Finding the Center Within: The Healing Way of Mindfulness Meditation. (34 page)

Still, finding time can be a little difficult. Part of the problem is that our daytime, workday life is so out of balance, so rushed and hectic, that we need to rebalance into the opposite. We move from being totally on all day to being totally off and out of service. If this is the problem, we may need ways to alter our rhythm during the workday hours if we are to spend our evenings differently. For if we get stuck in this pattern, life becomes all work except for those scarce and precious weekends and holidays.

If you say you are too busy, you might examine time spent watching television. Some people conquer television by getting rid of it altogether. As many alcoholics know, with some behaviors it is easier to abstain than to attempt moderation. If you are stuck in this pattern but don’t want to throw out the television, there are less radical steps. Make a deal with yourself to write in your journal or read for half an hour before you turn it on. Intentionally spend an evening without television now and then, or even do a television fast for a week or so. When you reduce the time spent in passive modes of entertainment, you’ll be amazed at how much time you really have. And you’ve solved the problem of finding the time for journaling or other pursuits. Wouldn’t it be interesting to find out what you would do with your time if you stopped passive entertainment?

But when you find yourself surfing channels at light speed because none of what’s on appeals to you and it’s all commercials anyway, perhaps you can mindfully, with love and acceptance toward yourself, acknowledge that for now this is the choice you are making and explore what it feels like to be making this choice.

Keep It Constructive

Finally, nothing can make journaling more unpleasant than if it becomes solely a record of negative, angry, or depressing thoughts and feelings. If all you do in your journal is recycle and rehearse such feelings, it can be harmful. Sometimes this happens because popular culture has infected us with the feeling that being honest means being negative. So feelings of anger or sadness are accepted at face value, while feelings of happiness or love are suspect. This is a carryover from 09 BIEN.qxd 7/16/03 10:02 AM Page 220

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diluted Freudian thinking, where inner exploration means figuring out what we
really
feel and what our
real
motivations are (and what others
really
feel, which is even more fun)—all with the underlying assumption that real feelings are negative and positive feelings are not real. Of course, most journalers will have dark, gloomy entries from time to time. This may even continue for whole periods, especially if there has been a major loss or life change. But if it continues too long, if journaling itself seems to get you depressed, this is worth paying attention to. Perhaps you need to focus your mindfulness on positive aspects a little more. Focus for a time on simple pleasures: that cup of coffee in the morning, the sound of your friend’s voice on the phone, the comforting warmth of your bed on a winter night. Just drawing breath is pleasurable when experienced in the right way. You don’t have to deny the negative feelings or try to manufacture anything that isn’t real. Just consciously open to whatever is there that is healing and positive,
in
addition to
any difficult feelings and thoughts. Our consciousness is like a garden, with weeds, flowers, and vegetables—a whole mixture. Sometimes it is as though we are watering and fertilizing the weeds instead of the flowers. Try watering the flowers for a while. Devote a week to noticing the good things that are there and recording them in your journal.

Keep It Private

Privacy is essential in journaling. If you write in your journal knowing that others may view what you have written, this may hinder the candid flow. Your journal is a place for the raw feeling, the unprocessed sadness or joy. If you are being very honest and noting that you feel joy in someone else’s misfortune and at the same time guilt for feeling that way, you need to be with those feelings without judgment and without worrying that someone may be hurt by reading about them later. Given the way feelings flow and change, you may reach other, more socially acceptable and compassionate feelings later, which you don’t record. Someone who happens upon your journal entry, however, won’t know that, and may be hurt needlessly. But in any case, you just should not have to worry about this.

How can you protect your privacy? Leonardo da Vinci taught himself to write in mirror image so that no one looking over his shoulder 09 BIEN.qxd 7/16/03 10:02 AM Page 221

In addition, some people like to get a locking diary, or, if journaling on the computer, to encrypt the file.

Find the Right Time and Place

Though you can journal anytime, morning and evening are ideal. One practical reason for this is that journaling can easily be interrupted or pushed out of your schedule altogether if you plan to do it during the day. Choosing morning or evening as journaling time helps prevent this. Morning and evening journaling each have a different quality. In the morning, we approach the process with the clarity of a night’s sleep. Dream material may be more of a focus in the morning, since the traces of our dreams are more accessible. Morning writing reviews our life from a higher level, less in touch with the details, but seeing the larger themes more clearly. Morning writing can also set us up for a positive day if we use it to voice intentions about how we want to live. Evening writing, on the other hand, contains richer detail about the day. Sometimes these details contain the real fruit of journaling. Writing at the end of the day helps us let go of the day’s events, ensuring a sleep less troubled by undigested worry and anxiety. It also facilitates productive dreaming, bringing important themes from the day into focus for exploration in our sleep. You may find one time works best for you, or you may want to get the rewards of both morning and evening by varying when you write or even doing both.

Make a Quiet Space

As much as possible, let your journaling be surrounded by
quietness
. Find a peaceful, comfortable place for writing and choose a time when 09 BIEN.qxd 7/16/03 10:02 AM Page 222

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you will not be interrupted. Put the answering machine on, activate your voice mail, or just unplug the phone. Let the people you live with know what you are doing and enlist their cooperation. You may want to use a favorite pen or choose a special notebook. These are ways of
re-
specting
the process. When we respect the process, it is more likely to reward us. Sit down, write the date on the paper, close your eyes, and gently breathe in and out. Let your mind review recent life events, perhaps focusing on what has happened since your last entry. Let images, feelings, and thoughts come spontaneously, without forcing anything. Be with all of this without judgment; in fact, hold sympathy for yourself and acceptance of your life. The Felt Sense

The psychologist Eugene Gendlin coined the term
felt sense
to describe the bodily sensation connected with a particular life issue or problem. The felt sense contains much useful wisdom about a life issue unavailable to the verbal, linear, and rational mind. To get to the felt sense, think of one of the problems or issues in your present life—

relationships, money, career, or whatever—something of importance to you. Keep your awareness of the problem sharp and clear, letting all of your feelings come up. Then focus on the area of your body between your neck and waist. Notice where the sensations related to these feelings are located. Is it primarily in the shoulders? The chest? The stomach? Notice the exact nature of the sensation you experience. To focus on the sensation, ask yourself questions about it. Are the feelings hot or cold? What color would they be if they had a color? What is this sensation like? Prickly, tight—whatever it is, note it carefully. Keep the feelings, thoughts, and sensations vivid. When you begin to write, write
out
of
this felt sense, letting the felt sense itself speak. When the answers are just more cognitive chatter of the sort you normally engage in already, the felt sense stays more or less the same. But when you have allowed something new to happen, when you have let the felt sense itself speak, the physical sensation shifts and changes. Record the answers that come out of this felt sense. There may be many small steps or shifts involved in changing a life problem, so do not be in too much of a hurry. By paying attention to the felt sense, you reach deeper layers of knowing. 09 BIEN.qxd 7/16/03 10:02 AM Page 223

Journaling to Remember

While insufficient in itself for the in-depth healing a journal can bring, journaling to remember is a good place to start. Sometimes you may want to skip this level, but there are times when this level is important. Beverly used this level extensively during some of her travels. She wanted to simply be aware and remember her experiences. It can also be a useful level to get started when you don’t know where to begin. As you record life events, notice what thoughts and emotions are attached to them. Then begin to gently explore these. In fact, if you have difficulty identifying feelings in a particular area of concern, often it helps to begin by noting the concrete, external facts first. By being in touch with these, the feelings flow more easily into awareness. Build a Memory Bridge

Life experiences are connected to prior life experiences with a similar emotional tone. When we suffer grief or loss, these experiences are understood in the light of previous losses, and amplified by them. When something wonderful happens, these experiences are also enhanced or muffled by what has gone on before. You can learn about how your life story filters current experience through the lens of the past by building a memory bridge between significant present events and past events that evoke a strong response. To do this, first notice an event that either is significant in itself or one that evoked a stronger response than you would have expected. Be with these feelings and focus on the felt sense. Then let memories emerge that are connected to the present experience. Note the passive quality in the word
let
. Rather than trying to figure things out, you want to let connections emerge
.
The connection between memories may not always be apparent logically, but they are connected emotionally. Then begin with this earlier memory and holding it clearly in awareness, wait for another memory to emerge, 09 BIEN.qxd 7/16/03 10:02 AM Page 224

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continuing this process until it comes to a natural halt. Then finally, take a look at the whole chain of memories. What does it tell you about the roots of your current issue or difficulty?

Use Stream-of-Consciousness Journaling

Of course, strictly speaking, recording your stream of consciousness is not possible, since you can think many times more quickly than you can write. But the idea is to
let
thoughts and emotions stream on to the paper without trying to control the outcome. It is a process of serendipity, of discovery. Let whatever comes come, even if it seems silly, disconnected, nonsensical, irrational, or disgusting. The intention is to accept rather than judge these inner processes. But since in reality you can’t always force yourself to be accepting—which is a selfcontradiction anyway—simply note any judgments that come up as another thing to observe, be with, and befriend. A simplified example might go something like this:

Feeling a little off today, and I don’t know why . . . Hearing that clock again. I never notice how loud it is until I sit to write. Seemed to have just gotten out of bed this way . . . There were those disturbing dream images, being chased by some kind of animal, a dog or something, intense fear . . . Such a strange feeling, really. Boy, I didn’t know all that was in there. Feelings of judgment. I have trouble liking the parts of me where this came from. What am I doing this for, anyway? I should be getting to work. I have so much to do, there isn’t time . . . Such feelings of pressure

. . . My boss’s face comes to mind, looking angry. Like the time I came to work an hour late last month . . .

Your entries will be more personal than this sample, but it demonstrates the principle of being with whatever comes up, gently exploring it without trying to change it or do anything but
hear yourself,
listening in on your internal process. Once the writing seems to run out of energy, it is helpful to go over the entry, even to read it out loud to yourself if you are alone, and listen lovingly to the flow of your inner life. When we begin to journal regularly, the first things to surface are often things we are uncomfortable with, since that is what most 09 BIEN.qxd 7/16/03 10:02 AM Page 225

Inner Guide Journaling

Emerson wrote, “We are wiser than we know.” There is in each of us an amazing wisdom. The problem is not that this wise voice does not exist. The problem is that it is difficult to hear it over the cacophony of other voices, especially the voices of worry, fear, and gloom. It can help to use imagery to access the wise voice. There are many ways to do this. You might imagine a holy figure such as Jesus, Mary, Krishna, the Buddha, Avalokiteshvara, or any representation of the wise woman or wise man within. Perhaps you will see the emaciated form of a Hindu yogi, wearing a simple dhoti (loincloth). Perhaps you will see a native shaman, or a wise old rabbi with flowing beard and prayer shawl. Be creative. Use whatever images help you to tap your inner wisdom. It isn’t necessary to believe that you are really talking to the Buddha (though you indeed may be more than you realize). The image you use is a way of focusing your attention and finding your own wisdom. Imagine yourself approaching this person with imagery that suggests going deeper into the self to a bright center of your being. Here is an example you can start with to tap into your own existing beliefs and images. If you like, try recording it into a tape recorder and listening to it with your eyes closed.

I see a series of 10 steps going down before me. It is cool and dark, and gets more so with each step. I feel my legs moving, taking each step, feel each foot as it touches the stone . . . 10 . . . 9 . . . 8

. . . deeper into coolness, into peaceful, comforting depth, 7 . . . 6

. . . 5 . . . I see that the old stone steps beneath my feet are worn smooth with centuries of use. Many seekers have come this way

. . . 4 . . . 3 . . . I see before me now a heavy wooden door with a metal handle. The door is arched at the top, and seems ancient and solid . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . The door is right in front of me now. I reach for the handle, feel the cool, strong metal in my hand. I 09 BIEN.qxd 7/16/03 10:02 AM Page 226

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