Fashionably Dead in Diapers (26 page)

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Authors: Robyn Peterman

Tags: #paranormal romance, #Romantic Comedy, #Humor

BOOK: Fashionably Dead in Diapers
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"Get on with it, you low life scum of a Vampyre whore," he grunted as he tried in vain to release himself. I was under no illusion as to what he would do if he were to be freed. Furthermore, I was not a low life scum and why in the Hell did these assclowns keep calling me a whore? My son didn't need to hear language like this from others. My offensive mouth was more than enough. Time to end the shindig.

 

"Do you like your boobs?" I asked sweetly. "I can make them bigger if that would make you feel better about yourself and be a kinder Fairy. What do you say?"

 

"Bitch," he bellowed as his face turned blood red. "You will pay for your sins. Scum like you and your people are dirt beneath our feet. Killing my Queen was your death sentence. You will die a violent and…"

 

Mr. Self Righteous Potty Mouth was starting to bore me and seriously get on my nerves. There was no mistaking that this one was unredeemable. I closed my eyes, clapped my hands and popped the fucker. The explosion was exactly as I remembered from the attack on my home. The attack that had started this clusterfuck when the Fairies had come for Gemma and then stole my baby. A rainbow of glitter and fire rained down on the chairs that the Fairies were seated in only an hour ago.

 

The cries of terror were earsplitting and I glanced back to see how much my son had witnessed. He was watching it with rapt attention and a look of curiosity on his angelic face.

 

"You want me help, Mommy?"

 

"No, baby. Mommy and Daddy can take care of this. You go backstage and play with Martha and Jane," I told him. His smile turned to a pout and it took all I had not to laugh. I was elated to see him in pre-hissy fit form. I was elated to see him in any form he chose.

 

"Can we babysit him too?" Huhu asked as she flew like a tiny bullet toward my head.

 

"Nope," I said as I caught her midair. "I need you three out here with me."

 

"Mommy no sure what to do," Sammy said and I froze. How in the Hell did he know that? "Sammy help pretty Mommy."

 

He slid down from Martha's embrace and toddled over to me. A hard knot formed in my throat and tears filled my eyes. He was walking…he was walking and I missed his first steps because these bastards had taken him from me. The temptation to simply kill all of them and be done with it was difficult to deny, but the small light of my life was watching me and I was going to set an example he would be proud of. What a bizarre world. I wanted to make sure he knew I was only going to destroy the bad guys. His new normal was as fucked up as mine.

 

"How can you help Mommy?" I asked as I squatted down and got eye level with him. Ethan came up behind him and touched his head.

 

"Make the Fawies put out their hands like Patty Cake." He demonstrated by lifted his chunky little hands to me.

 

I raised an eyebrow and grinned. "Are we going to play with them?" I asked, waiting for him to reel off the litany of fun we could have with the psychotic Fairies. I nodded to Jane and Martha to come and get him. There was no reason for him to see this.

 

He glanced over his shoulder at the purple clad dingbats and quickly leaned into my ear. "Mommy, we do what makes right. We no kill the Fawies who are only little bit bad. Sammy can show you the good boys and girls and the bad ones."

 

I held up a hand to halt Martha and Jane. "How can you do that?"

 

His grin was mixed with innocence and devilish mischief. He was definitely a descendent of both Heaven and Hell. He was gonna be something someday…or maybe that day was today.

 

"Me show you?" he asked.

 

"I don't know," Ethan cut in as he ran his hands through his hair in frustration and indecision. "He's seen enough."

 

"Oh my Daddy, hush." Sammy giggled and hugged his father's legs. "Me is more than you know." He raised his blond eyebrows and looked so much like Ethan I had to grin.

 

"Trust me," Ethan muttered with a smile that looked more like a grimace. "We know."

 

Some of the Fairies in the air grew impatient and some watched the scene play out below in silence. Waiting for your fate had to suck, but waiting to get your child back from being kidnapped and sliced up sucked far worse. They could hang there for days for all I cared. My magic would hold—I hoped.

 

"Mommy, me show you." He toddled forward and all the Fairies blanched in fear. It was then another puzzle piece snapped together. Samuel had been responsible for the burned out hallways and colorful skin of the Fairies. My son was the disease that they feared. Priceless. Although they looked so heinous now, bright yellow and blue skin might actually help.

 

"Hold up your hands like Patty Cake, Fawies," he yelled.

 

They did not heed my son's request. My son did not like this. He stomped his foot and right before our shocked eyes, my baby began to sparkle, but this was not what astonished me. I had expected him to sparkle and shoot flames from his fingertips. What I didn't expect was my perfect child to shift forms. Who did he inherit
that
from?

 

My gaze shot of Ethan, who shrugged, grinned and shook his head in defeat. Clearly, our son had been watching cartoons while in Xanthia—more specifically
Looney Tunes
. He was a mixture of animated Heaven and Hell. The top half of his sturdy little body was bathed in light and a halo crowned his angelic blond curls. Downy white wings tipped in sparkling gold shot out from his shoulder blades, but that was not the kicker. He had hooves— red hooves and scaly red legs that were topped by a long forked tail. He was a half angel half devil right out of
Bugs Bunny
.

 

Ethan moved forward and whispered in my ear, "Holy shit, I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry. We're going to have our hands full."

 

"Understatement," I muttered. From here on out, TV was a big no for our little bundle of joy. There was no way I wanted to see him shift into Spongebob or Cartman.

 

We stood back and waited to see what he would do. Part of me hoped he would fry them all. However, that kind of defeated the purpose of separating the good from the evil, but I was still so angry that rational thought was difficult.

 

"Put up your hands, Fawies. Now." His little voice was little no more. Although it still sounded childlike, it boomed and echoed through the room. It sent chills down my spine and an absurd sense of pride to my soul. My son would be able to take care of himself.

 

A magical blue mist slithered through the ballroom and wrapped the Fairies in its thrall. It was wild and untamed and laced with the scent of sunshine and wind—the scent of Samuel. It was young yet ancient. Hells Bells, we really did have a cluster on our hands.

 

The Fairies no longer resisted my child. In unison they raised their hands with palms facing out. Samuel giggled and wobbled around the stage with glee.

 

"Sweet baby Satan in wedge heels and a thong," Jane choked out proudly. "Our boy is a fantastic fucking freak show."

 

Martha grunted her agreement and did some lewd hip rolls that made me gag. They were crazy, but they had a point. Samuel was something that we had no real understanding of, but today was not the day to find out all the neat and life threatening things he could do.

 

"Hey, little man," I said as I swooped him up in my arms. "What's the point of this?"

 

"Watch," he said as he scrunched his eyes shut and chanted in a singsong language I didn't understand.

 

Shrieks and startled screams were torn from the Fairies mouths as their hands lit up in royal blue flames. I gasped and worried that Samuel thought this was a game. Debating my next move, I prepared to reprimand him and send him backstage, but the flames died out as did the crying and wailing.

 

"Lookie, Mommy," Sammy whispered. "Now you can see the bad Fawies and the not so bad Fawies."

 

He was correct. It was crystal clear who had evil in their souls and who could be potentially redeemed. The hands of the evil were now a shiny lacquered black and the hands of the others were a dull glittering gun metal gray. That's what The Reggie had said…The ones that had only partially crossed to the Dark side were gray. He believed they would have no place in the new Xanthia, but I was putting my money down that he was mistaken. The ability to change had everything to do with willingness and desire. Well, having your life threatened helped a bit too.

 

"I want you to go play with Martha and Jane backstage, okay?" I hugged him and got poked in the eyes by his wing. "Um, can you go back to being Sammy?"

 

"Yes, silly Mommy. Of course me can!" In a blast of varying arrays of blue glitter he morphed back to my little boy. I buried my face in his curls and thanked all my insane immortal relatives for answering the prayers I had thrown their way.

 

Martha and Jane took Samuel away. When I was sure he was safely out of sight I turned my attention back to the travesty that hung twenty feet above my head.

 

"Astrid, time is of the essence," Ethan said as he watched the Fairies like a hawk. "Some are regaining mobility."

 

He was correct. This was bad. I only wanted to eliminate the Dark, but if they all came at me at once they would all have to die. With a wide sweep of my arm I separated the good from the evil. The Fairies with the glittering gray hands were blown to the left side of the room and hung limply. There was very little fight in them—most of them were fearful and scared. However, the ones left in front of me hissed with a vengeance that made me ill.

 

"Who of you can be redeemed?" I shouted over the gnashing of teeth and grunts of rage. "Who of you will go to the Light?"

 

The answer was unanimous and unfortunate. Two hundred Fairies with black souls spewed their venom and fought like Demons to free themselves. A chorus of no's rang through the room and echoed off the ornate walls.

 

"Well," Susu said as she patted me on the back. "You tried. I would have just offed and eaten all of them. I think you are being beyond fair."

 

"Thank you," I said.

 

"Astrid. Now," Ethan commanded as the Dark Fairies broke loose of the magic binding them and came at me like an army from Hell.

 

Black glitter covered my body and flames jetted out of my fingers. I raised my arms in the air and screamed. I screamed for the lives of the Dark that were about to die and I screamed for the lives of the Light that had been senselessly taken. From deeper inside myself than I had ever pulled I found the strength and the compassion to do what had to be done. To do what was right. That didn't mean it didn't suck.

 

The explosions came fast and the spectrum of brilliant color made me shield my eyes. Fires of pink and lavender burned as spurts of blue and orange glitter shot through them, making the entire ballroom look like a kaleidoscope on acid. They popped like fireworks on the Fourth of July and the gray Fairies watched in terror.

 

"Fucking righteous," Huhu squealed as she flitted around wildly.

 

"You are insane," Lulu added as she watched in awe.

 

"Amazeballs," Susu gasped.

 

I dropped to the floor and put my head in my hands. This was never going to be easy and I supposed I didn't want it to be. If I ever lost the ability to feel empathy, even for the damned, I would be lost. Each time I killed, it took a small piece of my soul.

 

"We need to finish this and go," Ethan said as he knelt beside me.

 

I nodded my head and took his hand as he helped me to my feet. All I wanted was to fall into his embrace and forget everything. Not gonna happen. As I approached the Grays, they observed me with wide and uncertain eyes.

 

"Are you going to kill us?" one asked with his head held high.

 

"No. No, I'm not. You will be dealt with by the Light Fairies and your True Queen. They shall determine your fate. I've have enough of playing my Uncle God today."

 

As I moved to leave a certain Fairy caught my eye. I gasped and my body went ice cold. A mistake had occurred. How could there have been a mistake? If evil had gotten mixed up with the gray, had any of the gray gotten mixed up with the Dark? Had I killed an innocent? My stomach roiled and I walked in a daze over to one who should already be dead.

 

"The Reggie," I said in a deadly quiet voice. "I'd say it's nice to see you again, but it's not. It appears you were overlooked. You don't belong on this side."

 

He trembled and was barely able to meet my eyes, but his voice was clear and loud. "No, there is no mistake. I belong here. I am no longer Light, but I will never be completely Dark."

 

"Interesting," I spat. "You could have fooled me."

 

He had almost caused me to lose my son and my mate. He had betrayed The Kev's trust and he thought he was gray? I laughed at his audacity. He was delusional and he was going to die. With a flick of my wrist, he landed in a heap at my feet. I relived the agony of watching The Corrine cut my son. It was seared in my mind and would never vanish.

 

"Are you the one that informed The Corrine of our presence?" I demanded.

 

"Yes, I was."

 

In my mind, he was directly responsible for everything. Rational? No, but I was far beyond that now. How was he gray? The only thing that held me back from killing him dead where he lay was the sheer confusion as to how this had happened. I checked his hands—not a trace of black. Was magic not precise? Was it because of Sammy's age that a mistake had occurred?

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