Finding the Center Within: The Healing Way of Mindfulness Meditation. (31 page)

feel safe in the knowledge that we would not be so foolish under similar circumstances. The filters pleasant/unpleasant and agree/disagree both create distance. If what the other says is pleasant, we may think we can let it in more easily. But often, though we feel more relaxed than with material we judge unpleasant, it has the same effect. We are not creating space for the other. We are so relieved the other is saying something nice, we don’t listen with any depth.

It is risky to remove the filters and listen. We risk being affected, changed, and transformed. We risk feeling sadness or pain. It is not empty words to say listening is a gift. By listening, we risk letting in things we disagree with, which are unpleasant to hold in awareness. We can only allow this to happen if we have enough calmness, mindfulness, and solidity to allow those things a space within ourselves. We can only do this if our mindfulness has given us the confidence that we can let in the other’s words and deal effectively with whatever they elicit in us.

Become an Active Listener

Skillful listening is not just about keeping quiet, however. When we listen skillfully, the other person knows we are present. To listen skillfully, we need to
show
the other person that we are taking in what she says and making room in our hearts. This is not so much a matter of 08 BIEN.qxd 7/16/03 10:00 AM Page 199

Good listeners are active in a certain way. For example, a good listener may nod her head a lot and make a lot of listening sounds, such as

“Uh-huh” and “Um-hm.” When I first saw a video of myself doing therapy during my training, I was embarrassed to see how much I nodded my head. On camera, it looked overblown, exaggerated—not at all like the cool, suave therapists in the movies. But I could tell by watching the reactions of the client that it was not overblown from his perspective. In fact, it created a sense of safety, a feeling that I was present and interested.

Good listeners also do what the psychologist Carl Rogers called

“checking his understanding”—sometimes called “reflective listening.”

While other writers think of this in terms of therapeutic effects and intentions, Rogers thought of it as just checking whether he was receiving the message the client was trying to send. This can be accomplished by statements beginning with stems like:

“Let me see if I understand . . .”

“The way you see it . . .”

“Let me see if I can summarize what you’ve been saying . . .”

“What I’m getting is . . .”

“You . . .”

The exact words are unimportant: The attitude is supremely important. It is also not so important whether or not you get it right. If the speaker responds, “No, that’s not what I mean at all. What I mean is

. . . ,” that’s good! Even getting it wrong has helped the other person be clear. And your willingness to be corrected shows how much you want to understand.

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Reflect before Dispensing Advice

A skilled listener is slow to give advice. This cannot be a hard and fast rule. But in general, advice giving is a different interactional stance from the effort to understand. When we give advice, we communicate that our own ideas are more valuable than those of the person we are trying to listen to. Listening involves a trust in the inner wisdom or ultimate Buddha nature of the one speaking and his ability to find his way. There is a further reason to be cautious about advice: It often has the opposite effect from what is intended. For example, if we are listening to someone who is sad, and we offer some well-meaning palliative, such as “Don’t blow things out of proportion,” there’s a chance the person will feel that you just don’t understand. Now she not only feels sad but also misunderstood and even more alienated and alone. She may try to convince you it really
is
that bad and come to feel even worse as she rehearses all her negative thoughts and feelings, perhaps even exaggerating them so you will see that she is entitled to feel upset. Sometimes people need listening because they are confronting a major choice. If someone must choose between going in life direction A or life direction B, human nature is such that the person may pull all the more strongly for A as soon as we argue for B. This is not contrariness or pathology, it is thoroughly and completely human. When we feel torn or ambivalent about an issue and someone else pulls for one side, we naturally feel a pull to represent the other side. So what happens when we tell our friend she should leave her miserable, unhappy relationship? She of course begins to tell us all the wonderful reasons why she should stay in it.

If you understand this polar nature of conversation, you may be tempted to use it in a manipulative way. You might, for example, tell your friend to stay in her relationship as a clever way of getting her to actually leave it. Sometimes this may work. But it is very risky. For one thing, people seem to sense our real attitude despite what we say, and they respond to this rather than to our words. More important, this approach is not listening, but a manipulative form of advice giving. All of this may sound intimidating at first, but with practice it can become second nature. Listening is a high art. No matter how good you are at it, you can always improve. Just do your best. Even professional listeners struggle with this, sometimes not being able to keep ourselves from throwing in unwanted and unrequested advice or the “brilliant”

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The point is not to eliminate all advice. Advice can help sometimes. But most of us need to rebalance in the direction of listening more. And then when we do advise, it will be more likely to be on target, and more likely to be received as well.

Cultivate Loving Speech

As important as listening is, skillful speech is equally important. Right speech is important enough that the Buddha assigned it its own place in the eightfold path. In
The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching,
Thich Nhat Hanh expresses this teaching this way:

Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful speech and the inability to listen to others, I am committed to cultivating loving speech and deep listening in order to bring joy and happiness to others and relieve others of their suffering. Knowing that words can create happiness or suffering, I am determined to speak truthfully, with words that inspire self-confidence, joy, and hope. I will not 08 BIEN.qxd 7/16/03 10:00 AM Page 202

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spread news that I do not know to be certain and will not criticize or condemn things of which I am not sure. I will refrain from uttering words that can cause division or discord, or that can cause the family or the community to break. I am determined to make all efforts to reconcile and resolve all conflicts, however small. Notice that in the Buddhist understanding, listening is already part of right speech. Speaking and listening are sides of the same coin. Above all, right speech is loving speech. Its aim is to relieve suffering and create happiness. And if it is also to be rooted in truth, it is still more important that it be loving. There may of course be times when we have to speak words that will, in the short run, cause some pain, when we must be cruel to be kind. But this is a dangerous area. For one thing, when we get self-righteous about speaking the truth, we may often be rationalizing an intention to hurt, using our “truth” as a sledgehammer—an instrument of our anger. And for another, the

“truth” we speak is our own, partial and relative. With mindfulness, you can discriminate between when you are telling a painful but needed truth, and when anger is at work.

Develop Skillful Speech

Psychology also has a valuable contribution to make regarding skillful speech. The following suggestions are ones I use regularly in my clinical practice. Some are obvious, some are subtle. Some I gleaned from research and other professional literature, some are part of therapeutic lore, and one or two are my own contribution.

1.
If you think you should discuss something with someone, you probably
should.
While it is possible to do too much processing, for many of us, the temptation is more to avoid things that may be difficult to bring up. If you feel this issue may be effectively resolved with some discussion, then consider initiating one. Some very important questions remain, however, such as
how
and
when
. It is important to bring up difficult subjects skillfully, calmly, and at an appropriate time. It is generally not advisable to bring up a difficult discussion when someone is heading out the door to work or first thing when he or she arrives back home, tired at the end of a long day. But remember that no matter how hon-08 BIEN.qxd 7/16/03 10:00 AM Page 203

2.
Talk about how you feel.
First, talk about how
you
feel. Avoid mind reading your partner’s unexpressed feelings or making assumptions about them. Second, talk about how you
feel
. Discuss your feelings rather than your judgments or your psychological analysis of the other person. “I felt hurt and angry when you shut the door so hard” is much better than “I felt you were being rude when you slammed the door in my face.” Notice that the latter is a disguised judgment. Even if you say the words “I feel” at the beginning of a sentence, you may not be talking about your feelings. “Rude” is a judgment and so is “slammed the door in my face.” When you discuss how you feel, you invite the other person to try to understand. When you judge, you invite defensiveness and argument. In this case, an argument could well ensue about what is and is not rude, or whether the way the door was shut constituted slamming. And of course no one wants to feel psychoanalyzed by a friend or partner. “I feel you’re being defensive” or “I think you have a problem with your mother” are questionable in a therapy context. They are sparks on gasoline in personal relationships.

This rule is usually invoked regarding negative feelings. And that makes some sense, since those feelings are the more difficult ones. However, it helps to give
at least
equal opportunity to positive feelings as well. “I felt loved when you made my favorite meal for me.”

Of course, before you can talk clearly about how you feel, there is a prior step. You must be able to know and respect your own feelings. You must be mindful of them and care for them. In this way, mindfulness with your own thoughts and feelings is the basis for skillful interaction. 3.
Take responsibility for your feelings.
“I felt angry when you closed the door so hard” is better than “
You made me
feel angry . . .” The second implies that you are helpless to take care of your own feelings and that the other person bears total responsibility for them. This is a subtle distinction, perhaps, but a useful one. 4.
Avoid labeling and name calling.
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problem is more sophisticated than calling someone a jerk, but it is the same thing at heart. Calling someone defensive, even if it’s true, seldom contributes to a climate of openness.

5.
Beware of
always
and
never
.
First of all, these words are generally incorrect. One disconfirmatory instance makes the lie of them. If you say, “You
never
take the garbage out,” your statement is not only provocative, but also untrue if only
one time
the other person took the garbage out.
Always
and
never
put the other person in a box. In this sense, they function a little like name calling.

When you find these words on the tip of your tongue, look for the feeling behind it and try to express it directly (guideline 2). Try: “I’m feeling frustrated with how we share household responsibilities.” (Also see guideline 6.)

6.
Ask for what you want
(rather than complaining about what you don’t want). Sometimes idealistic people are surprised by the notion that we have to ask for behavior change from people we love. There’s a feeling that we should love people just the way they are. You may love them, but asking for change is a practical necessity. The only question is whether we do this skillfully or not. Compare the following:

“You never bring me flowers. What’s the matter? Don’t you love me anymore?”

and

“Darling, it makes me so happy when you bring me flowers. It would feel wonderful to me if you did that a little more often.”

It is not hard to see which is more skillful. In the second example, the person being addressed is invited to change in a way that allows him to do so without feeling like he is giving in or losing. 7.
Avoid gunny sacking.
Gunny sacking is a hunting term. It refers to pulling ammunition out of a sack on your shoulder. In dialogue, this means bringing up past issues whenever you talk about a current one. Gunny sacking is a way to ensure that nothing changes. Nothing can be resolved if every minor discussion snowballs into an argument about past mistakes.

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