Finding the Thing Within (20 page)

Rosario told Giorgia who reluctantly accepted the change.

***

October’s weather just didn’t want to cool off, and it was already the eighth. Lorenzo had to prepare for an exam on the first of November and continued to make the most of the Indian summer by studying at the beach, alternating his revision with frequent dips in the still warm waters. Rosario went to meet him there after lunch whenever he could. One day when he got there, Lorenzo said he had to go immediately for an appointment that he couldn't get out of. Rosario was annoyed, thinking off the useless kilometres that he had driven to get there.

Lorenzo, at any rate, left him there alone, determined to catch the last rays of the sunshine. He tried to pass the time doing crosswords when he saw his friend Mirko from afar, who he hadn’t spoken to properly for about two years. He took courage and called him over. Initially he pretended not to have seen him, but when Rosario insisted he came over with his dog.

"Hello!" said Rosario.
"Hi, how are you?"
"Good and you?"
"Not too bad! You know if you hadn’t called me, I

wouldn’t have said the first word?" said Mirko.
"Let’s forget about blame and call it water under the
bridge!"
Mirko nodded and asked him how he was. "Same as always, you know I have a really nice
boyfriend."
"Who is it, do I know him?"
"Probably not. He doesn’t come here often." "What’s he like, describe him."
"He’s bald and has glasses."
"Does he wear a bandana by chance?"
"What’s a bandana?"
"Like a hat made with a scarf."
"No, none of this bandana business, he’s just bald.
You know that while I’ve not seen you directly, I’ve always
asked after you."
"Oh yes, who to?"
"I asked Carlo and Matteo if they’d heard from or
seen you. Knowing that you’re friends with them, they were
the only people I could ask."
"Well they haven't told me anything. Anyway, I have
to go but let’s keep in touch this time and not argue like
two years ago. We can go out together some time and you
can introduce me to your new man.
"I’ll call you," said Rosario.
"I changed my number, hang on I’ll give you the
new one."
He gave him his e-mail address too, and Rosario
did the same. Rosario was happy because Mirko, had, in
fact, been a true friend and he had always enjoyed his
company. It had been a shame to not speak for two years
and thought that if they were both sensitive to the fact,
there would be no need for it to happen again. That same
evening he received an email:

“Here I am...I hope I wrote down your address right. I think we get on really well, and two years of distance haven’t changed our smiling when we meet. It was good to see you and I hope we can go out some time to chat or meet your man: he doesn’t know what he’s in for!!! Let me hear from you soon. Mirko. PS I’ve attached three pretty photos...”

The attachment to the email was four pictures of naked men in interesting positions, and Rosario took notice and then he saw that all the men in the photos had the dog-tags typical of American soldiers. He thought at first that Mirko had not changed at all but then he remembered that at one time Mirko had even denied being gay. Now he was shamelessly sending gay porn.

***

Rosario’s room was a mess, he had never been tidy, or rather in a certain way he was since in the midst of the disorder, he would say, “I can find anything.” The problem was when his extremely tidy mother tried to sort his room out, putting everything in its place and thus preventing him from finding anything at all. This was inevitably accompanied by insults, yelling, and general mayhem. Rosario said that the world around him was like his universe; in practice it was a kind of perfect chaos, because like the chaos which held sway in the universe at large, stability is always lost if something is moved.

His desk held a computer, some books and magazines, electronics bits and pieces, tissues, CDs, and so on and disorder reigned supreme. The only tidy parts were the bed and his wardrobe, being zealously put straight on a daily basis by his mother.

"Mamma, have you seen a piece of paper with an address on it around about?"
"No idea, you know I don’t touch anything in your room! See if you put it in your pocket."
"It didn’t go into my pocket, I left it on the table and now it’s gone."
"I hardly even go into your room, I do the bed and and the closet and I don’t touch anything else."
"The address is important."
"Look and see if you put it in some other pocket, let’s look for it together."
They started 'dismantling' his cupboard. They took out and checked all the clothes, pants and shirts that had pockets. Although his mother found nothing, Rosario did, it was, in fact inside a shirt pocket, he remembered that he had put it there so as not to lose it. He didn’t say anything immediately because he felt bad and didn’t want his mother saying ‘I told you so’. He hid it and said that really maybe it wasn’t so important after all, and he could recover the address some other way.
This crazy October just kept pushing the heat of summer and the thermometer showed twenty-eight degrees, and the experts were saying that it would stay warm until the middle of the month. He decided that he wanted to go to the beach with Lorenzo. If it was written somewhere that they were going swimming on October 22nd, it would make someone up in the north, soggy with rain, mad with envy. He got his usual beach bag, his sponge carpet roll, to be more comfortable on the rocks, and headed to the beach.
From afar could usually see where Lorenzo was laid out in the sun, but today he could see a guy next to

him.
Shit,
he thought,
Who is that and why is he so close to Lorenzo, he’s obviously hitting on him and he won’t say anything.
And if he let him be would he do something?

Fuck, he hoped not, and while he was approaching he thought of hiding behind some rocks to see what would happen from a distance. Blood was pumping to his head and jealousy had blown his rational thought, and if Lorenzo

had been willing?
Maybe he wants to try other, new things with someone closer to his own age and I’ll be swept to one side.
His head throbbed and thousands of things flew threw

his mind in those five minutes. All of a sudden he saw Lorenzo, who had probably seen him too, he hid himself better, he could almost see his face distinctly, and almost certainly Lorenzo could see his, but he went on hiding.

He thought that if he didn't go any closer, Lorenzo would assume that it couldn’t have been him, and after a while he did. He retraced his steps, said something to the guy next to him, set back down in his place. Rosario felt the urge to understand more of what they were talking about, to see them better. What if this guy had got closer again? Since his own presence had not been established he was free to hit on him all he wanted. He had to find another solution and so trying not to be seen, slowly went up the hill, towards a wooded area where he observed the situation far better.

He slipped nervously and full of bile into the woods. He hadn’t expected a possible betrayal by Lorenzo. Among the trees he failed to see a long, thick branch of thorns and fell and injured himself bloodily. He paused, silent and cursing but finally reached the place that would let him see Lorenzo well, and the surrounding area. Lorenzo was seated and was occasionally looking around as if searching for someone and the young guy had moved off. He thought that, given what had taken place, he couldn’t very well go back down and pretend like nothing had happened. He would wait a few minutes and then go and move his car from the area where the cars were parked, so that Lorenzo wouldn’t see it, especially considering it was parked right next to his. While Rosario was thinking this, Lorenzo got up and dressed.

Now what?
he thought if he didn’t leave now, which

was still far too early, he still had to avoid at all costs that Lorenzo see his car. But the difficult position he found himself in meant that it was impossible for him to get to the car

first. Unfortunately he had no wings to fly there with.
Now what do I do,
his mind circled. Biting his lips and sweating,

although he felt cold, his face was burning. He called him thinking to invent some kind of excuse, but Lorenzo’s phone rang only once, he tried again and now it was switched off.

The battery couldn’t have died just then! Or had he understood everything and turned it off on purpose. My God! He hoped it wasn’t the case. Now he would certainly see the car and his only hope was that he hadn’t been recognized and he would turn back to look for him. He came back down the hill and went to where Lorenzo had been, looked to the distance and kept saying to himself that he had gone back or he would have called. If his phone’s battery was dead he would charge it in the car and phone him. He tried to call again but the phone was still turned off. When he got home he would phone him and explain everything, clear everything up but before he could finish this thought, a message beeped on his phone. He rushed to read:

THAT’S IT, ITS OVER.
His face drained of color and he burst into tears. He stretched back on the towel and wept, he wept without restraint. Tears flowed abundantly down one of his cheeks and he turned over so as not to let others see his moment of weakness. He was disturbed. How was it possible that he had responded like this to a joke? Yes! It had been a stupid joke, maybe a little harsh but he hadn’t done anything serious. He tried to tell himself that it wasn't a permanent thing, that tomorrow he would clear everything up. He took some courage in these thoughts, wiped his tears, got up and wrote a text message:
I WOULDN’T HAVE THOUGHT THAT A STUPID BUT FAIR ACT OF JEALOUSY COULD RESULT IN A REACTION LIKE YOURS.
After a few minutes came the reply:
YOU DON’T TRUST ME SO WE HAVE NOTHING MORE TO SAY TO EACH OTHER, IT'S BETTER IF WE DON'T SPEAK FOR A WHILE.

He felt sick, he didn’t know what to do, the sea was now rough, which had been wonderful when he had arrived. The waves broke unevenly and reformed only after making giant bubbling piles of foam. Rosario couldn’t tell its color for sure. The blue background was mixed green and creamy white by the foam. It called him, a voice from the bottom calling him to dive in his great confusion and distress, and watching intently the small but rough waves,

thought,
Now if I only throw myself in, not being a good swimmer, I’ll surely have it all over
with...then after think

ing for a moment and realizing that it wasn't worth it, he dressed and left.

***

That night was hell as he tried in vain to sleep, he stood up and turning on the computer, wrote:

“Since the first time we met I’ve always been overindulgent with you. You would suggest this or that and I would come running. ‘You know that I need time Rosario’ and I would just accept it, whatever my lover wants!

'You know that there’s still Paola between us Rosario', and I always responded with, ‘okay, don’t worry about it’. That day at the beach that I wanted you, and you were like; 'Rosario, I don’t feel like it', and me like a sheep, it doesn’t matter. I'm always biting my tongue and letting things go on like this, saying to myself: it has to get better that this.

But really, does it always have to be me that just puts up with shit? And after all this docile behavior, you feel like you have to right to get pissed off just because I wanted to know who the fuck you were talking to? And instead of understanding or even thanking what I did (anyone else would have just told you to fuck off) you react like that. I'm sick of all this now, if I have to cry, I’ll cry on my own terms. I love you but we can’t go on like this.”

That night was hellish; his pillow was quickly soaked through with tears and turned it trying to find a dry part. He woke up at seven, hoping to find a reply to his email, he thought that it was perhaps too soon but he wanted to try anyway. There was a reply. Probably Lorenzo had also not slept well and had answered during the night.

“The thing that pisses me off more than anything else is that I saw you, and came over to you in good faith...I discovered you, but you? You kept hiding there behind the rocks...do you think you can take the piss out of me? You watched and hid your head between the rocks so as not to see my face! You have nothing to say for yourself...I naively I thought I must have been wrong since we were looking at each other directly in the eyes and you made no sign of recognition. It was so strange, but it had to be you, then I realized that you were going to hide in the woods! Are you fucking stupid? You wanted to spy on me?

We have so little time to be together anyway and you want to go and hide in the trees? To spy on me! Do you remember way you used to talk? ‘No I never commit, because I hate when people get into the mentality of having to jealously guard their lover...I have to stay free from nonsense like this'. Well this at least explains why you say that 'anyone else would have told me to fuck off'!’ Then how can you explain what you’re saying when you yourself are free as you like to do whatever the fuck you like...and for the rest, I can’t stop you seeing how far I’ve dragged you...but I do not know if anyone would accept you having that orgy in the park!

So please don’t try to take the high ground on jealousy! You are right though when you say that I kept you hanging onto a particularly nasty situation...but I don’t see how this justifies blackmailing me or spying on me! I take all responsibility for what you’re going through, but I've always told you the whole truth and given you complete freedom of choice...so now if you claim that you were a sheep, I’m sorry that these were the conditions you had to put up with...I'm still pretty upset in the meantime...it’s been a rough period and now all this between you and me...anyway if I told you yesterday that I didn't want to see you for a while, it's because I don't want you to be stuck with someone that can’t give you a guarantee and you know how difficult it is for you to stay with me when I'm angry... I’m a right pain in the ass. I love you too...but I also agree...we can’t go on like this.