Fight or Flight (10 page)

The drawstring pants were probably meant to come to his knees, but they covered most of her legs. The top was short sleeved. She hesitated. He’d see the scars on her arms.
He’s seen them before
, she reminded herself.
But not like this, not up close, not in the context of lovemaking
. She shook her head, frozen in indecision.

With a deep breath, she pulled the short-sleeved top over her head. The sleeves hung to her elbows, the hem to her knees. Zeke was a big man, though perhaps she hadn’t realized how big until she put on his clothing. She tied the bottom of the shirt around her waist. She glared at the rough lines of scars around her lower arms, but there was nothing to be done about those. Picking up the hairbrush, she palmed open the door to the washroom.

“Zeke?” She willed the nerves out of her voice.

“In here, pixie,” he called from the kitchenette. She followed the sound of his voice, found him by the generator. “Do you prefer red or white wine?”

He smiled at her, meeting her eyes, not looking at the arms she clasped behind her back.

“Either is okay with me.” She smiled.

“Red, then. Why don’t you go relax, I’ll be right out.”

She settled on the chaise in his sitting room, putting her feet up. She brushed out her hair, working through the tangles from the ends up.

“Let me,” Zeke said as he entered the room. He set two glasses of wine on the table, and sat next to her on the chaise. “Here.” He took the brush from her hand and took over the task of brushing out her long tresses.

“You have beautiful hair,” he murmured, languidly pulling the brush through its length. “I used to do this for…” His voice trailed off. She thought about asking him to continue, but she was caught in the sensual caress, and she didn’t want his past intruding.

She sighed as the touch of his fingers in her hair relaxed her. Occasionally, he’d caress the side of her face, the back of her neck, her forehead, his big hands gentle in tender ministration. Each muscle in her neck relaxed as she leaned back against his shoulder.

Zeke placed the brush on the table when he finished.

“Now, let’s talk about these.” He traced a finger over the thick ridge of scar tissue around her wrist. “He shackled you, and you think that is a fault in you?”

Tirzah closed her eyes against the tears that welled up.

“Pixie, he can’t hurt you anymore. And I’m not him.”

“I know,” she whispered, turning to stroke his handsome face. “I know.” She took another deep, calming breath, using the post-trauma meditation skills the psychologists had taught her. “I’m confused by what my body is telling me, by the things I want to do with you.”

“Okay. We’ll work through that together. What do you want from me?”

*

Zeke looked at the beautiful woman seated beside him on the chaise, her red hair curling around her face as it dried. Her eyes were wide and solemn, her voice calm.

“I can’t make any promises, Zeke. No strings. I want to have sex with you.”

Her straightforward announcement launched a tumult of lust in him, urging him to push her back to the chaise and just take her, but that wasn’t what she needed.

“I want to know you, pixie, as a friend, as a lover. If we’re going to have any kind of relationship—even if it’s just an uncomplicated no-strings affair—I need to know more of you than just your body.”

“Okay, but we should start here.” She pulled off her shirt and stared into his eyes defiantly.

He stopped breathing for a moment.

She was as beautiful as he imagined. Strong and muscular, but with high, gently-curved breasts topped with rosy pink nipples that just dared him to lean in and take a bite. He swallowed, and then forced himself to look at the scars. The ones on her wrists he had seen. The band of tissue around her shoulder he hadn’t. That was a surgery scar, from repairing the broken arm. The lines of ridged tissue from staples were neat and regular.

Her stomach was crisscrossed with thin scars. He traced one with a finger. “What did this?” he asked.

“His belt. It didn’t matter to him I wasn’t into that kind of kink. He was, and he did what he wanted.” The words came out in a flat, unfeeling monotone, but he could see the storm clouds gathering behind her eyes.

Zeke traced the long scar along her lower belly. “And this?”

“The baby, the C-section.”

Her eyes closed and she shuddered. When she opened them, the tears flowed down her face.

“That was the hardest part of those first months after the crash. Josiah sat by my bed every day and nursed me back to health. But the baby was gone. I didn’t labor. I didn’t hold him. I never even saw him.” A deep shuddering breath racked her.

“You blame yourself.” It was not a question.

“I failed him, Zeke. All he needed from me was the shelter of my body.”

“Is that why you want to get your fight command back? Because you don’t trust yourself to be anything more than a fighter?”

“This is the only thing he took from me I can take back.” She met his eyes. “You understand, don’t you? I need to take my fight command back. I need to prove Walter didn’t take everything. He took my body, he took years from my life, he took my baby boy. But he can’t take the part of me that serves my people and protects them.”

“Pixie.” Zeke stroked her hair. “He certainly didn’t take that from you. Anyone can see how much you care for your crew, your people. You don’t need to fly a fighter to protect your own.”

“Don’t you see though, Zeke? I wanted to be a fighter pilot my entire life. I graduated top of my class. I flew complex, dangerous missions, and I thrived. I was born to fly.”

“Then you will.” He enfolded her in his arms. He held her tight to his chest, cradling her like a baby. When the first sob racked her body, he was prepared. The storm worked its way through her as she grieved for all she had lost. She shuddered and cried and pushed against his chest with her fists, and he just held her, crooning and shushing, rocking her and sweeping her now-dry hair out of her eyes. He wiped her nose with his shirt and whispered how strong and brave, how beautiful she was. How perfect. When she finally fell asleep in his arms, he carried her to his bed and tucked her in like a child.

He stood for a moment staring at the way she looked at home in his bed, her hair spread out across the pillow, her petite body wrapped in his sheets.

Weeks, if not days. That’s all he would have with her. With a pang of regret he couldn’t have more, he tucked himself into bed beside her, cradling her in his arms. If this were all he could have, he would hold her in his arms as often as he could until she left.

He had no doubt that this time, she would be the one to leave.

Chapter 18

Tirzah woke feeling more rested than she had in years, still naked from the waist up and spooned against Zeke’s hard-muscled body. His arm was curled over her waist, his hand holding her own. She looked at his smooth, dark skin and smiled. She turned in his arms so she could look at his face. He looked intense even in sleep, as if his dreams were a test he had to pass, but everything about him was beautiful.

Unable to help herself, she traced a finger down the line of his nose, and then over his full lips to his chin. With his bare chest pressed to her own, her nipples hardened against him. His eyes fluttered open and met hers.

“Good morning, pixie,” he whispered, a hint of a smile on his lips.

“Good morning.” She leaned in to kiss him. She pressed her lips to his softly, the lightest of touches. His arm tightened around her waist, tugging her close as his mouth opened hungrily against her own. His tongue stroked firmly on hers, stirring a fervor she thought was lost forever. She felt noises coming from her throat, shocking herself at the depth of her need; still she pressed herself closer, rocking her pelvis against his erection. Heat and hunger escalated inside her, driving her to bite against his lip and then suck it into her mouth.

“Tirzah.” He growled her name, tugging on her hair. Her head fell back and she met his eyes again.

“I need to know this is what you want, pixie. I don’t ever want to hurt you.”

She nodded, pressing a kiss to his throat. “Oh God, Zeke, I want you so much I can hardly breathe.”

“I haven’t been with anyone since Elinor died. Do we need anything … to prevent pregnancy?” He stroked a hand down the side of her face, tilting it to meet his eyes. She blushed—as military officers, they both would have had regular physical exams, blood work. Since both had been celibate for so long, disease wasn’t a concern. But still he was protecting
her.

“At the hospital, I had an implant put in that prevents ovulation. I didn’t want to get pregnant again unless it was my choice.”

He kissed her then, bringing back that languid, lush heat, that flush of desire. She reached for him, but he pushed her hands away.

“Oh, pixie, let me make it good for you. Let me love you the way you were meant to be loved.” He kissed her forehead, skimming his hands down her body. She nodded hesitantly, letting his hands push her pants down and away.

“So beautiful.” He sighed, looking at her fully naked for the first time. She folded her hands over herself, but he pushed them away. “No, lover, let me see you. I’ve waited so long to see you like this.” He pressed a kiss to one of the scars crisscrossing her skin. Then another. He kissed the thick bands of scar tissue on each wrist. He cupped his hand over the stretch marks on her bare belly, the belly that had grown a child she would never hold. Finally, he leaned over and took one rose nipple into his mouth. She arched up, grabbing his head with her hands and crying out.

“Oh please, Zeke…” As he suckled her breast, pleasure unfurled in her body, heated and out of control. She moaned his name over and over as he switched to her other breast, giving it the same tender devotion. She had never realized before how sensitive her nipples were, how her body would respond to his touch: achy, needy, wanting. Her hips moved in frantic circles as she got closer to him. He slid one large hand from her breast all the way to her knee, and then back up. When he drew one finger through her heated slit, she shuddered at the intimacy, opening her legs. Pulling away from her breast, he looked in her eyes, seeming to ask if she was okay with this new development, this next step. She nodded, drawing a ragged breath, and he moved down her body, pressing a kiss to her belly before spreading her legs wide. He stared at her pink flesh, and she grew wetter under his attentive stare.

“I don’t believe I’ve ever seen anything more beautiful than you,” he whispered. She protested, but then he pressed a kiss to her heated core and all thought left her head. His tongue made magic, caressing each fold and ridge of her flesh with equal fervor, circling and teasing, and then flat and hard, touching her everywhere but where she needed him most.

Oh finally, finally he sucked her clit into his mouth, and she cried out his name. He pushed a gentle finger inside her, testing her readiness. She was more than ready, didn’t think she’d ever been so ready. She wasn’t sure what she needed when she groaned a harsh “please,” but he was.

Curling his finger upward to stroke at her as he suckled and nibbled and licked at her clit, he built the tension coiling in her. She bucked her hips against his face and fisted her hands in the sheets as she shuddered and cried out her release. He rode out the waves of pleasure that racked her as she came, and she could feel him smiling against her.

As she relaxed, limp and sated, he teased her with his tongue again, urging her back to that pinnacle. When her body once again was thrusting eagerly against him, he stood and dropped his pants to the floor. She looked up and reached for him with open arms. He lay beside her, lifted her over him, and settled her above. With a flash of understanding, she lined him up at the entrance to her body.

“Love me, Zeke.” She whispered her halting plea as she sank on him, welcoming him into her heat at last. She took him in slowly, her silken flesh grasping him inch by inch until he was buried inside. He caressed her face and she rolled her head into his palm, eyes drifting closed as she moved, slowly at first, and then more urgently. He stroked a finger to where they joined, and then circled it around her clit until she gasped, great hungry sounds coming from her throat. As she exploded a second time, he grasped her hips in his hands and thrust into her until his own release swept over him, and he shouted her name.

Collapsing forward onto his chest, Tirzah sighed in contentment. He wrapped his arms around her and hugged her tightly.

* * * *

Zeke stared at her, curled against his chest, pressing gentle kisses against the smooth skin over his ribs. How in the stars had he allowed himself to fall in love with her? A momentary panic flashed through him as he realized how deep he’d gotten. And yet he couldn’t regret what he’d just shared with this remarkable woman. When she’d looked into his eyes and whispered, “Love me” in that desperate voice, he realized he’d already given his heart away. The heart he’d once thought broken beyond repair seemed fully healed, and Tirzah held it tightly in her tiny freckled hands.

Gently, he extricated himself from her embrace, went into the washroom, and started warm water running into the tub. What the hell would he do now? Beg her to stay? He couldn’t do that, not knowing how important fight command was to her. He couldn’t follow her back to Earth, not even if she asked him to. He was contracted to the Solomon Tribunal for the next six months. No, she was leaving, and he was going to have to learn to live without her. His eyes closed tightly, and he scrubbed one large hand over his face. Collecting himself, he crossed back to the bedroom and scooped Tirzah in his arms.

The little minx wrapped her arms around his neck and nipped at his ear, making him laugh as he deposited her in the bathtub and then climbed in behind her. He settled her into the V of his legs, resting her back on his chest. She let out a long sigh of contentment.

“You’ll spoil me.” Her words came out on a sigh as her eyes drifted closed.

“Shhh,” he whispered against her hair. “I just want to hold you for a while.”