FIND YOUR HAPPY: An Inspirational Guide to Loving Life to Its Fullest (16 page)

Awesome
Opportunity:

1. Think of a challenging relationship and write that person’s name down.

2. Ask yourself what is it that is making this relationship so difficult?

3. Ask yourself what am I doing to contribute to this difficult situation?

4. How can I change my mind, mood or response to the situation to be more accountable?

5. Forgive the other person and forgive yourself.

You See Your Reflection in Others

Mothers have a special way of giving us some of the best advice. Whenever a challenging person came into my life, my mother would always tell me, “What you see in others is what you have in yourself.” In other words, if you don’t like something in another person, most likely you have the same quality in yourself, other people reflect what we think, feel, and do. It used to bug me when she said this, because on some grand level I knew she was right.

I had a friend in 3
rd
grade who was really mean and always judging other people. I used to tell her to be nice to them, and she would just turn into an angry monster. I never understood how she could be so cruel. It hurt me to see her bully other kids but then my mom told me that she was just reflecting me. I would argue that I was not mean to people. I was the one who offers free hugs. I didn’t get it. At school one of the class clowns walked by and mooed at me while I ate my lunch. I immediately felt like a slob. I looked down at my belly and thought, “You are such a roly poly, no wonder you don’t have any friends, you are a chub a lub.” The realization that I was just like my so-called friend knocked me over. She may have been lashing out and making fun of other people, but this was my internal dialog every day. I was being unkind to myself. I was yelling, sabotaging, and saying hurtful things to myself. Obviously, I was just like her, only the person I hurt wasn’t others, it was myself.

I quickly recognized that what we see in other people is a reflection of ourselves, and, by the same token, what you think becomes your reality. So if we are thinking mean, unkind thoughts, then the world will respond in mean, unkind ways. If I was constantly belittling myself and saying such hateful things, then my body began to respond to those thoughts. I would gain more weight, and children would make more fun of me for being the fat kid. Finding kind words to say to myself in a world of bullies was difficult at age nine, but I tried to cope. Rather than lashing out with more mean words, I would lash out with kindness. When we are kind junkies, sticks and stones will never break our bones, and names do not even hurt us because when you practice being kind, the world is less dramatic, less scary and a less threatening place. I recognize now that when people make fun of others, or say something mean to me, I am the one who has the power to give it meaning.

We have already learned that it is never about us. If someone says something that seems offensive, I pause to recognize how I am feeling and then I repeat the thought and ask, “Why did you say this?” Most of the time, the remark was never meant to hurt me directly, but was related to the speaker’s own concerns. It is usually something they were thinking about themselves, but because it was on my mind, too, they said something reflecting my inner thoughts, and gave me yet another opportunity to choose love.

Kill Them with Kindness

The adage, “Kill them with kindness,” is no fluff. It is a tangible way of improving life. When you choose kind, loving words and thoughts, your actions become kind. People want more compassion in their lives. Every situation is an opportunity to choose love over fear. Kindness will always win over fear. When you practice kindness, you become the rock and stable guide for all of your friends and family. When you choose kind thoughts, others gravitate to you because you glow. I am not talking about kindness routed in manipulation, but rather genuine love and compassion for others. This kindness is untouchable; this kind way of life is a source of true power.

When others say hurtful, derogatory things towards you or another, do not respond in the same manner; simply smile and speak to the positive of the situation. Smile that you know in your heart you are full of love. Because I am a kind junkie I tend to attract people who are negative and mean. In work situations, especially, I have been the target of others picking on me and trying to bring me down. No matter what job I had, it seemed a group of people at work has formed together and in some way “bullied” me. I continued to smile and not take in their unkind words. I would stay positive and see the glass half full. Sure it sucked that they were mean and really rude to me, but it is not about me. I recognize that these people had situations going on in their own lives that they were not happy about. Because I am a happy person, they lashed out on this. Time and time again it has happened but I continue to be true to myself and smile through the adversity.

People have called me “Rainbow Bright,” or “Too damn happy,” They often mean these names as a compliment, but when they say it, the words are filled with disdain. As far as I see it, there are far worse things to be called than, “Miss Sunshine.” You may experience this when you practice the kind lifestyle. People may start to lash out and reject your happiness. The best thing you can do is to continue to be true to yourself. If people you think are your friends get upset when you become happy, then they probably aren’t really your true friends. Furthermore, they most likely weren’t going to be in your life much longer, so embrace the kind life and love everyone, and everything to the fullest. This includes being kind in the face of negativity. Be kind with your thoughts. Be kind in your actions and what you put out into the world.

Have you ever noticed how smiles are contagious? When you see someone smile, often you can’t help but smile back, and then all of a sudden you are smiling at a complete stranger. Then they smile at someone new. All of a sudden the whole place is smiling. Smiling more is one simple way to live the kind life. Becoming a kind junkie is simple. Just choose love, practice kindness and compassion for yourself and others, including animals and the planet. We can’t possibly be kind to people and treat animals and nature in a harmful way. Do no harm is the final aspect of living a kind life. This translates into many forms, but basically you choose to disengage from all harmful activities.

This means no more road rage, no more news and television shows filled with celebrity gossip or negative fighting. No more wars (wars are not kind), no more arguing your point is right and everyone else is wrong, no more attacking, judging, or separating yourself from others. No more eating animals that were harmed to go on your plate. The kind junkie lifestyle is a harm-free zone. Embrace it and love your life to the fullest. The kind life is an ultimate goal; if there are some things that work for you and others that do not, then pick what does work for you. I am not advising everyone go out to become tree hugging, vegan peacemakers. I am simply saying to be aware of your thoughts, actions and life, and choose kindness wherever it fits. Being kind will set you free.

The truth is that being kind and compassionate will help tear down barriers between people. Being kind can end wars and stop starvation. Being a kind junkie can change the world. With any kind act, whether we donate money to a charity, start a fundraiser, smile at a stranger or help a blind person cross the street, the intention of doing something nice for another person helps the world. When you do something that is nice and it impacts your family, friends, your community, the environment or world in a positive way, it makes a real difference. The more you practice doing nice things, the better and easier it becomes. When we practice kindness, we train our brains to learn what to think about when we are being nice. When others do nice things for us or when we do something kind for another person it releases endorphins, the chemicals that give off feelings of high spirits, similar to the runners’ high experienced by marathon runners. Doing something nice for someone else gives the brain a boost of serotonin, the chemical that gives us the feeling of satisfaction and well being, so why wouldn’t we want to do more kind things?

It may seem hard to become a kind junkie in a world of so much negativity. Gandhi said it best, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” By starting with yourself, choosing love over fear, and embracing the kind life, you will be inspiring others to do the same. Becoming a kind junkie is one of the most efficient ways to love your life to the fullest.

In
a
Nutshell:

1. When you remove yourself from all negative things that no longer serve you, you invite good things in.

2. Make me-time. Do mini mantras in the morning for five minutes and in the evening for five minutes.

3. Setting a daily intention will help you reach your goals.

4. Blaming other people for your problems won’t solve yours. Be accountable.

5. Other people are a reflection of you.

6. Choose kindness and have an open mind, because it leads to open doors.

Additional Resources:

Audio Meditation:
Find
Your
Happy:
Motivational
Mantras,
Track 10, “Listen to Your Body” (available on iTunes,
amazon.com
, and
playwiththeworld.com
shop).

Chapte
r
ELEVEN

Liv
e
th
e
No-Regret
s
Lifestyle

“A
man
is
not
old
until
regrets
take
the
place
of
his
dreams.”
— Proverb

If It’s Good, It’s Great. If It’s
Bad, It’s Experience.

V
ictoria Holt’s famously said, “Never regret. If it’s good, it’s wonderful. If it’s bad, it’s experience.” Many people walk around holding onto feelings of anguish, worry, and doubt. These feelings are byproducts of the ever-charged regret. Regret comes from many sources, whether it is a situation that you wish did not happen or something you wish you would have said or done, or even a relationship that you wish you could wipe out of your mind. Regret is a byproduct of fear and remorse and it doesn’t belong in the
Play
with
the
World
lifestyle. When you choose to be present in your life, focusing on the moment and creating your dreams, regret does not exist because regret is really only experience. Not all of life’s experiences can be good. When they are good, they are great, and it makes sense to enjoy every moment of the highs, but when things happen that we are not comfortable with or wish would have turned out another way, rather than feeling regret, take the opportunity to learn from them. All experiences are lessons; whether they are good or bad, lessons make us grow and teach us more about the world, others and ourselves. Why would regret have any place in a world of wonder? Your regrets can fall away by thinking about the situation and digging into the heart of it. Let’s try it out.

Awesome
Opportunity

1. Write down something that you regret in your life.

2. Why do you regret it?

3. Ask yourself what it is about that experience that made it difficult for you to accept it.

4. If things happened the way you wish they had, then how would your life be different?

5. What lesson is there in considering why it didn’t happen the way you hoped? What can you learn from this situation?

The thing about regret is it keeps us in a static state. It’s a backward-looking, unpleasant feeling. You blame yourself, and wish you could undo the past. Regrets love to make us feel bad. Think about regret as a big bad monster that is trying to manipulate our lives. It wants us to feel bad for things we can’t undo because it keeps us living in the past. To break free from this we just need to recognize that regret = opportunity to learn. Learning is exciting and it helps us grow. So all situations in life turn into lessons. It is up to us to choose whether we perceive a situation with love or fear.

Yes, everything comes back to love and fear. Todd B. Kashdan wrote an article for
Psychology
Today
called “The Problem With Happiness,” about why people are afraid of having regrets. He talks about the fact that we rarely find regret in young children. A seven-year-old makes a comparison about what happened and what might have been and then they move on. They don’t dwell on what could have been until they grow older.

In order to feel regret, we have to recognize the consequences of what we did or didn’t do. We look inside ourselves to reflect and discover if our actions were a poor choice, or if our mind is creating a situation that is more painful than reality.

For example, I live my life with no regrets. I choose to perceive every situation with an open mind and heart and if something happens that I wish hadn’t, rather than referring to regret I see the lesson in the situation. It wasn’t always this way. I used to regret many things.

One of my biggest regrets was when I went on a study abroad program to Europe when I was 19. The study abroad was on a ship, called
Semester
at
Sea.
When the boat docked in Belgium, the principal of the school program threatened that any student who went to Amsterdam would be drug tested and kicked out of the program. Well, all I heard was “kicked out of program,” and that was enough for me to steer clear of exploring another country. All of my friends went and I stayed behind in Belgium by myself. It was fine, but when they got back and shared stories of things they saw, heard, tasted, and experienced, I immediately regretted not going because I felt like I missed out. I learned that I listened to authority out of fear of the possibility of getting kicked out.