? He could leave her in Venice with his brother Aldo, but she didn't want to go. Neither could he leave her with his stepsister, since her husband would have terrible moods and they didn’t get on.

He was the only unmarried son and so had to put up with this situation.
A flamer, a “
checca
”, approached and smiled at him: “Can I lie down here?” And pointed to a rock next to his, with so many rocks that were free to choose from? It was in a public space so he couldn’t exactly say no.
"If you want to!" And turned his back to him.
"Are you alone?" he inquired.
"Can you see anyone else?" Said Rosario rudely, thinking that doing so he would have understood that it was not acceptable.
"Look, are you straight or gay? I ask because if you are hetero, I was wondering what you're doing around here, and if you’re a gay...well you don’t seem gay! Not at all!"
"Do you mind? I don’t really feel like talking."
"Oh, okay sorry." and he stripped naked and lay down, as if on display. Rosario occasionally looked out of the corner of his eye to see what the young queen kept hinting at him. He decided to make it loud and clear that there would be nothing happening with him. The irritated
checca
dressed and stormed off.

***

When he got back he had a shower, had his dinner and went out, feeling a bit bad that he hadn’t seen his mother at all that day. Luckily in August, Palermo played host to 'Palermo scene’, an event organized by the city council comprising music, theatre and cinema at discount prices for those who remained in the city. The scheduled film that evening was Kubrik’s ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ and hearing that it was supposed to be good he decided to go. The film was being screened in an outdoor arena which suited him since he preferred to stay out in the open. He found a seat and while waiting for the start he watched the people who, arriving late, were desperately looking for a place. Almost immediately his eye fell on a young man and a woman who were doing the same. Rosario scrutinized the young man carefully and seemed to recognize Tullio, Lorenzo's friend, and presumably his girlfriend. He had seen him once from a distance, talking to Lorenzo, and was sure it was him. Once they had settled into a seat, Rosario came up to get a closer look. Tullio returned his gaze and Rosario, remembering that Lorenzo had credited his friend with a great deal of intelligence, thought he had been recognized. He sat back down and watched the film.

***

The following day he received an email:
“Dear Mr. Mollica.

Sorry for the delay in replying but I’ve been extremely busy with work both in Rome and Palermo to organize listening demonstrations to demonstrate various advances in the field of atmospheric acoustics. I would be honored with your company at one of these demonstrations. As such, I am forwarding you a personal invitation.

Yours,
Tullio Chiazzese.”

Very good,
thought Rosario, it had definitely been

him the previous evening. If he was intelligent as Lorenzo indicated, he will have already tied together that the Rosario Mollica who had written the email, the Rosario who had called while they had been in Lampedusa and that guy who had looked at him with such insistence at the cinema were all one and the same person. It was better this way, a step closer to an official introduction that sooner or later had to come about between Rosario and Tullio. To understand how much of his suspicions were true, he called Lorenzo and told him that he had perhaps seen Tullio at the arena.

"I knew that he was going to see that film," Lorenzo confirmed. "So it was probably him."
"You know," continued Rosario. "He replied to my email and said that as soon as he finishes organizing everything he’s going to invite me along."
"Well, so then you’ll get what you want."
"Why do you have to be sarcastic? You should be happy that I want to get to know your world and even while you say you want to, you’re trying to avoid it."
"Look, the phone costs money, I’m going."
"The phone costs..? But I called you! You’re pissed off then."

Part 22

August flew by and September arrived. Although Rosario and Lorenzo spoke almost every day by phone, the frequency of their meetings continued to decline. They no longer went out in the evenings and their relationship seemed to be forced and cold.

"What’s happening with us?" asked Rosario one day.
"There are problems with Paola, the situation is rough with her too, she found out that we’re still in contact and she wants it to stop."
"What? Wasn’t she the one saying that she wanted to meet me?"
"Now she doesn’t want to meet you, she doesn’t even want to think about you."
"Why not?"
"Because she’s not even sure herself, she doesn’t even know what she wants."
"I know why she doesn’t want to meet me. Before we spoke on the phone she was convinced she was dealing with some fairy, like her gay friends. When she heard the deep resounding voice of a man, she got scared."
"I don’t think that’s it though."
"Trust me, that is what it is! If I had been the ‘
checca
’ that she expected, she’d have been able to accept me and accept what you wanted, but she heard a man and got scared of you as well."
"Whatever, let’s not dwell on it further, come here and give me a kiss."

***

"I did it, I finally broke up with her." said Francesco. "I can’t be living with the worry of being killed by her Mafia boyfriend. I’d prefer to lose her than risk everything, she is engaged after all, if she hadn’t been I certainly wouldn’t have given up to a rival."

"And what are you going to do now?" Asked Rosario.
"I don’t know, it’ll be difficult for me, we had something special, as well as being an amazing lay she really understands me and she’s beautiful, really beautiful. I’m very sorry to lose her."
"So you’re all alone now?"
"I’m seeing an old friend, someone I’ve known for years."
"You never give up, do you? Who is she anyway, do I know her?"
"I don’t think so, her name’s Silvana and she’s divorced. The only blight is that she’s 47."
"Seven years older than you...when are you going to return to your senses?"
"Well I’m not getting any younger, and I have to think about my future too, don’t I?"
"And can you handle a relationship with a woman who isn’t 25 like your usual prey but even older than you?"
"Mmm. don’t think I know the answer to that yet."

***

On Tuesday, 11th September at ten o’clock Lorenzo called Rosario:
"Hi, what’re you doing?"
"I have an appointment with a client."
"And then?"
"Then I’m free."
"You know that my brother and parents are out all morning, why don’t you pop round?"
"Alright I’ll be there as soon as I finish."

An hour later he was knocking at Lorenzo’s door. He opened it wearing nothing but underwear.
"I wanted to see you."
"Not going so great with Paola, uh?"
"Yes."
"Yeah I get it now; you call me when things are going badly with her."

"Don’t say such silly things; I wanted to be with you so I called."
They stretched out on the bed and Lorenzo began taking off his pants.
"I want you inside me; I want you to take me."
Rosario willingly carried out his wish as if it were an order. Lorenzo was a mad with pleasure that day, rocking about and struggling with Rosario as never before. Then he turned and without saying anything began to bend Rosario over as if to penetrate him. Rosario looked at him expecting that this time would be as unsuccessful as the others.
However, Lorenzo managed after all, and proudly said, “Time...with me it takes a bit of time and everything goes smoothly."
They approached and reached the highest peaks of their climax. Then, relaxing side by side and wrapped in each others arms, Rosario said, "There’s only one thing I’m asking you Lorenzo, don’t leave me. I couldn’t stand it."
"Don’t worry, I’ll never leave you!"
"When’s your birthday?" Rosario asked.
"The fifth of October."
"I was thinking about what to get for you and I thought something to do with sport, I don't know, a tracksuit or a sporty sweatshirt."
"You don’t need to worry about a present."
"Why not? I want to so I will. Do you know what the others are getting you?"
"Hmm, no…maybe some CDs, I’d like the soundtrack to ‘Le Fate Ignoranti'."
"I’ll get you the CD then, so you don’t get something you don’t like. Okay?"
"Ok, fine."
They got up and showered. Rosario’s phone rang. "Yeah? Who is it? Oh, hi Francesco."
"Did you hear yet? A plane has crashed into a skyscraper in New York."
"No, I’m at Lorenzo’s house, so..."
"They’re saying it was an attack."
"No, it can’t be! To the Americans? Impossible!"
"Usually it’s you that phones me to tell me the news; I’m listening to the radio in the car."
"Ok, anyway, ciao."

Still caressing each other, they sat down in front of the computer and looked at images of what was happening. His phone rang again and this time he answered immediately.

"Yes?"

"Turn the TV on now, quickly! They’ve hit a second skyscraper and the White House."
"The White House? What the fuck are you saying?"
"Yes, it’s a right mess."
"Ok...later...Lorenzo, quickly switch on the TV, there’s been an attack."
The TV was repeating the news and they saw the twin towers in flames and horribly devastated, the Boeing which had penetrated the skyscraper like a knife through butter. Almost immediately the news showed pictures of the third attack on the Pentagon, what Francesco had incorrectly called the White House. They were immobilized with shock. Lorenzo turned to Rosario and whispered:
"This’ll be a third world war!"
"Don’t exaggerate."
"Exaggerate? You think America will stand back and do nothing? Let them hit those symbols of capitalism, and not respond? Who knows how many deaths there have been and America won’t react?"
"First they need to find out who did it."
"They’ll know, you’ll see that they already know! It’ll have been Saddam Hussein or Gaddafi, or the Iranians! You know, I went up and onto the roof of that building when I was in New York last year? I should have some pictures somewhere. Can you imagine if something like this had happened when I was there! It’s best not to think about it."
They switched off the TV.
"Maybe it’s better that you go, my brother could come at any moment."

***

Rosario turned on the radio in the car and every channel buzzed with more and more news of the horrific attack. He heard the sounds live, the voices and shouts of people escaping the disaster.

He rushed home and turned on the TV.

"It’s since this morning that they’re showing only this." said his mother. "The neighbors are talking about nothing else."

He spent the whole afternoon watching TV and saw the collapse of both the first and second tower live. He saw people crying and he wept along with them. Everyone knew Rosario as a man without a heart, without feelings but seeing those images, he reacted. He remembered seeing the funeral of Judge Giovanni Falcone on TV and weeping like a child and another time when a man at the funeral of General Carlo Alberto Dalla Chiesa held up a sign which read ‘Here Ends Hope for all Honest Men'.

Part 23

"Rosario?" said Giorgia.

"Hello Giorgia how’s it going? Did you hear what’s happened?"
"Of course! How could I not have? It’s a terrible, terrible thing. Rosario I need to talk, can I see you tonight, at my place?"
"Has something happened?"
"I don’t feel like talking about it on the phone, see you this evening, ok?"
"Ok this evening!" He got to Georgia’s after dinner at nine-thirty and found her in pajamas and with a terrible, worried face.
"What’s happened?"
"It’s finished!" and she began to cry.
"Who, with Federico?"
"He’s finally left me. Federico’s gone for good."
"What so suddenly? There must’ve been a reason?"
She wiped her tears as she tried unsuccessfully to assume a calmer demeanor.
"He had a big row with my son, Michelangelo who had jokingly asked 'When are you going to marry my mother? It’s been four years you’ve been together and you haven’t even spoken about getting married' and he went on like that."
"And just for that he decided to leave you?"
"Well it wasn’t the first time that he's tried to provoke him with a comment like that, and it was the tone in which he said it that made Federico crazy, you know how Michelangelo can be! He has an arrogant way about him and even with me, his mother, he can often be offensive. Imagine what that must be like for Federico, a stranger. He kind of said it jokingly, but underneath you could sense the threat of an ultimatum. Federico was right where you are now, putting up the curtain when it all started."
"Did it come to blows?"
"What? No! Michelangelo had said it the day before. It’s my fault because even though I knew about what he had said, he hadn’t ever complained about my son before, and he stopped, came down from the step-ladder, made a cross with the hammer and screwdriver he had in his hands and said ‘with this cross we are finished’ and he left."
"When was this?" asked Rosario.
"The day before yesterday, what should I do? If this means he’s definitely gone, well, I’m not twenty anymore, it's not easy to start over now."
"Don’t even think about it, you’ll see everything will be fine!"
"Yes, it’ll be fine, but two days have passed and no word, I’m not going to phone him though, not over my dead body! How are things with you and Lorenzo?"
"I wouldn’t know what to say, sometimes really well and other times disastrously."
"Oh, Rosario, I always said that we’re going to end up giving each other company when we’re old. Both sitting there with walking-sticks and shaking voices," she said, and then went on in the voice of an old woman, "Do you remember when we were young, there was this man that I really loved, what was he called? Oh yes, Federico, and didn’t you use to love someone called Lorenzo?"
They laughed and Rosario repeated, “I’m sure it’ll end up exactly like that!”
"Listen, I’m going, don’t let it get to you, you’ll see that everything will go back to how it was before, don't forget that even if you’re scared of not finding anyone else, he’s in the same boat. He’s close to fifty, so it wouldn’t be easy for him to find another woman. I love you, Georgia."
Then he left. He thought about how unfortunate they all were. Francesco had broken up with his girlfriend, which until then had been going well. Federico, who had loved Giorgia, had now left, and his boyfriend was having an existential crisis. Everything was just a perfect dream.