Finding Orion (22 page)

"Holy
shit, you saved that?" He laughed. "Why?"

I accepted
the phone when he handed it back to me.
"Research."

"Uh
huh.
I don’t believe it. Proof’s more like it."

"Not
really. I actually thought you were joking to be honest."

"At the
time, I kind of was. Man, it didn’t even enter my mind." Then, turning to
me, he asked, "So, I told you mine. What about your ex?"

"My
most recent one?"
I smiled when he raised an eyebrow. "Anything
I've had recently
were
one nighters. I haven't had a
serious relationship in over a year."

"So what
happened?"

I grimaced. "This
is going to sound horrible—he was asexual. Alone, it would've been fine, but he
was also very jealous. Not just of other men, either. Anytime I tried to take
care of myself and remove my sexual frustrations, he'd get upset.
Aggressive even.
I kept telling myself I could live without
sex, but not being able to release that energy without him throwing a tantrum
was too much. Otherwise he was a pretty nice guy."

Jace
frowned. "So
he didn't even do things to please you?
Nothing at all?"

"And I
didn't expect him to. We learned early on that he wasn't in to sex. The
problems didn't come until months later when we moved in together and he caught
me with a vibrator. So after we split, I moved back in here. It was the only
thing I could afford and he kept his place for himself." I shook my head. "He
was controlling in the worst kind of way. There was no praise for not giving in
to my needs. It was just something he expected of me."

"Doesn't
sound like a healthy
relationship.
"

"It
really wasn't. He was kind and gentle when it came to everything else, but that
was one thing we couldn't see eye to eye about. I understand his disgust or
lacking interest in sex, but I never did get why he was so against me having
that kind of pleasure in the first place."

"Control,
probably." He looked as if he was going to say something else, but the
subject slowly dropped.
  

He's probably wondering why you'd want someone
to control you now or why you haven't been with someone since.
It was
simple. No one could fit the role I needed them for. The guys I got stuck with
for a single night were more interested in the sex rather than everything
leading up to it. And while some of them may have been more aggressive than
others, any mention of cuffs or floggers resulted in looks of disgust.

Setting the
phone on the coffee table, I leaned back to stare at the ceiling. The air
between us was clear, but instead of it making me feel more at ease and
confirming my suspicions, it only made me feel even worse. If he was trying to
avoid his old life, that meant I was a trigger.
A reminder.

I winced at
that and was glad when
Jace
didn’t notice. Maybe all
we needed was a fresh start. We were only one week in after all.
You’ll just end up in the same spot less
than a week from now.
It was true. I knew he was a Dom. It wasn’t just a
guess anymore. And he knew I was submissive—something I couldn’t just turn off
on a whim.

Starting over
wasn’t the answer. It might’ve delayed things, but in the end, we would’ve had
this same conversation.
"So what now?"
I
asked without looking at him.

Jace
shifted and
turned to face me, resting his head on the back of the couch. "How do you
mean?"

"With
us.
I mean, we both kind of know what the other is. Do we keep going like nothing’s
happened? Start at square one?"

"Neither."
He smoothed back my hair. "It wouldn’t be right of me to expect you to
suppress your submissive side, just as it wouldn’t be right for you to demand I
not be a Dom. It’s a part of who we are, and eventually, it’s going to come
out."

"Then
what do you suggest we do?"

"We ride
it out, see what happens. I’d really like to give what we have a chance. Just don’t
get offended if I’m not into doing more than tying you up from time to time."

I chewed at
my bottom lip. "I had a thought."

"I’m
listening."

"You
said this ex…she abused safe words, right?"

"Right…"

"Would
it help if we just practiced them?"

"
Bree
, it doesn’t really work that way. They’re meant for
the same reason they were created—to keep a sub safe. But that also means only
using them as needed."

"No, I
know that. I was just trying to think of a way we could help you—"

"Before
you finish that thought, let me say this. If what you were going to say
involves the words ‘get over it’ then I don’t want to hear them. This isn’t
something I can bounce back from. It’s going to take time."

There was that
tightness in his voice again. I shrunk against the couch and lowered my gaze.
What else could I say? Did I want him to get past this? Sure, but not at the
expense of whatever relationship we had.

Patience.
Besides, he didn’t say we couldn’t do
anything. We were just limited to bondage.
Things
he’s already done.
Maybe it was better this way. Outside of the erotica and
articles I’d read, I was new to the lifestyle. And if I had to wade into the
kiddie pool while
Jace
remembered how to be a
lifeguard, I would.

"Take
all the time you need," I said, ignoring the tension in my chest. "I’m
not going anywhere."

Jace
looked at me
then, and I couldn’t tell if he was smiling or was having some kind of twitch. "Oh,
but you are." With that, he scooped me up from the couch and carried me
back to the bedroom. I glanced back behind us, but the apartment door remained
shut. And by now, David probably knew better than to just walk in.

Dom or not, I
still had
Jace
. I still had Orion. And nothing could
ever change that.

Chapter Fifteen

The ferry
ride over toward
Seattle
was just as long and tedious as I remembered. After helping the guys load the
van with Derek’s drums, the guitars, and
Jace’s
piano, we all piled in and drove onto the ferry. And after sitting crammed in the
back seat, I got out
to stretch
my legs.

Jace
joined me
along one of the railings as we watched the water not far below.

"You
nervous?"
I asked, closing my eyes when the wind tried to
blow a few stray hairs in my face.

"Maybe a
little,"
Jace
replied
,
his
attention fixed on a seagull as it bobbed up and down in the waves. "It’s
odd. You wait for something like this and when it finally happens, you just
want to get it over with."

"You say
that now, but I’m sure as soon as you get into the studio, I won’t be able to
get you to leave."

"Then
you’ll have a lot of fun trying to get all of us out of those
iso
rooms."

"
Iso
?"

"Isolation."
He squinted
from the sunlight. "What, you didn’t expect us all to play in the same
room, did you?"

"Actually,
I kind of did. You figure you do it all the time during practice."

"
Ahh
, but studio work is something else entirely. We’ll be
in different rooms, possibly around the recording area. We’ll only hear
ourselves, so we’ll be getting prompts either from the person working with the
recording software or from some other program they have inside."

"What
happens if one of you starts later than everyone else?"

"It gets
taken care of after everything’s recorded. I know it sounds confusing now, but
you’ll see what I mean once we get there."

"
If
we get there," Derek mumbled as
he came up behind us. "Man, I hate ferries!"

"Sounds
like you’ve spent a lot of time on them," I said, turning around to face
him.

"Family
mostly.
I moved out of the city as soon as I could. And when Amy told me about
Jace’s
band, I came with her. Been on the other side ever
since."

"You say
that as if it’s a bad thing."

"With
Jace
, you never can tell." He flashed
Jace
a toothy grin,
then
said, "We
should be arriving soon. You might want to get back to the car."

I watched him
go and leaned in to
Jace
when he wrapped an arm
around my waist.
"Still only a little nervous?"

"More
like a lot."

"Want me
to stay outside?"

"Hell
no.
You have any idea how long these things take?" He shook his head. "No,
you’ll be inside with us. Just umm…don’t stare when I sing, okay? I don’t need another
reason to be self-conscious."

I snorted.
"
Jace
?
Self-conscious?"

"I’ll
have you know, the musician
Jace
is nothing like the
D—" His mouth snapped shut and his smile was gone.

Not now.
Don’t have a nervous
break now. I glanced up at him, noting his fixed jaw. He tried to swallow, but
for some reason, he couldn’t get whatever it was down.

I ducked into
the van, and he filed in behind me. Derek was sitting in the driver’s seat and looked
back at us. I shook my head, and he didn’t ask. Amy was sitting on the other
side of him and glanced behind him so she was only looking at me. I passed her
a reassuring smile, and she too left the subject go.

Meanwhile,
Kyle was almost
oblivious,
tapping his fingers on the
dashboard as Derek slowly drove off the ferry. Truthfully, they were all
knotted with nerves. Derek drummed on the steering wheel, possibly going over
his part in whatever song it was they were recording today.

Amy pulled at
her hair, removing the split ends, which she quickly dropped over the back of
the seat. Kyle’s fingers kept strumming the dash, and
Jace
stared at the clock.

No one spoke.
Not even the radio played. So as soon as we got off the ferry and away from the
other commuters, it was just the five of us with our individual thoughts.

Staring at
Jace
, I tried to read his mind. I wanted to say I knew what
was bothering him, but it could’ve been anything. He’d been fine this morning,
even after our talk yesterday about his ex and about my being a possible sub. And
even though we skirted the subject on the ferry, I had a feeling that wasn’t
what was troubling him now.

In less than twenty
minutes, we’d arrive at the studio, and then it was game over. The nerves
inside the van were beginning to unravel—one tiny strand at a time. Amy’s
search for split ends became even more desperate when Derek pulled onto

I took a deep
breath and held it for all of us. I set my hands in my lap and didn’t move
after that.

I listened to
the van as Derek shifted gears, to the sound of a turn signal going on and off
as we turned down a side street.
Jace’s
tapping
stopped, and his jaw almost fell to the floor when Derek turned off the
ignition.

I checked out
the window, and with wide eyes, I glanced back at
Jace
.
"You didn’t tell me you were recording at Robert Lang Studios."

"Hey,"
Kyle said, seeming surprised.
"A woman who knows her
stuff."

"How…how
did you guys get in?" I half stumbled out of the van with Kyle’s help,
watching them as they carefully removed their equipment from the back. "This
place is famous.
My dad went on and on about it and how he
would’ve
loved to come here just for a tour."

I was still
staring at them after Derek locked the van.

"Connections,"
Derek said before walking past me into the studio.

I mouthed the
word to Amy, who only shook her head and smiled. Whatever it was that got them
in there, it was a trade secret.

Jace
stretched
out his back, rolled his shoulders,
then
filed in
behind Kyle. I was the last one into the studio, completely taken aback by the
atmosphere.