Fear of Falling (14 page)

“Yes, Olivia. I did.” He choked out the reply. “So you see? This wasn't just a race. It was a gift to my dad.”

“I understand.”

Cocking his head slightly, he studied her. “So what are you going to do? Are you going to talk to the judges? Take this away from us?”

Olivia realized that despite the fact she'd laid the burden at Rafe's feet, he was not taking up the gauntlet. He would not do anything about the slow-motion pictures or what she'd seen. She wasn't the official judge or the person in charge. She had no authority in this matter.

“The reality is, Rafe, that Rowan ran a stellar race. If it had been a Graded Stakes race, with another win or two, Rowan could run in the Kentucky Derby. He's that good. Mr. Blue was just as fast, so he's a contender, as well. In the end, their times are the only criteria that will matter to the racing world. I'm not going to do anything, Rafe. I have the photos if you ever want them, but for now, they'll stay on my hard drive.”

“You'd do that?”

“For you—and for Rowan, I'll do it.”

“Thank you for being a real friend, Olivia,” Rafe said and put his arms around her.

She leaned her cheek against his hard chest. He smelled of spice and soap, but not the leather she'd picked up when he'd kissed her today in the fairgrounds' horse barn. He hadn't been to see Rowan since his shower, she guessed.

She was glad he'd opened up to her even though she'd been less than forthcoming about her own past. His respect and love for his father radiated out from him with every word. She knew Rowan's win today had gone a long way toward easing Rafe's guilt and grief.

If she'd brought up her fears, which were in complete conflict with Rafe's motivations, they might have walked away from each other and never known this moment. Holding and comforting each other.

She could feel his heartbeat against her temple. It was in perfect sync with hers.

She'd done the right thing. She'd keep the truth locked away in the past where it couldn't hurt her again.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

O
LIVIA
WAS
GLAD
she'd worn a jacket to the barbecue. Now that the sun had set, it was downright chilly. Fortunately, Gabe and Nate had built a huge fire in the pit at the edge of the terrace. Everyone had grouped their chairs around the fire, and now they were munching on the chips and guacamole that Maddie had made.

Gina had set up a buffet of hamburgers and all the fixings, a huge Italian romaine salad with parmesan cheese and olive oil dressing, and cannoli for dessert.

Olivia watched Rafe build an enormous hamburger with two charcoal-broiled patties, slices of Swiss cheese, dill pickles and tomato. Olivia wasn't quite sure how he was going to get his mouth around the monster burger, but he did. He grabbed a beer and waited patiently while Olivia filled her plate with salad and placed a plain burger sans bun on the side. She smiled up at him as she selected a bottle of water.

Rafe frowned at her plate. “You'll starve if you eat like that.”

“I'm saving my calories for the cannoli.”

“Can't argue with that. Mom makes the best.” He paused. “Neck and neck with your
macarons
.”

She smiled, happy that he remembered her cookies. She remembered he'd called her the cookie girl.

“I'll make some extras for Liz's baby shower and slip them into the refrigerator for you.”

“Better mark the box with my name, otherwise Mica will eat them all.”

“Good tip.” Olivia laughed as they walked over to the fire and joined the rest of the family.

“Olivia, come sit next to me,” Maddie said, patting the faux wicker chair next to hers. “The fire is really warm.”

Rafe put his plate on a small folding table and moved it next to Olivia. Then he pulled up a chair beside her. To his left was Gabe, who sat with Liz on a chaise, rubbing her shoulders while she warmed her hands near the fire. On another chaise, Austin and Katia chatted with each other. Olivia greeted Sarah and Luke, who were zipping Timmy and Annie into windbreakers. Isabelle Hawks sat in a folding chair next to Cate Sullivan and Mrs. Beabots, and though they gave Olivia a wave, it was clear they were deep in discussion and didn't wish to be disturbed at the moment.

“So, little bro,” Gabe said with a wide grin. “Has the thrill of victory worn off yet?”

Rafe shook his head. “Absolutely not. I figure this day lasts till midnight. I've got hours to bask in it. Tomorrow it's back to real life.”

“Good for you,” Nate added. “You should squeeze this for all it's worth.”

Gina sat on a chaise across from Rafe with a black shawl shot with silver threads wrapped around her. Over her legs she'd placed a summer blanket. Sam Crenshaw sipped a glass of red wine in an Adirondack rocking chair beside her, his gaze distant.
“Bella luna,”
Sam mumbled, pointing at the rising moon.

Gina patted his hand, and Sam lowered his head and smiled at her. Noticing that Olivia was watching, Gina focused her attention on Rafe. “I think they should schedule the Indian Lake race in June next year when it's warmer. This early in April is practically winter. We were lucky the snow had melted off the track.”

Rafe wiped his mouth with a paper napkin. “There's a reason for that.”

“And that is?” Gabe asked.

“It may be a charity race and for most people it's just for fun, but a couple of the horses, like Swept Away and Mr. Blue, can use their times to get into the competition at real tracks like Hawthorne Racecourse in Cicero. Or Arlington. Possibly a Graded Stakes race like Delta Downs in Louisiana.”

“So you're telling me that there's no such thing as a friendly horse race?” Nate asked, sipping on a margarita.

“Not to a Thoroughbred owner. Every horse in that race came from a racer. Sire or mare. They were all bred to run. Just like Rowan. Every owner has dreams. Big, small. Doesn't matter. It's my guess that every one of those owners thought their horse was going to win today. Even the slowest one. He wouldn't have been there if the owner didn't think he had a chance. None of the horses had run before, or if they had, Curt and I hadn't heard of it. Now three of them, Rowan, Mr. Blue and Swept Away, are primed for the circuits for next year's Derby.”

“What about this year's Kentucky Derby?” Olivia asked.

Rafe put his plate down on the table. “It's too late for this year. Next year they'll all be three years old, and the better horses like Mr. Blue and Swept Away will have tested themselves at Gulfstream Park or Golden Gate Field. It will be a year of crisscrossing the country to gain the points they need to enter the Kentucky Derby.”

“Points?” Nate interjected. “I thought all a horse had to do was win two hundred and fifty thousand, give or take ten or twenty grand, and he was in. That's what Dad always said. I've heard about some of these horses that win a race in April before the Derby, and boom! Like Delta Downs. Six hundred thousand to the winner. That's it. He's in.”

“You're behind the times, bro. Two years ago the qualifying process changed drastically. The days when any Graded Stakes races would count toward a horse making his way to the Derby are over. Now it's much tougher.”

“How so?” Gabe asked.

“It's all based on points now. Each horse has to earn thirty-six points in Graded Stakes races and he has to finish in the top four in every race. And those races have to be Kentucky Derby Prep races, specifically.”

“Scam!” Nate yelled.

“Conspiracy!” Gabe concurred. “That's un-American.”

Olivia realized she'd been shoveling salad into her mouth as she tried to block out the litany of racetracks that turned her blood to ice. On her last bite, her hand was shaking so much, the salad fell off the fork. She put the utensil down and wrapped her hands around the plastic water bottle to steady them.

How was it possible that she had locked away the pain her father had caused her for nearly half her life but suddenly, in the past month, she was revisiting memories of him and his gambling at every turn?

She couldn't ignore the fact that her inner turmoil had started when she'd met Rowan and Rafe.

Rafe was immersed in the racing world. He'd just told her that winning races was the only dream that brought his father joy. Olivia realized that Rafe had also been drawing her a very clear picture of who he was and what he wanted to do with his life.

The Indian Lake Hospital Foundation Horse Race wasn't just a single event for Rafe or Rowan. It was a beginning. It was a test. Much like the other owners, Rafe had wanted to see which horse was king of the field. Olivia had photographs to prove that Mr. Blue had won this race, but that didn't change the fact that Rowan was a trophy-winning horse.

As Rafe told everyone about the intricacies of qualifying for the most prestigious horse race in the United States, Olivia felt as if she was falling down a tunnel, getting farther and farther away from the real world and the people around her.

Thirty minutes ago she'd been proud of herself for keeping her fears hidden, but she'd only fooled herself. Nothing had been solved.

And it was her responsibility to deal with it all.

Here she sat in the middle of a discussion about the astronomical sums of money it took for a horse to win a place in a prestigious race, which offered even more money. With each word her friends said, Olivia's blood pressure rose until she heard the thrumming of her heart in her temples. She felt light-headed. Thank goodness she'd only grabbed water to drink. Even the caffeine in iced tea would have set her heart tripping like a faulty metronome.

Get a grip, Olivia.

Earlier, she'd felt as if she was falling in love with Rafe. Yet, how could she be?

His love, his dream, was her fear.

He'd proven to his father's ghost that Rowan was all that Angelo had hoped he would be.

But it was far from enough.

Looming in the back of her mind was the disquieting shadow of racetrack gambling. She hadn't seen any evidence of Rafe succumbing to that vice, but there was always the chance that he could. Being around the tracks could be hypnotic and lure even the most resolute people. And if they were together? Her deepest fear was that she would succumb to the betting cages, put her savings on the line and slip into addiction. She was her father's daughter, after all. She would be no better than the man who betrayed her and broke her mother's heart. How could she even consider being with someone whose lifestyle could put her on that path?

Olivia looked over at Rafe as he talked with his brothers. Mica had joined the discussion about Rafe taking Rowan to the Illinois Derby in two weeks. Gabe and Nate were urging Rafe to try his wings in a professional setting.

Every bit of the conversation made Olivia nervous. It wasn't just the racing, though. Their encouragement reminded her of lectures she'd given herself, too many times to count, about her own dreams of a photojournalism career.

Olivia chewed her bottom lip anxiously. Why couldn't they talk about something else?

“Raphael,” Gina said, leaning forward and pulling her shawl up around her neck. Maybe she would be the voice of reason. “I'm behind you one hundred percent. If you want to enter Rowan in Illinois, I'll give you any money you need to do it. Your father would want me to.”

Olivia sank back in her chair. Gina was no help.

“Thanks, Mom, but I think I've got this.” Rafe smiled. “I'll have to talk to Curt and see what he thinks. It's in two weeks, but I think we could get in.”

Mica lowered the beer he'd raised to his lips. “Two weeks?”

“Yeah,” Rafe replied. “Why?”

Mica's tone was concerned. “You can't be serious, Rafe.”

“Of course I'm serious.”

“We're planting corn and soybeans till the end of this month. The first of May I've got six guys hired to help us with the machines to plant the tomatoes. You know it takes six of us to run the tomato plants down that conveyor. I've only got four guys from last year. Two are new. They'll need some training. Not a lot, but some. You and I agreed we're doing three hundred acres in tomato plants this year.”

“I know,” Rafe replied, lowering his gaze.

Olivia heard the disappointment in Rafe's voice. From the tension in Mica's voice, it sounded as if this was not a brand-new topic.

“We talked about this last spring,” Mica said with painstaking emphasis on each word. “Our planting season overlaps with your horse-racing season. What's worse is that the second round of trials for the Derby are in the fall when we're harvesting. Those are our two busiest times of the year. I need you here, Rafe.”

“Did I say I was taking off? I'm only going over to Chicago!”

Mica stood up, taking his plate and his beer. “You know what? I don't care. You do what you want. You always have. Dad always let you do what you wanted, when you wanted. I'll take care of the farm. You go play with your ponies.”

Mica stomped across the terrace and toward the house.

“I didn't say that!” Rafe bellowed.

Gina whipped off the blanket she'd put over her legs. She squeezed Sam's hand. “I'll go.” She rose and followed Mica.

Sam nodded and looked at Gabe and Liz. “How long has Mica felt this way?”

“Forever,” Nate and Gabe said in unison.

Rafe stood up. “Honestly? I never knew.” He stared after his brother and mother as they met at the door and then went inside.

Rafe looked down at Olivia. “Sorry.”

Mrs. Beabots stood up and said, “I believe the Barzonni family needs to be left alone, ladies.” She turned to Isabelle and Cate. “Why don't you both get your things and take me home? I'll make us some tea. Olivia? Do you have a ride back to town?”

Mrs. Beabots obviously considered her an outsider to the Barzonnis. But then, the older woman didn't know about Rafe's kisses. Or their arguments.

“I drove myself,” she replied. “I should help clean up.”

“It's okay, Olivia,” Maddie said. “Thanks for offering. Nate and I can handle it.”

“I'll help, too,” Gabe volunteered.

Luke looked at Sarah. “We should get the kids home, as well.”

Sarah nodded. “You're right. They have to get up early—Annie has voice lessons and Timmy's got swimming at the YMCA.”

Everyone gathered their plates and placed them on the big trays that Gina had provided.

Olivia walked over to Rafe. “Thanks for inviting me.”

“Sure,” he said. “This isn't how I expected it to go.”

“Yeah, you're supposed to have several more hours of limelight to enjoy.”

“Fat chance,” he replied glumly. “But listen, if I can swing it somehow and can register for the Illinois Derby, will you come?”

Olivia stared at him. She hadn't expected an invitation to another race. In fact, she hadn't expected anything from Rafe ever again. She'd convinced herself that she shouldn't see him or even be acquainted with him. They weren't good for each other. They were completely at odds.

Only, he didn't know that.

“To be your photographer, you mean?”

“Yeah. For Rowan.”

“For Rowan,” she repeated.

But not as your date.

At least Olivia knew now for certain: they were still at square one.